Chapter 42
HARPER
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
From the second I’d woken up alone, I’d known something was off. I could feel it. And not only because it was so different from how Levi and I had been spending our mornings—waking up together, sipping our coffee in between stolen kisses before heading off for the day. So ridiculously domestic, it was achingly sweet.
Finding his side of the bed empty hadn’t immediately sent me into worst-case scenarios like it had that first morning after we’d slept together. I’d figured he’d left a note somewhere, maybe a text. But when I didn’t find either, I shrugged it off and figured he’d get in touch at some point.
When late afternoon had rolled around and I still hadn’t heard from him, I’d decided to take matters into my own hands. Levi didn’t like to talk about things, and it was clear from his silence that something was bothering him. I wanted to do what I could to help.
I’d been able to feel the change in the air when I’d walked into his workshop. Could practically see the sadness and grief hanging on his shoulders like shackles chaining him down. My first instinct had been to comfort him. Let him know that whatever he was going through, I was here to go through it with him.
And now, seeing Patrick McKenzie standing at what I’d deduced was the yearly memorial Levi and his siblings held for their mom, I knew I’d made the right choice.
Levi’s body stiffened under my hand as soon as his gaze landed on his father. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“You should go, Dad,” Brady tried again, his tone firmer than it had been before. “Come back another time.”
“Listen to Brady,” Levi said, nothing but ice in his tone. “Run away and hide. We all know how fucking good you are at that.”
Patrick fidgeted where he stood, his fingers tugging on the hem of his shirt, but his voice was strong when he said, “I know you might find it hard to believe, but I loved your mom, too. I deserve to remember her.”
Levi was on his feet before I even knew what was happening, stabbing a finger in Patrick’s direction. “You don’t deserve shit, and you and I both know exactly why.”
Patrick cleared his throat. “I wanted to talk to you. Talk to everyone.”
“And you chose today of all days to corner us?” Levi yelled.
“I’ve been trying to?—”
“What, make this better? Came to try to make amends?” Levi scoffed. “Or were you hoping to somehow make me forget I’m the reason Mom’s dead?”
At Levi’s words, my mouth dropped open in disbelief as gasps sounded around me, my shock mirrored in everyone else.
“What?” Addison stood and took a step toward Levi. “That’s not?—”
“True? No, it is. Isn’t that right, Dad? It’s true all because I trusted my drunk, worthless father to deliver a message.” Levi huffed out a laugh. “Do you want to tell them what happened instead, or should I?”
Patrick cleared his throat, his face flushed a deep red, though not from anger. “I passed out.”
“Like usual,” Levi agreed. “And I went off and did whatever the fuck I wanted while trusting you to do what I’d asked, and now Mom’s dead. You and I both know exactly why she was out in a storm. Because she was looking for me…for us.” He tossed a hand in Addison’s direction, but I couldn’t look away from Levi to see her reaction.
I was transfixed by him, by the pain and agony etched across every inch of his body, stitched into every single word he spoke. I wanted to go to him more than anything, wanted to comfort him as he so very clearly needed. Especially if he believed what he was saying…
My God, had he been carrying this around with him for eleven years?
“Levi,” Addison said, her voice strained. “That’s not true. You aren’t to blame for Mom’s death.”
“I was the one who left, Addison,” he shot back. “I was the one who put all my faith in a father who’s done nothing but let us down. And because of it, she’s not here anymore.”
“But I was the one who wanted to leave that night. I asked you to take me. Do you blame me, too?” Addison asked, her voice challenging and firm even through her tears.
“What?” Levi asked as he snapped his gaze toward his sister, pure devastation written on his face. “God, no. Never.”
“Then why do you blame yourself?”
“Because it’s the truth! It’s my fucking fault. I should have known better than to give Dad a message for her when he was already halfway drunk. I should have waited around. I shouldn’t have gone in the first place. She’d already told me not to go out, and I was so sure I knew better that I ignored her and I left anyway.”
“You didn’t ignore her, man,” Chase said, his voice soft but sure as he held Addison against him. “We didn’t go to that party.”
