Chapter 43
LEVI
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
After everything Harper had seen on the beach, I knew she had questions. And I knew it was far past time for me to open up about the demons that had been plaguing me for years. But I was too raw right now, too exposed. The truths that had been buried inside me for so long were now dislodged, jagged and sharp, but still present. Still there.
And right now, after everything that had happened, all I wanted was her and the reminder that she was mine.
For now, she was mine.
More than anything, I wanted—needed—the comfort of her arms tonight. The comfort only she could provide.
Harper seemed to sense that I didn’t want to talk, being silently supportive as we made our way back home. The thought jolted me. I hadn’t thought of a place as home in so long. The house I’d grown up in, had made so many memories in, had been haunted by ghosts that plagued me whether I was there or not.
But this space, with her? Felt like home.
I shut the apartment door behind us, but Harper didn’t let me step another foot into the space before she turned on me.
She pressed her hand against my chest, directly over my heart, directly over her sparrow, and looked up at me. Really looked, her eyes searching for something I wasn’t sure I could give her. Finally, she whispered, “What do you need from me?”
No hesitation, no judgment. Just the unequivocal promise in her voice that no matter what it was, no matter what I asked for, she would give it to me.
The problem was, I needed everything from her. I needed to be her first hello in the morning and her last kiss goodnight. Needed that bright smile she shot my way every time her eyes landed on me. Needed her laughter and her hugs and her whispered words. The cuddles on the couch I didn’t ever want with anyone else.
I needed her everything.
But I couldn’t tell her that. Not with words. I couldn’t lay everything out for her and let her see into the darkest crevices of my mind. Not after everything that had happened tonight. Not when she was leaving next week. So instead, I laid myself bare as best I could…let her think I meant only the physical.
“You,” I said. “I just need you right now.”
She wrapped her arms around my neck and tugged me into a hug, embracing me with her entire being. It was one of the things I loved most about her. She put her whole body into it, made me feel like I was the only person in the world.
I buried my face in her neck, breathing her in as I held her to me. So grateful we had this time, no matter how fleeting it was. Lifting her feet off the floor, I tapped her ass so she’d wrap her legs around my waist. And then I strode us both toward the bedroom, her lips already on mine.
We stripped each other slowly, the usual frenzy between us absent. In its place was something softer. Something sweeter…something more intimate. And I sank into it. I felt it. Felt her and allowed myself to be vulnerable enough so she could feel me, too.
We didn’t speak as I sank inside her, nothing more than soft gasps and groans as we linked our fingers and moved together. But I allowed my body to say what I couldn’t yet voice.
I was in love with this woman, had been my entire life. So fucking devoted to her. And it no longer mattered if I thought I wasn’t good enough, because she deserved someone who strived to be. She deserved someone who worked through their issues, exorcized their demons, and became better. For her.
And I was sure as hell going to try.
The room was bright when I finally stirred the next morning. I woke slowly, my body heavy and my mind an unfocused mess of thoughts, except the one that never failed to greet me with complete clarity, day in and day out.
It should have been me.
I reached for Harper, finding her side of the bed not only empty but cold. In the time she’d been staying here, especially since she’d begun sleeping in my bed, she’d never once woken up before me. Usually, I’d slip out of bed after brushing a kiss on her shoulder and head into the main room to read or screw around until I heard her shuffling in here. Then I’d prep her morning coffee, just how she liked it, and set it out for her. She’d come out, bleary-eyed and beautiful, and shoot me a soft, sleepy smile the second her gaze landed on me.
Seriously, what the fuck did I ever do to deserve this woman, and why wasn’t she lying here with me?
Then, all at once, yesterday came back to me in a rush. Taking Harper with me to the beach. My family reminiscing about Mom. Our father showing up and demanding things he had no right to. Me confessing the secret I’d kept locked up tight for more than a decade, that guilt I’d carried with me like an albatross around my neck.
For so long, I’d hoarded the pain, clinging to the blame I’d placed on myself because I deserved it. I’d tucked it deep inside where no one could see. But yesterday, it had all come out. Every awful, painful secret. Every whispered thought I had—shame and regret pouring out of me once the dam had broken, all for my siblings to witness.
But they hadn’t turned away. They hadn’t yelled or screamed at me for what I’d done. They hadn’t cut me out of their lives. Hadn’t thrown me away like I’d been secretly fearing for years.
Instead, they’d embraced me. Held me as I’d broken down, right there in front of them. And then, they’d tried to take some of the burden I’d been carrying for years. Over and over again, they’d told me it wasn’t my fault. That I shouldn’t blame myself. And that they didn’t—would never—want it to be me.
And Harper had seen it all. She’d heard it all. Every painful word torn from my throat.
Which meant I had nowhere left to hide.
I scrubbed a hand over my face, shame and unease churning in my gut. Yesterday, after she’d witnessed me baring my soul, she hadn’t judged me for it. She’d held me close, had let me inside her. We’d fallen asleep curled around each other, no words spoken, but I didn’t think we’d needed them.
Now, though, in the light of day, I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d see things differently since she knew at least part of the truth. Would she still see me as the man she’d once loved, or had I become a stranger to her overnight?
