19. Charlotte
The number of texts I was receiving from Adam seemed to continue increasing as time went on. I could tell the different stages of drunk he was by his texts. Whenever it was early on in the drinking or he was still sober, they were sweeter.
Adam: I miss you both so much. I love you, Lottie.
Adam: I hope Theo is being good for you?
It’s when I receive those texts that I start to miss him. I start to worry if I made the right decision in leaving. He can be a doting partner and father when he wants to be…Maybe we could find a way to make this work. Once he is a few beers in, the texts started to become more desperate.
Adam: I don’t know if I can do this without you.
Adam: Please Lottie, I need my family back.
That’s when I really start to feel the guilt and question myself. I can’t shake the feeling that maybe I was being selfish in leaving. I know I told myself it was for a better start for Theo and I, but what about Adam? Is there something I could have done to help him out of the hole? I tried, didn’t I? I guess I could have done more. Maybe it isn’t too late to do more for him. As time goes on and more alcohol gets into his system, the texts become violent.
Adam: Pick up your phone.
Adam: I am going to make you regret ever thinking you could leave me.
Adam: When I find you, you’re dead.
I am reminded exactly why I left. Adam is unpredictable. Adam is dangerous. Whilst I know he is drunk and these are angry words, if he wanted to, he is perfectly capable of carrying it out. I have lost count of how many times I have been on the wrong end of his anger. I had been lucky that up until now, Theo hadn’t been on the receiving end. But I knew it was only a matter of time before he turned on him, too. I had been careful when researching this place. He wouldn’t find us here, but I couldn’t help to feel a slight pang of anxiety at the possibility.
What if Adam finds us?
Wednesday rolled around and I had a couple days off from the café. I wasn’t quite ready to leave Theo to work full time, so I was building up slowly until he was old enough to go to school. I just had to make sure I worked enough hours to keep up with the rent.
I made plans with Alice for a coffee and park date in the morning before she had to go to work. I debated whether or not to mention the texts from Adam. I was starting to doubt how careful I had been with our location. Adam isn’t stupid. I was worried that if he was determined enough, he would find us here.
Every time there was a gap in conversation the words were at the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. We even talked about some memories of Theo that involved Adam before, but I still couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I didn’t want to cause a fuss unnecessarily and I knew she would want me to talk to Elijah about it, given his occupation. I’m not sure Officer Sunshine would be overly sympathetic. I’m definitely not his favourite person at the moment, either. I told her about my conversation and impending date with Daniel Taylor. She gave me a strange look.
“You could do a lot better than Daniel Taylor.” She shrugged, “He was an asshole back in high school.” It was interesting to hear her say that. Maybe Elijah’s words have some weight to it. Then again, most people changed a lot after school.
“It’s just one date, it probably won’t grow into anything more. I’m just interested in putting myself out there again.” She smiled at me, but I could tell she was still unsure.
“Will you keep me updated on Friday with the date?”
“Of course.” It felt like an odd request, but maybe it was a typical friend thing to do. I hadn’t exactly been on lots of dates before.
“Ma is going to be watching Violet whilst I am at the gala. She said she’d be happy to watch Theo for the night, if you wanted?” she asked, changing the subject.
I had almost forgotten about the gala. I still wanted to go, but for some reason it felt wrong to be enjoying myself. How could I have fun when I had Adam looming over me?
“Oh, I wouldn’t want to put her out,” I answered quickly. “Does she not want to go?” I asked. Alice shook her head.
“She used to go all the time with my dad, but she can’t face it now without him.” My heart sank at her words. Grief always lingered, it never seemed to completely fade. In some ways it was nice because you carried that person with you wherever you went, but it was hard because you are never able to make new memories without this bittersweetness.
You were left clinging onto everything you knew about them, hoping as you got older you didn’t forget anything. That you wouldn’t forget the way they smiled or laughed. That you wouldn’t forget how they looked when they were excited about something. You even wished not to forget the bad stuff, the way they looked when they were sad or angry. All of those emotions were who they were. They were part of your experience with them.
My parents weren’t dead, but it felt like they were. They might as well be. Sometimes when it was quiet, I would lay in my bed and think about the memories. The good ones where we went to the zoo or they read me my favourite books before bed. Alongside the bad ones where there was yelling, hands and items being thrown around the room. In a way I grieved them, too, but I grieved the things they never did. I grieved the fact they never met Theo, that they weren’t there when he first learned to walk. Every time Theo asks a question about my family, it’s like a knife to my chest. How do I tell him they actively chose not to be a part of his life, that they didn’t want him? That they didn’t want me either.
How do I explain to him the reason we stayed in the situation with his father so long is because we had nowhere to go? No one who loved us enough to save us, to help us escape. I know he’s only small and I’m hopeful he won’t remember any of it. If he does, then I hope he understands why I stayed so long. His safety has always been and will always be my top priority. He is the only reason I found the strength to fight my way out without help. He will never have to grieve me whilst I am still alive.
“If she is sure that would be great. It would be nice to do something adult orientated for a change.” I smiled, hoping it was coming across as genuine.
“Let me text her now to check.” Alice smiled back before grabbing her phone out of her pocket and sending a text. “I don’t remember the last time I did something adult-only that wasn’t work.” She chuckled. After a moment her phone buzzed.
“She said she’s more than happy to. Violet and Theo can have a sleepover so we can enjoy our night,” Alice beamed. The thought of not having Theo with me overnight gave me a small surge of anxiety, but I trusted Lucy. There was something about her that made me feel safe in her presence. “She also asked if you wanted to join us for family dinner tomorrow night? I think both the boys will be there, too.” My smile was genuine this time at the word family. I had been in this town just over a week and already felt more welcome here than I had anywhere else. I had been chasing this feeling for so long and I hadn’t even known it.
“We’d love to come, thank her for me.”
After saying goodbye to Alice, I decided to make a trip to the store Elijah had given us the gift card for. I didn’t know how much was on it, but figured we could buy a little frame or art to spruce the place up a bit. I searched around for a while and found a musical print for $30. It was an artist impression of a piano with musical notes coming out of it. It reminded me of my grandpa and the happier memories I had of him and my life. After spotting it I couldn’t help but take it to the checkout to buy. Theo had also found a car ornament that he was refusing to let go of. I still had some money left over, so I decided it wasn’t worth fighting him. I could pay the $10 for it.
“I’ve taken the total off the gift card so you still have $305 left on there.” The cashier smiled at me as she handed it back. I thought my jaw was about to drop onto the floor.
“There is $305 left on there?” My voice shook slightly. There was no way that was true.
“Well, there was $350 to start with and you spent $45 today.” She smiled back at me, a slight hint of confusion on her face. I didn’t exactly need the maths lesson; I was more taken aback by how much was on there. There was no way Elijah did that on purpose–they must have inputted the wrong amount and he didn’t catch it.
I thanked the cashier and put the gift card back in my purse. I would be seeing him at dinner tomorrow so I would give it back to him then. He could go back to the store and try to get a refund or maybe just buy himself something. This would just be a silly mistake we laugh about someday.