10. Meadow
Meadow
E very time I open my eyes the memories flood me and I can’t. I just can’t stay there. I can’t relive them over and over again like a never-ending cycle. I just can’t.
One decision changed multiple lives.
Sometimes I wake up and all I see are funerals around me, another tombstone, another loss, another nightmare. Even when it’s someone from the community who wasn’t close or familiar it still pains me, especially when I think about their families and friends.
Chaos and Arrow help blur it when I’m around them but when I’m away nothing separates me from those memories or holds me through the night.
My alarm goes off and even Arrow grunts in annoyance when she hears it, wanting to snuggle a bit more so she licks my face off, giving me a morning shower.
I rub my eyes, “Gotta go, girls, we need to take you out.”
They both make disapproved sounds and continue to murmur as if they complain and I chuckle as always when they do that.
I swing my legs over the edge of the bed, running my fingers through my thick strands as I get up and walk toward the door, more like dragging myself there.
“Ouch!” I stumble over one of Chaos’s toys, losing my balance, and nearly eating the door handle for breakfast—it stares at me with a murderous look. “Are you trying to assassinate me, little girl?” with a sharp turn of my head, I gaze at her with a pointed look and she’s giving me her innocent expression—those big puppy eyes. I already have one assassin and she’s going out of her way to prove that.
I didn’t get much sleep between flying abroad to compete in another racing competition and flying back while thinking about Blakely the whole time.
Her lips are like two soft pillows I want to dive into again and again and when I think it’s enough, I need it like a drug one more time.
I needed to silence the memories that assaulted me three days ago so I kissed her and crossed the line that I promised myself I wouldn’t cross. She is Blakely Wilder and I don’t want her to suffer the weight of my world.
I gather my phone from the table and open the group chat.
Dylan
He does that thing with strawberries and chocolate and WOW.
Frankie
Theo, I want to try this.
Theo
I’m going to the store.
Luka
Experimenting with food is the sexiest thing.
Lennon
Dean loves to tie me up so…
Luka
Damn, fucker likes bondage, how shocking!
Dean
I also like to drown us when she’s not pregnant of course.
Theo
I do that too sometimes.
Frankie
It really makes my body relax.
Bradley
What is this dirty conversation and where do I sign?
Ronnie
Bradley and I like to pleasure Amber when she’s on her period.
Damn, the look on her face when we… you know.
Dylan
So fucking hot, I don’t understand why people think it’s weird.
Lennon
Agreed.
Amber
Double agreed.
Frankie
It’s so nice when you’re having cramps and someone else removes them without pills.
Sometimes it can be just a massage or over the clothes and it still feels so good .
Dylan
Yes!
Bradley
We also like DP.
Dean
What is DP?
Lennon
Oh, sweet child.
Dean
LENNON!
Lennon
I SURRENDER!
I laugh so hard when she sends another text with multiple water emojis.
Bradley
You know we’re a bunch of horny as fuck people.
Luka
That’s the best part .
Ronnie
Fuck yes!
Theo
My kind of people.
Lennon
Love you all!
Luka
Gotta go but good luck, Meadow.
Dylan
Kisses.
Good luck!
Frankie
Talk later.
Good luck!
Bradley
See you soon!
Amber
Good luck, Meadow!
Ronnie, Bradley, and I will be at your next competition.
Theo
Me and Frankie as well, we wanted to travel a bit this year.
Lenny sends a sad emoji.
Ronnie
Crush ’em, champ!
Dean
No doubt about it.
Theo
Buena Suerte!
Meadow
Thank you guys!
Talk to you soon.
They all came to Michael’s funeral even though they never met him. Dean told everyone how crushed I was to have lost my best friend and they all hopped on a plane and flew here.
Who does that? Leave everything; their job, duties, and responsibilities for someone they didn’t even know.
Family.
It is not about blood relatives but everyone who intends to become a part of our life and stays there, for better or worse .
That is why the pain cuts so deep.
For me, pain is the countless love we have toward people that we call family and they can come from anywhere on the map and become a scar around our heart and etched in ink on our skin.
Not everyone deserves our love, whether they are family or not. But there are people out there who deserve it. People who will stand beside us no matter what.
I throw on some clothes and head to the store since I promised to help Dad. With Chaos and Arrow on either side, I walk past Blakely’s room. The urge to knock on her door forces me to ball my hands into fists and resist it by stuffing them into my pockets.
This is for the best.
As long as she hates me she will keep her distance and all I need to do is keep our routine in check—I talk back at her, and she talks back at me.
I step inside the store. The dogs sit outside and bask under the morning rays of light. A few people already waiting in line at the counter for their coffee orders.
I quickly replace Dad and swipe a credit card in the card machine so he can go and make the orders.
They hired someone this summer but he is not here yet so they asked if I could step in when I’m free. I see it as some quality time with them and as long as I’m here, I will always help when they need me just like they have always been there for me. They are the reason I even have a career as a pro motorcycle racer .
Around noon, Mom steps inside the store, sighing loudly.
“Are you okay?” I cross my arms over my chest. “Do you need to rearrange the candies to feel better?”
“Haha,” she kisses me on the shoulder as she passes me and puts her stuff in the back. “I did it yesterday, Blakely can vouch for me she was here when I did it.”
Terrific.
“She had a great day, met a new friend, and went on a ride with some bikers.” She extracts the broom from behind the back door and starts sweeping the floor. “They seem nice.”
A new friend.
Bikers.
I make a snapping sound with my neck as I stretch my bones.
“Was she alone when you saw her?” I ask as I take out a case of Pepsi and refill the cooler, knowing she’s always drinking them.
“Yeah, it was evening, past nine maybe.”
She’s usually up early, entering inside the door to get her morning drink with her morning attitude but she hasn’t today. My laser gaze is fixated on the door, waiting to see her reflection in vain.
“You good here?” I throw the carton in the back along with all the recycling garbage Dad stacks before it is being collected. “I need to do something.”
“Sure honey, go.”
I take a Pepsi from the cooler, kiss Mom, and leave the cash in her hand. “Keep the change.” I peel the bandana away from my head and shove half of it into my pocket while the other half hangs out.
Through my shades, I recognize the group of guys Blakely rode with the first day she arrived here chatting in the gas station.
Narrowing my eyes, I grunt to myself.
Where are you, Wilder?