8. Elijah
Ihad Thursday off so I spent my morning at the gym. After yesterday’s disaster chasing those two boys, I was all fired up. I needed to be stronger, more agile. They may have gotten the best of me yesterday, but it wouldn’t happen again. I wouldn’t allow it. I also couldn’t shake last night’s conversation with Lucas. I’ve never claimed to be the friendliest guy in town, but I didn’t make a habit of scolding women over tail lights. I had allowed my anger from the morning to seep through to my work. I imagine she spent most of her evening complaining about it to her husband and he’d probably be knocking down my door soon enough. I utilised this anger to push through another few reps before making my way home.
Even after a workout, shower, and lunch, I still found myself tense as I pondered my next move. My eyes wandered over to the piano in the corner.
Lucas wouldn’t be home for a while yet; he knew I played, but I didn’t like anyone watching me whilst I did. I didn’t exactly play to perform, I played to relieve tension.
When I was in high school, I used to find myself feeling panicky or angry most days.
I wasn’t coping well, but I did my best to hide the fact. I would go and sit in a quiet classroom, closing my eyes, wishing the feelings away. Eventually, I would calm down enough to go back to class, but the anxious feeling never really left me.
One day I had a particularly bad turn. I felt like my heart was going to rip straight out of my chest. I could feel it pounding over and over as I gasped for air. No matter what I did, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like I had no control over my body. I was slumped down in a quiet corridor when Mr. Lawson found me. He sat with me until I calmed down and had my breathing under control before leading me into the music room. It was quite well known to everyone in the school what happened in our family, but he never asked about it. He never made me talk about any of it.
Instead, he taught me to play piano. He would make time for me every day to come and play. He even eventually gave me a key to a practice room so I could have access to a piano whenever I needed it. When I played it made me forget about everything that was going on. The tightness in my chest would lessen and my mind would focus on nothing else but the music. Playing would take me out of my head and into a completely new world where I was at peace.
I moved away from my kitchen table and started playing. As my fingers ran along the keys, I felt the tension releasing from my shoulders. I closed my eyes briefly on the part I knew by heart and took a deep breath. I would play until I felt better, this was one of the only things I did for me. It wasn’t a secret so much as I didn’t actively relay this information to anyone outside of my family. Even then, I didn’t explain to them how much I needed to play. How playing was the only time I felt truly calm and happy.
A while later a slamming of the front door interrupted my playing as I took my hands off the keys.
“Don’t stop on my account,” Lucas said as he walked into the room. I didn’t like to play to an audience, this was just for me.
“I was about to stop anyway; we need to head over to Ma’s for dinner soon,” I said as I shut the top and started to move away.
“Oh yes, how could I forget Thursday night dinner!” He chuckled, putting his bag down.
“Yep, Thursday night dinner,” I echoed.
It was my Ma’s enforced tradition that we made time for dinner every Thursday as much as possible.
Occasionally I was on a night shift and missed it, but when I could be I was there. She would never admit it, but I know my mother has been lonely in recent years. It was slightly better now my sister was back living with her, but I know it’s been hard on her. She spent most of her time when we were growing up fussing over all of us. It was our time to take care of her now. It was part of my job.
I drove us over a little while later, figuring Lucas needed a beer more than I did after his day working. As usual, we were greeted by my ma’s warm embrace the second we walked through the door.
It felt like each time she held on a little longer and tighter than the last.
“Uncle Eli!” The sound of my niece’s footsteps came charging through the house.
“You’ve been behaving yourself, Vi?” I asked as I picked her up. “You know I will take you down to the station if you haven’t.” She laughed as she wrapped her arms around my neck.
“Obviously, I’m always good.” She wasn’t far off. I might be biased, but she is one of the sweetest little girls. “I made a new best friend today.”
“That she did,” my sister, Alice, said, coming out of the kitchen. “She spent all morning playing with this little boy.”
“A boy?” Lucas chimed in, almost at the same time as I said, “Absolutely not.” which prompted a laugh from both my mother and Alice.
“Boys, she’s four. We also should be happy that she made a friend!” Alice said, her tone of voice stern. Alice was always worrying about how shy Violet was.
It wouldn’t be much longer before she was starting school. Alice was worried she wouldn’t be able to make friends. I had always been a shy kid like Violet. I knew it was important for her to be able to make friends and be more outgoing. I wanted better from my niece than what I had.
“You’re right, we’re proud of you.” I tickled her as I put her back down so she could greet Lucas.
“God help her when she does actually start dating with you two around.” Alice chuckled, patting my arm as she headed back to the living room.
“God help them,” Ma replied, following her.
She wasn’t wrong–Violet had two protective uncles to watch out for her. Any future romantic interests would be lucky if we let them within two feet of her.
In a similar way that Thursday dinners became a habit, so was us sitting in the same chair at the table as we did when we were little. We all sat down as my mother brought out one of her famous chicken pot pies. My ma and the café were the only reasons I was eating well.
I couldn’t help but find my eyes wandering to my dad’s empty seat at the end of the table.
Every Thursday it was empty, it had been for fifteen years. Nobody ever sat there, not even guests. It felt like it was just waiting there for him, that one day I would come to Thursday dinner and he would be sat there. It was never going to happen, though. The only thing that chair was doing was collecting dust. Alice must have caught me looking as I felt her hand softly touch mine. We didn’t talk about it much anymore. No matter how much time passed, it was still too painful for me.
Sometimes when any of us were hitting milestones or when I looked at Violet, I felt a pang in my chest. He would have doted on her just like my mother does, but he never got to meet her. He never got to sit around this table, listening to her tell her bizarre stories whilst the rest of us soaked in her every word like she was reciting some Shakespearean masterpiece. We were all quite soft on her, really, but she felt like this flicker of light in the darkness that hung over this family.
At Alice’s touch I turned my attention away from dad’s chair. Taking a deep breath, I try to push those thoughts from my mind. Part of me wishes Ma would move houses so we weren’t haunted by it, but part of me never wanted to let it go. I turned my attention back to my family as they spoke, soaking in every word, every moment we had together.