24. Free will? Fate? I Don’t Fucking Know, My Brain Is Slush
24
Free will? Fate? I Don’t Fucking Know, My Brain Is Slush
Idris
S he was mine. She was mine and I was hers. Completely and utterly hers, to do with as she would. That was the only thought my liquified brain could conjure. She’d sucked every coherent thought, every scrap of sentience, out of me, and then left me to somehow put myself back together in a way that vaguely resembled an intelligent being.
Deafened by my pulse booming through every inch of my body, I stared at the door of frosted ice long after her shadowy silhouette had faded from it. Had this actually happened, or was it a dream? Perhaps I’d fallen asleep on the sofa, or worse, perhaps I’d never left the castle at all. If all of it, the skating, the kiss, and this… If it turned out to be a dream, there would be no mercy for whoever woke me from this particular curse.
At length, the sharp nip of the night fought its way through my brain fog. Right, I was half naked. With weak, clumsy hands, I tugged my trousers back up, hiding the last of the evidence that Aliza had ever been here at all .
How was she real? How could such a beautiful, brazen creature exist, and how had she found her way to me? Why did this—whatever it was—exist between us? Why me, of all the undeserving people?
Not that I was about to resist. I had never been the selfless sort, and I wasn’t about to begin now. However unworthy I might be, with all my history and darkness, with my bleak future, I wanted her, and I wasn’t about to get in my own way.
Blinking away some of the daze, I revolved on the spot. My suite seemed particularly lonely now. All this space and grandeur, and nobody to share it with. Aliza slept in the next room, with my brother. Jealousy coiled and writhed in the pit of my stomach, a snake poised to strike.
She shouldn’t be sleeping at all. She should be here, with me, and I should be depriving her of rest in the most inventive of ways.
Instead, the lonely glass on the table drew my eye, its innocuous presence glaring. I would drink alone, I would sleep alone, and come morning, I would wake alone.
With a sigh, I flopped down onto the sofa and snatched up the glass, swirling its contents before knocking it back. It burnt my gullet on its way down, searing away some of the oily resentment that was building there.
I had nobody to blame for my circumstances but myself. If I hadn’t been fool enough to give up my birthright, it would have been me in the royal suite. Me at Aliza’s side. That would have been worth every tedious hour spent pouring over history books, or studying politics and the art of war. All those stiff, pretentious events, all of the meaningless, overly polite chit-chat would have been worth it if it meant I could fall asleep with Aliza nestled against my chest .
What would become of me?
I’d had my life planned out, once. I’d known my path. There had been no doubt in my mind or heart, but fate had rolled the dice, and in so doing, had stripped everything away from me. Now I was left reeling in the decimated wasteland of my existence, with no clue as to my next steps.
Taryn was dead. My father was dead. Jane had moved on. The only bright spot on my horizon, Aliza, came with a hefty caveat. The crown I’d never wanted. The throne I’d tried to hand to my idiotic little brother in my desperation to be free of it.
What if none of the horrors of my past had ever happened? What if Taryn had grown into a fine young male, and Jane and I were still wed? What if my father still ruled the kingdoms? Would Aliza ever have come to Neath at all, and if she had, would I have had the guts to do something about it?
Everything I’d told her tonight was true. Even if Jane had never found happiness with Bryn, it would still be Aliza that I wanted. She was everything I desired, the match to my soul, but could I have wounded Jane like that?
It was fruitless to torture myself with the choices I’d never been given the chance to make.
My family was gone, and nothing would change that, but Aliza was here, and I did not regret her presence. Not for a moment. In its violent way, fate had cleared the road to her.
If only I hadn’t been fool enough to place Anwir as an obstacle in my path.
Abandoning my seat, I prowled to the far wall, glaring at the blank swathe of ice. My suite was a mirror to Anwir’s, and somewhere on the far side of that frozen barrier, my brother slept, safe in the knowledge that we would all dance to his tune. That he would emerge from this mess with everything he’d ever wanted. He wouldn’t let a little matter like the throne belonging to Aliza stand in his way. I wasn’t sure how, but he’d find a way to twist it to his advantage and come out of this as king. If Aliza refused to abdicate, or marry him, there was no telling what he might do; perhaps he would take a leaf from our dear, old uncle’s book and cast a curse of his own.
A faint, shifting glow lit the ice. I glanced down at my torso, exposed by my unbuttoned shirt. Lightning threaded beneath my skin, streaking and glowing like a living, internal web. It had been many years since it had surfaced so freely, many years since it had skirted on the wrong side of control. If I wasn’t careful, I would reveal my deception to the world, forever taking away my last semblance of choice.
With a sigh that lifted my shoulders, I braced my hand against the wall, bowing my head. Hair flopped into my eyes, but I closed them, obliterating my view of my magic-laced skin.
Who was I trying to fool? The only question was how to navigate this mess, because I knew what I wanted. I’d made my choice. It had been inevitable since the moment I’d opened my eyes to the kiss of a stranger with rainbow hair.