Chapter 53
OCTOBER 25 – SATURDAY 7:40 PM
R en
Why was I nervous? I’d been with Liam and Theo separately, so why was it so stressful to be alone in the room with them together?
Liam had prepared an entire surf and turf platter that required far more skill in a kitchen than I had. He cooked the tender beef cubes right at the table with a special burner, and all the while, the two of them talked and laughed without missing a beat.
In my head, I’d pictured us like a tricycle, but this felt more like a bicycle with one training wheel falling off.
The conversation stopped and was quiet for so long that I looked up to see both Theo and Liam staring at me. My gaze bounced between them.
“What?”
“Why are you so nervous,” Liam asked.
I licked my lips, setting my fork down.
“I’m not sure. Maybe we’re all just better in separate pairs.”
They looked at one another in silent communication. I really hated when they did that.
“Are you saying you don’t want to be with us together?” Theo looked confused.
“I don’t know. I’m sorry. I need a minute.”
Getting up, I walked down the hall and into the bathroom.
My head was a mess, and my emotions were worse. Identifying with a Yahtzee dice was new, but that was exactly what my insides were like. Everything was all over the place. Leaning my arms on the edge of the sink, I slumped and closed my eyes.
The door clicked as it opened, and I knew it was Liam without looking. He ran his hand down my back, and I relaxed a little with his calming touch.
“What’s going on, Little Rabbit?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
“Try.”
Sighing, I stood up and stared at him in the mirror behind me. His cinnamon eyes were as soothing as his voice, but the intensity commanded me to answer him.
“I’m going to say this, but I want you to know that I don’t ever want to go back.”
He cocked his head and stared at me.
“Things were simpler before I came here, before I said yes to Myles, before I learned who I was, and before I got into a polyamorous relationship.”
I looked up at the ceiling because I couldn’t face Liam as I got this out.
“I should be worrying about what I want to do after graduation. I thought I had it all sorted, a clear plan for myself. But now…now I worry about how every decision affects someone else and have no idea what I want anymore. I’m floating around in this abyss of uncertainty with no clear direction. I’m in this relationship with all of you, my choice, and yet…I’m overwhelmed, Liam.”
Pacing the small bathroom, I took a deep breath and shook out my hands.
“Things I never worried about are constantly running through my head and my heart. Will I hurt this person if I do this? Should I base decisions on what I want or vote with everyone else? Do I want to be part of this world or break away? And if I do that, like my mother did, what does that mean for me, for all of us?”
Liam grabbed my arm as I turned to walk past him for the tenth time. He slowly drew me into him and tipped my head up, forcing me to meet his eyes.
“What you need is to compartmentalize. You did it when your mother was sick and even when you first got here. School had its own box, your friendships were in another, looking after her was a third, and dealing with your father was one. You were able to handle all the moving parts because you didn’t let them jumble together and cloud what you needed to do or your feelings.”
“Those were easy. This…this is so much harder.”
“Maybe, but life is never going to be easy. You know that. You could hide out on a beach where no one knows your name, and you’d still have responsibilities and issues. What would you do for work? Where would you live? Are you never going to worry about your friends? Are you going to stop standing up to assholes?”
Liam slid his hands down my arms until he was hanging onto my fingertips and brought them to his heart. I could feel the steady beat thumping under his skin.
“I don’t see you ever being able to do that, even though it seems like the easier solution. As we’ve both learned, running is not the option that works. Besides, you can’t keep your nose out of anything. You’ll end up in trouble again,” he said, and I smirked.
“Sometimes the world seems so large, and I’m just an insignificant speck that can’t really make a difference and will continue to screw up.” I bit my lip. “I haven’t told Myles and Blake about Nash. I’m a liar, a cheater, an adulterer, and a total fraud and….”
Liam began to laugh.
“What?”
He just kept laughing, and I glared at him.
“Don’t laugh at me. I’m being serious.”
“I know, that’s what makes it so much funnier.”
I tugged my hands away and crossed my arms.
“If you’re waiting for an apology, you’re not going to get one from me.”
“Why did I think you’d understand?” I grumbled.
“I do understand. That’s why I’m not going to apologize for laughing. Little Rabbit, stop running in circles chasing that little cotton tail of yours. Let’s start with the world part. Guess what? We all feel like we are insignificant and have no real purpose. No matter how in control we want to be, out there is a wild-ass jungle of billions of people all trying to run their own rat race and figure their shit out. We can’t control every aspect of our lives any more than they can.”
Hopping up on the counter, I sat there and just stared at him. How could he make a statement like that and seem so unbelievably calm? Like it didn’t matter if a bomb dropped on us right now. Would we just go with the flow of what was next?
“Are you saying I shouldn’t try?”
“No, I’m saying that you need to stop worrying about every little thing and hurting everyone’s feelings. Let me use Myles and Blake as an example. You love them, right?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, what does telling them about you and Nash solve?”
“I won’t be a liar. I won’t be hiding this massive secret from them when I swore to be truthful. That’s what it will solve.”
“Okay. All I heard is, it will make me feel better.”
My mouth dropped open. “That’s not what I said.”
“Isn’t it? Look, they both already said they were fine with you being with anyone from our group, right?”
“Well…yes, but….”
“No, there is no but. Okay, Little Rabbit, your lesson is understanding that you’re no longer Ren Mikhailov, the princess. You’ve become Lilya Ren Mikhailov, the queen,” he said, rubbing his lower lip.
