Chapter 12 #5
Opening her eyes, Toni let out a long sigh of frustration that made her lips flutter.
“So I took it out on his best friend for allowing him to even go to that house. It wasn’t his best friend’s fault.
Hell, the man wasn’t even there! Which I ended up yelling at him for, too,” she reluctantly admitted.
“And you know what pissed me off even more? He just stood there and took it! Like he didn’t even argue with any of my points, even though it wasn’t his fault either.
Ugh, why are men so frustratingly annoying?
” Toni sat back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest. “So that’s how my day’s been. Thank you for letting me share.”
* * *
Toni felt ridiculously foolish for her share after the man in the black suit admitted he’d just come from his grandson’s funeral out of town.
The fifteen year old had overdosed on fentanyl-laced Xanax.
While she knew better than to compare hers and Ranger’s situation to his, just as she couldn’t compare Ranger’s addiction to her parents’, her own frustrations seemed embarrassingly small.
Her anger at discovering Ranger had been so close to a relapse was a luxury.
Ranger was alive, whereas this man’s grandson, be it the first time he’d bought a prescription drug off the street or the one hundredth, was no longer.
It brought home how thin the line between struggle and tragedy really was. A line her parents had crossed time and time again…until there was no coming back from it.
The mood in the room was drastically different following his share.
The next woman who spoke was the mid-aged wife of an alcoholic, and despite being almost fifteen years sober, worried her husband resented her for the ultimatum she’d given him when she made him choose between the alcohol and their marriage.
She now feared he believed he’d chosen wrong.
The somber reflections continued as a pair of adult sisters talked of their other sister’s recent relapse after a near-death experience. She’d walked away from a severe car accident practically unscathed, and the very next day drank almost three bottles of wine after twenty-two years.
The last share for the night was from Jody, the chairperson for tonight’s meeting. She was in her late thirties with a warm personality, and despite always bringing cookies, couldn’t cook for shit. Thankfully, Toni was rarely hungry during these meetings.
“As many of you know, my mom’s been sober for many years. She sponsors a number of people in the program and has been an advocate for AA across the country. And yesterday, I dropped her off at rehab.”
Toni was not the only one who gasped. Barbara, Jody’s mom, didn’t live in the area, but just as she advocated for AA, Jody did for Al-Anon.
Toni often saw reflections of herself in Jody, both of them having grown up under an addict parent.
Never in a million years would she have thought Barbara would relapse, not with how strong her convictions in the program were.
But it was just another cruel example of how devastating of a disease addiction was.
“Mom called me up in the middle of the night, high as a kite. I honestly thought it was some twisted joke at first. But it was her,” Jody confirmed sadly, “and the way she spoke to me…” Jody shook her head.
“It was like I was a teenager again.” She took a deep breath.
“So in the middle of the night, still in my pajamas, I drove seven and a half hours to get to her, forced her into my car, and dropped her off at rehab. She begged me not to take her, called me every name in the book, even tried to bribe me, but this was why she named me medical proxy years ago. She knew if she relapsed, she wouldn’t enter into recovery easily.
She knew I would have to force her, and I think she always hated herself a little for having to put that burden on me.
“I went to check on her today. They normally don’t allow visitors, but I knew the owner, so they made an exception.
Mom looked like shit. God, it was like I was being tossed back into the nineties and coming home from school to find her lying in her own vomit on the floor.
” Jody cringed at the fresh memory. “And just like when I was a kid, as soon as she saw me, she started apologizing again. I tried to sympathize. I tried to be supportive and give her the benefit of the doubt, but honestly, it was like I’d reached my breaking point.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand there and listen to her bullshit excuses for one more second—and so I left,” Jody admitted with a cynical shrug.
“But then I got talking with her doctor, and you know what she gave me?” Jody reached into her purse to pull out several pamphlets.
“‘Understanding the Connection between Menopause and Addiction’,” she read the first title before going to the next in the stack, “‘Midlife Recovery: Hormones, Health, and Sobriety’, ‘Women, Menopause, and Relapse Risk’, ‘A Guide to the Hormonal Changes for Women in Midlife’, and my personal favorite, ‘The Second Wave: Recovery After Forty’.”
Jody tossed the pamphlets on the floor in the middle of the circle.
One came skidding across the linoleum, catching under Toni’s shoe.
“As if being a woman isn’t hard enough? Her own body turned against her until she snapped and used meth to make her feel like herself again.
I don’t know how I feel about this. I’m not even sure if I have the right to be angry at her.
I knew she was struggling with her menopause symptoms, and of course, her OB was less than helpful.
Between the hot flashes, the brain fog, the cravings…
Can I blame her for seeking something that made her feel even remotely normal again?
” Jody threw her hands up in the air. “In the end, I’m not sure it matters.
My feelings are irrelevant, and when she’s through withdrawal, she’s going to hate herself enough for the both of us. ”
* * *
Ranger smoothed a lock of Toni’s dark hair out of her face.
They were at his bedroom in Ghost and Becks’ house, having decided Ranger’s bigger bathroom was better than the itty bitty one at the trailer.
Having quieter, less rough sex was a trade-off they were willing to make to be able to shower and bathe together.
Plus, technically, the trailer was still Toni’s to use, so they occasionally went down there when they were feeling particularly rambunctious.
“You’re quiet tonight,” he observed.
Her head on the pillow she’d finally gotten from her house, Toni shrugged under him. They were both naked, having just made love. “Got a lot on my mind.”
“Work or Al-Anon?” he inquired, still playing with her hair.
Toni didn’t answer him for a moment, staring up at the blank ceiling he’d spent many, many nights memorizing. “Remember Jody?”
“Yeah, of course. She’s come to a few AA and NA open meetings to encourage family members to attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Seems like a sweet woman. Did something happen to her?”
Toni did a little head bobble like she wasn’t sure if she should nod or shake her head. “Her mom relapsed.”