14.
Maggie
My eyes remained closed as I inhaled Shay’s now familiar scent. It caused some kind of chemical reaction in my brain because my body was instilled with a calm I hadn’t felt two minutes ago. His hug set my body and heart on fire, enveloping me in a comforting warmth but also a sensual heat. I could feel his pulse thundering beneath my ear as my arms threaded around his neck. This felt right. It felt like … home.
Hefelt like home, I realised and startled.
His arms tightened around me, and I was swept up in an overwhelming wave of desire. I couldn’t resist pressing my lips to the corner of his jaw. A shudder went through him, and a second later, his mouth was on mine, his tall frame crowding me until my back met the wall.
His tongue was a delicious invasion, and I moaned loudly. God, I’ve missed this, I thought, as his hand came up to cup my cheek, his thumb tracing back and forth over the delicate centre of my throat. A rough gust of breath escaped him as his other hand left my waist to grip my arm. I winced and gasped, momentarily breaking the kiss as a sharp sting of pain shot through me.
Shay drew back, his eyes dark and questioning. My arm felt bruised. I hadn’t noticed it until he touched me, but it must’ve been from when Mrs Reynolds grabbed me and dragged me down the hallway.
Shay signed something. I suspected it was a question along the lines of “What’s wrong?” or “Did I hurt you?” His features were etched with worry and concern.
I cleared my throat, still feeling upset over the whole thing. “Mrs Reynolds was mad at me for knocking into that man. Supposedly, he’s some bigshot film director. She got a little rough with me just now, but don’t worry. I stood up for myself and told her she had no right to grab me. She seemed shaken when I used the word assault—”
Before I could finish, Shay was typing into the app on his phone.
“She fucking grabbed you?”
Glancing up at him, I saw how wild his eyes were. He was furious.
“Yes,” I answered. “But I’m fine. No harm done. Well, not much, at least.”
Without hesitating, Shay shoved his phone back in his pocket and gently began rolling my shirt sleeve up to inspect my arm. I glanced down, surprised by the bruise already forming. Shay inhaled sharply, his fingers tracing the tender area before his expression hardened. He unrolled the sleeve and fixed it back down for me. I couldn’t read what he was thinking, but then he took my hand, unlocked the door, and led me back out into the party.
I had no idea where he was taking me. The guests were much louder and more jovial now that Clark, the guest of honour, had arrived. Shay never let go of my hand as he led me out to the garden. Rhys stood by the back wall, his tall, broad shoulders straight as he scanned the area. Shay approached him, only dropping my hand so he could sign something to his cousin.
Seeing them together, the family resemblance was striking. It was pronounced in the way Rhys’ expression darkened just as Shay’s had when he discovered my bruise. His eyes, which were blue as opposed to Shay’s grey-green, landed on me. They travelled over me intently, as though searching for injury. It was clear Shay had just relayed my encounter with Mrs Reynolds.
“Maggie, are you okay?” Rhys asked.
“I’m fine, honestly,” I replied, though my voice sounded brittle.
His thick eyebrows drew together, obviously not convinced by my answer. I wasn’t either, to be honest, but I hated being scrutinised, especially with how delicate I was feeling.
“I should get back to work,” I said, turning to leave, but Shay caught my hand, his warm palm sliding against mine as he shook his head.
“You’re shaken,” Rhys said. “Shay’s going to take you home, and if Sariah Reynolds comes looking for you, I’ll tell her she’s lucky I haven’t taken my people and quit after hearing how she treats her employees. I won’t be accepting any work from her again after this.”
I was surprised by his vehemence, his protectiveness and the fact he was going to refuse working for her in the future just because of me. His anger on my behalf, which almost rivalled Shay’s, was strangely validating. Most of my life, I’d had to swallow abuse, suck it up and move on. Having those two men acknowledge what had happened and defend me had my throat wobbling with emotion.
I just about managed to hold it together as Rhys tossed Shay his car keys, which Shay caught easily. He still held my hand as he began leading me away from the party. We were almost at the exit when Mrs Reynolds suddenly appeared.