Without even realizing it he just smacked me in the face with a memory. Remember Ren, you were always a queen . I’d never forgotten those words and now I realized Mum meant so much more.
“Does a queen ask her subjects if every decision she makes is okay with them? Do you think Dimitri asks for permission from his family? Do you think Ethan and Ella run all their choices past Theo and Blake?”
“No, but those aren’t the same thing.”
“Wrong.”
Walking over to the sink where I was sitting, Liam grabbed six little balls of soap. I smirked at the little flowers that had Nash losing his mind. It was nice to see that he hadn’t replaced them the moment my ass was out the door.
Liam placed one of the soaps close to the tips of his fingers, then another one almost beside it but not quite. There was one in the middle behind the two, with the remaining three in a straight line taking up the rear.
He pointed to the blue soap. “Myles.”
Then to the pretty yellow one. “Blake.”
The soft purple color. “Theo.”
Then, to the green one by itself in the middle of his hand.
“Me. And before you ask, I’m there because I’m Nash’s second in command, and…I’m your Dom.”
He smirked, and I did the same. It was easy to figure out that the other two were me and Nash, but I didn’t interrupt.
“This shitty looking black one is Nash,” he said, chuckling. “This one at the very front is you.”
“Why don’t you have Nash at the front? He’s your King.”
“And there is no king greater than he who has an even better queen to guide his hand. Granted, this relationship dynamic is more complicated, but we all have one thing in common, and that is you…our queen. In one way or another, you complete us and elevate us to be better versions of who we are. That includes Nash. He is better because of you, and as hard as he is fighting his feelings, he will cave. When that happens, the two of you will be unstoppable.”
“This is insanity. I don’t have that much pull over anyone, least of all Nash. And even if I do, I don’t want it. Also, that still doesn’t explain why I shouldn’t feel bad about not telling Myles and Blake. I’m lying by omission. I would be livid if they slept with someone else.”
“Whoa, first off, Nash is not just some random someone else. All the guys, including myself, have already said we don’t care if you want Nash. Hell, the whole group dynamic was agreed upon before I even got involved, true?”
“True.”
“So technically, you didn’t do anything that wasn’t already acceptable. You don’t need to make public announcements about what or who you do or when. This is not a secret you’re keeping because they’ll be pissed you had sex with Nash. They’ll be pissed if he doesn’t get out of the marriage to Vicky. Big difference. You not telling Myles and Blake until you see what happens on Halloween is a strategic maneuver to keep the peace. Is causing issues worth you feeling better?”
“No, I guess not. But I may kill him anyway if he doesn’t find a way out after he told me to trust him.”
Liam laughed. “I wouldn’t blame you. Bottom line is that you can feel however you want, but it doesn’t make your decision wrong if it betters the group. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. You’re the queen. You’re my queen and one sexy little rabbit at that.”
My body heated with the lust in Liam’s eyes. He could melt an entire iceberg with that look. Grabbing the balls of soap, I held them all together in one neat little pile.
“I don’t want to look at us like that. I want this. Equals. Mikhailov or not, I don’t want to control any of you.”
“And that’s exactly why you’ll make an excellent leader. You don’t want control or yearn for power. You don’t make decisions based on what will garner you more money, and you sure as shit don’t care what anyone thinks of you. If there was ever someone that could be labeled as incorruptible…it is you. You have a kind and honest heart, Little Rabbit, but you also have a ferocious bite when you need it.”
Pressing my lips together, I stared at the soap and still didn’t like it.
“You’ll always do what is right, even when it feels wrong. That’s what will make you great. It’ll make Nash great and turn us into a powerful unit.”
“Then why does it feel so terrible?”
“Because you care. But that’s where you need to compartmentalize. Just because something is uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It means you’ve looked at all the outcomes, and it’s better not to do XYZ or to do XYZ . Look at Nash. He hasn’t shared his plans. He didn’t even tell us where he went over the summer or who he met. We were as blindsided by Vicky and his ties to Mr. Genovese as you were. But do you see us putting his head on a spike?” I shook my head. “Exactly, and why is that?”
“Because he’s the king, and he chooses what to tell you when he feels you need to know.”
“Good, now say it with me. You are the…”
I rolled my eyes at him. “Queen.”
“Good, and what does the queen do?”
“Only tell what is needed, when it is needed, to whom it is needed after taking all factors into consideration.”
Liam winked at me.
“See, Little Rabbit, you get it. You don’t have to like it, but you get it. Also, don’t kid yourself. We all keep things from you and Nash. That won’t change unless you kick us to the curb. It’s the simple truth. In looking after each other, we sometimes protect a secret. Understand?”
“I understand, but I feel ridiculous when you call me queen. It’s totally weird.”
Liam laughed. “You’ll get used to it.” Stepping between my legs, he took the soap and set it aside. “Do you feel any better?”
“I do, thank you. I still have no idea what I’m doing with my life, but one issue at a time.”
“Compartmentalizing already, look at you. And, since that’s the case, I think it’s time for dessert,” Liam said, dropping his lips to my ear and whispering, “I’m starting with you.”
The hair on the back of my neck stood as my body lit up like a Christmas tree.
Liam was probably right about the natural order of things, but that didn’t mean that tweaks couldn’t be made. What was the point of being queen if you couldn’t make adjustments? What that looked like…I had no clue, but there had to be a way.