13.
Maggie
A willowy brunette stood in front of Shay. Her brown eyes were wide with surprise while his clouded in what looked like discomfort. It didn’t take too many brain cells to piece it all together. She wore a store uniform, and the name tag on her fleece that read “Emer” tipped me off. Shay had made an excuse to leave when he realised where I was headed, and now, it all made sense.
His ex worked there.
She signed something to him, and he signed back. Immediately, I felt out of the loop with no means of deciphering what they were saying. Shay’s attention was on her, and though I suspected he hadn’t wanted to run into her, he was being polite and making conversation. I knew it was ridiculous, but a tendril of jealousy reared its head. I was developing feelings for Shay, and I would’ve gone happily to my grave without ever running into one of his exes.
Shay signed something else to her, motioning in my direction, and she turned to me. “I’m so sorry. We’re being rude. I take it you don’t know sign language?”
“Afraid not,” I replied, mustering a smile as I sensed a hint of satisfaction in her. She liked having that one over on me, it seemed. “I’m Maggie.”
Emer bobbed her head, taking me in as though trying to add up our differences and decide if I was a step up or a step down from her. I didn’t judge her for it. We all had fragile egos when it came to past relationships and the people our exes moved on with. Then again, if I was with someone as amazing as Shay, I’d never throw it away on something as pointless and frivolous as a one-night stand.
So, maybe I was judging her a little bit.
“It’s nice to meet you, Maggie,” she said. “I’m Emer. Shay and I … we used to go out.”
“Yes,” I replied. “He’s mentioned you.” I hoped that didn’t sound bitchy. As much as I was jealous of her history with Shay, there was nothing to be gained by being mean.
Shay came and stood close to me, surprising me when he signed something to Emer, then slid his arm around my waist. “Oh,” she said, glancing between the two of us. “Well, I’ll leave you to your shopping, then. I’ve just finished my shift, so I need to be getting home.” She paused, reaching out to squeeze Shay’s arm, which I did not like one bit. I needed to cop myself on. We’d been spending time together, but it wasn’t like I had any ownership over him. “It was great running into you, Shay. Don’t be a stranger, yeah?”
He looked conflicted, not responding as an awkward moment ensued. Emer looked disappointed before she turned on her heel and left. I glanced at Shay, eyebrows raised. “So, that’s why you were so eager to leave.”
He shot me a look of apology for lying, and although I wasn’t exactly mad at him, I was concerned. Most people didn’t want to bump into their exes, sure, but Shay had made up a fake excuse instead of being upfront. It made me feel like there was something he wasn’t telling me, but I wasn’t confident enough to push him on it.
“Do you still want to go home, or …” He shook his head, his hand pressing to my lower back to indicate he didn’t want to leave. I was still full of questions, but without the air pods, we couldn’t talk easily. I headed inside and picked up a basket, grabbing a few essentials and covertly studying Shay all the while. He seemed to be in a contemplative mood, his expression drawn as he accompanied me around the supermarket.
The whole incident outside made me wonder if he still had unresolved feelings for Emer, if he really was over her as he claimed. He said his feelings changed completely after she cheated, but I knew firsthand love didn’t always work that way. Sometimes people could break your trust over and over, but your heart forgave them even when your brain knew you shouldn’t.
“Do you miss her?” I asked gently as we passed through the dairy aisle. The question was born of insecurity, I knew. There was a moment outside while Shay had been easily conversing with Emer where I wondered if it would ever be that easy for us. I was only just starting to tackle my literacy struggles, and I had no clue how long it might take to eventually learn sign language.
Shay frowned and shook his head, and even though he didn’t hesitate to answer, I still felt uneasy. What if I was being too hasty getting close to him, and it was all going to backfire?
What if I gave my heart to Shay, and he decided to get back together with Emer? He might’ve thought he was over her, but if the hopeful look in her eyes was anything to go by, she wasn’t fully over him.
These were the worries that filled my head for the rest of the evening. Shay insisted on carrying my groceries home, which I appreciated, even though my mood was withdrawn. We went back to my place, and I cooked us some spicy chicken thighs with rice. The atmosphere had shifted, though. I was concerned and starting to worry a lot, especially because he didn’t bring up Emer for the rest of the evening. He didn’t try to reassure me they truly were over for good, which was what I really needed to hear.
