25. This Is The Worst
25
This Is The Worst
Aliza
C old air doused me from head to toe, startling me from my vivid dreams of ice and starlit kisses with a snort.
Idris smirked at me, clutching my bunched-up blanket in his arms. No, not Idris. Anwir, clad in a burgundy doublet embroidered with gold thread. I scrambled against the arm of the sofa, shielding my chest in case my cami had slipped during the night, freeing one of the girls.
“Relax.” Anwir shook out the blanket, folding it. “I’m not interested. This is merely your wake-up call. We don’t want the servants finding you sleeping on the sofa, do we? They might think something is amiss.”
I massaged the thudding pulse in my neck. “If you ever do that again, our deal’s off.” What a dick.
He stilled, his green eyes narrowing slightly. “It’s a deal now, is it?”
“No! Just a temporary arrangement. The arrangement will be off.” Fucking hell, that was close. Whatever time it was, it was too early to be playing mind games with someone who would definitely use a slip of the tongue against me.
Sunlight streamed through the misted windows, dousing the room in dazzling glints as it bounced off the ice. Everything glittered. It might have been beautiful if not for Anwir’s sour presence .
I swung my feet to the rugged floor, still reeling from my brutal wake-up call, and rubbed the grit from my eyes. Between my encounter with Idris and this, I hadn’t managed nearly enough sleep. At least it had been a good one, full of dreams that left me light and floppy, like a spa day. There hadn’t been even a hint of a nightmare to spoil the loveliness.
“You look terrible,” Anwir observed, still watching me with a detached sort of interest, like I was a specimen in a jar.
I shot him a glare, even as my eyes itched to close. “Weird. It definitely can’t have anything to do with my sleeping arrangements.”
The deflection came easily. If I’d been given a fluffy bed, my sleep-deprived state might have aroused more suspicion, but Anwir chuckled, accepting his role in my dishevelled state gladly. Maybe even relishing the fact that the court would assume he had something to do with my lack of sleep. Gross.
Despite the merrily burning fire, the chill morning air had me shivering. It was definitely a knitwear sort of day. Stuffed in boxes on top of my wardrobe at home were dozens of gorgeous woollen dresses and jumpers, waiting to be brought out of storage when the summer months faded. All useless to me just when I really needed them.
Wincing, I eased to my feet, my muscles burning and stiff after reliving my youthful dreams upon the frozen lake. God, I could hardly move. I hobbled to my chest.
“Not today, my dear,” Anwir said. “It’s time you dressed the part.”
I peered blearily over my shoulder. “What?”
“I have a gift for you. Come with me.” He set off for his bedroom, disappearing through the door .
Did I really want to know what this ‘gift’ was? It couldn’t be that bad if he’d banished me to the sofa, but still. Following untrustworthy men into their own domain was usually a bad idea. On the other hand, if he wanted to harm me, he could do it right here in the living room. I rolled my eyes and followed.
Anwir had claimed the bedroom before I’d had a chance to have a proper look at it, but it was every bit as grand as I’d pictured. The bed was part of the frozen architecture, carved from the same block of ice as the floor and walls. An enormous, elaborate headboard, depicting some sort of big cat, dominated one wall.
Tacky. Not grand. It suited Anwir.
The prince himself lingered beside an enormous wardrobe, large enough to comfortably house six people. A gown hung from it, the train puddling on the furry rugs covering the floor. A pair of dangerously high heels sat beside the pooling fabric. A mini war broke out in my chest, trepidation raging against excitement. I rarely wore anything beyond the most sensible heel. I was tall enough as it was, and my friends were all tiny, so the last thing I wanted was to look even bigger by comparison. But I was shorter than most fae, certainly Anwir. I could wear those heels without feeling like some lumbering giant. On the other hand, I’d never worn heels that high. Could I even walk in them? My feet hurt just looking at them.
