Chapter 5
Julian
Once he conceived of the idea of leaving the guild, Julian couldn’t stop thinking about it. He went through the motions for weeks following that evening with Nicolas and Daniel, debating with himself every waking moment.
While he sat outside the skating rink, he thought about what else he’d rather be doing.
Anything would be better than this. For their part, the Sentinels didn’t seem to mind having him there.
He was surprised they continued to patrol while knowing they were being watched.
Hell, Isaac usually waved at him. Julian didn’t know if they behaved that way for the others, but they at least didn’t mind him being there.
It didn’t stop him from feeling ashamed of his cowardly obedience, though.
If he were a stronger man, wouldn’t he take a stand and refuse to do this?
When he was in the training yard with his squad, he considered what it would be like to work somewhere else.
He’d never wanted to be anything other than a paladin, but was that just because he’d never been given an option?
What else might he have done with his life if he hadn’t been adopted into the guild?
He liked to cook. Maybe he could have been a chef in another life. Or run a bakery or sandwich shop.
When he laid his head down at night, he was overcome with grief for the way things used to be. He was happy once, but he didn’t think that short time of his life would ever return.
Most of all, he missed being proud of his work. There was no pride in spying on the traitors. There was no courage in keeping his head down to avoid the hammer.
His dreams were filled with much of the same.
Sometimes, he worked with the Sentinels.
Sometimes he ran a bakery or a bookstore.
Valac, the strangely alluring behemoth, featured in a lot of them.
His glowing, violet eyes appeared randomly in Julian’s dreams, always filling him with a sense of comfort and safety.
He didn’t understand it, but he assumed it was his subconsciousness reminding him that demons weren’t as bad as he’d been taught.
If the Sentinels, men he would have trusted with his life during their days at the guild, could love demons, then they couldn’t be evil.
Two weeks after steaks and beer with Nicolas and Daniel, he caught up with them after a training day, just as he’d done last time, but this time he said, “Nicolas, can I have a word? Officially? Paladin to Captain?”
Nicolas slowed to a stop, glancing at his brother. “Of course. Danny, here, take the keys. I’ll catch up.”
“Sure thing,” Daniel said, offering Julian a quick wave as he turned away to leave them.
“What’s up?” Nicolas asked.
Julian glanced around. Paladin captains once had plenty of offices and conference rooms to work from, but the administrative building was still being rebuilt after the devastating attack on HQ. So he’d have to give his official notice here under the early spring sunshine.
“I want to quit. I’m leaving the guild. Consider this my official notice. I’ll turn in my blades and my ring and go live a civilian life.”
Nicolas’s face slackened with shock. “What?” he breathed. “You can’t be serious.”
Julian’s stomach turned, but he forged on.
“I am. Look, I’ll swear to you and Commander Sloan and the whole guild if I have to that I have no intention of associating with any of the traitors.
I just… I’m tired, Nic. Spying on the traitors for weeks, looking for a reason to attack them, it’s not what I want to do with my life.
I don’t feel like I’m serving God. It just feels like I’m serving them.
” He jabbed a hand at the half-standing administrative building.
“I’d rather not be here at all. I don’t want to see that thing,” he gestured at the wooden pillar where the dissenters had been tied up and whipped, “every time I step onto the grounds here. This isn’t what we were meant for, and I want no more part of it. ”
Nicolas’s face twisted with distress. “They won’t let you just walk away, Jules,” he whispered, his eyes scanning the area to make sure no one was near enough to hear. “You know that.”
“I know. I’ll deal with it. They’re going after the traitors because they’re with demons, right?
Well, I’m not with any demon. I’m not allying myself with them.
I just want to start over, find something for myself.
They can’t reasonably deny that without proving they’re as awful as Daniel and the others feared. ”
Nicolas looked like he wanted to argue more. “Are you sure about this? You’re a good man, Julian. This place needs people like you now more than ever. And… I’ll miss you. I know Danny will, too. Is there no way we can convince you to stay?”
Julian smiled serenely. “No. I’ve been thinking about this for weeks. It’s time I stop fighting for a cause I no longer believe in. I want to set out on my own, see what I can make of myself. And you guys can come and visit whenever you want. You’ll probably be the only ones who do.”
