Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
Even the sound of life in her body brought calm to my storm. I listened as she breathed into the line. I missed her. So much.
“Josiah.”
I closed my eyes. My erratic heartbeat slowed. All was right in my world again.
“Yes?”
Silence.
I wished I was there.
To hold her hand.
To kiss her tears away.
To be her safe place.
“Keep the baby, Range.”
Silence.
“Please.”
Silence.
“Say something, baby.”
Silence.
“I don’t want to do this alone.” Her voice cracked.
“You won’t have to. I’m coming home, baby. Just a little while longer.”
Silence.
“How are you feeling?”
“Confused,” she admitted.
“I’m sorry.”
“This is not how I– how I saw this– I–”
“Shhhhhh. Everything will be okay. Everything will work out in our favor. Everything. Just hold on a little while longer for me, love.”
“Okay.”
“How is the baby? Is everything good?”
“Babies.”
“Hm?”
“Twins.”
She knocked the wind out of my chest.
“You trying to make me the happiest man alive, Sunshine? Twins?”
“Twins.”
Silence.
I ran a hand down my face. Life had taken an unsuspected turn. I loved the new course I was on. And, I wanted to ride that motherfucker until the wheels fell off.
“Range–”
“Make this right, Siah.”
“I will. I will, baby.”
Silence.
Her quietness was torture.
“I love you,” I confessed.
A brief pause ensued.
“I love you… in every dimension.”
The line died, disconnecting us. She’d ended the call.
I flipped the page and was introduced to a new chapter. The small overhead light shone onto the book in my hand. I was four chapters in and hoping to finish the read within the next four days.
It was my second book from the law library. The first was an introduction to judicial proceedings. It was filled with terminology, history, and mock cases.
This book was full of penal codes, sentencing structures, and criminal proceedings.
There would not be a conviction in my case, but my interest had begun to spiral.
I was hungry for knowledge, relevant and irrelevant to my case, to better understand the criminal system, how it worked, and how I would make it work in my favor.
Make this right, Siah.
Pausing, I placed my hand on the mattress of the bed. Range’s words looped in my head, nonstop.
I despised the distance between us. I wanted nothing more than to be beside her. She needed me. They needed me. And, frankly, I needed them.
I shut off the light and closed the book in front of me. I’d return. For now, there was a more pressing matter that needed my immediate attention.
I tapped the screen of the black cell. Message notifications were stacked on top of each other. All from the same number. All from her. A smile stretched my lips backward as they continued to pile in.
I opened the message thread and was hit with a sack of bricks. Right in the center of my chest. My heart suffered the most.
Sonogram images stared back at me. A picture for each image in the row of six. I zoomed in, studying them closely.
Daddy’s coming home soon.
The gray bubble appeared as I minimized the last image. Another appeared. It wasn’t a sonogram. It wasn’t in black and white. It was my Sunshine.
She stood in the mirror, dressed in athletic gear, treadmill behind her.
Week eight.
I rubbed a hand across her belly. Though flat, I knew there was life inside of it. Lives we’d created together. It wasn’t my intention to impregnate Range, especially given our circumstances. But now that she was carrying my seeds, I inherited a new sense of pride.
You’re awake. A new message appeared.
How are you feeling?
Mornings are tough. The discomfort subsides by noon.
Is there anything I can get you to help with your morning sickness?
I think I’ll be fine.
Where are you?
Home. My home. The gym has been my escape.
What are you trying to escape?
My thoughts.
I didn’t bother responding. Instead, I dialed her line.
“Hello?” She answered breathlessly.
“Want to talk about it?”
“I’m okay,” she declared.
“You sure?”
“I’m in a much better space, Siah. I just– I find it very hard to believe I’m growing life inside of me. Not one.”
“Two.”
“Yes.”
“Double or nothing, huh?”
“Feels like it,” she chuckled, awakening my spirit.
“I’m proud of you, Momma. Very proud of you.”
She sighed, releasing a heavy breath.
“I miss you.”
“I know,” I admitted.
Silence.
“The other day– You said something– Something that’s been on my heart.”
“What was it?”
“I love you.”
I sunk my fingertips into my hair, gripping my head.
“Since the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew I was fully capable of falling in love with you. Sometimes I wonder if it was that day that it happened. Or the next day. Or the next visit. Or the first call. Or that night…
“When I realized there was a void. A void I wanted you to fill. A void I needed you to fill. Or the moment I knew I’d make your life easier.
Or when the urge to please you became too strong to bear.
Or the first time you laughed. Smiled. Called me Josiah.
I’m not sure when or whether it even matters. ”
“Who sent you?” She asked.
“Aubrey,” I proposed.
“Should I pay her in lollipops or popsicles?” She laughed.
There it was. I rubbed the knots out of my chest.
“You make me feel good, Range. Really good.”
Silence.
“How do I make you feel?”
“Healed.” She told me.
“From what?”
“Life’s heartbreak.”
“How long has it hurt?” I needed to know.
“Since my brother’s mother and stepfather died. It hurt too much when my brother’s wife died. And, the most when Richie died. Teddy going away still pains me til this day,” she sighed, “Unless I’m with you. Talking to you. Thinking of you.”
“I’m honored to be a part of your journey.”
“Likewise.”
I listened as the beeping on the treadmill signified the end of her walk. Seconds of nothingness elapsed. Range’s breathing stabilized. Movement ceased.
“How are you feeling?”
Her question left me baffled. I understood exactly what she was asking. However, I realized I hadn’t taken time to feel much of anything since being taken into custody. It wasn’t until she was in my line of vision that I began to feel again.
“Are you okay?”
“I feel lucky, my love. Highly favored,” I confessed, “I’m okay.”
“Lucky, huh?”
“Out of this ugly situation has come beauty. I had to be here. I had to. It’s the only way we would’ve crossed paths. So, if I had the chance to rewind time, I wouldn’t. I’d do it all again if it means we’ll end up in that room. Face to face.”
“You’re going to be a father,” she said to me.
“And a husband. And a support system. And a caregiver. And a labor partner. And whoever else I need to be to help you ease into this transition.”
“I’ve imagined it.”
“Imagined it?”
“Us. Our family. Together. In the home you built for us. Growing. Laughing. Gardening. Harvesting. Taking a break from the world. Painting. Making mistakes. Learning from them.”
“Sounds like a dream, Sunshine.”
“It is.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Trusting me. I’m aware that it’s not an easy task, but you’re doing so gracefully. And, confidently. I will be at your mercy for the decision you’ve made to give your heart to me so boldly and so selflessly. I’ll spend the rest of my days proving that you made the right choice.”
“Just be here,” she sighed, “Just make it home so I don’t do this alone, and I’ll know that I chose wisely.”
“Say less.”
Silence.
I ran my hand down my beard. Range had a way of freeing my mind, though my body was still behind bars.
“Goodnight, my love.”
Rest was essential. In order for her to get any, I had to let her go. I had to end the call, as difficult as it was.
“Goodnight.”
I gazed at the phone, wishing the call could last a lifetime. The sonogram images reappeared. I shut the screen down completely. Instead of grabbing the law book I’d been reading, I pushed it aside and retrieved the book I’d been preparing to read all week.
Fatherhood: The Art of Raising Mindful Individuals.