When he turned to kiss me as he was leaving, his lips met mine, careful and soft. He studied me intensely, and I wondered if he’d read my misgivings. Maybe I was overthinking the whole thing because he probably had no idea how much I was internally freaking out.
It was only about an hour after Shay left when someone buzzed on my doorbell. I frowned, wondering who it might be. No one ever really called to see me. Maybe Siobhan had locked herself out and needed me to open the front door. I went to the window and peered out, my eyebrows raising all the way up into my forehead when I saw Nigel standing outside talking to Bob and Siobhan.
What the hell?
I threw on my coat and some shoes, then stepped outside, full of questions. The chilly November air nipped at my cheeks.
“Maggie, look who decided to pay us another visit,” Siobhan declared wryly when I emerged.
I glanced at Nigel my brow furrowed. “What are you doing here?”
He ran a hand over his short hair and shot me what appeared to be a humble expression. “I came to apologise for my behaviour that night a few weeks ago. I was disruptive, aggressive and rude, and I can’t tell you how much I regret what I did.” He looked to Bob, then to Siobhan, and finally back to me. “Drink turns me into another person. I swear I’m not normally like that. I hope you can all forgive me.”
“Well,” Siobhan sniffed. “As apologies go, I suppose that’s a decent enough effort.”
“Yes,” Bob agreed. “Very big of you to come back and say sorry, lad. The drink has turned many a fine man into a demon over the years. Maybe this’ll be a lesson to avoid it going forward.”
Nigel nodded, and I wondered if he was actually considering giving up alcohol or if he just wanted to keep Bob happy. Neither of my neighbours had a clue Nigel was Shay’s best friend. In fact, they hadn’t even met Shay yet, and I hadn’t told them about him. I had a feeling Nigel was only here so he could mend his bridges with Shay, but I decided not to be too hard on him. It was decent of him to come and apologise in person.
“Thank you for apologising,” I said, then folded my arms.
A moment of somewhat awkward silence ensued before Nigel scratched his chin and said, “Right, well, I’d better be off. Thank you all for accepting my apology. I promise you won’t have any trouble from me again.”
Bob and Siobhan said goodbye to him and started heading inside. I frowned at his departing figure, then hurried to catch up with him. “Nigel,” I called out. “Wait a minute.”
He stopped and turned around, expectant. I blew out a breath and asked, “Did Shay put you up to this?”
He let out a mirthless chuckle. “It was that obvious, huh?”
“I had my suspicions.”
Nigel sighed and fiddled with the sleeve of his coat. “Shay suggested I say sorry in person, but he didn’t expressly tell me I had to do it. Coming here tonight was my decision in the end. He’s been ignoring me for over a week, and I just want my friend back.”
So, his motivations were mostly selfish. It didn’t surprise me. We all did things to benefit ourselves a lot of the time. The pain in his voice had guilt pinching at me, though. Shay obviously meant a lot to him, which was why I relented.
“I’m sorry for telling Shay about that night. Maybe I should’ve let you do it yourself, but you kind of forced my hand when you were rude to me at Sunday dinner.”
Nigel shoved his hands in his pockets and bit the inside of his cheek. “Yeah, that was immature of me. I shouldn’t have behaved like that.”
“We all have our moments. I’m prepared to look past it if you are?” I said, holding out my hand.
He glanced down at my outstretched fingers before mustering something close to a smile. “It’s a truce, then. I suppose it’s best if we get along, for Shay’s sake, if nothing else.”
“Agreed.”
“Right, well, see you around.”
He was about to turn to leave when I blurted, “Do you know Emer?”
Nigel arched one eyebrow, his lips pressing together before he replied, “Shay’s ex? Of course.”
“We bumped into her today. I know they’ve been broken up for a year, but I could see they have a connection. She can speak sign language and everything—”
“That’s because her brother is deaf. It’s not like she learned it just for him,” Nigel cut in. There was something odd about his tone, but I couldn’t say precisely.
“Oh,” I said, self-consciously tucking some hair behind my ear. “Well, since you’re his best friend, I was wondering if I could get your honest opinion?”
