Chapter 8 #2
She hadn’t. Rome was the baby.
Until Malaya.
“I’ve been reconsidering my life long dream of being a mother, too,” Rome confessed.
All eyes shifted in her direction. This was news to us all. And, my heart broke a little inside as she revealed more.
“Aside from the fact that I want to enjoy Saint for as long as I can without complicating our lives, let’s be honest, girls. It’s pretty hard to live the life you imagine when children are involved. Then, your life becomes about them.
“What they need. What they want. What they have going on. What they like. What they hate. What makes them explode. What calms them down. I just– I don’t think I’m ready for that.
And, I don’t know if I will be any time soon.
I like my life. I like being able to get up when I’m ready, move as I’m pleased, eat where I want, dance for hours on end, and travel frequently with Saint for his career.
“I’m not toting around a car seat or stroller or baby carrier strapped to my body.
I’m free. You know. And, something tells me it was meant to be this way.
For a long time, at least. That’s why I didn’t carry my child to term.
I wasn’t ready. My body wasn’t ready. My heart wasn’t ready. My world wasn’t ready.
“I have yet to meet a well-rested mother and that says a lot about motherhood. They’re all tired.
You can see it on their pretty faces. Yes, it’s beautiful, but it is life-altering.
Not always in a good way. There are far more cons to raising a child than there are pros.
Once those are weighed, you wonder if it’s truly worth it, ya know? Women literally die giving birth.
“And, the ones who don’t almost die at birth, nearly die a hundred times before they actually take their final breath.
Exhaustion and stress becomes the normal then.
I never want that to be my norm. And, God forbid your child grows up to either resent you for the life you gave them or take it for granted.
“I can’t stomach that. Not right now. I’m still an adult teenager right now,” she sniggered. “My womanhood doesn’t feel quite real yet.”
“All very valid points,” Yara agreed.
“Awwwwww. My baby is growing up,” Rather groaned.
“You know– if it happens, it happens. But, I’ll never try for it. Quite frankly, I’ll try to avoid it.”
“Understood, girl. They stretch your pussy out and shit, anyway. Can’t fuck for weeks.
Leaky titties. Bloody pussy. Ugh. A damn menace from the moment they come into the world.
See, I’d have to drop them off somewhere and come get them when they’re about twelve.
Around that age, I can rock with them then.
That youthful stage is for someone other than me.
I can’t fit a carseat in the coupe, you know? ”
“Roulette, we were never worried about you having children.”
“You weren’t worried about Rugger either, but look at her now. Swollen belly, swollen feet. Just looking a mess.”
“She doesn’t,” I defended.
“Close enough.”
“The way this man has your lips touching your ears, I assume we should worry about you!”
I shook my head.
“He’s in prison,” I reminded Roulette.
“So,” Rather chimed in.
“We all know his current situation doesn’t define him or whatever it is he’s seeking for you two,” Roaman added.
I inhaled with a shake of my head.
“I’m not ducking any smoke.”
Laughter erupted.
“I’ve lived a very full life. I’ll be happy if I die as a childless woman. I’ll be happy if I die with a daughter. I’ll be happy if I die with a bunny who I show lots of love and attention whenever I’m home long enough to do so. To live is my only requirement. And, to live happily.”
“Alright now, Mya Ange–”
“Roulette–” Royce interrupted.
“I’m saying,” Rou yawned, “She’s getting poetic and shit.”
“On that note, I’m going to bed, ladies,” I announced.
“So am I.”
“Me, too.”
One after the other, we all stood on our feet and gathered our bearings. I was the first out of the common quarters and headed into the master suite. There were five additional bedrooms, all fit for the women occupying them.
I pushed the door of the suite open, revealing the dimly lit room. It was spacious. It was inviting. It reminded me of him.
He’s been here before.
I ran my right hand along the tidy linen on the bed.
He’s slept here before.
With the glass of red wine in my left hand, I continued through the room, stopping at the large window on the opposite side.
He’s stood here before. Looked out of this window with the weight of his problems resting on his shoulders.
