Chapter 26
Twenty-Six
HAVEN
When Locklyn relays that the guys are returning earlier than expected, a traitorous zing of happiness sparks through me that I promptly squash.
I was worried Cassian wouldn’t agree to help us, but the good news is that they somehow managed to enlist the ancient vampire’s help.
The bad news is, at least for my parents, that the head of the New York Order is now somehow part of our small group.
At first, my parents respond with fear and outrage, but after getting on the sat-phone with Talon and finding out that Kade is under a blood oath to withhold information about us and our plans from anyone else, they calm a bit.
They still aren’t happy with the arrangement, but the blood oath mollifies them.
Since Kade is now helping, he’s taking Cassian to prepare for making the portal, in whatever way that means, and so the guys are already on their way back to the cabin. The plan is for all of us to meet up with Kade and Cassian late tomorrow and go to the creature world.
As much as I hate to admit it, every hour that ticked by while Becks was away, my anxiety leveled up. I’m now a messy ball of nerves. We’ve had a small reprieve from the early winter snow, but now it’s coming down hard, making me worry the guys will have trouble getting back.
The rumble of an engine reaches my ears, making me perk up from the puzzle I’ve been distracting myself with for the last hour.
Locklyn pops up and runs to the window, but I force myself to remain where I am even though everything in me is screaming to do the same: to get off this couch and make sure that Becks is back, safe and unharmed.
I remind myself I have to stay strong if I want to sever this connection between us. But even as it’s the right thing to do to protect myself, I feel a physical tug in my chest, as if my heart is trying to force me to my feet.
I bite my bottom lip, my foot tapping with sudden anxiousness.
“Are you all right?” my mom asks, and when I glance up, she’s frowning down at me.
“Of course,” I say, forcing a smile.
She sits down next to me. “Are you sure?” Leaning forward, she places her hand over mine. “The last day, you’ve seemed sad.”
“I mean, it’s not like there’s much about this situation to be happy about,” I offer.
“True, but when we reconnected a few days ago, you were different. Maybe even happy, despite the circumstances. There was a glow about you.”
From the corner of my eye, I catch Locklyn darting to the front door, flinging it open before vanishing outside.
I will not look over. I will not look over.
“I was just happy to see you and Dad,” I tell my mom.
She cocks her head, giving me a searching look I’m all too familiar with. My mom always knows when I’m lying. It’s creepy and some sort of mom-superpower.
“I’m sure you were, but—”
I miss whatever Mom says next, because without even looking I know Becks has stepped into the cabin.
The hairs on the back of my neck prickle, and because I’m weak, my gaze trails to the front door.
A wave of relief spreads through me when I find him standing there, hair dusted with snowflakes, unharmed.
His expression is sharp when his gaze lands on me, holds, and then heats.
I only vaguely notice my mom patting my knee before standing and leaving the room. I think she said something about checking on my dad, who is resting in their bedroom, but I can’t honestly be sure because it’s taking all my concentration not to jump up and throw myself into Becks’ arms.
We stay like that, neither of us moving, neither of us saying a word, just drinking the other in as if it’s been months or years since we’ve seen each other instead of just a single day.
This thing between us feels palpable to me, and impossible to ignore. With how he’s looking at me now, how can he not be affected too?
What’s going on isn’t that big of a deal anyway. It’s not serious.
I flinch when Becks’ voice sounds in my head, reminding me what this really is to him.
Nothing.
Confusion draws Becks’ eyebrows together. He takes a step toward me, his mouth opening to say something, but before he can, Talon and Locklyn come bursting back into the cabin, speckled with melting snowflakes as well.
Talon has Locklyn slung over his shoulder. She’s shrieking and laughing at the same time as she tries, unsuccessfully, to punch him while upside down.
She smacks him in the butt, and he glances over his shoulder at her with a wicked smile. “If you think that’s going to convince me to put you down, you’re mistaken.”
“Fine, then I’ll bite you,” she warns, a giant smile on her face.
“Even better,” he quips.
I study Becks as he watches the interaction, looking to see if I can detect a hint of jealousy on his face, but if anything he seems amused, if not reluctantly. He doesn’t look like a guy who’s pining after someone else’s wife.
“How many times do I have to tell you two to get a room?” he asks with a shake of his head and a small smile.
