25. Chapter 24
Ivy
I swallow hard as I watch Hudson’s chest move up and down while his little arms move slightly.
He’s still on medication to keep him drowsy to keep his tube in, and I hate it, I absolutely hate it. God, I haven’t even held him...
I don’t know how much longer I can cope with this alone. I don’t even know if Hudson will survive. Doctor Clark still hasn’t been very encouraging regarding his survival rate.
My stomach tightens at the thought of losing my son–our son…Jax should be here.
It’s been three days since he was discharged, three days since I last saw him, because the thought of leaving the hospital is too hard to comprehend. Every time I think I can do it, I begin to panic.
What if I leave and they decide to take him off oxygen?
What if I lose him and I’m not here?
I run my hand through my hair as I look at Hudson, my feelings consuming me.
Fear is mainly running through me. Fear that Jax will hate me, we never did talk about why he left me in bed that day, only that he needed to clear his head, fear that he won’t get to meet his son, fear that Hudson won’t make it.
My tears fall yet again, and I quickly wipe underneath my eyes.
“Good afternoon, Ivy,” Dr. Asshole, I mean Clark, says, and I give him a nod as he stands on the other side of Hudson and opens the incubator, beginning his checks.
He and I still don’t see eye to eye, we never will.
He wanted me to basically kill my baby, the same baby who is growing every single day, whose stats are increasing every day.
I watch him intentionally, like I always do, and he is the other reason I won’t leave my son.
After a few minutes, he says, “Okay,” as he closes the lid and looks at me. I brace myself for more bullshit to spew out of his mouth, but instead, he gives me a slight smile and states, “His lungs are clearer,” shocking me and my mouth parts.
“I want to order an X-ray this evening to get a better look, but as it stands, if he keeps improving, we’ll be able to take him off oxygen and remove the tube,” he says, and my tears fall, my heart pounding.
“This is good news, Ivy. Your son is a very rare case, and I believe his chances have increased tremendously. All of his tests are coming back really good,” he continues, then asks, “How would you feel about holding your son?”
A sob releases, and I quickly cover my mouth and nod my head and he smiles gently, the first real interaction I’ve had with him, and he calls over a nurse as the door to the room opens.
“What’s going on?” I hear Pitbull ask, and the doctor answers, “She’s about to hold Hudson, so you’re right on time. "
I hear a gasp, which I know is Jessica, but I don't take my eyes off my son.
A nurse comes over as the doctor states, “I’ll be back this evening to discuss his results. "
I nod before he leaves, while the nurse moves wires to transfer my son. Without thinking, I quickly remove my jacket and pull on the t-shirt I’m wearing—Jax’s, thankfully.
The nurse carefully lifts Hudson, and I pull on the shirt and she carefully places him under my top, giving us skin on skin for the first time, his skin warming mine as she gently lays his head sideways on my chest to keep the tube in the right position.
I sob, looking down at my beautiful baby boy, the feeling of finally being able to hold him after so long in that incubator overwhelming.
He has Jax’s nose and cheekbones, while his hair is getting darker.
He’s perfect, oh so perfect.
My tears fall as I gently rub my hand over his back before I look up and lock eyes with Dr Clark, and he gives me a small smile before leaving the room, while Jessica cries openly while taking pictures as Pitbull takes a seat next to me.
Slowly, he lifts his hand, then gently strokes my son's head, and tears fall down his cheeks, his emotions clear as day.
“He should be here,” I choke out, and he nods.
“I know little doll,” he agrees, “but we can’t overload him,” he looks at me, “I know that is part of the reason why you haven’t been to see him.”
My bottom lip quivers and I admit, “I also don’t know if I can handle seeing the club girls all over him again, not now, not after we–” I shake my head, “It will kill me.”
“He’s not doing that, sweetheart, I promise. He’s barely been at the clubhouse, spending more time at his house while on sick leave,” Jessica promises, gaining my attention, and I snort.
“I bet he loves that,” I murmur as I gently trace my son’s nose.
Tattooing is normally what keeps his anger in check.
“He’d love it even more if he had you by his side, little doll,” Pitbull whispers, and I swallow hard, not taking my eyes off my son.
I look up and admit, “I can’t,” and Jessica looks away as Pitbull looks down at my son.
“It isn’t because I don’t love him, because I do, so much, I always have,” I take a deep breath, “I have loved him for as long as I can remember and while yes I have been immature with how I have handled things, I know I can’t see him without exploding,” Jessica looks at me with sadness as I say, “I’ll end up telling him about Hudson, I’ll crack, I know I will.
Every night he calls, and I have to ignore them because of the guilt.
