Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
Muah.
Muah.
“Text me when you make it home.”
“Will do. Get some rest.”
I watched from afar as Rather got situated in her vehicle. My body leaned into the door, sharing the job of holding my weight as thoughts of him crept back into my head. I closed my eyes, squeezing my lids together as I attempted to get rid of them.
It was pointless.
Rather’s visit was confirmation that I was taking the firing far too offensive.
Josiah hadn’t meant any harm. He knew I was his best chance at coming home, but he risked his freedom to make sure I brought home healthy babies.
Unnecessary stress was not accepted in his rulebook.
While I understood his logic and appreciated his strictness, it was complicated.
I found it difficult to stay away from Josiah.
My visits weren’t necessary. They never were.
However, it was him I was most interested in during his visits.
Not his case. He’d walk away a free man regardless.
I’d been hired to clean a mess, and I would.
Thoroughly. In the courtroom and at any address that might’ve been involved in the crime that led us to the courtroom.
I inhaled, allowing Rather’s words to sit with me. Sometimes I hated when others were so accurate about my circumstances, but I never allowed my personal disdain to smear the message. I got it. I always got it. This time, it was more of the same.
Would you rather he add stress onto your plate or begin removing it, piece by piece?
Even at his own expense? We’ve heard it a hundred times or more, Range.
The moment his back is against the wall will reveal everything you need to know about a man.
Josiah, no matter how tardy his observation was, refuses to drag you down to the level he’s being subjected to.
He wants to keep you on the pedestal your upbringing and inherited lifestyle require.
He doesn’t want to pull you down with him.
He wants to find his way up to you. Men have a tendency to drag women by the skin of the scalp to the trenches they designed for themselves, especially when she promised never to go back or has never been there before.
And I’m not meaning physically… only. I mean mentally.
Emotionally. Spiritually. Financially. He will strip her of her stability and her peace.
He’ll use her up and then spit her out when there’s nothing left to gain from her.
Because, strangely enough, love is never enough.
Was never enough for them. Won’t ever be enough.
Men are their highest priority in a relationship with a woman who prioritizes them.
While she becomes an option, he remains the priority for them both.
Josiah has put his needs aside to make sure you have everything you need.
He wants to see you, just not in there. He wants to be with you, just not in there. He wants to love on you, just not in there. He wants to be around you, just not in there. So, don’t worry, Range. Not even a little. This is just another green flag. You’ve been fired, but for such good reason.
I was rewarded with the light of day again. As my sister peeled out of my winding driveway, I closed the door of my home. With my back pressed against it, I closed my eyes a second time, needing a bit more of him. He felt so real behind my eyelids.
“I’ve missed you, Sunshine.”
His words were so easy to cling to because they were genuine. I could feel their origins deep down in my bones. They all came from a place of tenderness, love, selflessness, and consideration.
Hanging onto Josiah’s love, I reopened my eyes and made my way through the foyer. However, my reflection in the mirror halted my stride. I peered at the small bump that was slowly becoming more noticeable. It replaced my slightly chiseled abs, announcing new life.
Two beautiful babies were growing inside of me.
The thought was overwhelming. I blinked away the tears as my nostrils widened with happiness.
I’d always felt purposeful, but my new title gave life new meaning.
An expecting mom hadn’t been on my list of accolades to strive for, but it was the most precious one of them all.
I was slowly beginning to learn the sacredness of pregnancy and the agonizing pride that accompanied it. My contributions to the world went far beyond the courtroom. The delivery room was where I’d win my biggest case.
There. There. I coaxed my emotions.
With the back of one hand, I swiped a lone tear from my right eye. With the other, I held my growing belly. It was so pretty. So perfect. So adorable in the two-piece linen outfit that featured a cropped top. The roundness of my stomach was just underneath the end of the breathable fabric.
I love you.
I love you deeply.
I love you in every dimension.
My thoughts were quiet, yet they shook every bone in my body. My skin quivered. My heart rattled. My chest caved.
In every way.
In every lifetime.
Forever.
No matter what.
No matter where.
No matter when.
No matter how.
The vibration of my cell in the pockets of the pants that were designed with tall girls in mind and flared so perfectly became the source of my attention. I retrieved it slowly, unsure who was trying to make contact.
