Chapter Twenty Carys #4
‘You could have still talked about it.’ Bridget says this a little too quickly. We are all very aware they should know the answer to this.
But she’s right. It’s clear other couples have had a conversation about sex.
We could have talked about it. Shouldn’t we have talked about it by now? I like kissing him, and I’m excited to explore more, but we’ve never been a sexual couple from the off. It’s cute, comfortable.
I look down at my board and write ‘neck kiss’ because that’s probably right. I do like it, as long as no one breathes into my ear as that sensory nightmare makes me think of pigs rooting for truffles.
There are things I like that I’m not going to write down on my board. My co-workers and family don’t need to know I like to watch. Neck kiss is more appropriate.
It’s quite awkward when everyone flips over their boards.
Some of the men are a little too proud, but to my surprise Bridget and Jackson’s answers don’t match – she actually likes dirty talk, not eye contact.
No surprise, though, that Zack and Lina don’t match, even if it seems intuitive that she’d like massage and touch.
Malachi coyly reveals that Whit loves him whispering in her ear, which makes me think too much about mouth sounds.
I knew Dolly would write ‘compliments’. Her ego loves to be flattered, after all.
‘And what did you write, Patrick?’ Lucas asks, waggling his eyebrows. ‘What is Carys’s biggest turn-on?’
I see Dolly wear a small smug smile which is so obvious. I clench my teeth together, knowing my smile is turning grimacey.
I wish she would get out of my head, and also my life while she’s at it.
My oblivious fiancé goes bright red. ‘Aha, well… We haven’t explored that side of things yet, but I know she likes to have her hair stroked as she falls asleep, so I put that.’
‘If it makes her fall asleep, maybe it’s technically a turn-off,’ jokes Dolly.
Everyone laughs and I feel under a spotlight. Why did she have to bring more attention to this? Why did she have to open her mouth?
‘At least my thing is not about my ego,’ I say, trying to keep my voice light and teasing, but I think everyone hears the bite in it.
God, I knew I wouldn’t get the tone right. I try to be really careful about banter. There’s been a few too many times when I was younger that I went too far, without realising.
Not that I care about Dolly’s feelings, but I do care about how it comes across to the public. I feel like she’s rubbing off on me… which is a horrible choice of words.
Still, there’s a chorus of ooos from the other couples. Bridget flashes me an impressed smile.
‘Guess Carys really wants to win that venue. Better catch up then, girlie,’ Dolly jeers. ‘Wait, do you need me to shout? You’re so far behind me after all.’
God, she’s right. One more correct answer, and she wins. I need to get two in a row and her to get them both wrong for me to beat her.
‘Cat fight!’ hollers Zack, which is met with dead silence.
I can’t help the growl that escapes my lips. ‘Be a good sport, Dolly. Lina’s even further behind, so you’re whacking her too.’
Dolly cackles. ‘You’re the one who is pointing it out, you weapon!’
Lina waves her board that has the word massage smeared all over it. ‘Oh, please don’t bring me into this,’ she begs.
‘But she’s disrespecting you, babe,’ says Zack.
‘Stop joining in,’ she hisses at him. I’m pretty sure I catch her add, ‘You’re embarrassing me.’
That’s when I finally turn back to face Patrick, who looks at me like I’m a stranger. And that feels much worse than everything else so far.
‘Well! What a spirited game,’ says Karina, trying to get us all back on track.
Mean-spirited, more like.
‘We have one last question for the ladies about their men,’ Lucas says. ‘Whit and Dolly, if either of you get this right, you and your partner win. If there’s a tie, we’ll go to a bonus round. The rest of you, this is your last chance to catch up, so ya’ll better hope they don’t know this one.’
Karina looks down at her cards and clears her throat. ‘Okay, this might be a tricky one. Ladies, what does your man say is his biggest fear?’
God, I have no idea. Patrick is so steady that I can’t imagine him saying anything. I pick mice and hope for the best.
Apparently it’s heights.
‘I’m a vet.’ He seems upset I might accuse him of being scared of a patient, like it’s a professional slight.
As awful as it is, I can only focus on the fact that I got it wrong and so haven’t moved forward.
Somehow, Whit is the only person who correctly guesses that Malachi’s greatest fear is ‘falling down a well and no one hearing me and getting stuck there for so long I have to eat my toes’ which is weirdly, verbatim, what he has written on his board.
Together, they step forward to the blue line, and seal their win with a kiss. I guess they really do know each other well, or have a psychic connection because that was highly specific.
‘Congratulations, Whit and Malachi, our winners!’ cries Karina excitedly.
Dolly and Warren take second place, Bridget and Jackson tie for third with Patrick and me.
Lina and Zack come in last place. ‘Oh well,’ Lina laughs and drops her board to the floor. ‘I’ve never really been one for winning.’
I can’t help but notice the tension in Zack’s body, the tightness of his mouth.
‘Me either, babes,’ sighs Bridget. ‘Hopefully we still get to pick somewhere good.’
‘Speaking of which,’ Lucas says, ‘Whit and Malachi, do you know which venue you’d like to secure?’
‘Well, obviously we’d like to reserve the church, wouldn’t we?’ Whit smiles adoringly at Malachi.
Malachi drops his voice, and holds her so tenderly. ‘Are you sure? I want it to be special for you.’
Whit kisses him on the tip of his nose. ‘I love you for pausing to check that. But yes. Let’s get married there!’
The Nguyens applaud as Whit and Malachi embrace, and I feel a hollow ache in my chest as I look at them, so deeply in love. They seem to take in every piece of each other. I’m not sure anyone else has built a relationship that even comes close to their intuitive bond.
When I look at Patrick, do the others see the same kind of love? Patrick looks at me like I’m sunshine, but not like I’m the world. I can shine on him, even blind him a little to what I am. But all I really want is for him to see everything of me, and still want to stay.
God, I’m so tired. I’m so tired that I want to go lie down and cry and not sit here listening to everyone who beat us talk about their wedding venue of choice.
I’m steeling myself for the punch when the Nguyens ask Dolly and Warren what their choice is.
To my surprise, and apparently Dolly’s, Warren says, ‘If it’s alright, we’d like to check a couple of things before we decide? There was lots of good information about logistics, so we just want to check some things first.’
Are they allowed to do this? I can’t tell if it would be worse to prolong this situation or just get it over with now.
Either way I feel like I’m going to pass out from standing up and trying for so long, and the fire in my brain runs straight to my mouth.
‘So we have to sit in limbo while you make up your minds?’ I say before I can hold back the words, and I hate the look that passes over Patrick’s eyes.
‘Sorry, I—’ I stumble with hot shame flushing my face. God, why did I speak?
‘We’ll try and be quick about accommodating your wants while we check accessibility of the event space,’ Dolly says, smiling a little too wide. ‘I don’t want to put you out.’
‘That’s not what I meant, and you know that, Dolly,’ I insist, my voice turning whiny when I wanted it to be firm, confident, honest. I can’t get control of myself.
Work-Carys won’t appear. Girlfriend-Carys is gone.
I can’t find the right mask to slip onto my face.
I feel a frog lodge in my throat, and light whitens, like someone turned up the sun.
Dolly looks like she’s about to say something else, when Warren calmly interrupts, ‘I understand. We’re cool. We will let you know as soon as we’ve made a decision.’
The Nguyens wrap up the challenge and make us give each other a half-hearted round of applause, but I am barely there. I don’t process any of it. When they tell us the cameras are off, I sprint to the bathroom to vomit up all the feelings bursting through my skin.