With a gusty sigh of defeat, Nicolas nodded, passing a hand over his face.
“All right. I’ll let Commander Sloan know of your intentions.
He’ll most likely want to see you in the morning.
Be prepared. The last thing he wants is more people leaving, so he won’t be willing to let you walk away without a fight. ”
“I understand. I can handle it. I’ll jump through whatever hoops are needed.”
Nicolas pursed his lips on a rueful smile. “I’ll really miss working with you, Julian. It’s been an honor to have you in my squad and to call you a friend.”
Julian shrugged one shoulder. “We’ll still be friends. You just won’t have to listen to me complain on the long training runs anymore.”
Nicolas’s rueful expression didn’t change. “I can think of worse things.” He clapped Julian on the arm. “I’ll go and speak with Commander Sloan and text you the details later.”
They said their goodbyes, and Julian left. He drove home in a daze, the disbelief that he’d actually given his notice lingering right up until his feet carried him out to the back deck. Staring at his quaint backyard with its shade trees and hammock, it finally hit him.
Soon, he’d finally be free. The weight that had been dragging him down was gone at last. It felt like a boot had been lifted from his chest. He could breathe. That, more than anything, let him know he was doing the right thing. Nothing about leaving the guild felt wrong.
He smiled to himself, sitting at the picnic table.
He removed the signet ring from his left hand and set it on the tabletop, peering at the tan line on his finger.
Normal people wore wedding bands on that finger.
Would that be in the cards for him now that he would be on his own?
He’d been so focused on his duty as a paladin that he’d never given much thought to dating.
Some of the older paladins did, but he was only twenty-three.
All his life, he’d trained for the greater good.
It seemed strange to know that time in his life would soon draw to a close.
His phone chimed with an incoming message.
Nic
Sloan wants a meeting in the morning. 7 sharp.
I’ll be there.
The domineering commander wouldn’t make him change his mind. They could chain him to that post and whip him, if they wanted. It didn’t matter. They would only strengthen his resolve. Soon enough he’d be a free man.
His night was a peaceful one. He assembled a sandwich and spent the evening browsing job listings on the internet, grinning at the novelty of it.
When he left the guild, he’d have no marketable skills, so his options would be limited—at least until he got some kind of experience under his belt.
There were quite a few options, from construction to the service industry. Surely he could wait tables.
He went to sleep with a smile on his face. The future was full of possibilities.
Sloan’s ice cold gaze had barbs, gouging into Julian’s skin.
They hadn’t met in Sloan’s office, as he expected, but in an empty conference room in the safe, back half of the administrative building.
Sloan was on one side of the table—the side nearest to the door—with Julian on the other.
His ring and his blades laid like a barrier between them.
“What brought you to this conclusion, Paladin Heroux?” Sloan asked.
“You’re young and healthy. You have a good track record here.
In fact, your record is downright spotless.
You always attend the sermons, you’ve been an active participant in your squad.
Prior to your graduation, you made good grades and kept your nose clean.
I even recall your impassioned speech about serving God during your graduation trials.
Being a paladin was all you’d ever wanted, you said. What made you decide differently?”
Julian considered his words carefully. Too much honesty and Sloan would retaliate. Not enough and Sloan would think he could sway him.
“Truthfully, sir, I’ve lost my taste for the fight. I want to see what else is out there. I’d like to find something that doesn’t require back-breaking violence.”
“If we don’t do this, who will?” Sloan asked hotly. “Who out there can protect the world, if not us?”
“I don’t know, sir, but I don’t think it’s my responsibility to find that answer. It’s a worthy cause, for sure. I just know that I don’t want to sacrifice my entire life for it. Not anymore.”
Sloan shook his head in disappointment. “Father Hawley would be ashamed.”
Julian’s lips parted in shock, but he quickly ducked his head to hide the extent of it. He didn’t know what had happened between Isaac Morrow and Father Hawley, but the fact that Sloan would use Hawley’s memory as a weapon surprised him more than it probably should.
“I just want to live my life on my own terms, sir.”