My resolve softened as I read the name on the screen. A brown heart rested beside the last letter. I wondered if the disruption of my nervous system would ever expire when he was involved.
I hope not. I admitted.
Signs of life greeted me on the other end.
It was a pleasant surprise to hear from Josiah in the early hours of the day.
I’d noticed weeks ago that he called me when his unit was locked down.
Because of the behavioral issues at the facility, a mandatory curfew for inmates had been implemented. Cells were locked by nine each night.
My temperature spiked. While my left hand held my phone, my right thumb and index finger began to rotate, making circles around each other.
Darkness surrounded me as I tried to grab hold of myself. The man on the other end made that incredibly, utterly difficult. Still, with a shattered nervous system, I waited for the inevitable. I waited for him to piece me back together after he’d pulled me apart.
“I’m sorry, Sunshine.”
His tone was disheartening. So were his words. My breath got caught in my throat. My eyebrows cinched inward. I longed for more. I needed more.
More words.
More of his baritone.
More of his sincerity.
“For what?” I rushed out through a weighty sigh.
A pile of bricks had fallen onto my chest. I could barely breathe. I could barely function.
My right hand rested against my skin, attempting to keep my heart from falling out of my body.
“My absence. But, especially, how you’ve felt since the last time we saw each other.”
I inhaled as the weights began to lift. Josiah’s kindness would never fail to amaze me.
“Who sent you?” I inquired.
Silence toyed with my head. After a very pregnant pause and a brief lapse in my sanity, his tenor awakened me, again.
“Someone who loves you, baby, and understands that I am a man who is capable of loving you the same… but romantically. And, more fiercely and more attentively and more accurately and more vividly.”
I straightened my back against the wall closest to me and rested my head against the paint. The home that Josiah had built was slowly becoming mine. It was slowly becoming home.
Because I was a woman who fully believed in the separation of personal spaces, I ventured to the dwelling that served as my forever home more often than not. However, when between the walls that Josiah designed, contentment lulled me.
“You fired me,” I reminded him.
“Only because I had to, Sunshine. This shit I have for you in my chest wouldn’t allow me not to.”
“I understand.”
“I know you do. You’re just in your feelings, which is understandable, too.”
“I won’t be able to see you anymore.”
“You’ll see me on the other side. That’s the only side you should’ve ever seen me to begin with.”
A comforting silence dragged my lips backward, resulting in a smile.
“Four more weeks.”
“Four more weeks,” Josiah confirmed. “Where are you?”
“Your ho–”
“Our.”
“Our home,” I corrected.
The inclination that I was combining worlds with someone sent me into overdrive.
“I’ve made arrangements for you to see the natural birthing team we discussed. When you’re ready, Range, please tell me. Because I understand you may be slightly over–”
“Stimulated,” I giggled, attempting to make light of the situation. “I am.”
There was a tightening in my chest that wouldn’t go away. It didn’t matter how much I tried to dissolve it.
“How have you been feeling?”
“Nuasous. Appreciative. Easily overstimulated. Fragile. Sometimes confused. There’s a level of fog I’ve never experienced.”
“I’ve ordered a natural gummy called Pree that I had the pleasure of assisting with the formulation of. There will be a full supply that should get us through this pregnancy. Each trimester has its own set of gummies.
“The formula changes as your body does. It should help with morning sickness, vomiting, and the fog you’re experiencing. If you’ve never heard of pregnancy brain, I suggest you start looking into it, because brain fog is only one of the symptoms.”
I nodded as if he could see me.
“Okay. I’ll go by the bookstore and pick up som–”
“They’re already on the way, Sunshine. Every piece of literature that I considered helpful, I’ve purchased for us both. An order list will accompany the books, letting you know what I’m reading and when I’m reading it, just in case you care to join me.”
“Of course, I’ll join you.”
“Good. Good. I was hoping you would,” Josiah confessed.
“Yeah? Why?”
“So neither of us is alone.”
My heart was a mess.
Four weeks.
Whistling began on the other end, untangling me so relentlessly. I recalled the tune. It was almost impossible to forget. It had been around since I was a child. Silently, the words looped in my head.