32. SOFIA
32
SOFIA
T he trip back to Newport was pure torture. Ben and I drove to the airfield in strained silence, the betrayal between us like a third person in the car.
In the private plane, the extra space did nothing to relieve the suffocating tension. The atmosphere was thick, loaded with all the words I couldn’t say.
Ben’s face was a stone mask, the business face that he always wore.
When I glanced at him, his eyes were turned away, but whenever I looked out of the window or closed my eyes, I felt the weight of his gaze on me.
When I looked up, he was quick to avert his eyes.
My heart ached. With every moment we didn’t talk, didn’t even look at each other, the cracks in my heart spread like spider veins until it was a brittle piece of throbbing pain that would shatter at any moment.
As if the tension between us wasn’t enough, nausea churned in my stomach. Every slight turbulence twisted my insides and I had to run to the bathroom twice, emptying my already-empty stomach.
It was nothing but dry heaves.
With each retch, it felt like I expelled my heart, my emotions, my betrayal.
When we arrived in Newport, Ben let me get off the plane first.
Ever the gentleman.
He would never treat me badly, no matter how furious he was with me.
I stepped out, and he disembarked after me, marching to the car that waited for him.
A car was ready to take me home, too. But it wasn’t the same car. This was where we parted ways.
When I glanced in his direction, Ben didn’t look at me. He ducked into the car, closed the door, and was lost behind the tinted windows.
I got into my car and gave the driver my address.
Elena was at my apartment when I got home.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“I wanted to welcome you home!” she said and threw her arms around my shoulders.
I held onto her, and just her warmth, her contact, made tears well in my eyes.
When she pulled away and saw my face, she frowned. “What’s wrong?”
My face crumpled, and tears spilled onto my cheeks.
“Everything,” I whispered.
Elena ushered me into my apartment, pushing my bag to the bedroom, and settled me on the couch with a blanket like a mother hen.
“Tea? Coffee? Wine?” she asked from behind my open-plan kitchen counter. “How serious are we talking here?”
“Ginger tea,” I said.
Elena narrowed her eyes at me. “Ginger?”
I nodded. I was sick to my stomach, so terrified I would throw up again.
Elena looked suspicious, but she moved around my kitchen, boiling a kettle on the stove, brewing the tea I needed, and the scent of ginger filled the front room.
She made a cup of coffee for herself, using my machine.
I sat back on the couch with my eyes closed, letting Elena fuss over me, moving around my kitchen, taking charge.
She was such a wonderful friend. She could read me like a book, and she knew something was wrong.
Finally, she came to the living room, handed me my cup of ginger tea, and sat on the couch next to me. She kicked off her shoes and tucked her feet under her. She sipped her coffee, her dark eyes studying my face.
“Are you pregnant?” she asked carefully.
I glanced at her. “What gave it away?”
“The ginger tea. You hate ginger tea.”
I nodded. “I feel so sick all the time, it’s exhausting. And I don’t even stop throwing up when my stomach is empty. It just keeps going.”
“Sofia…” Elena breathed, her face riddled with concern. “The last time I spoke to you, things were going so well with Ben. Is the pregnancy a problem? Why the tears?”
I glanced at her, my tears rolling over my cheeks again. There was so much to tell.
So much that had gone wrong.
I told Elena everything. About the perfection between us, how incredible it had been. And then I’d found out I was pregnant and I didn’t know what to do. How I’d talked to Amy and Ben had overheard it all.
And now he wanted nothing to do with me.
“And the cherry on top is the fact that I’m going to have a baby, so even if I nail the interview for the job with the GNPA, there’s no way I’m going to be able to go to Costa Rica.” The tears came faster, and I sobbed.
“Oh, my Sofe,” Elena said, and she put her coffee down, pulling me against her. I lay against my friend’s chest and cried as she stroked my hair.
I hadn’t realized how awful it all was and how much I’d kept pent up.
I didn’t know how long I’d cried, but finally, my sobs turned to sniffles, and I finally sat up.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“For what?”