He folded his arms. “Sure.”
I met his gaze, swallowing thickly. “Do you think they’ll ever get back together?”
I braced myself as I waited for his answer. Nigel’s expression was tense, his eyes flicking to the road for a minute before they returned my way. “Honestly? I don’t know, but it’s a possibility. Emer was the love of Shay’s life, and he’s loyal to a fault. She doesn’t deserve another shot with him, but knowing my friend, I couldn’t say it isn’t in him to give her one at some point.”
There was a note of dejection in his voice, but I didn’t have time to ponder it because a wave of pain crashed over me. His answer wasn’t what I wanted to hear. But I needed to hear it. I needed to be ready for the possibility that whatever was between Shay and me could abruptly end. I shouldn’t be letting my feelings grow so freely when they might be shattered at any point. I needed to make the decision to protect myself instead of leaving things up to chance.
“Thank you for being honest with me.”
“Look, just because there’s a small chance he’ll go back to her, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t explore something with him,” Nigel said, seeming to realise he might’ve been a bit too honest with me. “I saw how Shay looked at you at dinner that day. He really likes you, Maggie.”
Right, but that was the problem. Even if Shay really liked me, it didn’t mean I could rival what he felt for his ex.
“Thank you. That’s kind of you to say. Goodbye, Nigel.”
“Bye, Maggie,” he replied, casting me a slightly worried glance before I turned and walked back to my flat.
All night, I tossed and turned, conflicted over what to do about Shay. Either I took the risk of developing even more feelings for him, or I put a stop to things and went back to being just friends. Bus companions. I managed only a few hours of broken sleep and woke up the next morning feeling worse for wear.
After showering and getting dressed for work, the buzzer to my apartment went. I peered out the window, blinking when I spotted Shay outside with two coffee cups in hand. My heart did a somersault while my stomach dipped, two opposing reactions. It perfectly summed up how torn I was.
Quickly pulling on a cardigan, I went to let him inside. “Hi,” I breathed, taking him in. His coat was buttoned up to his chin, and he wore a black beanie hat that really suited him. The dark colour brought out his eyes. He lifted the cups, his expression questioning, and I stepped aside. “Please, come in.”
Shay moved past me, his eyes on mine as he entered through the narrow doorway, our chests almost brushing. I closed the door, slid over the lock and went back inside my flat. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was still early. I didn’t have to leave for the bus for another thirty minutes.
“Is everything okay?” I asked just as he pulled out a small brown paper bag and set it on the table along with the drinks. I could smell the rich aroma of coffee and whatever buttery pastries were inside the bag, knowing he’d gotten them from the place around the corner. My mouth watered as he patted the space beside him on my small couch and started to unbutton his coat before removing his hat.
“You brought me breakfast?” I asked, and he nodded, smiling gently. “Thank you. That was very thoughtful of you.”
Sitting, I picked up the coffee and took a sip. It wasn’t often I got to treat myself to takeaway coffee, so I tried to savour it, even though I was still nervous about why he’d come. My mind concocted all sorts of horrible ideas. Like what if he and Emer got texting last night and decided to give things another go? Or what if he couldn’t stop thinking about her all night after running into her?
Shay removed a croissant and placed it on a napkin before putting it down next to my coffee. There was something touching about the way he silently served me. We ate in quiet for a moment before he pulled out his phone. Anxiety thrummed through me because I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear whatever he’d come here so early to talk about.
Still, I took another fortifying sip of coffee while Shay began to type.
“Nigel called me late last night. He said the two of you spoke.”
There was a question in his eyes as I cleared my throat. “Yes, he came to apologize for what happened that night. He admitted you were the one who suggested it. My neighbours, Bob and Siobhan, seemed to appreciate him coming to say sorry in person.”
Shay pressed his lips together, nodding at my response as he glanced down at his phone, almost like he was deciding how to word what he wanted to say next.
Finally, he typed, “He also mentioned you asked about Emer.”
