33. BEN
33
BEN
T he four of us had all been adopted at different times in our lives and different times in our parents’ lives, so technically, we were all the same.
We’d come into the Blackwood family as equals, but I didn’t feel like that meant anything.
There were so many times that despite it all, I felt like the black sheep of the family.
I’d been adopted last. That shouldn’t have mattered, but it did.
By the time I’d arrived, the rest had all been around for a while. We were all the same age but they’d all been settled and I was new, unsure, and angry at the world.
Today, when I walked into Blackwood Inc. offices, I was reminded of that. Everyone here felt so settled—Alex was the CEO and fucking good at running the empire. Chris was a prodigy at yacht design, outdoing himself almost every time he created something new, and Daniel was the philanthropist, the unassuming hero amongst us.
And then there was me, the guy who’d lost yet another contract, fucked it all up because I’d had to open my big mouth and lie to Richard about me and Sofia.
The worst part wasn’t the fact that I’d lost the contract—although that already stung like a bitch.
The worst part was that I’d lost Sofia because I’d been stupid enough to fall for her. Stupid enough to get my heart involved when I’d only had one rule: don’t get involved.
I’d broken that rule, and now look where I stood. Broken, my tail between my legs despite the fact I was a Blackwood, and fucking furious with myself because almost all of it was my fault.
Yes, I blamed myself for Sofia not loving me, too. Because after it all, who could love a reject like me?
I stood in front of Alex’s door, trying to figure out what I was going to say.
“Is everything okay, Ben?” Marina asked from her desk. I’d been standing there for too long.
“Yeah,” I said and pushed the door open.
Alex sat behind his desk, phone against his ear.
“I’ll send you those documents as soon as I can, and then we can finalize the deal.” He grinned broadly—the business grin we all knew—and jutted his chin up at me in greeting. He held up his finger. He would be with me in a sec.
I walked to the leather wingback chairs that faced Alex and sat down. I leaned back, crossing my ankle over my knee and interlinked my fingers on my stomach, waiting.
“That’s not a problem,” Alex said into the phone. “We’ve been doing this dance for a long time. You know we’ll figure it out and make it work.” He paused, and then his grin broadened again. “It’s always a pleasure doing business with you.”
He ended the call, put the phone down, and leaned back in his large leather chair.
“Good to see you, bro,” he said when he looked at me. “Good trip back?”
“Can’t complain,” I said. “The plane was fine, as always.”
“Good, good…” Alex watched me with his icy eyes, waiting for me to talk first.
Fuck.
A part of me wished he would ask the questions so I could just give him the answers and get the hell out of dodge. But I was going to have to do the whole thing by myself, wasn’t I? I was going to have to offer the facts willingly.
“So, the contract with Richard Thompson didn’t go through,” I started. I tried to sound nonchalant about it.
“I noticed the documents didn’t come through after you told me you were going to see him. He had a health scare, did that interfere?”
I shook my head. “Only for a moment. He thought it was a heart attack but it turned out it wasn’t that serious.”
“Thank God for that,” Alex said. “Losing a client to something as serious as a heart attack when you’re about to start a new project together can be quite a blow.”
I nodded slowly. Alex watched me, again waiting for me to talk.
“I botched it,” I admitted. Better to bite the bullet and get it over with than to dance around the fact and draw this shit out. Alex was going to find out one way or another and it was better that he heard it directly from me.
Alex frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I’m the one that fucked it up,” I said again. How many fucking ways did he want me to say it? I was a failure, I ruined our chances, I was the shame of Blackwood Inc.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Alex asked when I didn’t offer any more information than that.
I sighed. “Not really, but I have a feeling I won’t have a choice.”
Alex raised his eyebrows, and I dropped the sarcasm.
“I lied to Richard,” I said. “I told him Sofia and I were married.”
“What!” Alex cried out. “What the hell were you thinking?”
“He was so serious about family and the real values behind wanting to help people. He kept talking about his late wife and how they’d been a team, and it just… slipped out.”
“Jesus, Ben,” Alex said under his breath and turned his face toward the window. “What the hell.”
“I know, I know,” I said. “Sofia went along with it, though. She was pissed, of course, but she knew that if we came clean right away and she threw me under the bus, the project wouldn’t happen at all, and she wants it to happen. So she played the part.”
Alex shook his head as I told him about the dinner we had together, the time we spent with Richard as a couple, and how he was so serious about signing because he believed that we were the kind of team he and his wife had been.
“I don’t even know what to say,” Alex said. “What went wrong?”
I racked my mind to try to figure out the answer to that question. What exactly had gone wrong?
The truth had come out, for one. The fact that Sofia didn’t love me when I’d already been in love with her.
But fucked if I was going to admit that to Alex.
“Richard found out,” I finally said. That was the truth. “He pulled the plug, and that’s pretty much that. I’m sorry.”
Alex shook his head. “It’s a disappointment, but it’s okay. We’ll figure something out, find another location. Another investor. I want to expand, so we’ll do it somehow.” He glanced at me. “How did Richard find out?”
“Does it matter?”
Alex hesitated. “No… I just haven’t seen you this worked up over something. It’s a pity about the project, but you’re usually the type that will say if it’s done, then leave it behind. And you seem… upset.”
I shook my head. “It’s just that a lot of people out there need help, and now they’re not going to get it.”
