Chapter Nineteen
Grizz
I stare down at Anastacia, ignoring the mess all over the floor and bed.
There are bodily fluids everywhere, and normally this isn’t something that gets to me.
I’ve killed people. I’ve spilled their guts on pavement.
I’ve shot people in the face. But this is something else entirely, and that placenta or whatever the fuck it’s called is staring at me, and I kind of want to throw up.
But then the baby makes a noise, and everything around me disappears except her and Anastacia.
Her eyes are glued to her daughter, and for good reason. She is by far the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. Thick dark hair and lashes. The cutest little mouth. Chubby cheeks. The tiniest fingers I’ve ever seen. And her toes? Don’t get me started on those little beans.
“Fuck, she’s beautiful,” I say.
Anastacia looks up at me, her cheeks red, head damp with sweat.
“I want to feed her,” Anastacia says, trying to sit up.
“Whoa, hold on. Let me help you. Don’t move.”
I look around at the mess and realize we cannot stay in here. And I’m pretty sure I’m going to need a whole new bed because, fucking hell, childbirth is messy.
“Wait one minute,” I say as I hurry out of the room and into the guest room.
I pull the blankets down, fluff up the pillows, then grab a spare blanket and lay it on the bed so we don’t ruin the mattress.
Then I go back into my room. Anastacia’s eyes flick up to me, and I have never seen happiness like that in all my life. “Do you trust me?”
“With everything,” she says.
I carefully scoop her up, under the knees and under the back, cradling her and the baby against my chest, then walk them into the bedroom.
It’s a good thing she had this nightgown on this morning, and all the rolling around she did had it riding all the way up so it isn’t all wet.
Kelsey helped her with the underwear and pad situation, and not because I didn’t want to but because she knows more than I do and I didn’t want to fuck it up.
I lay her down on the bed, leaning up against the headboard.
“Can you help me get this off?” she asks, tugging at the nightgown. “Actually, would you mind holding her, so I c—”
“Holding her?” I blurt.
Anastacia smiles. “Yes, Grizz. Can you hold her?”
“I, uh…” I shake my head. “No, I don’t think I can.”
She frowns.
“I’ll take her,” Kelsey says from the doorway. “As long as you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind,” Anastacia says.
Kelsey elbows me, giving me a dirty look, on her way to the bed.
“I’m sorry, I just—”
“It’s okay, Grizz,” Anastacia says kindly. “It’s scary. Trust me, I know.”
She pulls her nightgown off, and then she’s just there, nothing but a pair of panties in the bed I’ve been sleeping in.
And fuck, if I thought she was beautiful before…
Her breasts are full, dark pink nipples, and Jesus fuck I cannot be looking at her like this when she is about to feed her child. The fuck is wrong with me? Goddamn.
“I need some air.”
I hurry out of the room, knowing Kelsey will take care of her. Kelsey will do anything she needs, and she’s certainly more equipped than I am. I don’t know the first fucking thing about taking care of a baby. I don’t have any parental instincts. I fucking kill people for a living.
I burst out the front door, barreling into Snapper, who scowls at me and shoves me away.
Fuck, I forgot they were here.
Tommy holds out his pack of cigarettes to me. I take one, and say, “I thought you quit.”
“Something told me to pick up a pack.”
I shouldn’t be smoking, not now that there is a baby here, but it’s just one and I’ll wash my hands twice. No, five times. I’ll change my clothes too. And so will all these guys if they are going to go in there to be next to her.
Fucking hell.
Her.
A little girl. She’s going to grow up and look just like her mama and be the most beautiful thing in the world. I already want to kill all the boys. Every last one of them.
“Are you okay?” Lucian asks.
“No,” I say seriously.
He laughs.
“You will be,” he assures me. “Just breathe. I know it’s a lot.”
“It’s more than a lot. That was… intense.”
Snapper nods absently, staring out at the driveway and taking the last drag of his cigarette before clipping the head off with his nail and shoving the butt into his pocket. So considerate, yet such a fucking prick.
“I don’t know how I’m going to do this,” I admit.
“You’re going to be fine,” Tommy says.
I look at him, suddenly filled with emotion. I want to apologize. I want to tell him how sorry I am that he doesn’t have this. But I swear he gives me the smallest shake of his head and puts on a smile.
“I am fucking happy for you, little bro. Don’t ever think otherwise.”
Fuck, I love my brother.
I take a deep breath, then inhale half the cigarette. It’s helping with my nerves, but barely.
“What do we do now?” I ask.
“Well, the baby should be checked out by a pediatrician. I did what I could, but I only have so much equipment.”
“The doctor in town is good,” Snapper says. “She can take the baby there. I’ll pay him a visit on the way home, just so he knows what’s going on.”
“Thanks, man.” I turn to Lucian. “And thank you. Without you… Fuck, you’ve helped her through this whole thing, and there is no way I would have survived this without you. I don’t even know if the b—” My throat gets tight, and I can’t even finish the sentence.
When she came out, she wasn’t crying. I don’t think she was breathing.
I wasn’t breathing. In fact, I don’t think anyone in that room was.
Then Lucian did something to her, worked some fucking magic, and I’ve never heard something that gave me so much relief in all my life.
I’m sure moving forward, that cry will be the bane of my existence, but today? I am so thankful I heard it.
And let’s be serious, I’ll be happy to hear it for months to come because that means Anastacia is still with me, and that the baby is healthy and alive.
Lucian and Snapper leave. Tommy and I have another cigarette, and when we go inside, I threaten to chop his dick off if he doesn’t scrub every part of his body and change his clothes before going to see the baby. He laughs, but he does it.