Chapter 1 – Otis
The butterflies in my stomach are still there even though Jasper is no longer here.
I watched him walk away and then get stopped by Lars.
I wanted to rush over and join the conversation.
But I decided against it. I get the feeling that Jasper is going through something, but I have no idea what, or if I’m even right. He wasn’t his normal self today.
“Congratulations!” Turning, I see David standing in front of me. “You had the press wrapped around your finger.”
“I was scared shitless. Jasper is right, they are vultures.”
“Yeah, the press can be at times. There are one or two good ones, but maybe don’t let Charmaine hear you call them vultures, or you will be having PR training with Jasper.”
“Believe me, I won’t.”
Considering I’m taking over David’s seat next year, I haven’t had many dealings with him. Just the odd conversation here and there, and I know that I’m looking forward to spending more time with him.
“Hey, thanks for defending me and Lars up there. That was so good to hear. We need more voices like that in this sport.”
“I wasn’t just defending you and Lars. I was doing it for everyone. No one has the right to tell someone who they can and cannot love.”
“Fuck, you really are an ally,” David says.
Ally. Is that what I am? Part of me isn’t so sure anymore. A part of me is wondering what it would be like to kiss a man. Well, kiss Jasper. Would his lips feel any different than a woman’s? Would I like it or hate it?
“Otis.” David’s voice brings me out of my thoughts.
“Sorry. I was miles away,” I reply, looking over to him.
“You okay?” David asks, and I see his brows knit together. What am I supposed to say – I have no idea. I think I have feelings for a man but I’m not sure. So, I’m suddenly analysing every aspect of my life.
“Yeah, I’m good. Everything is so real now. In what, two months? I’m going to be racing in F1 permanently. That’s kind of scary and fucking exciting, too.”
“Yeah, the start of the season is something special. Bahrain is a great track, too.”
There is no way that I can miss the longing in David’s voice as he talks and I want to kick myself. This is not the way to start a friendship.
“Shit, David,” I say. “I wasn’t thinking.”
“Otis, it’s fine, and will you please call me Dave, it’s what all my friends call me. I’m going to miss racing but I need to heal. Both physically and emotionally, so it’s time to find a new passion. A new adventure.”
“You mean other than your husband?” I smile over to him.
“Yeah.”
“Can I ask you something personal?” The words coming unaided. “And please tell me to fuck off if I’m overstepping.”
“Go on.”
“So, Richard had girlfriends, right? When the journalist asked what was different about you, he just said, he fell in love. So, is he bi?”
Dave bursts out laughing at my comment, which is a relief. I hoped that he didn’t think that I was overstepping myself.
“No, Rich isn’t bi. He’s gay,” Dave confirms, and a part of me is disappointed. I had been hoping to maybe ask how he knew he liked men and women, but it looks like I’m back to square one.
“Oh,” is the only reply I give him.
“Otis, what’s going on?” The worry is back on Dave’s face. “If there is something bothering you, you need to sort it out before you get behind the wheel. Distractions are dangerous.”
“Distractions?”
“You remember my crash last year? Not the fire ball one. The one where I wrote off the front of the car.”
“Yeah,” I say with a nod of my head. I remember watching the crash and thinking that it wasn’t like Dave to crash a car. If I remembered correctly, he locked up and went straight into the barriers.
“Well, let’s just say, Richard got me distracted and not in a good way. I lost my concentration. Vincent was pissed.” But I see the small smile that appears on Dave’s face, “that might have been a perk.”
“How can pissing off the boss be a perk?” I ask, trying to ignore the first part of his admission.
“I know that Vincent wasn’t as involved in F2 as he is in F1. So you will see. He’s a good guy but a complete workaholic. Breaking that veneer is fun,” Dave says with a smirk before adding, “Oh, and I know bullshit stalling, are you feeling okay?”
“To be honest, I’m not sure what I’m feeling at the moment,” I say truthfully.
“So, I’m going to tell you what Lars said to me, in a roundabout way. Out on the race track you are a racing driver. That’s it. When you sit in that car, turn everything else off. It’s just you, the car, and the track. Fuck everything and everyone else.”
“That’s some good advice.”
“But also, don’t let a girl mess with you.”
“A girl?”
“Yeah. I presume that what you’re dealing with is linked to a new girl or is it the ex-girlfriend?” Dave asks.
Fuck it. Dave is right. I’m going to need to sort out these feelings, and the only way I’m going to be able to do that is by talking. I just need to make sure I don’t mention who my feelings are directed towards.
“That’s the issue. It’s not a girl, and I’m confused as fuck.”
