34. SOFIA
34
SOFIA
A knock sounded at my door, and when I opened it, Amy stood there, smiling brightly.
"Hi!" she said, her voice light.
“Oh, what a surprise. What are you doing here?”
We’d been texting back and forth a few times, and we’d planned a night in at my place, but it wasn’t time for that yet.
“I’m here to take you out of your apartment and your head.”
I smiled and ran my hands through my hair. I’d been lying on the couch all day, with half of my concentration on a television show and the other half wallowing in self-pity about my life.
“I don’t know… I don’t have a lot of energy.”
“Then we’ll rest when you need to rest.”
I hesitated again, but Amy’s bright eyes and expectant face won me over.
“Okay,” I said. “Just let me get into something suited for outside.”
Amy giggled and walked into my apartment, waiting on the couch while I put on jeans and a top, throwing on a patent leather jacket over it and pulling on boots.
“Ready?” Amy asked when I reappeared in the living room, looking a lot better than before. I’d even run a brush through my hair.
“Yeah,” I said. “For now, I still fit into these jeans, so I should wear them while I can, right?”
“We should go pregnancy clothes shopping sometime,” Amy said.
I shook my head. I wanted to protest, but the truth was I would need it. I couldn’t just make my pregnancy go away by ignoring it.
“We’ll see.”
Amy smiled at me. She was being upbeat on purpose, not giving me a chance to be down or miserable. I knew what she was doing, and I appreciated it.
Even though a part of me was exhausted and I didn’t want to play along.
We left my apartment, and Amy looped her arm through mine.
“How have you been?”
“I’ve been sick a lot,” I said. “I can’t seem to keep anything down right now.”
“I’ve heard it gets better by the second trimester. Have you been to see a doctor yet?”
“No,” I said, embarrassed. I might have been hoping that if I ignored the pregnancy, it really would go away.
“You should do that. You need a couple of things, and you can’t just pretend that everything is going to go on like normal.”
I sighed. “Yeah, I know. I’ll have to do something soon. I just… don’t feel ready for any of it.”
“I know,” Amy said sympathetically, although there was no way she could possibly know. But I appreciated her being here and trying to reach out to me.
We got into her car, and she drove through the streets of Newport.
“Where are we going?”
“There’s an artisan market not too far, and I want to see what the stalls have to offer. Besides, they have pretty great food at these places too, and damned if I’m not going to try every single one of whatever they’ve got.” She chuckled.
I smiled despite myself.
We parked between a bunch of cars in a lot a few minutes later and got out. The market was sprawled out along cobblestone streets, and booths were lined up everywhere. The smell of freshly brewed coffee wafted toward us.
My stomach twisted at the smell. It wasn’t only nausea—the coffee made me think of Ben. Was this coffee he might have liked? Or would he have had a better brew? He would have been able to tell what kind of coffee it was by just sniffing the air.
A pang of longing shot into my heart but I tried to push it away.
“Are you okay?” Amy asked.
“Just feeling sick.” It wasn’t a lie.
We meandered through the stalls, studying the wares on display. Around us, the crowd bustled with energy and laughter, and the sounds of live music drifted from a stage somewhere nearby.
We paused at a stall with intricate ceramic pottery. I traced the patterns with my fingers.
“These are stunning,” I said and lifted a glazed mug to study it.
Amy nodded. “The talent here is incredible.” She ran her fingers over some hand-woven fabric.
I put the mug down again. I wanted to buy it, but for some reason it made me think of coffee and Ben again, and I didn’t need that.
The next part was a food court. Artisanal cheese, fresh pastries, smoothies… there was something of everything.
And Amy was determined to taste all of it.
The smells just made my stomach roll again and I bought a bottle of water.
Amy bought a smoothie, after she’d tasted everything else, and nodded toward a bench a little out of the way.
“Aren’t you getting anything else?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Water’s just fine for now.”