I could feel his presence. I could feel his energy. I could feel his troubles. I could feel his urgency to be unshackled and released.
To his family.
To his niece.
To me.
Suddenly, I yearned for his company. His voice. His scent. His hands. His eyes.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine.
I gazed at the screen of my cell for the eighth time tonight. He’d been clear, warning me not to wait up for him. And, I hadn’t. But, I’d fully expected his call to come once I was settled on the yacht. It hadn’t.
A sigh parted my lips as I began to pace the floor.
Overstimulated.
Overdue.
10:08p
My buttery soft slippers patted against the wood. The nine o’clock hour had come and it had gone without as much as a message from Josiah.
“Knock, knock.”
Roaman appeared on the opposite side of the door, peeking her head inside of the room.
“Yes?”
“I’m here to make sure you’re alright. I hear you pacing.”
I nodded with a smile. Her thoughtfulness had been inherited by Rome. If it wasn’t her at the door, it would’ve been Rome. There was no question about it. The two were angels on earth. Most times I believed we didn’t deserve them.
“I’ll be fine.”
“Okay. I’m available to talk if you aren’t.”
“I love you, babes.”
“In every lifetime.”
“Come find me.”
“I promise.”
The door closed. Roaman disappeared for the night. To put her worries to rest, I sat my wine glass on the table beside the bed and climbed onto the king-sized mattress.
I stared at my phone’s screen. After six seconds, I flipped it on its side to be sure it wasn’t silenced. It wasn’t.
Frustration guided my fingers. I searched the contact list for the number he’d contacted me from. It wasn’t hard to find. As well, I remembered most of the numbers by heart.
Instead of initiating a call, I opened the text box. Words failed me. Though my head was full of sentences, nothing would appear. I was drawing blanks.
Space.
Send.
With my thumb nail between my teeth, I waited for the gray bubbles to appear.
One.
My lungs deflated.
Two.
My chest rose.
Three.
I pulled both lips into my mouth and then pushed them out forcefully.
Four.
My cell chimed in my hand. It had been years since I’d heard a ringtone of any kind. Vibration was the new acknowledgment of a pending call. But, I didn’t want to miss this one. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I did.
I slid the bar across the screen and then pressed the phone against my ear. On the other end was partial silence. Still, I felt the weight of our world lift from my shoulders.
Every breath he pulled in felt like a blessing directly from God. I closed my eyes, listening intently.
Inhale.
Thank you, Lord.
Exhale.
Thank you.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Thank you, God.
Inhale.
Exhale.
My heart expanded in my chest. Pain rushed through my body. I was unsure of how something that felt so good hurt so bad.
The quietness had my head spinning in circles. I needed more.
“Why didn’t you call?” I asked, pulling my legs toward my center. Indian-style, I sat on the bed, waiting for a response.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Thank you, God.
“Josiah–”
Thank you.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Thank you, Lord.
“Say something.”
“I told you not to wait for me, Sunshine.”
“You make it impossible.”
“I also told you that my tolerance doesn’t exist.”
“I ended it.”
Silence.
“Josiah.”
Silence.
“Josiah…”
“What is it, Range?”
“Don’t hang up.”
I didn’t recognize my voice. I didn’t recognize myself. There was a hollowing so deep and so evident that I had no choice but to acknowledge it. It didn’t matter how much I pasted temporary fixes in the gaping hole, it was still just an abyss.
Josiah.
He was the resolution. He’d fill me. He’d keep me full.
“What’s the matter?”
“You.”
“Me?”
“Yes.”
“What about me, love?”
“I want you here.”
“You’re with your people. You don’t need me there, Range. Not right now anyway.”
“But, soon.”
His freedom was never up for debate. However, I made a personal promise to do everything in my power to free Josiah. Not for a little while, but for good. His patience would be necessary and so would mine.
“And, I’ll be there.”
Though I’d advised him against it, the phone line went dead. I closed my eyes, missing him already. I’d disobeyed his orders. His disappointment was valid. However, his punishment was cruel.