For too long, I lay there, staring at the ceiling and trying to figure out how to share this gaping, festering wound with her. But the truth was, there was no easy way. No polish I could put on this stain inside me, nothing to make it shine. These thoughts were the most difficult parts of me, like tar coating my insides, and there was no way to make them anything but ugly.
When I could no longer make excuses for why I hadn’t gotten up, I finally rolled out of bed, pulled on a pair of sweatpants, and strode out into the kitchen. Prepared to handle whatever questions Harper threw at me, because she deserved the truth.
But instead of badgering inquiries or cool detachment, she greeted me with troubled eyes and a tentative smile. My beautiful girl worrying about me.
I walked over to where she sat at the breakfast bar, cupped my hand around her neck, and pressed my thumb under her chin to tip her face up to me. Though it was clear she tried, she couldn’t hide the concern etched across her features, that divot between her brows, or the worry in her eyes.
She rested her hands on my hips, her thumbs brushing lightly back and forth against my skin just above my waistband. “Morning.”
I leaned down, pressing my lips to hers and pouring as much love into the kiss as possible. Because I’d been right last night. Now was not the time to tell her how I felt. Actually, never was the time to tell her how I felt, despite it thrumming like its own heartbeat inside me.
She was set to leave in just days, and it wasn’t fair of me to pile that on her before she went. Not when this was the life she’d chosen. Not one that had been chosen for her.
Finally, I pulled back even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. “Morning, sparrow.”
After dropping one more soft kiss on her lips, I sat on the stool perpendicular to her and raised a brow at the steaming cup of coffee in front of me. “Isn’t this my job?”
She smiled at me. “You’re not the only one who’s been paying attention to coffee orders.”
I lifted the cup to my mouth, hiding a grin behind it, and took a sip. One sugar and more than a splash of cream, exactly how I liked it. “Thank you. I’m not used to sleeping this late, but I guess I needed it.”
And now that I’d acknowledged it, the pink elephant was front and center in the room. No more avoiding.
Clearing my throat, I set the mug on the counter and wrapped my hands around it before forcing myself to meet her eyes, afraid of what I’d find. But all that greeted me was worry. “I’m sure you want answers after yesterday.”
She shook her head and reached out, curling her fingers around my forearm. “You don’t owe me anything.”
I huffed out a laugh and shook my head. “Next to my family, I owe it to you the most.”
She darted her gaze over my face, though I wasn’t sure what she was looking for. Finally, she said, “Then talk to me. Tell me as much or as little as you want.”
“I don’t even know where to start.”
“How about at the beginning?”
That made the most sense, but it also meant telling her about that night—the night I simultaneously tried never to think about and yet couldn’t ever shove out of my mind. The one that filled my nightmares, a never-ending loop of not being able to get to Mom in time, her not hearing me scream for her from the shore, her not seeing me when I was standing right next to her. In my nightmares, it didn’t matter what I did. She still ended up dead.
“I was so fucked up that night. Pissed at the world and taking it out on everyone,” I finally said, shaking my head. “I wanted to go to some stupid party on one of the islands because I wanted to get wasted and block out everything.”
She furrowed her brow. “What was going on? What happened that day that you needed to avoid?”
I thought back to it, before the worst had happened. Could recall the exact emotions swimming in my gut. Relief and regret and complete hopelessness, because I’d known it was over. For real and for good.
“It was the day the sold sign went up in your yard.” I braced my forearms on the counter and glanced over to her. “I’d been the one to push you away, but part of me hoped you’d come back. That day, I knew you were never going to. And even though it was exactly what I wanted for you, it still hurt like hell.”
I cleared my throat, staring into my coffee mug as I relived the worst twenty-four hours of my life. “Mom and I got in a fight about it. I wanted to pick up Chase and head over on the boat, but a big storm was coming. She told me I knew the rules, and what made me think she was going to allow me to break them? And I…” I shook my head, recalling every cruel word I’d said to her. Each one like a knife in my heart. “I was a complete asshole. I told her it was stupid that I was nineteen years old and still living by Mommy’s rules. That I was a fucking adult and should be treated like one. That I should be able to do whatever I wanted.” I huffed out a humorless laugh. “I actually said that to her. Just before I told her it was all bullshit and stalked off. I didn’t know that’d be the last time I’d ever see her.”
Tears filled my eyes, and I didn’t even bother trying to hold them back. It was no use, not when I was talking about this. Harper kept her hand on my forearm, the soft brush of her thumb against my skin soothing in a way that allowed me to continue.
“She left to run an errand in town, and I ignored her when she knocked on my door to tell me. While she was gone, Addison asked me to take her to Morgan’s—you remember she and Chase’s sister were close back then? Anyway, since I couldn’t go to the party on the island, Chase’s was the next best place. So I agreed. I told Dad to let Mom know where we were. I’d never trusted him with anything in my life, but I was still so fucking mad at her and too goddamn stubborn for my own good. The next morning, I got a wake-up call from Brady at the Lockharts’, and he told me to come home immediately.”