Right now, holding Hudson, he should be here for it, he should get to hold him as well, but he can’t because we need to go at his pace, so we don’t give him information overload. ”
“Okay, Ivy, we need to put him back,” the nurse who handed me my son says, and my tears fall again.
It wasn’t enough time. “But Jessica didn’t get to hold him,” I whisper, and Jessica’s eyes soften as Pitbull squeezes my arm.
“You can hold him again tomorrow, sweetheart, and Jessica has all the time in the world when he’s discharged, I mean, who else will look after him while you’re working underneath cars?
” Pitbull says, seeing my reaction, and the nurse adds, “If it helps, tomorrow she can hold him, giving you both a little more time.” Jessica nods, agreeing, “Same time tomorrow,” and I nod reluctantly before I gently place a kiss on my son’s head, and I lift the shirt so the nurse can take him.
I instantly feel cold and empty as she removes him from my chest and places him back in the incubator, and I shake my head, feeling lost yet again, and Pitbull quickly wraps his arm around my shoulders as my tears fall.
God, I’m so fed up with crying.
“The X-ray portable machine will be here in an hour,” the nurse confirms, giving me a small smile and I nod before she leaves.
“Why is he having an X-ray?” Jessica questions as she grabs a seat and sits beside Pitbull. I sniffle.
“The doctor believes his lungs have developed well and he wants to confirm it before making a plan to remove the tube,” I whisper, my eyes taking in my son, my body wanting him close again.
Jessica gasps as Pitbull sighs with relief, and I sob, “I need him, I need Jax, I can’t do this anymore…”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Jessica whispers as she grabs my hands, squeezing them as Pitbull cups my cheeks and says, “Don’t push him out because of fear of how he’d react with everything.
He was never going to leave you that day, Ivy, he just needed a breather to figure out how to hash things out without you falling apart,” I sniffle and he wipes away my tears, “He knew you two needed to get everything out on the table to survive but he also knew if you cried he’d bottle it because your tears are his weakness and now he’s confused, he’s having flashbacks that don’t make sense to him. ”
He sighs, and Jessica finishes, “He knows you two slept together,” and I swallow hard.
“But he doesn’t remember the pregnancy yet?” I confirm and she replies, “No, but I believe deep in my heart if you go to him, he’ll begin to remember,” her tears fall, “In his coma, only your name would make his heart rate pick up, only your name would get a reaction from him.”
I look down, trying my hardest not to fall apart.
“I’m scared,” I admit, “I know I am and so far, I’ve done nothing but allow my emotions take over, whether I was jealous, sad, pissed off or hurt, I allowed my immaturity to take over and caused so much pain.
I didn’t communicate with him and tell him how I felt, and I pushed him away expecting him to read my mind, and I’m not trying to do that this time,” I look between them, “I’m trying to be logical, I’m trying not to hurt him … ”
“You’re fighting for him?” Pitbull confirms, and I sniffle but nod as I wipe away the tears.
“I am by allowing him to heal,” I admit, and he nods in understanding but states, “But you’re not allowing him to heal with you, sweetheart, which is what he needs.” He looks at Hudson, then back at me, “Think about it….” before he stands, presses a kiss on my head, and walks out.
“Ivy,” Jessica whispers, and I look her way.
Her eyes soften as she says, “You’re punishing yourself for what an emotional young adult decided to do.
You’ve grown up with Jax and believed he only saw you as a best friend and sister.
You didn’t see the feelings he was showing because you didn’t want to believe it but now, you have him, Ivy.
He is yours like he always has been and I know you’re scared about his reaction to everything, I know you’re scared of hurting him but he needs you like you need him. ”
She stands and kisses my head before looking at her grandson, excitement showing in her eyes for tomorrow then she turns and walks out without another word, and I swallow hard, not knowing how to take their truths. I hear what they’re saying. I read between the lines.
He also didn’t fight for me when he thought I was leaving. He fought for my independence, not for us.
We’re both to blame, we both didn’t communicate.
But how do I turn his world upside down and explain that we have a son who still isn’t out of the woods?
How do I explain that I lost his trust by not telling him about Mama and her lies? That I believed her because I was jaded toward the brothers?
How do I show him that I do love him and trust him? That I was just scared?
“I love you with my whole fucking being, I have for a very long time, probably way before I should have.”
I chew my bottom lip, his words flittering through me, the day we made our son, and I already know my answer. I knew it the day I woke up after he took me from that wedding farce.
His parents are right, maybe it’s time I fight for him.
I swallow hard, grab my phone, and bring up the group chat with Raya, Lake, and Skylar.
Me: I need a favor xxx.
I look at the message, hover over it for a moment, and then press send before I can stop myself. Hoping everything will turn out okay and that I don’t lose him….
It’s time to fight for my man.