“Maggie,” she exclaimed, her eyes going from me to Shay. “Where are you going? There are empty glasses that need to be collected, and—”
Shay tucked me behind him, his shoulders tensing as he glared at Mrs Reynolds. The way he didn’t hesitate to get in her face had my stomach doing somersaults.
His glare clearly had her frazzled when she sputtered, “And you. Aren’t you part of Rhys Doyle’s security team? You should be working, too.”
Something hardened within me. Maybe it was the way she tried to dismiss Shay like he was nothing. She could talk down to me all she wanted, but not him. A burst of defiance shot through me, and I stepped around Shay’s tall, intimidating form before addressing her, “I won’t be going back to work tonight. In fact, you can consider this my resignation. I quit.”
She blinked, a blood vessel pumping in her neck. “You’re quitting over a silly little misunderstanding? Well, I hope you aren’t expecting a reference. And I’ll be letting all your other clients know—”
“That what?” I interrupted. “That I quit because you got physical with me? Okay, you go ahead and let them know all about that.”
She blinked, looking stunned, as I retook Shay’s hand and led him to where I’d stowed my things in the utility room. He helped me on with my coat before ushering me out and down the street to Rhys’ car.
I hadn’t known Shay could drive, so it was a surprise to see him slide into the driver’s seat after opening the passenger side for me and helping me in. He was treating me like I was made of porcelain, like I might shatter at any moment, and though I wasn’t quite that delicate, it was nice to be taken care of. I’d been through upsetting work situations in the past, but I’d never had anyone sweep me away from it all like that. The car felt like a cosy, snug cocoon away from the anxiety of dealing with Mrs Reynolds.
“I can’t believe you can drive,” I said, wondering why he took the bus to work. It could’ve been for convenience, not being stuck in traffic or having to find a parking space. Or perhaps it was because, like me, he couldn’t afford to run a car.
Shay started the engine, put the car in gear, checked his blind spot, and we were off. My body was still full of adrenaline after quitting. There was also an edge of panic as I contemplated what I’d done. There was no coming back from that. It was an impulsive decision, but I couldn’t regret it, not after how undermining and aggressive Mrs Reynolds had been.
I was leaning towards accepting Jonathan Oaks’ job offer, and now there could be no more indecision. Sure, I could just keep working for my other clients, but I had a feeling Mrs Reynolds was going to try and blacklist me. Well, maybe I could beat her to the punch and tell everyone about her grabbing me and how undermining and critical she always was. It felt petty, but I was in a petty sort of mood.
The drive to my flat was quiet. Shay kept glancing at me every once in a while to check how I was doing. I managed to muster a watery, half-hearted smile for him.
I hated coming across weak, like I needed to be wrapped up in cotton wool and taken care of. It wasn’t something I’d ever really experienced before, which was probably why I was so uncomfortable with it. All my life, I’d had only myself to rely on. If I had a bad day or something went wrong, there was nobody else to comfort me. There was no one to drive me home or glower at the person who did me wrong as Shay had that night.
Just thinking about how he’d pulled me into that bathroom and held me in his arms had my stomach erupting in butterflies. They batted their wings like crazy, making it difficult to breathe. I liked that he was there tonight, that for once in my life there was somebody in my corner.
We reached my street, and he managed to find a parking space close to my flat. He signed at me to stay put, which I was able to understand, then came around to my side and opened the door. Shay released my seatbelt and took my hand before walking me to my flat. He waited silently while I dug out my key, but my hand kept shaking as I tried to slot it into the lock. I blew out a frustrated breath before Shay’s large, warm fingers closed around mine, taking my key and deftly slotting it in for me.
“Thank you,” I whispered, a hitch in my voice.
Shay pushed open the door, then handed the key back to me gently.
When we got inside, I set my things down and just stood there for a moment. I was still a little in shock that after all those years I’d finally told Mrs Reynolds I quit. It didn’t seem real.
I wasn’t sure how long I’d been standing there when Shay took my hand and led me over to my bed. He helped me take off my coat and shoes, then motioned for me to sit down while he went to grab the pyjamas I’d left hanging over a chair.
