Chapter 17 Jules
JULES
I wanted to be understanding. To show some compassion.
I tried to recall the thoughts, fears, and worries that went through my head a week ago and over the days since, leading up to this moment.
There hadn’t been any emotion I hadn’t experienced, so I suspected it was very much the same for Beau at this precise moment.
But while logic made it possible for me to draw that conclusion, my heart was in pieces.
This was brutal.
Being on this side of it, sharing the news with him, and having no idea what he was thinking was akin to torture.
All I wanted, all I desperately needed, since the day I found out I was pregnant was to be wrapped in his arms while he whispered words of encouragement in my ear.
I’d fantasized about that over the last week, too.
Anything.
I’d take anything he could give to reassure me that everything was going to be okay.
But it seemed Beau was struggling. Rightfully so, if I was honest. I didn’t want to be unreasonable about it.
He had the right to take some time to figure out how he felt about something as unexpected and unplanned as this.
I’d sat on my bathroom floor for longer than I now thought was reasonable.
Beau deserved to have the same time to come to grips with it, if he could manage that at all.
All it took was just two words.
With just two words, I’d changed everything.
And the worst part was that I knew it was going to happen the moment they slipped past my lips.
I’d agonized over doing this for the last week, confident it wouldn’t go over well.
But no matter what damage it would do to the very fragile relationship that Beau and I had been trying to repair since just before he left for his demo tour, I had to give him the truth.
Even if it now meant I wouldn’t get to have him the way I wanted, the way he seemed to want me, too.
I wanted to cry harder at the irony of it all.
The moment the man who didn’t believe in love realized he might want to try to go after it, to see if it existed, he gets the shock of a lifetime and learns he’s going to become a dad.
I didn’t know how much time had passed. I wasn’t one of those people who could look up at the position of the sun in the sky and just know what time it was. But I suspected Beau and I had sat there in silence for no less than ten minutes as he digested the life-changing news.
With such disbelief marring his features and caution in his tone, he asked, “You’re pregnant?”
Even though he was no longer smiling at me like he had been when he first walked over to the trampoline, at least Beau wasn’t screaming at me to leave and never contact him again. Processing. He was processing the news, and I thought that was better than simply reacting to it.
And to make it as simple and painless as possible for the both of us, I was going to try to answer his questions with facts and as little emotion or opinions as possible. “I am.”
“How did you find out? How do you know?”
More questions. I’d had plenty of my own, so I could understand this.
And I’d give him what I could to make this easier.
I pulled out one of the pregnancy tests and held it out to him.
“Initially, I took two tests. They both came back positive. The next morning, I took another one, just to be sure. It, too, was positive.”
Beau took the test from me and inspected it. “Okay. Alright.” He nodded his understanding, his eyes dropping to the test again.
With my focus still solely on him, I couldn’t miss the overwhelm and panic that had set in. It seemed he was putting in massive effort to remain calm, to get the facts, and to take this one step at a time.
Beau returned his attention to me and parted his lips to ask another question, but he stopped himself.
“What is it?”
He shook his head. “No. It’s nothing.”
Clear as day, I could see that there was something. “I had a lot of questions, too, Beau. Unfortunately, I had nobody to ask when I learned about this. You do. Just ask me whatever it is.”
He winced as his eyes roamed over my face, like he had a question he wanted to ask but was struggling to verbalize.
It took me a moment, but I realized what was weighing on him. And it hurt. God, it was like taking a knife through my already shattered heart. “You want to know if this baby is yours, but you don’t want to be insensitive. Am I right?”
Beau’s expression turned pained, but he didn’t respond, couldn’t bring himself to utter the words.
For the first time since he’d asked his first question, I responded with a bit more than just simple facts.
Maybe it was the way the doubt he had about me made me feel, but I gave him more information than he needed.
“I won’t lie and say I haven’t gone out in hopes of finding someone after you…
ended things between us weeks ago. But I haven’t been with anyone else since you.
Just some dancing, but that’s all. Not even a kiss. ”
Understanding, acceptance, and dare I say, relief swept over him. “Does anyone else know?”
I shook my head. “No. I thought you should be the first to know. And I’m not entirely sure I’m prepared to tell anyone else just yet. I’ve barely been able to come to terms with this news.”
Except for Beau, who’d been on my mind every day since I’d learned I was pregnant, my thoughts frequently drifted to my family.
I tried to imagine how they’d respond to this news when I finally shared it with them.
The pregnancy would come as a total shock.
But learning that I wasn’t even officially dating the man whose baby I was carrying was a whole other issue.
And to make matters worse, they already had thoughts about Beau, considering he was the reason I shed a tear or two on my birthday.
No sooner would thoughts of my family and their reactions filter into my brain, I’d quickly shove them into the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind.
I’d need to tackle each part of this pregnancy one step at a time.
And for now, sharing the news with Beau, determining where he stood, and figuring out a plan for the two of us moving forward as parents was at the top of that list.
Beau hadn’t let go of my hand and offered a reassuring squeeze. At least, it felt reassuring. Of course, it could have been the way he looked at me and asked the next questions that eased some of the panic I’d been experiencing. “How do you feel? Are you feeling alright?”
Warmth seeped in at that inquiry. “Tired. I’m very, very tired almost all the time.
Other than that, physically speaking, I had a couple of bouts of nausea over the last two weeks, but I’m not sure if that’s the result of the pregnancy itself or simply my nerves from carrying this on my own and needing to tell you. ”
“Have you been to the doctor?”
“Not yet. I have an appointment in two weeks. It was the soonest that would work with my schedule and theirs.”
My response was met with silence. Another long bout of it, too.
