30. Liam #2
He’s been so tired. He’s been sick for months .
“I didn’t mean for this to happen.” His shaky words hit me square in the chest, robbing me of air and snuffing out my rage.
Suddenly, I feel empty. Achy on the inside .
Beau leans in to brush his lips to my cheek. And then he walks out my front door without another word spoken.
Gone from my life just like I vanished from his years ago.
In my nightmare, I’m standing in my spare bedroom in the dark, my gaze locked on the lump under the blankets on the bed.
I approach Beau with heavy steps. He looks so peaceful sleeping, his overgrown hair a poof of frizz and his lips parted just enough that they would perfectly fit my own.
The words I spoke to him the other night play on repeat in my head.
I want you to run, Beau.
Ripping off the blankets, I grab his ankle and drag him off the bed. His body hits the floor with a solid thump. He groans as he comes to, and then he tries kicking out at me in wild abandon.
I stare down at him struggling. Nothing stirs in my chest.
Beau claws at the floorboards as I drag him into my bathroom, indifferent to his cries.
Crying doesn’t do shit. You should know that by now.
Our surroundings warp into a more familiar scene. Vintage tile. Green walls. A porcelain tub with a stubborn ring of dirt I was never able to scrub away. How much pain did that earn me?
Enough to create this monster inside of me. This vicious anger I can’t seem to shake. Even in death, my dad still has a crushing hold on me.
Curling a hand around Beau’s neck, I haul him over the edge of the tub. His deep blue eyes plead for mercy.
Did I look this pathetic when my dad punished me?
I shove Beau’s head under the hot water and watch him squirm, knowing what kind of terrified thoughts are running through his head .
Nails hook into my forearm and scrape along my flesh. I startle awake in a cold sweat, the dog whimpering with his paw on my arm.
Somehow, I ended up laid out on the couch in the living room, darkness engulfing me.
Lurching upright, I sprint up the stairs, my heart beating too fast. No sign of life in the spare bedroom. No Beau here to hurt.
But it’s not enough to reassure myself.
I rush into my bathroom, only sucking in a full breath when I don’t find a body.
Slumping down against the cabinets, I cover my face with my hands.
I used to sleepwalk when I was a kid. I’d wake up under my bed or in my closet. Sometimes outside in the backyard. Those moments when I realized what happened—realized I had no control over my body—were almost worse than anything my dad could ever do to me.
Pulling tricks from therapy to calm my racing heart rate, I practice box breathing and focus on my surroundings. The cold tile beneath my feet. The faint smell of lemon cleaning solution. The quiet blanketing me.
A small, fluffy black shadow appears in the doorway. I’ve heard Stas murmuring the name Cosmo when she’s loving on him.
“Come here, Cosmo."
He hurries over and lays down next to me, resting his head on my thigh. I run my fingers through his silky fur. I pet him for a while, but it’s not enough to calm my ragged nerves.
Rising up, I snatch Beau’s forgotten pack of cigarettes from the spare bedroom.
As I head to the patio, it’s impossible not to see Stasi and Beau everywhere I look.
Lounging in the music room. Pressed against the hall as we succumbed to lust the night of the party.
Sitting at the kitchen island eating dinner.
Dancing and laughing in the rain outside .
It’s only been hours since I’ve seen both of them, and I already miss them. I want their warm bodies next to me in bed. Want their smiles in the morning and kisses when we get home from work.
No lights shine from the interior of my house as I drop into a patio chair, a cigarette propped on my bottom lip. I’ve always been more comfortable in the dark. Easier to hide that way.
I’ve moved through life the same way. Silently. My only call to attention the sound I create with an instrument and the pleasure I summon from my partners in the bedroom.
Lifting up on one ass cheek, I tug the lighter from my pocket and singe the end of a cigarette while breathing in. I suck the smoke deep into my lungs, hopeful it’ll shave a couple more years off my meaningless existence.
Which is fucked . I haven’t had a thought like that in years.
I check my phone. No returned calls from Beau. My gut twists.