“While you were busy dithering over whether or not to make an arrangement with me, I took the liberty of thinking ahead and having a few pieces made. It’s time you dressed for your role. The outfit you wore last night was unbecoming for a queen. This one will suit your hair. ”
While I had no aversion to wearing beautiful dresses every now and again, the thought of Anwir choosing my wardrobe, deciding what would suit me, made my stomach churn. As for the colour… Dull, that was what it was. Dull, like my hair. The folds of cream and gold were pretty enough, but it wasn’t something I’d have chosen for myself.
Before I could do more than open my mouth, half-formed words of protest brewing in my throat, Anwir tugged a rope hanging near the wall.
A fae female materialised almost instantly, sinking into a curtsy before her simple, ice blue dress had finished fluttering. Was it by design that the servant blended almost seamlessly into the background, with her pale skin, platinum hair, and wintery garb?
“The queen would like to dress,” Anwir said to the female as he passed without a glance, marching for the door. He tossed over his shoulder at me, “I’ll see you at breakfast, dearest. For now, I have business to attend to.”
I spun on my heel, but he was already gone.
God, I hated him. Hated that he viewed me as just another piece in his game, that he didn’t trouble himself with what I wanted. He needed me a hell of a lot more than I needed him. He was a vulture, preying on my compassion for his people.
I swallowed down my growl of frustration and forced a smile. Whatever Anwir’s flaws, the poor servant had nothing to do with it. I fixed a smile on my face and resigned myself to the fussing that was surely coming my way.
The finishing touches had barely been applied to my hair when Anwir returned, bright-eyed and smiling, putting on a picture-perfect display of the doting fiancé. He strolled to my side where I teetered before a full-length mirror, my ankles straining to hold me steady in my new shoes. Our reflections stared back at us from inside a halo of frost.
“You look beautiful,” he purred.
He wasn’t wrong. I wouldn’t have chosen the dress myself, but it was gorgeous. As was the crystal tiara perched on top of my loose, fudge-coloured waves. The overall effect was a bit too bridal for my liking, but it was just a costume, and the stage was set for my performance.
I hitched a smile onto my face, imagining it was Idris standing beside me. Identical they might be, but there was no fooling my heart. If the right prince was at my side, the dread of the coming day would pale into insignificance.
But when Anwir led me into the grand hall for breakfast, Idris’ place at the high table was empty. My smile slipped for the briefest of moments before I swept my eyes over the assembled court. Necks craned to peer at me, and more than a few people turned to mutter to their companions. Judging by the prickling of my skin, the intensity of the curiosity surrounding me had been stoked by the flames of my rebirth. Who could blame them? I’d stare too, and probably have plenty to say if I was gossiping about somebody else with my own friends.
A weight settled on my shoulders. Would I ever gossip with the girls again? I was dead to them, and if Anwir’s plan failed, I would stay that way. They would miss me for a while, maybe shed a few tears, but ultimately, they would move on. They’d achieve their dreams and live their lives, and I would become a distant memory, hardly thought of at all. I’d never know if they fell in love. I’d never be a bridesmaid, or hold their babies, or talk shit about their exes. I’d never be the cool auntie with too much money because she chose to live her life free of kids and men.
Anwir steered me into my seat with the skill of a prince who’d wooed many a lady, and though it grated on every nerve in my body, I arranged my face into what I hoped passed for a fawning expression and smiled at him as he sat beside me. Lady Celyn took her seat on his far side, and beyond her sat Sage. Beside me, Idris’ seat was glaringly empty.
“I don’t suppose you know where my wretched brother has gotten to?” Anwir muttered, his doting smile quite at odds with his sneering tone.
“How should I know? I’ve been stuck in your room being polished and powdered all morning.”
“Then I’m to take it you know absolutely nothing about his room being empty, his bed unslept in?”
I looked away, hoping he hadn’t noticed the blood draining from my face. This line of questioning sailed too close to the truth for my liking. “If you’re implying he shared my sofa, I suggest you take another look and consider the physics.”