Every instinct in my body was screaming at me to get up and shout and demand answers and beg. Beg Beau not to leave me to this on my own. To be willing to walk down this path with me no matter how hard it got.
Even if he chose not to be with me, even if he decided that being both a father and a romantic partner were too much, I would have forsaken the romantic relationship with him to know he’d be in our child’s life, helping to raise him or her.
But I didn’t get up.
I didn’t beg.
I didn’t even squeeze his hand and urge him to look in my direction.
I waited.
I waited, enjoying what might have been the final moments of civility I’d have with him.
I waited, hoping for the best while preparing myself for the worst.
And finally, Beau’s gaze met mine. “For a few days now, I had this homecoming all worked out in my mind. And when I showed up here and saw your car in the driveway while you were relaxing here on the trampoline, I thought to myself that everything I imagined about how my plan to tell you things had changed for me would go down between us was suddenly going to be even better than I thought. Not for one second did I imagine you responding with anything other than pure joy. Maybe that was overconfidence on my part, maybe I was a fool, but I guess I didn’t want to consider the alternative.
What you just shared with me is not at all what I expected.
It’s certainly not what I envisioned would happen when I saw you again. ”
That made two of us.
As I laid on my back while I waited for him to get home, I expected surprise at seeing me when he arrived followed by questions about what I was doing here.
It never crossed my mind that he’d wind up telling me everything I’d wanted to hear from him for weeks.
I wanted to feel happy about it, but I had to stop myself.
It stung that I couldn’t have a genuine reaction to finally hearing those words and knowing he wanted to try with me.
Knowing that Beau had so many reservations about simply being in a relationship, I wasn’t foolish enough to believe that he’d accept the news of my pregnancy and his impending fatherhood like it was no big deal.
It was a huge effort to swallow past the lump that had formed in my throat.
“I’m sorry for ruining what you had planned for us, Beau.
I hate that I can’t even relax enough about this to be able to respond to what you said in the way I want to.
But I’m scared, and I don’t want to give myself false hope.
I want what you came here telling me you wanted.
God, I want that more than anything. But I understand that I just dropped a bomb on you.
And again, I’m sorry for ruining what should have been a joyous moment.
You deserved the respect and decency of the truth instead of having me pretend that this isn’t my reality now. ”
Beau’s brow furrowed, his eyes narrowing, but he didn’t say anything.
I remained silent for a bit, thinking he needed to sort through his thoughts before he could speak. But when too much time passed, I decided to give him a temporary reprieve.
“Look, I sat on my bathroom floor for a very long time after I got those positive tests. It was only your phone call that evening that pulled me out of that fog of disbelief. If there’s one thing I can say, it’s that while I hoped for something different coming here and sharing this news, I didn’t expect any decisions to be made right away.
I can go now, and you can take some time to process this news.
Whenever you’re ready, we can get together and talk about it.
I suspect we still have quite a bit of time to figure things out. ”
Beau continued to study me, his expression giving me no indication of what was happening inside his head.
I pulled my hand from his and was about to get up when I decided to give him one more piece of information.
“You shared something just as tremendous as I did today. I don’t need time to decide how I feel about that.
I want us to have a shot at something special.
I’m thrilled at the possibility. But I think, given what I shared, you need to consider if that’s still how you feel.
Because as much as I want to be selfish, this isn’t about me and what I want anymore.
It’s about this life that’s growing inside me.
Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’ll be waiting. ”
I gave Beau one last long look before I shifted from my seated position and moved to get off the trampoline. But I didn’t get very far before Beau’s fingers curled gently around my wrist. My stunned eyes shot to his, silently questioning him.
“It’s our reality.”
“What?”
His throat moved with a deep swallow. “Before, you said that you shared the news of your pregnancy with me because you didn’t want to pretend that this wasn’t your reality now. I’m telling you that this is our reality.”
My lips parted, and my heart pounded wildly. “Are you… What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I think we need to figure this out.”
I nodded. “Yes. I was going to leave to give you time to consider what you want.”
He tugged lightly on my wrist. “What I want is for you to stay here right now. I don’t want you to go.
I don’t have the slightest clue about what’s in store for either of us, but I know that I’m not going to be the guy who lets you walk off to figure it out on your own.
I’m not going to be the kind of father my father was and pretend like my child doesn’t exist. This absolutely wasn’t part of my plan.
And I’m not sure I’ve ever been more terrified about anything in my life.
But if I feel so lost and confused and scared about it, I can only imagine the fear you must be feeling. ”
Beau urged me closer to him, released my wrist, and framed my face with his hands. Tears filled my eyes, and it was like time had stopped for me. Had I been right about him all along? Was he really the decent guy I suspected him to be from the beginning?
Leaning close, Beau’s eyes drifted shut for a moment, and he inhaled.
Then he looked me square in the eyes and said, “I want you to stay here, so we can figure this out together. Because, for all the things I don’t know about what lies ahead, the one thing I do know is that this isn’t something you’re meant to face on your own.
We’ll do this together, Jules. We might not get it all right, it’s probably going to be messy, and we’re certainly going to make mistakes, but at least we don’t have to do it alone. ”
I couldn’t do it.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t hold back the sob that crawled up my throat. I burst into tears with such immense relief, and Beau, to his credit, gave me precisely what I needed without me even needing to ask for it.
He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me.
And as I sat there sobbing against his chest, my body settled in his lap, I realized he didn’t give himself enough credit. Beau might have thought he didn’t know what he was doing or that he’d make a lot of mistakes, but the way he handled me and this news was far better than I expected.
It was that realization that gave me the first twinge of hope I’d had in a week that everything was going to be okay as long as I had him by my side.