One missed call from Stasi.
Does she know Beau’s gone? Does she even want to talk to me? She’d rushed to her car so fast after we’d arrived home from the hospital. She’d rushed out of the studio earlier, too.
Then again, I made no move to comfort her.
Can I be any more unreliable? Almost two decades of therapy, and I still don’t have my shit together.
I hit the call button. Stasi answers on the first ring. “Liam?”
“Yeah," I push out. "It’s me, angel."
“Are you okay?”
Pinching the bridge of my nose, I debate how much to tell her. Even with how close I am to Hail, I’ve kept him mostly in the dark about my life outside of music. I didn’t want to bring him into my fucked up world .
Over the years, I never shook that need to shelter others. No matter how torn up I was feeling on the inside, I’d convinced myself that was always a me problem.
“No, I’m really not. Beau’s gone.”
She’s silent long enough to have my blood pressure rising. “I know.”
“He talked to you?”
“If you call a goodbye text at lunch talking to me, then yeah.”
My chest constricts. Is that why she dipped out at the studio earlier? Was she upset? Why wasn’t I there to take care of her?
“Liam. Can I come over?”
Dropping my head between my legs, I rub at my brows. “I’d rather you get some sleep.”
“And I’d rather take care of you,” she replies firmly.
Fuck . I think I love her.
“Alright. Stay on the phone with me while you drive over.”
Keys jingle, and a door shuts. I listen to her breathing as her footsteps scuff over pavement. I’m half-tempted to tell her to stay put. I should go to her. My car’s faster. She could be in my arms in no time.
We don’t talk while she drives, but our silence has never been awkward. If anything, she’s one of the few people I can let go with. No need to be professional.
No need to be unfailingly strong.
“Three minutes away,” she says.
I fetch the keys to the Porsche and move it. “Pull into the garage when you get here.”
Should I sell the Porsche to free up a permanent spot for her? Beau liked driving it, though…
The moment she parks, I unbuckle her from the seat and pull her against me. I lean our bodies against the side of her car and hide my face in her neck. “I’m sorry I left you alone. I told you I wouldn’t do that shit.”
Her fingers stroke along my nape. “It’s okay.”
Brushing my mouth over her skin, I focus on the connection of our bodies to help keep me grounded. “Tell me I’m not fucking this up. Tell me I’m not going to lose you, too.”
“Oh, Liam.” She guides me back a few inches with firm palms on my chest so she can look at me fully. “How about I tell you how worthy you are of our love? How I’ve never met a more caring soul?”
I lean into her hand as she brings it to my cheek. “You always prioritize others. You’ve done it with me and Hail. You’ve done it with Atonement. You took care of the entire backline crew when you were on tours, Liam. And don’t you try to say you didn’t because Hail and I talked.”
Her sass would have me smirking if the situation weren’t so shitty.
“That was work, Stasi. I was being professional.”
She narrows her eyes. “Call up any of them and see if they wouldn’t be willing to drop everything to help you. If someone thought your phone call was a burden, then they don’t deserve you.”
My eyes fall shut. “I appreciate your pep talk, but it doesn’t change the fact that the only man I want to answer right now won’t take my calls.”
“ Fuck calling him. We’re going to hop on a plane to Phoenix and knock on every door until we find him, because that’s what you do when you’re in love.”
I’m stunned by the fire burning in her eyes. There’s no denying she’s resilient. A quiet force not to be discredited. It’s something I’ve envied in her ever since she held out her hand to me through her bedroom window the night I met her.
She’d told me she wouldn’t let me fall.
Only I did fall .
I fell in love with a remarkably strong woman.
Sealing our bodies together, I kiss her. It’s nothing more than the slow melding of our lips, steady and sweet like her, but it ignites a fire in me.
Drawing back, I brush my thumbs along her cheeks. “I think I can get his address. Let me make some phone calls.”
I can’t say it won’t take me time to believe I’m truly worthy of either of them, but I’m going to do my best moving forward to make sure they know exactly how I feel about them.