My appetite vanished. Idris hadn’t been in bed when I’d paid him an impromptu visit last night, but I’d assumed he would have collapsed into dreams, as I had, not long after I’d left. Where had he spent the night?
Memories of the Nairsgarth ball surfaced unhelpfully. It had only been a few short weeks since then. Despite his assurances that he hadn’t had any more suicidal urges, it would be naive to think whatever had driven him to such dark thoughts had loosened its hold since then. He’d been drinking last night, hadn’t he? He’d put a glass down on the table. What if my visit hadn’t had the intended effect at all? What if leaving him alone with that fucking drink had led him down the darkest of paths?
Worry churned in my gut. He had to be okay. I’d feel it through the bond if he wasn’t, wouldn’t I? My fingers drifted to my chest, where the ghost of my long-since faded lightning mark lay beneath thick, cream fabric and swirling gold thread. Nothing but my heartbeat answered. Was that good, or bad?
“Smile, people are looking,” Anwir hissed through his bared teeth. I forced my lips to curl, though whether the effect was a pleasant one, I couldn’t say.
I didn’t know how I managed to fumble my way through breakfast. I barely noticed what I was eating, though all of it tasted like dust. When Lady Celyn asked me if I’d enjoyed the meat-free options she had arranged, I managed to string a jumble of words together, though judging by Anwir’s scowl, I didn’t meet his lofty standards. A drop of guilt mingled with the acidic potion of worry and desperation bubbling in the pit of my belly. I didn’t want to offend anyone, least of all Lady Celyn. The female was a bit of an icon, ruling her kingdom in her own right, holding Maelgwyn at bay, and still managing to look flawless at the same time. She was kind too. Hospitable. Pansy had once told me the fae were sticklers for hospitality, but just because it was ingrained didn’t mean it couldn’t come from a place of kindness too. I’d make a point of thanking her properly at our next meal. Idris would have shown his face by then, and everything would be okay .
But he was still absent as we abandoned the table, and there was no sign of him as Anwir steered me into the snowy grounds like a bitted and bridled show pony. I’d never admit it, but I was grateful for the support of his arm. The heels were a challenge, not to mention the skirts of my gown tangling around my legs, and without his arm to cling onto, I probably would have spilled all over the snowy steps. The cold seeped through the thin soles, freezing my stockinged feet. Anwir might have put a lot of thought into how I would look, but he clearly hadn’t considered the practicalities. The balls of my feet ached as we headed for one of several sleighs harnessed to teams of tiny ponies with shaggy coats.
“Where are we going?” I asked. More importantly, would Idris know where to find us if he needed to? Even the sight of the fuzzy ponies bedecked in tiny bells wasn’t enough to distract me from his ominous absence.
“Lady Celyn has arranged a small ceremony in the city. Nothing strenuous, I assure you.”
A ceremony? I dug my heels into the ground, forcing Anwir to halt. He looked back in mild surprise.
“Is that what this dress is in aid of?” I demanded, spreading my arms to display it fully.
“In part, yes. I couldn’t have you seen in public in those hideous garments you usually wear.”
My clothes were far from hideous, but that was beside the point. “So, you think you can just truss me up in a wedding gown and trick me into some secret ceremony?”
Anwir’s eyes widened, his mouth falling open, and then, much to my annoyance, he burst into laughter. I crossed my arms, waiting for it to subside. I would have tapped my frozen foot if I wasn’t convinced it wouldn’t bring me tumbling down in a heap.
“A wedding?” Anwir wheezed. “Is that what you think this is?”
My scowl deepened. People were watching, hanging on our interaction like it was trashy reality TV. I focused on my balance, taking a few steps closer to Anwir so I could hiss in his ear, “Oh, I don’t know. You’ve proven yourself willing to lie and deceive to get what you want. You tell me to wear a white dress, and now we’re off to some secret ceremony in a sleigh pulled by ponies? Seems pretty weddingy to me, don’t you think?”