“That didn’t matter. That was exactly why she was out on that boat, trying to get to us before the storm did.”
“Son, if you just?—”
Levi spun on his dad, the level of his restraint showing in every inch of his coiled body. “Don’t you dare fucking call me that. I’m not your son. My dad left all of us during the hardest years of our lives. We buried him the same day we buried Mom. So you don’t get to come back here now, clean-shaven and with your gold chip from AA, and slide in like you never left. Because you fucking left. Long before Mom did. And then I took her from us all.”
With every tortured word that fell from his lips, my heart broke a little more for him, my tears a near-constant stream now. Levi had always been stoic, more so now as an adult, but I was watching him shatter right in front of me. Laying bare all the burdens and guilt and self-blame he’d carried on his shoulders for so long.
It was something he shouldn’t have had to carry at all, let alone by himself.
Brady stood and strode toward Levi with intention, his voice low and firm. “Mom’s death wasn’t your fault.”
“It was my choice to leave that night. My choice to storm off like a fucking child because I couldn’t get my way.”
“You were a child. A punk kid no different from any of the rest of them. You were nineteen years old, Levi. That’s when you’re supposed to make mistakes and figure shit out. That’s when you’re supposed to fuck up.”
“My fuckup cost our mom her life!” Levi yelled. “My choice means she’s dead. She’s not here to wake us up by dancing. She’s never going to bake chocolate chip cookies again or plant flowers or walk along the beach. And her grandchild is never going to know her. Because of my choice.”
“No, because of her choice. She chose to go out that night, even knowing it was a bad idea. Stop blaming yourself for something Mom chose to do. It wasn’t your fault.” Brady cupped Levi by the back of his neck and tugged him close, their foreheads nearly touching. “It wasn’t your fault.”
Levi fisted the front of Brady’s shirt, his tone steeped in anguish. “Why wasn’t it me? It should’ve been me.”
A sob slipped free at Levi’s words, and I held a hand over my mouth, trying in vain to hold back my tears as I watched the man I loved break down in the arms of the only father figure he’d ever had. Levi collapsed into Brady, gripping him tightly and burying his face in his shoulder as sobs racked his body, all while Brady murmured something too low to hear.
Almost as one, his siblings strode toward them, each of them gathering around Brady and Levi and holding them in a tight embrace. This moment was so private, so raw, I felt like an interloper for witnessing it. But the knowledge that Levi wanted me here kept me rooted in the spot.
At least until several moments later when Patrick took a step toward his children, and now was not the time for him to be here.
Without hesitation, I walked toward him, placing myself between Levi and the man who’d made so many mistakes in his life. The one who probably had no idea who I was, despite how often I’d been at the resort when I was younger. Whether he was trying to make amends now didn’t matter. Not right now.
Even through my tears, I held up my hand to stop him in his tracks, making my voice as firm as I could. “You need to leave. Now isn’t the time for you to do this.”
“But I?—”
“No,” I cut in, my tone harder this time. “This isn’t about you. This is about them and what they need to work through together. They’ve been doing it their whole lives. They don’t suddenly need you added into the mix.”
For several moments, he absorbed my words before pressing his lips together and nodding. After swallowing several times and glancing out at the ocean, he croaked, “Yeah, you’re right. You’re right.”
“Find another way to tell him what you need to, but don’t ambush him. He deserves better than that. And his father should have known it.”
Patrick gave another nod, glancing once more at his children before walking away, and I breathed a sigh of relief, grateful I’d been able to protect Levi from this, at least.
I turned around to find my friends standing together, watching their persons hold one another up while breaking down. I made my way over and stood next to Chase, who immediately wrapped an arm around my shoulders and tugged me into his side.
“I knew it was bad, but I didn’t know it was this bad.” His voice broke on the last word, and he cleared his throat. “I didn’t know he’s been carrying this on his shoulders for years.”
I shook my head, unable to speak but wanting him to know it was the same for me. And I had no idea how to help Levi navigate this. But I knew, without a doubt, I was going to do everything in my power to try.