Dave just stares at me for a moment and I’m starting to wonder if he has actually heard me. Should I repeat my words? Dave is never normally quiet for this long. Shit, did I just break Dave? I glance around the room quickly, wondering if I can spot Richard to come help me.
“Sorry. Can you say that again?” Dave suddenly states.
“It’s not a girl.”
“But you’re straight,” comes Dave’s response.
“Hence my confusion. I have no idea if what I’m feeling is genuine or just admiration.”
“Have you ever been attracted to men before?” Dave asks.
“No.”
“Fuck,” comes Dave’s response.
“Dave, that is not helpful,” I tell him with a smile.
“Right, you’re coming to Vincent’s with me and the others. I think we need a drink after that. Come on.”
“Any idea what I should do?” I ask as we walk out of the hotel conference room.
“Nope,” Dave replies, turning to give me a smile.
“Dave, I don’t mean to be a shit, but again that's not helpful,” I say, which Dave just chuckles at.
“Hey Lars,” Dave shouts over.
I turn to Dave, who gives me a wink, and I get a feeling that Lars is just about to be told about my dilemma, and I want to run away. Far far away from this conversation.
“Hey you two. Are you coming to Vincent’s?”
“Yep, but I think we need your help too. Are you and Vincent travelling back together?” Dave asks him.
“Nope. I think he and Richard are talking and then coming back together.”
“Thank fuck for that,” Dave states, and I look between Lars and Dave.
“Did something happen to Richard?”
Over the last few months, I have spent a lot of time with Richard. He has taught me so much. I don’t think that I would be taking over Dave’s seat without him.
“Look, none of the rest of the team knows, so keep this to yourself,” Dave answers in a hushed tone, “Rich was quitting.”
“What!” My voice going higher than I intended.
“I don’t think he is now. Our announcement changed all that. But Vincent and Richard have some shit to sort.”
“Richard can’t leave,” I state again, feeling slightly panicked.
“Otis, it’s not Richard that... you know? Coz we’re married,” Dave asks, and that is a fair question considering my reaction to the thought of Richard leaving.
“What? God no!” I state, maybe a little too vehemently, which causes Dave to laugh.
“Care to explain what is going on? Lars asks, his face a mask of confusion.
“Let’s talk in the car. Do you mind if we come with you, Lars?” Dave asks.
“Hell no. I need to know what this conversation is about. You know how much I love gossip,” Lars answers.
“Not to mention secrets.”
“Oh, this conversation is getting better and better,” Lars states, the smile on his face growing.
All three of us make our way to the car park of the hotel and over to Lars’s car. I can’t help but smile when I see that he still has the same sky-blue Mercedes that he had when he was in F2.
“You didn’t get rid of the car?” I say over to him.
“It’s the one thing that Vincent and I always argue over. He wants me to get rid of it. Get one that matches everyone else, but I won’t. The press would find me anyway. I’m sure it would take them all of ten seconds to get the reg. So, I thought, what the hell?”
“But it's sky-blue.”
“I’m glad to see that you aren’t colour blind,” Lars replies as he unlocks the car. “I love this car. I remember thinking that I had finally made it when I got it. Now I use it to keep me grounded. Life can change in an instant.”
“That it can,” I confirm. I’m not sure if there was a hint of something in my voice but both Lars and Dave look over to me. “Lost my dad a few years ago,” I tell them honestly. “Car accident.”
“Shit, Otis. I’m sorry,” Dave starts. “I didn’t know.”
We all get in the car. Dave has automatically gone to the front seat, which just shows how close these two guys are, and so I climb into the back seat and fasten my seat belt. Lars starts the car and pulls out of the parking spot.
“No reporters,” I suddenly say as I look around. Considering what was going on in the hotel, I would’ve thought there would be some hanging around.
“Yeah. Vincent made sure that those invited didn’t stay. Warned them that if any stayed behind to try and get more stories he would sue or deny them any future stories. Considering what has happened with Montague Racing over the last two years, they don’t want to miss anything.”
“Five gay members on a team is something else,” I say, “considering before you there was none. But it’s good. The sport needed to come into the twenty-first century.”
“And that statement has nothing to do with what you are feeling now?” Dave asks.
“What’s this?” Lars asks, while never taking his eyes off the road.
“Our little newbie here has a crush,” Dave starts, and I can hear the excitement in his voice. “On a man.”
“But you’re straight,” Lars replies.
“I wish everyone would stop saying that. I am fully aware of my sexual orientation.”
“By the sounds of it you aren’t,” Dave replies.