A bite of croissant got stuck in my throat. I had to work hard to push it down before I answered, “Yes, I, um …” I trailed off, feeling flustered. Shay placed his hand on top of mine, and I blinked up at him. His eyes were full of sincerity, and a long moment passed before he returned to typing, “I’m never getting back with her, Maggie. Never. The possibility is less than zero.”
Oh, God. Nigel must’ve told him how pathetic I seemed last night when I asked about her. I felt like dying of embarrassment. Now Shay knew how terribly insecure I was.
“How can you be so certain?” I practically whispered.
“Because I know my own mind. I didn’t want to bump into her yesterday because she’s the kind of person who’ll ask to be friends, and I have no interest in any kind of relationship with her anymore. I knew that if I told her this, she’d get upset, possibly make a scene, and I wanted to avoid all that. When we spoke in sign language, she suggested we meet up for lunch someday, and I told her no. She tried pushing the issue when she told me not to be a stranger, and she knew by my lack of response I have every intention of continuing to be one. That’s why she looked so disappointed when she left.”
“I had no idea,” I breathed.
“I should’ve said all this last night as soon as we got back here. That was my mistake, but I’m saying it now. She’s out of my life, Maggie. She’s out of it for good. You have to know I’ve never felt for anyone how I feel for you. I want you all the time. You’re the only person I’m thinking about, and I wish you’d believe me because I won’t let you convince yourself of something that simply isn’t true.”
I stared at him, lost for words. His fervent reassurance caused a pleasant warmth to rush through me as I shifted closer, our knees touching. “Thank you for saying all that. I’m sorry for being such an insecure mess. I’m just terrified of having my heart broken. It’s why I’ve been alone for so long.”
“But you let me in.”
“I did,” I breathed.
Several moments of quiet passed before he typed, “Have things been moving too fast for you? Because we can slow down.”
His offer made my heart lift, some of the heaviness that had been weighing down my emotions eased significantly. Maybe that was what we needed, to slow things down so I didn’t feel so panicked about how much closer we’d been getting. But at the same time, I didn’t want him to pull back. I didn’t want to see him any less often than I did now.
“I still want to spend time with you, though. I mean, the same amount of time. I’ll miss you if …”
“We can still spend time together.” There was a pause as a smile tugged at one corner of his mouth. “Just with less of the heavy petting.”
As soon as he typed it, my whole face flared with heat. I needed to get a grip. I was a thirty-one-year-old woman. I shouldn’t be getting shy over him mentioning what we’d done in my bed. My bed that was currently only a few feet away.
“That sounds like a good plan,” I said, then took a long gulp of coffee. Thankfully, it had cooled down enough it didn’t burn my throat.
Shay was still looking at me, his smile growing larger by the second. “You’re fucking beautiful, do you know that?”
I blinked, wondering if my ears were deceiving me, mainly because Shay rarely swore. The way he was looking at me stole my breath. “You’re not so bad yourself,” I said and focused back on my breakfast. I felt him push my hair over my shoulder.
“It’s going to be hard not touching you,” he typed, and I could practically hear the longing in his words. I ate the last of my croissant, too full of butterflies to respond.
***
Two weeks went by, and we fell into an easy rhythm. We sat together on the bus each day and continued getting to know one another. I hadn’t attended Sunday dinner again, but that was because the Connollys had wanted me to work an extra day to help prepare for some family members who were coming to visit. And the Sunday after that, I’d promised Vivi I’d bring her to buy some new shoes for school.
I continued attending my literacy class, which I was finding incredibly challenging, but I was determined to stick it out. It was one of the toughest things I’d ever done, and though it was way out of my comfort zone, I was determined to keep attending and improving my reading and writing. I hated when I got things wrong, and my brain kept telling me I should quit and go back to how things were, but I refused. I tried to focus on the positives. It was nice to meet the other people in the class and see I wasn’t alone. There were students of all ages there, many a lot older than me, which was reassuring.
I still hadn’t decided whether to accept Jonathan Oaks’ job offer. He’d texted me that morning to say I had three more days to consider it before he moved on to other candidates. I just kept replaying what Rhys had said about him being a nightmare boss, and I wasn’t sure if the pay increase was going to be worth the added stress.
