Chapter 10 #2
On the #commiserations channel, she replied to Alaina’s post about the one-star review on Goodreads, saying: Ugh, Alaina, I’m sorry to hear that, how sucky!
But my mentor told me it’s best to ignore Goodreads completely.
I actually have it blocked on my browser because I just know I’d obsess non-stop over it, and GR is such a cesspool of trolls, you can’t trust any reviews on there.
Your book is beautiful and I have no doubt that you’ll get many five-star reviews which will drown out the haters!
Immediately, my chest tightens up again.
It’s her. And on the sidebar, I can see the green dot next to her name, which means she’s online.
She’s online right this very second, existing in the same place as me, and it hits me then.
She can see that I’m online too. Trepidation overwhelms me, and I scramble to close the Slack window.
I hunch over, my arms hugging my stomach as guilt, grief, and fear roil inside me.
I can’t help but think of Dani. As much as I try to leave Dani behind, there are times when the memory of her comes roaring back with such strength that it threatens to crush me.
I’m breathing hard now, as though I’ve just sprinted.
I have a strong urge to crouch down and hide from the computer, which is crazy, I know.
Haven can’t see me; logically, I know that.
I know. But I feel her eyes on me, watching me with that knowing gaze of hers.
Her gaze feels like an insect crawling across my skin, its legs brushing against the little hairs on the back of my neck, its pincers poised to pierce through the sensitive parts of my skin.
I shudder and stand up so abruptly that my chair clatters back.
“She’s not here, Fern,” I mutter out loud. “It’s okay, you’re okay. This is not high school. You’re free of her. She has no hold over you. She can’t see you. She can’t. You need to go back in there. You can’t let her take this space away from you, otherwise you lose.”
God, I know it’s true. I know that if I walk away from the debut group Slack, then Haven will win.
Again. And she wouldn’t have to do anything to win this time.
I throw my head back, blinking at the ceiling to keep the tears from falling.
It feels so wrong, but I have to go back to the Slack group.
Plus, I tell myself, it’s not like she can tell me to fuck off like she did back in school.
Because if she does, if she sends me a mean message online, then I can screenshot it and show it to everyone.
Then the rest of the world will finally know the truth about Haven Lee.
The thought of it calms me. Yes. Haven no longer has dark corners to trap me in.
She can no longer whisper threats to me.
If she’s going to be her vile self, she’ll have to do it online, leaving behind a trail of evidence that can be used to out her.
I am as protected as I can be from Haven. I can do this.
Taking a deep breath, I sit back down and open the Slack once more. The #commiserations channel has even more replies.
Alaina: You are so right @Haven! Ughhh I really shouldn’t have let it get to me, I feel so dumb now, lol.
Haven: Omg, you are not in the least bit dumb! The only reason I blocked GR is precisely because I know the slightest bit of negativity will cause me to spiral! #TheEmotionalMaturityOfAToddler.
FelicityDao: LOL tell me about it! Haven is right, she got me to block GR ages ago and #noregrets!
Alaina: I love you guys! What would I do without you? I’ve blocked GR now and I feel sooo much better already.
I’m scowling as I read the chat. Alaina loves them?
You don’t even know these people! I scream silently at them.
I raise my hands to type something, but I hesitate.
The knowledge that Haven will be able to see the words “FernHuang is typing . . .” pop up on the screen makes me feel lightheaded.
And anyway, what would I say? What can I possibly add to this conversation?
Haven’s already swooped in and saved the day.
I switch to the #questions channel and to my dismay, find that Haven’s also been in here.
Yuna: How long after you folks signed your contract did you get your edit letter? It’s been three months since I signed my contract and I still haven’t received my letter yet, and I’m starting to get antsy!
Haven: So much of this industry is “hurry up and wait”, isn’t it!
Yuna: Girl, tell me about it.
Haven: I got mine two weeks after signing my contract, but I know it differs from editor to editor and I really wouldn’t read too much into it. Have you asked your agent? She should nudge your editor for you.
Yuna: Idk, I don’t wanna bother my agent.
Haven: I don’t think it’s bothering your agent at all! It’s not like you’re asking her to do something every week, and you’ve waited three months, I think a check-in is understandable.
Felicity: Agreed! I would’ve checked in a lot sooner honestly.