“What do you mean?” Alex asked with a frown.
“Sofia pointed it out to me. The town really needs rejuvenation. They really need a lifeline, something that will help them back up after they’ve been knocked down for years. She’s so serious about helping people, Sofia. She doesn’t care about the money. Her pay is pretty great, of course, because she’s fucking good at her job here, but when you see her out there between the people, reaching out to those in need, simply because it’s the right thing to do…”
I stopped talking, realizing that my thoughts had trailed off from the main topic we were discussing.
Alex studied my face. His expression had changed to something I didn’t quite recognize. It looked almost like… sympathy.
“Ben… are you in love with her?”
I snorted. “Who do you think I am? You know me. I don’t do love.”
“No,” Alex said. “You don’t. But the way you’re talking about her. The way you describe what’s important to her…”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said, brushing Alex off. “She doesn’t love me, so it’s a moot point.”
“Why don’t you tell me what happened?” Alex asked. “And I’m not talking about the business side of things. I’m not talking about Richard and the contract and the project. Tell me about Sofia.”
I hesitated. Was I really going to lean on my brother, tell him what went on in my head, in my heart? We’d never had this kind of relationship. Alex and I had always been rivals. He’d been the first to get adopted, he’d been the strong one, the one to be chosen to run the company. I’d always seen him as the guy I needed to beat if I were ever to have some worth.
But the way he looked at me now wasn’t with disdain, disappointment, or frustration. The way he looked at me now was like he really cared.
“I don’t know, man.” I sighed. “It’s complicated.”
“Women always are.”
“I just thought it was real, you know? I thought she loved me, too.”
“And you’re sure she doesn’t?”
“Pretty damn sure.” I scoffed. “She said so herself.”
Alex raised his eyebrows. “She told you that?”
“Well… no. She told Amy that.”
“And you overheard?”
“Yeah.”
Alex was silent for a moment, studying my face while he was thinking, and his scrutiny made me squirm.
“Look, it doesn’t matter, anyway,” I said. “It’s not like I’m cut out for a relationship, it’s not like love is for me.”
“Why not?” Alex asked.
“Because I’m not like you,” I blurted out. “I’m not the guy who has it all, smooth and charming and the catch of a lifetime. I’m the fuckup who didn’t belong anywhere, the scum, the runt off the streets.”
The words had just tumbled out before I’d managed to stop them, and as I said them, Alex’s eyes widened more and more.
“Is that what you think of yourself?”
My chest suddenly felt tight, the office felt like it was closing in on me, and I wanted to escape.
“No,” I said tightly.
“Ben… you’re not the runt or the fuckup. You’re one of us. You’re an equal one of us four brothers. Without you, we wouldn’t be the family we are.”
“If my family wanted me, if I was worth keeping, I wouldn’t be here in the first place,” I said through gritted teeth, trying to find some anger and hold on to that instead of melting into an emotional mess.
“If your family was worth it, you would be with them, but they were pieces of shit who didn’t understand what it meant to be a parent. There’s nothing wrong with you, Ben. It’s all on them. They were the ones who fucked up and let you go.”
I shook my head, not knowing what to say.
“Look, before I met Charlotte, I didn’t think I was worth much, either.”
I blinked at Alex. “Really?” It was tough to imagine that the almighty Alex Blackwood hadn’t thought he was worth it.
“Yeah. My parents abused me. They beat me up so bad that the state had to take me away, and I was convinced that that horrible abuse was in my bloodline, that I would be like that, too.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I’d never seen this side of Alex, never heard him be this open and vulnerable.
“Charlotte showed me that where I come from doesn’t have to define me. It can shape me, but I choose who I want to be in the end. And I choose to be a good, guiding father to Tommy. And to the next children we have.”
I shook my head. It was a lot to take in, information overload, and I had to sort it all in my mind.
“Not everyone finds their happy ending, Alex,” I finally said. “Not everyone gets to be happy and I’m not like you. I won’t find my Charlotte.”
“Ben… maybe you already have.”
I snorted, trying to shrug it off, but fuck it, my emotions were so damn close to the surface I was a ticking time bomb, and everything Alex had said just pushed me closer and closer to the edge of a breakdown.
“I thought she loved me, too,” I said, my voice hoarse. “I don’t know how to deal with the fact that she doesn’t. I don’t know how to pick myself up again when before, I never let myself fall in the first place.”
“What made you think she felt the same?” Alex asked carefully.
“Just… everything. The way she looked at me. The way she touched me. The way she saw into me, seeing a different person than the asshole I love to portray on the outside.”
Alex chuckled at that. “Oh, we all know that guy pretty well.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, well, she saw past all of that. And then… it all turned out to be a lie.”
“Maybe you should talk to her, Ben,” Alex said.
I shook my head. “And say what?”
“The truth,” Alex said. “Tell her what you told me.”
“No way,” I said. “I’m not baring my soul a second time, and there’s no way in hell I’m telling someone that shit if they don’t even care about me.”
But deep down, I understood what Alex was saying and maybe, just maybe, he was right.
But to believe that there was a chance I could be happy was dangerous.
I’d built a house of cards based on the fact that I was invincible, and if I admitted I wasn’t, and it wasn’t reciprocated, that house of cards would come falling down.
And if it did? What then?