He placed them in my hands, then turned around, allowing me the privacy to change. I was touched by how caring and patient he was being. He was taking care of me in a way I’d missed out on practically my whole life. I had some brief, fleeting memories of my mother, a handful of times when she’d been nice to me.
Like when I fell and scraped my knee, and she gave me a lollipop and let me watch cartoons for the day. Or when one of my teachers shouted at me because I hadn’t completed a homework assignment. I’d come home crying, and Mam had wiped away my tears, ran me a bath, then made me hot chocolate with marshmallows.
She wasn’t all bad. There was a trickle of love there, but that love was outweighed by the hundreds of times she’d made me feel like a costly burden she could scarcely afford. I hadn’t needed her to be the perfect parent. All I’d needed was her love, but she hadn’t loved me, not properly.
I didn’t even realise a tear had trickled down my cheek until I was finished changing and it had dripped onto my chin. I wiped it away with a sniff, then told Shay he could turn around. As soon as he did, he must’ve suspected I was upset because he strode forward and cupped my face in his hands. His eyes flicked back and forth between mine as though asking what was wrong. At that moment, I wanted to release all my worries and fears, tell him everything and let him carry some of the burden, but I couldn’t do that. It wasn’t in my nature to lean on another person because, whenever I’d tried to as a child, it backfired.
I’d been fiercely independent my entire life as a result, but right then, all I really wanted was for Shay to stay there with me, to hold me and give me more of the soothing calm his presence always managed to instil. But I didn’t ask him to stay. The request made me feel too vulnerable, and I’d already felt vulnerable enough tonight as it was.
Instead, I drew a shaky breath and told him, “It’s been a rough night. I should sleep.”
Shay continued searching my eyes before he finally nodded and released me. I climbed into bed, pulling the covers up over myself. I fully expected to hear the door snick shut as he left, but that didn’t happen.
He stayed.
Shay sat and smoothed my hair away from my face, his fingers gentle, and I closed my eyes. Emotion swelled thick and heavy in my throat when he slipped off his shoes, then lowered onto the bed behind me. He didn’t get under the covers; instead, he laid on top of the duvet and wrapped his arms around me from behind.
My heart didn’t know how to react. He’d been so careful and kind and protective of me that night, but holding me like that, just quietly being there, it was exactly what I needed but didn’t have the courage to ask for. And now, I was in serious danger of falling for him.
The thought had a different kind of adrenaline coursing through me, and it was difficult to relax. I was thirty-one years old, but I’d never been in love. It wasn’t simply that I hadn’t allowed myself to fall for someone. I’d had a handful of boyfriends, but none of them made me feel like Shay did. None of them made my heart flutter. My whole body became warm and alive and electric when he looked at me.
Eventually, I managed to close my eyes and slow my breathing, even while my heart continued to race.
We stayed like that for a while, but I was feeling too many emotions to sleep. Then my stomach rumbled loudly, reminding me of how hungry I was. I’d skipped dinner because I was so busy helping prepare for the party.
It was the second time my stomach had rumbled in front of Shay, and I was more than a little mortified. I turned my head and found him smiling fondly.
“I skipped dinner,” I explained sheepishly, then turned back around.
I felt his weight leave the bed and listened as he filled the kettle with water. Was he making me tea? God, how could I not fall for the man? Every little thing he did, every tiny gesture, stole another small piece of my heart.
A few minutes later, he returned with a cup of tea and a slice of buttered toast. The simple kindness almost had tears springing forth again, but I managed to hold them back. Shay set the mug and plate on my bedside table, and I sat up.
“Thanks,” I said quietly before taking a sip of tea. There was some sugar in it, which was exactly what I needed. A few moments of silence elapsed as I ate a bite of toast. The buttery carbs did a lot to soothe my frayed nerves. “I’m okay, though. You should get back to the party. Rhys might need you.”
Shay didn’t look like he wanted to leave, and honestly, I didn’t want him to either, but I also didn’t want him abandoning his work just because of me. Even if a part of me did wish Mrs Reynolds’ party ended up being a disaster. But that was my vindictive side taking over, and I didn’t like being vindictive.