Yuna: Hmm. Okay you’re right.
Haven: Yeah, it won’t hurt! If your agent doesn’t think it’s reasonable to nudge your editor, she’ll tell you. It’ll be fine! That’s why we have agents, right?
Yuna: Thank you for the much-needed kick in the butt. I don’t know why I’ve just been sitting here questioning myself endlessly. Ok, I’m going to message my agent right now! Aaah, wish me luck!
Haven: Good luck! You got this!
It seems as though in every freaking channel, Haven has made a new fan.
I scroll up and reread the whole exchange between Yuna and Haven again.
How does Haven do this? My reply to Yuna’s original question now seems so stupid in comparison that I thank the universe that I deleted it as soon as I posted it.
And isn’t it just typical Haven to drop a subtle mention about how much better she’s being treated (“My editor sent my notes within two weeks, unlike your editor!”) before she gives actual useful advice?
Also, is her advice actually good? Should Yuna be reaching out to her agent asking her to nudge her editor?
I for one would definitely not do any such thing.
I have this thing about not being a bother, ever, so the thought of reaching out to Poppy and asking her “Hiiii Poppy, do you think you could possibly nudge Lindsay and ask her when she’ll have my edit letter ready?
” actually makes me do a whole-body shudder.
No, that is terrible advice. There is nothing worse than an irritating, high-maintenance client. If Poppy is ever asked about me, I want her to say, “Oh, Fern Huang? She is the easiest client to work with! I’m so happy I’m her agent!”
Right. I know I’m right. The question is: Does Haven know that she’s setting Yuna up for failure?
Is she secretly hoping that Yuna would become known to her agent as a difficult client?
As soon as I think this, the answer becomes obvious.
Because of course Haven knows what she’s doing.
Haven always knows; she always has an ulterior motive.
She believes that everything is a zero-sum game and that in order for her to get ahead, others need to fall back.
Maybe—a dark, sly thought surfaces—maybe she’s doing this because they’ve got the same agent?
And she wants to be the favorite, so she’s making Yuna look bad.
I do a quick Google search to see who Yuna’s agent is, and aha! Yuna isn’t represented by Haven’s agent, but she is represented by Haven’s agent’s colleague. They’re repped by the same agency. Close enough for poor Yuna to find herself Haven’s next target.
I feel the familiar sensations of my chest tightening at witnessing some unfortunate soul become Haven’s next victim, while at the same time a pathetic sense of relief courses through me because hey, if Haven’s picking on someone else, she’s not picking on me.
But as soon as I think that, I seethe with self-hatred.
I refuse to give in to that selfish thought.
I can’t think like that. I need to stand up for others.
Back in middle and high school, when Haven first set her sights on me, I prayed countless times to the universe to send me someone, just one person, who’d be willing to stand up for me.
I foolishly thought that Dani was that person for me, the one who’d take my hand and tell me it’s okay, we’ve always got each other.
It took me a while to realize that happy endings only happen in movies.
I was on my own, only because nobody else was brave enough to stand up to Haven.
But now, I can be that person for someone else.
I click on Yuna’s name and start up a private conversation with her. An eternity passes before I decide on what to say.
Fern: Hi, Yuna! How’s it going?
I watch, my mouth dry, as Yuna starts typing a reply.
Yuna: Hey, good, good! I’m just getting used to the Slack group. How are you?
Fern: Good, thanks! Yeah, me too. It takes a beat to get used to.
There follows a long, painful silence. I can sense Yuna behind her screen, waiting and wondering why the hell I’ve reached out.
It’s not too late. I could just say “Anyway, just wanted to say hi!” and then run away.
But as I type “Anyway, just wanted . . .” I get a flash of myself in middle school, watching from afar as everyone hangs out together.
An image of Haven whispering something behind her hand to the others, then all of them glancing at me for a quick second before bursting into peals of laughter. No. I can’t let it happen again.
Fern: So anyway, I saw your question about the edit letter . . .
Yuna: Oh?
Fern: Yeah, and I saw the suggestion to ask your agent to nudge.
Yuna: Yeah, I feel so stupid for not thinking of doing that sooner. So glad that Haven talked some sense into me.
No, no, I want to shout at Yuna. Haven does not talk sense into anyone. She only whispers poison.