18. Elijah
Ifelt sick.
I paced up and down the street for a minute, trying pointlessly to calm down. Giving in, I called into work, giving the receptionist some half-arsed excuse as to why I wasn’t going to make my shift. I never called in sick. I never took days off. But I couldn’t go into work like this. I found my way to my car, desperate to get away from all of the people around. They were watching me, judging me–I could feel it. I was in no state to drive home, but that didn’t stop me. All reason had gone out of the window. Luckily, it was a short drive. My hands shook on the steering wheel as I struggled to contain my breathing.
After making my way through the door I grabbed a glass of water, sipping slowly in an attempt to regain some control. As I slammed it down, my breathing only quickened. Leaning my hands on the side for support, I closed my eyes. I tried to think of something, anything other than the thoughts of death consuming my head.
I thought of Charlotte. I thought of the way her auburn hair fell softly down her shoulders. Her wide smile as I entered the café. The kindness that shined through her eyes as she spoke. I always found myself trying to meet her gaze. There could be hundreds of people in a room and I would always look for her. Look for her eyes, those eyes that made me feel safe.
I then thought about the sadness in them when we argued earlier, how upset she looked with me. I had gone in there to give her a gift and I ruined it, like I ruined everything. No matter how hard I tried, I always seemed to get things wrong. Sometimes it was hard to shake the feeling that people may be better off without me.
Any fraction of calm that came from thinking of her quickly evaporated. I moved a hand to my chest, clutching it hoping it would stop the pain. My eyes wandered to the sink as I was trying to decide if I was just feeling nauseous or if I was actually going to be sick.
The screaming started again and I immediately put my hands to my ears, trying to block out the sound, but it didn’t stop.
“Elijah!”
The screaming formed into words, saying my name over and over again. Trying to get my attention, but I wouldn’t listen. Even though I wasn’t moving I felt the voice getting further away.
“Elijah, stop!”
There was desperation in her voice now. She was trying to reach me, but I clearly wasn’t listening. Her screaming got further and further away from me until I could no longer hear her. I sank down to the floor, hugging my knees. I took deep breaths, trying to focus on a singular spot in front of me, but I felt frozen. My body was stuck in place.
It was a car door that eventually broke me from the trance. I don’t know how long I’d been on the floor, but if that was Lucas, it must have been hours. I quickly stood back up as he entered, trying to act normal.
“Oh, hey. I wasn’t expecting to see you yet. I thought you were working late tonight?” he questioned as he threw his bag on the side.
“I wasn’t feeling good earlier, so I called in sick.” He watched me for a moment. He knew as well as anyone that me calling in sick was unheard of.
“Nothing contagious, I hope.”
Charming.
“No, I feel better now. I think I was just overdoing it. My body just needed some time to rest.” He raised an eyebrow in my direction, heading over and putting his hand to my forehead.
“You don’t look so good. You sure it’s just that?”
“Yeah, I’m actually feeling much better now,” I lied. My breathing was back to normal, but I could still feel the anxiousness clouding my chest.
“Well, it might not be a bad idea for you to take tomorrow off, too. The town will survive without you for another day.”
I nodded, but I think we both knew that there was no way I’d be taking another day off. Today was just a blip. I lost control for a bit, but I’m fine now. Everything will go back to normal tomorrow.