It was the night of Mrs Reynold’s party, and her husband had no idea she’d been planning it. Well, I hoped he really didn’t know because I suspected if he didn’t act sufficiently gobsmacked and delighted when he got home tonight, she was going to blow a gasket. All the planning was clearly starting to get to her. I’d already witnessed her have a screaming match with one of the caterers. I was going out of my way to be as quiet and unnoticeable as possible to avoid facing her wrath.
I felt like a tiny dormouse scurrying from room to room just hoping not to be squished under anyone’s foot.
Today was Saturday, so I hadn’t seen Shay since he’d walked me home yesterday after the bus. We’d been spending the same amount of time together, but without the touching. I didn’t expect to miss it so much.
I missed his kisses most of all.
But slowing things down was good. That way, there was less chance of me freaking out and pushing him away because of some catastrophic possibility my brain conjured up.
I’d arrived at Mrs Reynolds’ house hours ago, making sure the kitchen and all the bathrooms were spotless, and helping with some of the decorating. The party guests had just started to arrive, and my job was to clean up spills and collect any empty glasses or plates left about. I wore black trousers and a black blouse to fit in with the servers, my hair fashioned in a neat bun. I’d initially had it in an equally neat ponytail, but Mrs Reynolds insisted I redo it into a bun because it would look classier.
It was a good thing I kept spare hair pins in my bag.
The kids were staying with their grandparents because the party was exclusively for adults. I briefly imagined my younger siblings running around, eating all the expensive canapés, spitting them out and yelling that caviar was gross, then trying to steal people’s drinks. It put a grin on my face as I collected some empty champagne flutes, setting them on a tray before I turned to bring them to the kitchen.
I couldn’t help being distracted by a tall woman who must’ve been a model or maybe an actress. She wore a long red gown fitted perfectly to her body. She was stunning. I was busy covertly admiring her and wondering what I might look like wearing such a gown when a familiar form caught my eye, and I froze.
Was that … Shay?
He stood in the corner of the high-ceilinged room wearing all black, and I was struck by how handsome he looked. I remembered Mrs Reynolds mentioning she’d hired security for the event because there were some high-profile guests. Shay must’ve been freelancing for extra cash. Tingles skittered down my spine seeing him in work mode, his keen gaze alert and watchful. I found it very attractive. He hadn’t seen me yet, and I didn’t want to distract him from his job, so I quickly hurried past the giant twinkling Christmas tree.
I was almost out of the room when a shrill voice called my name. “Maggie! There’s been a spill out on the terrace. I need you to clean it up right away.”
Shay heard my name being called and his eyes darted to me. He looked surprised to see me, just as I had been to see him. I turned to Mrs Reynolds. “Of course. I’ll take care of that now.”
Without looking back at Shay, I hurried to grab a mop and other cleaning supplies before heading out to the terrace. The expansive back garden was lit up and decorated, an extension of the party inside, where people could drink and smoke or vape freely. Someone had spilled red wine on the paving stones, which normally wouldn’t require urgent cleaning because the rain was sure to wash it away eventually. But as she’d said, Mrs Reynolds wanted everything to be perfect, and that meant no red wine stains on the paving.
Some of the party guests politely moved out of the way so I could clean, and I was almost done when a pair of black boots entered my field of vision. I looked up, mustering a smile for Shay.
“I didn’t know you freelanced,” I said as I got down on my knees to quickly dry up the section I’d mopped with some thick kitchen towels. When I was done, I shoved them into a plastic bag and tied it up.
Shay shrugged and nodded to the other end of the garden where Rhys and two other similarly dressed men were watching the party guests. “Ah, so Rhys is running security for the party?” I guessed and Shay nodded before offering me his hand to help me up. I grimaced. “My hands are dirty. You shouldn’t—” Before I could finish the sentence, he took my hand in his large, warm palm and helped me to my feet.
“Um, thanks,” I said, somewhat breathy as I glanced up at him. His grey-green eyes were intent on mine and tingles shot through me. Why did his attention always make me feel that way?
Needing a distraction, I motioned inside. “This is one of the houses I clean. The owner asked me to do some overtime during the party.” I paused, shooting Shay a weary look as I lowered my voice. “She’s the one I told you about. The, uh, highly strung one.”
