15. Stasi
fifteen
Stasi
H aving Liam close is a hazard to my health. My poor heart drums a frantic beat in my chest as he steps all that lethal inked muscle into the shower with me.
I’m a chronic over-thinker, but I’m doing my best to ignore the tendrils of worry seeking to worm through my brain. I refuse to rebuild a wall between us while he’s actively working to break it down.
If he can be brave, so can I.
Liam drapes his strong arms around me, easing my back against his chest as steam curls around us. I rest my head on his pec and close my eyes.
His words from earlier echo in my head. If I had a heart, you would be holding it in your hands.
That right there is the root of the problem, isn’t it? That stupid lie he was forced to believe when he was a kid. That he’s somehow broken or worthless.
Even if he decides he’s not cut out for relationships, he’s a permanent scar I’ll carry around on my heart forever.
Liam turns me in his arms and nudges my chin up with a knuckle. “Your mind is loud.”
I stare into his eyes. With only one light on over the vanity and his pupils blown wide, they’re almost hauntingly black.
“How would you know?” I ask quietly.
“I’ve learned to read you.”
My gut churns at the idea of my thoughts and emotions laid bare to this man. But I think Liam needs the control. I think he’s been afraid of feeling too much his entire life.
Do I credit Beau for his recent shift in behavior? Or has he been working up to this for a while? Beau mentioned Liam had changed. Can we have faith that this is a permanent thing?
Submerging myself under the spray of water, I’m surprised smoke doesn’t come out of my ears with the rate my brain is spinning.
Liam waits for me to step out of the water with soapy hands. Delicately, he slicks up my wet skin. I don’t know how he could ever believe he would truly hurt anyone. So he fought back in self-defense against his dad. The man abused him. And Gavin was a notorious bully.
After Liam guides me back under the water, I return the favor and lather him in soap. He watches me silently as I wash every hard ridge of his body.
God, no one should be allowed to look like him. He’s a curse designed to leave us mortals in ruin. The death he brings isn’t swift. It’s a slow onset of pain starting in the heart. Eventually, it consumes you.
As if he can sense my inner turmoil, Liam emerges from the spray of water and flattens me against the tile wall. He brings his mouth to mine, kissing me until I’m no longer stuck on thoughts of him crushing hearts or vanishing like smoke.
Then he shuts off the water and gently towels me off, brushing light kisses all over my skin. He leaves me momentarily to grab a t-shirt and shorts from my closet, helping me slip into them.
Embarrassingly enough, my stomach growls with a vengeance.
Liam gives a low laugh. “You got anything to cook? ”
“I might be horrible about grocery shopping. I do have some leftovers, though.”
We heat up the massive quesadillas I ordered for lunch and didn’t finish, accompanied by chips and salsa.
There’s something intimate about eating with another person at home. The pauses between conversation leave space for lingering stares and overwhelming emotions. Desire and happiness, tinged with a bit of fear that I may not get to have moments like these with him again.
“You know, cardboard boxes are not decorations.” Liam nods at the tower of boxes stacked precariously in the corner of my small living room. I meant to tuck those in a closet. I’m afraid if I fully unpack I’ll never make it out of here.
“I’m not gonna take advice from a man whose house is practically vacant.” I scoop salsa onto a tortilla chip and pop it into my mouth.
How easily I can transform from bedroom Stasi that wants Liam to use her as he sees fit, to old t-shirt wearing Stasi crunching on a mouthful of food.
Liam cocks a brow at me. “Don’t make me spank you.”
Heat rushes to my cheeks, the possibilities already flooding my brain. Liam sprawling me over his muscled thighs. Liam tying me up naked in his bed. Liam covering my ass with those big hands and spreading me open.
I scoop an even bigger pile of salsa onto my next chip. “So, what other kinky stuff are you into?”
He nearly spits out his drink on a cough. “The fuck has gotten into you?”
A sly grin eases onto my face. “You. ”
His deep laugh has my spirit taking flight. He’s experienced so much in his life, touring the world and bedding whomever he desires. It’s nice to catch him by surprise.
“Beau, too,” I add, unable to forget the beautiful musician who snuggled me on Liam’s couch the other day.
Once Liam regains his composure, he leans over to kiss my cheek. “He’s corrupting you.”
As if summoned, my phone buzzes with a new message from an unknown number.
“I sent him your contact info,” Liam says nonchalantly, tossing a chip into his mouth.
My heart swoops as I open the message. A laugh breezes out of me. “Oh my god, look at him.”
I angle my phone to show off the selfie. Beau’s shirtless in bed, an arm curled under his head. His eyelids are hooded with sleep, but his dimples are tireless.
Miss you, sweetheart.
It’s a strange feeling to share a picture of a man I’m crushing on with the man that just ravished me in bed.
Liam snorts and says, “Shameless flirt.”
As I roll my eyes, he catches my chin in a hand and gently turns me toward him. The sudden click of my phone camera when he kisses me has me lurching back. I swipe at my stolen phone, but Liam’s already sent the picture to Beau with a message.
She’s busy.
Despite my nerves over whatever we're doing, I can’t help my smile. “You are such a tease. ”
He chuckles. Then he gathers up our trash while I try to wrap my head around seeing two men at the same time.
I can’t completely erase the feeling that I’m doing something wrong.
As much as I want to be brave and say fuck it to anyone who cares to judge, I’m still working on developing my backbone.
Words have done nothing but cut me down since I first understood them.
It’s hard to shake that, even as an adult.
I know my parents wouldn’t understand this. And while they’re not on my good list right now with the way they’re treating my twin, it’s hard to say I’m ready to completely sever ties.
Then there’s the matter of Hail. Would he be okay with me sleeping with his best friend? Or would he try to warn me away from Liam?
Sunlight peeks through the back windows, and I groan. I’m gonna need a large coffee to survive the workday on such little sleep.
Liam hangs out until I’m ready to walk out the door. Surprisingly, he hauls me against him and kisses me one more time. “Come by the studio tomorrow?”
“I have to teach a yoga class in the morning.”
“Sounds like you’ve got all afternoon to spend with me.”
And now I’m smiling again. My phone buzzes in my back pocket, breaking the tender moment. Liam rumbles with a low laugh. “He’s good for you, Stas.”
Fisting his shirt in my hand, I use it to pull myself up and peck a kiss to his stubbled cheek. “You are, too. Even if you don’t believe it.”