Anwir didn’t bother to lower his voice when he responded, smiling lovingly down at me. “Not today, my dear. I’m afraid it’s a different sort of ceremony.” Then, before I could react, he pecked me on the cheek. My mouth fell open in protest. “It is a surprise, however. Come.”
Could I trust him? No. The answer came immediately, crashing and clanging in my head. No, I absolutely couldn’t. When I didn’t move, he took my hand, squeezing in what might have been an attempt at reassurance, but only felt like a trap. Behind him, Lady Celyn and a few other members of the court were clambering into the waiting sleighs.
If it did turn out to be a wedding, no crippling shoes would stop me from running away. I wouldn’t have to go through with it. I could say no. Besides, Anwir was in love with somebody else. I’d heard it from his own mouth. He had no interest in me now that my body was no longer human, not beyond riling his people up for war. We didn’t need to be married for that.
There was no reason for him to lie to me this time .
Except, like an idiot, I’d told him the throne had chosen me. I’d made myself into an obstacle, or a prize. Through me, he could claim the throne, just as Maelgwyn had attempted to do when he’d offered me a choice between marriage and death.
My heart ricocheted off my ribs as I walked toward the sleigh. The ponies were adorable, but I’d have much preferred to have Saeth waiting for me, his wings ready to speed me into the sky and away from this mess I’d landed myself in. As far as I knew, the horse was still far away from here, but being separated by kingdoms and wards and enemy lines had never stopped Idris from finding him before.
My stomach roiled, but I refused to let myself believe that the prince would attempt the same thing twice. He wouldn’t have flown while drunk. He wouldn’t succumb so soon after everything he’d said on the ice last night.
Before long, I was shivering beneath a woollen blanket with Anwir at my side as the sleigh jingled through the city streets. Busy city streets. Crowds dithered on the pavements, waving and cheering as we passed at a suspiciously languid speed. Some of the watching fae even pointed straight at me, their eyes wide with wonder.
Anwir waved and smiled, ever the perfect, charming prince as we trundled down street after busy street.
“Is this a parade?” I hissed.
“These are some of the last free fae in my realms. Many of them long to be reunited with family or friends still trapped in the other lands. Call it what you will, but they have waited a long time to see this day. To see us . Now remember your manners.”
I didn’t mind a bit of attention now and again, but to have thousands of eyes boring into me, to have all those hopes pinned on me, all those troubles laid on my shoulders… I wanted to slump in my seat and hide behind the sides of the sleigh, maybe even pull the blanket right over my head. When I’d imagined helping Anwir, I’d only thought of the end result, of Maelgwyn defeated and the people, and me , free. This was something I hadn’t considered, and I didn’t like it one bit. Was I any better than Anwir? By being here, by sitting beside him, I was as much of a liar as he was. I was wordlessly asking these people, these real flesh and blood people, to risk their lives, giving them the false hope that all would be okay just because I was here, the promised Human Queen, come to save them all. To lead them to victory. To fulfil their ancient prophecy. That wasn’t me. I was just Aliza, just a girl still figuring out her own world, never mind this one, and I was incapable of saving anyone.
But someone had to do something.
Idris’ stories drifted back to me, mingled with Sage and Anwir’s. Warnings. Horrific tales. The gods were stirring. They wanted out of their prison, and if they broke free, everyone who smiled and waved at me today would die, even the children who bounced up and down with such enthusiasm and joy. There weren’t many of them in the crowd, but that made them all the more precious. The snow would be stained red with their blood if somebody didn’t fight.
Maybe I wasn’t being entirely honest about who I was, but my purpose was pure. It might be a hopeless cause we fought for, but I couldn’t allow myself to believe that. I didn’t know how to accept the bad in the world. I didn’t know how to sit back and do nothing.
If all I could do was smile and wave, then so be it. I forced my trembling hand into the air. Cheers rose up like a song.