Amy nodded, and we walked to the bench and sat down. The sun dappled on my skin through the canopy of leaves above, and I took a deep breath when a breeze ruffled my hair. It was good to be outside, to be between people again. I shouldn’t have locked myself away like that.
“Thanks for getting me out here,” I said. “I didn’t realize how much I needed it.”
“You’ve been through a lot.”
“God,” I groaned. “I feel like I’m drowning under it all. I’m so overwhelmed. I’m not ready for any of this.”
“You have time,” Amy said softly. “You have a few months to wrap your head around it.”
I nodded. She was right. Was eight months enough time to get used to the idea that I was going to be a mom? Enough time to realize I had to give up everything that was important to me and raise a child?
My heart sank.
“Hey,” Amy said, and when I opened my eyes, they were filled with tears. “Talk to me.”
“I can’t do this,” I said in a whisper. “I never wanted to be a single mom, I've always wanted a family. I’m not cut out for this kind of life.”
“You can do it and you’re going to be a great mom, Sofia,” Amy said.
“How do you know?” I furiously scrubbed away my tears that seemed to fall without warning lately.
“Because you care. You care so much about people, it’s impossible for you not to be a good mom.”
I shook my head. “I also don’t want to give it all up.”
Amy frowned. “What do you mean?”
“My career. My dreams. Everything that matters to me… I don’t want to give it up so that I can raise a baby, but I won’t get rid of the baby. That’s not fair—he or she didn’t ask to be here, and I can’t do that. I can’t…” Sobs racked my chest, and I took a deep breath. “I can’t throw away a whole life just like that. That baby is everything.”
Amy put her hand on my arm, shifting a little closer. “No one said you had to give anything up.”
I blinked at her. “I have to if I want to be a good mom.”
“That’s not true. You know you can have both—a career and a family. No one’s forcing you to choose between the two.” Amy frowned. “Is that what you think? That having kids means you’ll be chained to the house and forced to be a mom without being allowed to live, too?”
I hesitated. “Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?”
“Sofia, not at all,” Amy said. “You can be whoever you want to be while you have a child. The baby doesn’t take away from who you are. He or she will just add to your life. Change it, for sure, but add.”
I covered my face and took a deep breath. “I don’t know how to feel about the baby. About Ben not being involved.”
“Did he say that? That he doesn’t want to be involved?”
I nodded. “He said he’ll send me money, as much as I need, but that’s it.”
Amy shook her head, shocked.
“There’s no fucking way he said that. Did he really?”
I nodded glumly and looked at the ground, studying the way the dry leaves danced in patterns every time the breeze swept by.
“If that’s what he’s going to do, then he’s a dick,” Amy said hotly. “And best know he’s going to get a piece of my mind.”
“Don’t,” I said. “Really. It’s fine. I just…” I swallowed hard, trying not to cry again. Damn it, I was crying over everything. “I just thought we had something special.”
“You did,” Amy said. “You and Ben together were like something from a storybook. I’ve never seen Ben the way he was around you. If he says that he doesn’t care, that he doesn’t want to be involved, he’s lying. To you, and to himself.” She considered it. “You should talk to him.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I said. “He made it clear he’s done.”
“You can’t just give up, Sofia,” Amy urged. “You can’t let this go. You have something that doesn’t just come along every day, and Ben… he’s a stubborn asshole. Sometimes, you need to knock some sense into him before he sees the truth.”
I shook my head again. “Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. It wasn’t like either of us were looking for something, anyway. It was just playing pretend, and now the ruse is over.”
Amy shook her head. “Love has a funny way of surprising us when we least expect it. Whatever you and Ben had was real, no matter how much you’re trying to tell yourself that it wasn’t.”
I wanted to argue with her, but she wasn’t wrong. At least not about my part of it.
Because the truth was I was still madly in love with Ben, all the tears, the low energy, the nausea… it wasn’t just because I was pregnant.
I was also suffering from a serious case of a broken heart.