Shay withdrew his phone and typed.
“Are you sure? I can stay if you don’t want to be alone right now.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to accept his offer to stay, but I knew that would be selfish. I didn’t want to be selfish with him. He’d already been so great taking care of me. It felt like too much to ask for any more than that.
“You don’t need to stay. I’m just going to sleep.” I also needed to have a good, long cry, and I didn’t want Shay there to witness it. He probably already thought I was an emotional wreck, prone to tears whenever anything went wrong.
He typed something else.
“Will you come for dinner tomorrow?”
Regretfully, I replied, “I can’t tomorrow. I promised Vivi I’d visit. Normally, I would’ve gone today, but I was working, helping Mrs Reynolds prepare for the party.”
“That’s okay. Maybe next week,” he typed, and I nodded.
“Definitely.”
With that, he cupped my cheek again, his eyes searching mine before he kissed me chastely. My heart clenched when he rose to leave, and I almost changed my mind and asked him to stay as he headed for the door. When he reached it, he turned around and motioned to the lock. I nodded, knowing he was telling me to lock the door after him. He left, but I didn’t hear his footsteps walking away until I scurried over, sliding the lock into place. Then the steady thump of his boots sounded on the hardwood, and my chest fluttered knowing he’d waited to ensure the door was locked.
Returning to bed, I finished my tea and toast, then switched off the lamp and burrowed under the covers.
When I dreamed that night, it was of Shay.
***
The next day, I’d just brought the kids back from a trip to the nearby park when Delia motioned me into the study. The room was lined with dusty bookshelves. Old newspapers and magazines Ken collected were stacked high on every available surface. In my line of work, I noticed dirt and dust more than the average person. I could tell approximately how long it had been since a house was last cleaned or if it was the sort of place that was rarely cleaned, which was the case with Ken’s study. Then again, some people enjoyed clutter. They found it cosy.
“I was hoping we could talk,” Delia said as she shut the door, and I began to worry. The only reason she’d close the door and speak in such a hushed tone was if there was something wrong with one of the kids.
But then she continued, “I had a call the other day from the Dóchas Centre,” and my stomach dropped. It wasn’t about one of the kids being sick. It was about something that might actually be worse. Much worse.
My mother.
The Dóchas Centre was the nearby women’s prison where she’d been residing for the last eight years. No one had heard from Mam in all those years, and I’d naively thought she’d decided to let us all get on with our lives and forget about her.
“It was Catherine,” Delia confirmed, and I instantly felt sick, panic and dread threatening to drown me. It was hard enough keeping her out of my head on the best of days. She always found some way to break through, especially when I looked at myself in the mirror and saw her staring back at me. Why did I have to look so much like her? Why couldn’t I have taken after my nameless father instead?
“W-what did she want?” I asked, finally finding my voice.
“Goodness, Maggie. You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Delia declared.
Yes, I might as well have.“What did she want?” I repeated.
Delia wrung her hands, her attention wandering to the dusty shelves then back to me. “She wants to see the children. She asked if I’d bring them to visit her for Christmas.”
“Oh. Right,” I said, trying to still my pounding heart. I should’ve known that was coming, should’ve known she’d eventually become curious about the kids and want to see how they were doing. It wasn’t my place to prevent her, no matter how much I might want to. I was protective over them, and I knew seeing Mam could destabilise the kids in a way that might disrupt the decent life they had. I wanted to shield them from that more than anything, but they weren’t my children, and I didn’t have the power to stop them seeing their mother. Besides, just because I had no desire to see her, that didn’t mean Vivi, Robbie, Shelly or Eamonn might not be interested. The thought of them wanting to see her made me feel ill, but I had to accept it was a possibility.
“I’ve never been inside a prison before,” Delia continued. “I told your mother as much on the phone, said I wouldn’t be comfortable going there. Ken isn’t prepared to go either.” A pause as she eyed me. “We were wondering if you’d do it.”
I blinked at her, hoping I’d misheard. “You want me to take them?”