“That I’m such a mess when you were here to celebrate with me.”
“I’m here for the good and the bad, Sofia, you know that. Life is ugly and full of surprises, and if I were only around for the good stuff I wouldn’t be much of a friend.”
I was so grateful for Elena. I was so grateful I had friends who were there for me and would be there for me going through all of this. With my family all in Oregon, I would have to do it all alone.
There was no way I was going back home for this. I’d broken away from my family a long time ago, and I’d worked my way up the corporate ladder thanks to hard work and determination. I’d done it all on my own.
And I would figure this out, too. Somehow.
Right now, it all felt so terrifying.
“What’s going to happen now?” Elena asked.
I reached for my tea again. The ginger was soothing.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t know if I can go back to the office.”
“Why not? You don’t work directly with Ben, do you?”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t. I guess that wouldn’t matter. If I still have a job, that is.”
“What makes you think you won’t?”
She was right, of course. Ben was furious with me, but he knew I was pregnant and he was too good to fire me when I had a baby on the way.
Right?
At least I thought he was good enough at his core to be like that and not be spiteful after everything that had happened.
“I think the part that gets to me the most is that he thinks none of this was real. He thinks that I don’t care about him, and he wants nothing to do with me.”
“Why don’t you just talk to him?”
I shook my head. “I tried. If he’s not willing to listen to me, not willing to hear what I have to say, then there isn’t much else I can do.”
Elena shook her head. “It’s not supposed to work this way.”
“What way?”
“With two people madly in love not being together.”
I chuckled dully. “I don’t know if he feels the same about me as I feel about him, anyway. He has such a good poker face, it’s difficult to know where I stand with him.”
Although, when he’d dropped his poker face and I’d seen a side of him that was caring and gentle and beautiful, the person he’d shown me had been so amazing, so loving.
Had all of that been a dream? Had it been an act? Had it been a mistake?
“What’s going to happen now with the baby? Is he going to be involved?”
“I don’t know,” I said flatly. “He said that he would do what he needed to do as the baby’s father, that he wouldn’t just turn his back on the child. I’m not sure what that means.”
Elena shook her head. “I can’t stand parents who only exist in Christmas and birthday cards.”
“I don’t think that’s how he’ll do it,” I said. “He’s still the kind of person who will do the right thing. No matter how much he hates me.” At least I was pretty sure he would do that.
But that didn’t change the fact that I had no idea what to expect in the future. Everything in my life was going to change. Knowing that Ben would send money was a small consolation, but in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t help the pain, the uncertainty, and the fact that this baby was conceived out of love but would grow up on the premise of what Ben believed was a lie.
And a tiny, tiny part of me was resentful, angry that he would send me money but not be involved. Almost like he was buying me off to stay out of his life.
But that was unfair of me to think, wasn’t it?
Elena finally stood. It was getting late.
“I have to take care of a few things,” she said. “But I can come back and spend the night.”
“Oh, it’s okay. You’ve done more than enough listening to me cry over the mess I created all by myself.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Sofe,” Elena said and cupped my cheek. “This is a big deal, but you’re not the only player. It takes two to tango.”
I nodded. It was true. It had taken two.
Two to fall in love.
Two to build a lie.
Two to make a baby.
But it had taken only one to break it off.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come back?” Elena asked. “I can pack a bag and sleep here so you’re not alone.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “Really. I don’t mind being alone. I’ll be okay.”
Elena hesitated before she nodded. “Okay, but if you need me, call me and I’ll be here in a flash.”
“Thank you,” I said. “You’re such an incredible friend.”
I stood, and Elena hugged me again.
“You’re going to be okay. No matter which way this goes. We’ll just take it one day at a time, okay?”
I nodded, and we pulled apart before she walked to my front door. She looked at me one more time, almost unsure to leave me, before she let herself out.
Alone, I let out a breath and collapsed on the couch again.
I could have asked her to stay, but at some point I would be alone, and no matter how many people surrounded me, ultimately, I was in this by myself.