“Excellent idea,” Talon says, and stomps toward the stairs leading to the second-floor bedrooms. Locklyn screeches for him to put her down, but she’s not trying that hard to escape.
They are adorable, and I can’t help laughing along with them, even as something in my heart tweaks painfully.
As their laughter fades up the stairs, the cabin falls into a hush broken only by the crackle of the fire. I’m suddenly hyperaware of the silence, of Becks still standing there, snow melting in his hair and dripping down the collar of his jacket.
He takes a hesitant step forward, and my pulse jumps.
“Haven,” he says quietly, my name rough in his throat, like it’s been waiting there for days.
I swallow hard, fingers twisting in the hem of my sweater. “You should—uh—probably warm up by the fire,” I say, instantly realizing how stupid that sounds. It takes more than a few snowflakes for him to get cold.
He doesn’t move to the fire. Instead, he takes another step toward me, slower this time. “Can we talk?”
Every nerve in my body screams Yes, but my heart . . . my heart remembers my sister’s words.
Haven is not me.
If you’re using Haven as a stand-in for me . . .
This is just a fling to you?
I shake my head, standing too quickly. “I’m really tired. It’s been a long day.”
“Haven—”
Before he can finish, footsteps sound down the hallway. My mom reappears, her expression just a little too casual. “Becks, so glad you made it back safely. We were all a little worried about you and Talon.”
“Everything went to plan. Mostly,” he says, his gaze flicking to me.
My mom smiles. “We’re certainly glad about that. Haven,” she says to me. “Your dad’s already out for the night, which is probably for the best since we’ve got a big day tomorrow. Why don’t you come help me in the kitchen, sweetheart? We can reheat some food for the guys for a late dinner.”
“Actually, I was just heading upstairs,” I blurt, already sidestepping her.
I don’t dare look back at Becks, but I can feel him watching me, like a weight pressing between my shoulder blades.
I make it halfway up before she calls something after me, but I don’t stop. I can’t. Not with my chest tight and my throat aching like this.
When I reach my room, I shut the door quietly, leaning back against it as the tears I’ve been holding finally well up.
Downstairs, I swear I hear his low voice through the floorboards. Steady, calm, like nothing’s changed.
But everything has.
I can’t decide what hurts more: that he doesn’t chase after me or that part of me still wants him to.
The next morning, I stand atop a crusted layer of snow, listening to it crunch beneath my feet as I shift my weight, staring at the black SUV that we’re all planning on piling into.
“Are you sure you don’t mind climbing in back?” my mom asks Becks, looking doubtful. “It’s a pretty tight squeeze.”
“Yes, of course. I’d never let you or your husband climb back there,” he says with an easy smile on his face.
Since Talon is driving, my mom and dad insisted that Locklyn take the front passenger seat, leaving the middle row and the tiny two-seater fold-out back row for the rest of us.
Because of my size it was assumed that I would sit in the back, and when my mom said she’d sit next to me Becks offered her his seat instead.
It was the chivalrous thing to do, but the thought of being tucked away in the back of the SUV with Becks for the long drive ahead makes my stomach flip.
For good and bad reasons.
To escape facing Becks the night before, I hid in my room, feigning that I was asleep when he came by and knocked on my door. I avoided him again this morning by being the last one up and going straight from my room to the car when it was time to leave.
Was it cowardly?
Yes.
Would I do it again?
Absolutely.
The drive to the portal site is going to take at least seven hours. I can only hope that the other bodies in the car dissuade Becks from diving into any serious conversation.
“After you,” he says to me, an easy smile on his face even as light concern shines in his eyes.
If he was suspicious something was wrong before he left for New York a couple days ago, I’m sure it’s confirmed now. The effortless camaraderie and flirtation we had before is gone, replaced with stilted awkwardness.
I no longer know how to act around him, and it’s clear that’s confusing to him. How couldn’t it be? Just a few days ago we were sneaking away to share kisses in the snow, and now I can’t stand to be in the same room with him for more than a few minutes.
I crawl into the far back seat of the SUV and settle in as Becks squeezes in next to me. The seats are by no means spacious, and Becks is a big guy, so there’s no way to sit without brushing up against him. Even so, I move as far to the side as possible.
Seemingly oblivious to my need for space, Becks manspreads next to me, eating up any of the buffer I just put between us.