“Well, she is your mother, too, after all. I’m sure you’ve been to see her over the years.”
“No,” I said. “I haven’t. I’d planned to hopefully never be in the same room as that woman ever again.”
“Well, I—”
“I’m sorry, Delia, but I won’t do it. I go out of my way to be there for the children, but this is asking too much.”
Panic and anxiety mingled within me, growing larger by the second. Suddenly, the dusty, cluttered study felt stifling. I needed to get out of there. Pushing open the door, I stumbled out into the hall and headed for the front door. I was almost at the garden gate when I heard someone come out after me.
“Maggie,” Vivi called. “Wait!”
I turned, finding her blue eyes bright and emotional. She knew. She knew Mam wanted to see her. “Did Delia talk to you about visiting Mam?” she asked, and there was so much vulnerability in her voice it almost broke me.
“Yes.”
“And are you going to take us? I told Delia I could bring the little ones, but there needs to be someone over eighteen to sign us in.”
“Do you want to see her?” I asked. Some part of me imagined Vivi would want to visit Mam about as much as I did, but maybe I was wrong. In fact, I knew I was when I saw the hopeful look in her eyes. She wasn’t like me, not yet. She still had some faith our mother could be redeemed.
I hated she was going to be gravely disappointed on that front, hated knowing one day the hope in my little sister’s eyes would die, leaving nothing but an empty space behind.
The absence of a parent’s love could never be filled with other things. It just sat there, forever vacant, no matter how much happiness you might find in other places. No matter how many new people might love you. You still yearned for the original love, the love that should’ve automatically been there but just wasn’t.
Vivi pulled at a loose thread on her cardigan. “I just thought, well, maybe it would be good to see her. It’s been such a long time, and I … I miss her.”
I swallowed thickly, pushing down all my feelings as I stepped forward and threw my arms around Vivi’s small shoulders. There were so many things I wanted to say to her. Like, Don’t you understand what she did? The lives she ruined and stole? Families destroyed? She can never love you, not like you want her to. Believe me, I’m a cautionary tale.
But I didn’t say any of that. Vivi had to come to the realisation on her own. If I tried to force it, I’d only succeed in pushing her away.
“I’ll take you, then,” I said even while everything inside of me screamed it was a bad idea. I’d been doing so well to maintain a balance in my life, and seeing Mam could disrupt that entirely. It might plunge me back into the horrible past I’d tried to forget. But I needed to be strong. For my little sisters and brothers, I would be.
Vivi’s face practically lit up. “You will?”
“I’d do anything for you,” I said and squeezed her tight. “Never forget that.”
When I left, I walked aimlessly. I didn’t even realise where I was going until I found myself on Shay’s doorstep. It was late evening, and I couldn’t see any lights on in the living room. His dad’s car wasn’t parked outside either, which meant they’d probably gone out somewhere.
I pressed the doorbell anyway and, to my surprise, heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Shay answered the door, his hair messy and his eyes a little bleary.
Had he been taking a nap?
He wore a sheepish expression, like he was sorry for looking dishevelled. Sometimes, I found it so attractive how unaware he was of his own handsomeness. And I felt desperate. Knowing I was going to see my mother had a lot of negative emotions bubbling up in me. Emotions I urgently needed a distraction from.
Acting on instinct, I stepped close to him and threw my arms around his neck.
“I need you,” I blurted, then planted my lips on his.
A sharp breath hitched in his throat. He obviously hadn’t been expecting me to kiss him, but I wasn’t lying. I did need him. I needed him more than ever.
“Is your dad home?” I asked, breathless, momentarily breaking the kiss. Shay shook his head and relief filled me as I pushed the door shut behind us. “Let’s go to your room.”
His eyes were full of questions, but I didn’t let him think about it too hard because I kissed him again. Suddenly, he was lifting me, his mouth never leaving mine as he carried me upstairs. Moments later, I was on his bed, and he was above me. I wrestled with the fly of his jeans before sliding my hand in and cupping his warm, thick length. He was rock hard, and a zing of electricity zipped through me to be able to affect him so.
“Make love to me, Shay,” I breathed.