I swallowed several times, attempting to force back the emotions clawing their way up my throat, but there was no escaping them. Nowhere left to run. “The second I walked into the house, I knew something was wrong. For one thing, all my brothers were there. They’d all moved out by then, and not even Mom’s blueberry muffins could get them there before 8. And then I spotted my dad on the couch. His arm was hanging over the side, mouth wide open, completely dead to the world. And I knew. I just knew Mom had never gotten my message.”
“But you have to know that wasn’t your fault,” Harper said, her voice rough. “Your dad didn’t deliver it. But you tried, Levi.”
“What I did was pawn it off on the man I’d always known I couldn’t count on. And I was right. The one time I tried, we paid the biggest price.”
Harper made a gruff sound in her throat, and she squeezed my arm. “I’m so sorry you’ve been carrying this, but it’s not your burden to bear.”
“If not mine, then whose? For years, I’ve asked myself so many questions, trying to figure out why it happened the way it did. Why did she have to run into town? If she’d been home, I could’ve told her myself. And why didn’t she call the Lockharts to see if Addison and I were there before she took off on the water? Why was her first instinct that I’d fucked up? That I’d done exactly what she’d specifically told me not to?”
But I already knew the answer to that, because I’d been fucking up for years by then. Ever since I’d pushed Harper away, I’d been drunk or high or both, doing what I wanted whenever I pleased with little regard for the rules my mom had set out. With little regard for anything at all.
“Levi…” Harper said, the heartbreak clear in her voice. No doubt because she realized exactly how fucked up I was. After everything I’d shared, finally believing I was the one to blame. “I don’t know why your mom did what she did that night, and we never will. You and I both know I did not grow up with a shining example of loving parents. But I did feel that here, with her. That was why I was drawn to you and your family in the first place. Even when I was ten years old, I could see how much she loved you. She would’ve done absolutely anything for you.”
She reached for my hand and held it between hers, squeezing gently until I met her eyes. “So there’s not a doubt in my mind that when she came home and found you and Addison missing while a storm was raging, her first thought wasn’t rational. Her first and only thought was getting you home safely because she loved you both beyond reason.”
Her words sank in, an avenue I’d never allowed myself to venture down. Because if that was true, that meant my mom died because she’d loved me too much. And the last words I’d ever said to her were This is bullshit.
“Why does that make it so much worse?” I asked, voice breaking. “That night at Chase’s was the last time I got blackout drunk. Because I don’t deserve to dull this pain. Not after what I did. And I’ve sat with it every moment of every day since. Wondering the entire time why my mom’s dead and not me. Wanting it to be me.”
With tears brimming in her eyes, Harper stood and cupped my jaw in her hands, tipping my face back to hers. “Oh, Levi.”
Then, without a word, she wrapped her arms around me and held me tight while I fell apart for the second time in as many days.
When I was wrung out, feeling like little more than a husk of a human being, Harper and I lay on our sides on the couch, our legs entwined. One of her hands resting on my chest, the other on the small of my back as I held her close. I pressed my nose to the crown of her head and breathed her in, taking her scent deep into my lungs. So grateful she hadn’t bailed when everything had come tumbling out of me. So grateful she was still here with me.
“How’re you feeling?” she asked, her breath soft against my chest, her fingers tickling lightly on my back.
“Like I’ve been run over a couple times.” I reached up and brushed her hair back, tipping her head so I could look into her eyes. “How’re you feeling? I dumped a lot on you.”
Tears filled her eyes, and she bit her bottom lip as it started to wobble.
“Sparrow…” I kissed her trembling lip, searching her eyes. “What is it?”
“I’m scared. For you. Scared of what the future might bring. Scared you’ve been struggling with this for so long. Struggling alone. I know our traumas are vastly different, and the grief of losing a mother you loved versus losing the life I never wanted to have are two very different things. But therapy helped me come to terms with it. And I think it’d help you, too. Not just to deal with the grief of losing your mom but to get a handle on these intrusive thoughts. Because as much as I want to take them from you or magically wipe them away, I know I can’t. But I also don’t want to lose you.” Her voice broke on the last word, the tears finally spilling over, and my heart cracked in two. Just split straight down the middle.
“You’re not going to lose me, sparrow. I promise. I’m going to be here as long as you want me.” I caught her tears with my lips, pressing a kiss to both her cheeks, her eyes, then her forehead. “It’s hard to explain, but my thoughts have never been active. I’ve never planned anything out, never taken it past contemplations. I swear I haven’t.” I cleared my throat, readying myself to say aloud what I never had before. “But you’re right. I do need help. These thoughts have run my life for so long, I don’t remember what it was like before them.”
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and navigated to an email I’d had saved for years. One I pulled up a couple times a month but never went any further with. I handed my phone to Harper and watched her scan the contents, realization lighting in her eyes. “Marianne sent me a list of therapists a few years ago. Back before I was in a place to listen.”
Back before I thought I deserved any kind of help.
But between my siblings and Harper, I now wondered if that had only been a lie I told myself. And while I couldn’t yet shake the feeling that I still deserved to carry this burden, I was at least now open to the possibility of someone changing my mind.
And at this point, that was as good as I could do.
With a soft smile, Harper wrapped her arms around me and squeezed tight. “I think that’s a great first step.”