He didn’t look pleased at that and glanced around, almost like he wanted to find Mrs Reynolds and glower at her for making me cry that day. I had to will my pulse to quit racing at the idea. Shay returned his attention to me and started to pull out his phone, possibly to type a message, but I quickly made my excuses. If Mrs Reynolds caught me dawdling, there’d be hell to pay.
“I better be getting back,” I said and hurried away with the mop and bucket.
I stowed it in the utility room, then went to wash my hands. After that, I returned to the party and resumed collecting glasses and small plates. I must’ve been off my game, probably from Shay being here unexpectedly, because I mistakenly bumped into one of the party guests, an older man wearing a navy suit. The glass of champagne he held sloshed onto his white shirt, and I paled at the sight.
Of course, Mrs Reynolds was nearby to witness the entire thing.
The man looked furious, and I swallowed thickly as my boss hurried over.
“Frank, I’m so sorry. Let me bring you to get cleaned up.” She took his arm, shooting me a violent glare as she led him away from the party. Anxiety threatened to drown me, and I was surprised she hadn’t given me an earful, but of course, she was probably saving that for later when she could berate me in private.
Through the window, I saw Shay. He was still outside, but he’d obviously seen the whole thing, too. He seemed concerned. A second later, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out, finding a text from him. I mouthed the words as I concentrated on reading them.
Are you okay? Do you need me?
He was still watching me from his spot outside. I shook my head at him, returning my phone to my pocket and started in the direction of the kitchen. Before I got there, I was roughly pulled aside by Mrs Reynolds. Her fingers dug into my arm as she dragged me to the end of the hallway, then finally let go.
“Do you have any idea who you just spilled champagne all over?” she seethed. “Frank Gleeson is a highly acclaimed film director. He’s won two BAFTAS.”
“I don’t care who he is. Don’t grab me like that again,” I retorted, shocking even myself when I said it. I didn’t want to be fired, but I also wouldn’t tolerate her being physically aggressive with me, no matter how grave my mistake. I wasn’t about to stand there simpering and begging to keep my job while she intentionally dug her nails into my arm.
“Excuse me?”
“I’m sorry for bumping into him, but it was an honest mistake. And I might only be your cleaning lady, but that doesn’t give you permission to assault me.”
I swear I saw a blood vessel about to burst in her normally smooth forehead. “Assault? That wasn’t … Maggie, listen, I’m going to—”
Before she could finish, a woman came hurrying down the hallway. “Sariah! Clark has just arrived outside. Everyone’s taking their places. Come quick.”
Mrs Reynolds narrowed her eyes on me. “We’ll talk later,” she said and stomped away. I blew out a breath, my nerves frayed. I was just so sick of trying to keep her happy all the time. I’d held my own during the encounter, stood up for myself, but now my emotions rushed forth, my hands shaking and tears threatening to spill. I’d always hated confrontation, and I hated people grabbing me even more.
It reminded me of how Mam would do it. She’d throw her weight around when she was drunk or angry about something and in the mood to take it out on me.
There were noises of excitement when I finally I got my emotions under control, wiping at my eyes as I returned to the party. Someone turned off all the lights so they could surprise Clark when he stepped in the door. Darkness surrounded me, and my eyes still hadn’t adjusted when someone’s warmth met my back. I knew it was Shay when his familiar fingers slid through mine.
I turned, finding his eyes shining down at me in the dark. He tugged on my hand, and I let him lead me away from the party. We reached one of the downstairs bathrooms, and Shay pushed the door open before tugging me inside. He flicked on the light, then closed the door behind him and turned over the lock. His eyes were a little wild as he took me in, full of questions and concern. It soothed some of my frayed nerves to have him there, the person who always made me feel so protected. Whatever Mrs Reynolds made me feel, Shay was the antidote.
I was vaguely aware of the party guests shouting, “Surprise!” when Shay pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me tight, somehow instilling me with the peace and calm I craved. The fact we’d been physically distant the last two weeks made his hug affect me even more. I felt soothingly surrounded, and I didn’t want to leave the loving protection of his hug. His hand petted gently at my back, and I closed my eyes, allowing myself the indulgence of savouring the solace of his strong arms and comforting embrace.