Chapter Fifteen Carys #2
Yesterday, I was so nervous about seeing him, and his reaction to me, that I couldn’t enjoy it.
But now that I’m faced with the prospect of touching him, kissing him, holding him, I feel excited. Finally.
Plus, this will be closer to a normal date than just staring at each other like animals in a zoo.
The mirrored barrier slowly falls, but this time I watch.
There he is.
When I look at his deep brown eyes, the way his stubble glazes his jawline, I feel something. I really do. Happiness, I think. Pride that he chose me back. The kind of warmth in my torso that feels safe.
‘Hi,’ my potential future husband says.
‘Hi,’ I say back. ‘You know, I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to hearing your voice come out of your mouth instead of from around us.’
Thankfully, he laughs at my awkwardness. ‘I know the feeling. And look, we don’t need to rush this. We can take our time, if you’d like? It won’t change how I feel about you. I can wait for you.’
That’s when I know for sure that I was right about everything. Despite all the confusion, he really is my lighthouse in this storm of an experiment. I know without any doubts that Patrick is the thoughtful, kind, beautiful man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
If it was proposal day, I’d get down on one knee right now.
‘I don’t want to wait,’ I say, a huge smile bursting across my face.
Patrick wears a smile that must mirror my own. ‘Then, let’s not.’
I race across the tiny room, pushing myself through the divider hole into his side, and I throw myself into his open arms. He tilts his head down, and I reach up on my tiptoes, and we kiss.
Our first kiss is a collision of lips and tongues and a little bit of teeth, and we laugh giddily through it. It’s a silly kiss, but it’s us. He tastes of sweetness and spice, like a sweet cup of flavourful tea, poured straight from the pot. I know I could kiss him over and over, forever.
I fit against him like we were made for each other.
Everything is so different now I can be close to him and even touch him. Patrick is no longer a voice through a speaker or a face across the room; he’s a living, breathing person. And one who wants to kiss me!
All the feelings I had for him locked in my heart explode, becoming manifest.
I’m so dizzy on him that I force myself to take a step back, so I can look at him up close.
‘Hi again,’ I say.
‘That was one hell of a greeting.’
‘The first of many, I hope?’
‘I hope so too.’
I take his face in my hands, and his eyes soften. ‘I can’t believe it’s you.’
‘I feel like I’ve been waiting for you forever.’
I bring him down to my lips and kiss him deeply.
When we break apart, we press our foreheads together like we are in prayer. A communion of us.
‘Wow,’ he says, lightness dancing in his voice.
We break into giggles again, and I bury my face in his chest. He smells like fresh books and nights in front of the fireplace. This is the smell of home, I think. My home. Our future.
I feel so lucky that our magical first kiss is recorded, so in the future I can watch it whenever I like. I wonder if it looks as wonderful as it feels, like a storybook romance come true.
Patrick breaks our kiss to look at me, tilting my chin up with his hand. His touch is so gentle, and I can’t help but think about him caring for sick or old animals, healing them with his hands.
‘Carys, you know you’re the only woman I’m seeing, don’t you?’
I didn’t actually know this for sure but hearing it out loud fills my heart with hot air.
‘You’re my only date too,’ I whisper, because he needs to know he’s the only reason I’m here.
‘That’s wonderful to hear,’ he says.
We kiss again and I wonder how many kisses you can fit into a happy lifetime.
‘I want you to know that…’ He clears his throat. ‘I have something important I’d like to ask you tomorrow.’
Oh my God. He’s really going to propose to me? Patrick really wants me? Out of every woman he could have, he wants me!
‘I know it’s unconventional to tell someone in advance, but I know you don’t love surprises, and I want you to have the time to think it through, like I have had.’
He’s so kind.
‘You know me so well,’ I swoon.
‘It feels like I do. I hope that I do. I want to spend every day learning as much about you as possible.’ His thumb strokes gently across my bottom lip.
My body is alive with wriggling feelings that I can’t pin down. Excitement yes, nerves, anticipation that I know I have to wait until tomorrow for it to happen, relief that he told me it’s coming.
I’m worried he thinks I’m not excited about it, so I push forward the biggest smile I can. ‘I promise I’ll think about it, though I really don’t need to. I know my answer.’
He smiles so wide that his eyes crinkle just a little in the corners.
And now I understand. All the difficulty, all this strife with trying to cope with being on the show while hiding my autism and getting all confused, this is what it was for. I might have gone through something difficult and upsetting, but I am leaving with a beautiful husband.
And yes, I’m not quite ready to drop the mask with Patrick yet, but when we’re alone at the apartments, I’ll be able to show him a bit more of me.
Their kisses are different, I think idly. Dolly’s were hungrier, like we were trying to devour each other.
I cringe at the thought. Get out of my head.
I kiss him again, not to prove anything to myself, but as a reminder that this is real. He is real. We are real.
‘This is so nice,’ I say purposefully as I nuzzle my face into his neck. His scent fills my senses, driving away any last thought of Dolly from my traitorous brain.
He presses a kiss down on the top of my head and it makes me want to cry in a good way. Relief, I think.
Lord, I’m going to be a mess tomorrow. I’ll need to borrow some waterproof mascara.
Obviously I’ll be saying yes. I don’t think I need to worry about making good decisions any more, at least not while I’m in the arms of the man I could fall in love with.
My future is right here, with Patrick.