36. Felicity
felicity
Jax walks back and forth in the room, a little bundle wrapped in his arms and an adoring smile on his face.
He was right.
It is a boy.
Right as the nurses and doctor had me start pushing, Jax burst into the room, heading right for me and calming my nerves instantly.
He held my hand, watching me push our baby out, and then wiped the sweat from my head, kissing my forehead and praising how well I’d done.
Then, the baby was placed on my chest, wet and covered in things I didn’t ask about, and when I met my son’s eyes for the first time, my whole heart stopped in my chest.
Jax cut the umbilical cord, and the nurses called him Dad, making my normally levelheaded boyfriend burst into tears as he leaned over the two of us, pressing kisses to our son’s head and mine, stroking his cheeks and counting his fingers and toes.
“He’s perfect, City,” Jax whispered to me, not taking his eyes off the baby. “He’s absolutely perfect.”
A fear I’d been holding on to disappeared at that moment. One that told me when the baby got here that Jax wouldn’t feel the way he said he did, that something that would throw him off once the baby actually arrived.
It never happened. He never said anything like, “Well, he’s not actually mine.” Like I halfway expected him to. No. He is in, truly and fully in, and I will always be grateful that he never made me feel any other way.
“I think it’s a good fit,” he says to me as he pauses his pacing. I am dead tired, my body feeling like it’s not my own as I float in the bed. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so tired in my life.
My lips curve into a soft smile, and I ask, “What is?”
Jax looks over at me, smiling at my form. Probably because I look like death. “Lawson. It’s a good name. Strong.”
I nod my head. “You picked it.”
“Nah,” he says in return, his eyes landing on Lawson again as he moves to the rocking chair. He’s a natural as a dad already. I can picture him in the future, teaching him everything he needs to know, and my heart squeezes painfully in my chest. Good pain, not bad.
“You did.” I chuckle lightly, moving with slight pain in my abdomen and adjusting until I am comfortable. “I thought he was a girl.”
Jax smirks, adjusting Law to one arm and relaxing into the chair. “I knew he was a boy. Could feel it.”
“You’d think I would be the one able to feel it,” I reply, sensing the slightly put-out tone of my own voice.
“Doesn’t matter, City Girl. Our boy is happy, and you’re both healthy. All is well.” Jax is so calm, so sure in his role that it gives me my own boost of confidence.
“Are you okay?” I ask, finally having the brain capacity to ask. “You got here so fast. I assume it’s because you were nearby?”
Jax looks up at me for a moment, his lips pursed in thought. “Mitch and I were in Denver.”
I frown, watching him. “What for?”
He sighs and runs his free hand over his mouth. “I hate telling you about this now. You just had a baby. You don’t need stress.”
“Stress?” I push myself up a little, wanting to give him my full attention and not accidentally fall asleep on him.
“We can talk about this once we’re home, City Girl.” His brush-off is all I need to know that this has something to do with those guys a few months ago. I never asked about it, thinking he needed time to figure things out.
But now, with a baby here, with this huge responsibility, I want to know what danger could be lurking in the shadows for Jax and if it is going to affect my son.
“I would like to know what’s going on,” I say, trying for the mature adult response.
“Okay.” He clears his throat, pushing his leg to keep the chair rocking, and looks to me. “Those guys a few months ago, they work for my dad.”
My brows draw together in confusion. “Your dad? I had no idea you talk to your dad.”
He nods his head, looking at Law. “He started coming around a few years ago, found me on the circuit.”
“Okay,” I reply, looking for an answer he wasn’t providing. “What happened?”
“I was an idiot is what happened,” he responds, shaking his head. “I fell for his lines, took him at his word. Pushed Mitch away because I wanted to be right. I wanted to finally have a dad that I could talk to, that would be there for me. But I was far from right.”
Jax sighs, keeping his voice low so he doesn’t disturb Lawson. “I got into it with him, just weed. But it affected me more than it should have.” He shakes his head before looking at me. “But I quit, City. I promise. I don’t do that anymore. I don’t touch it.”
“I believe you.” And I did. We’ve been living together for a few months and not once has he acted like someone who needed a fix to get through the day. I would know. Being in Hollywood, touring the country with musicians, you see everything. Things you wish you could unsee.
He blows out a breath, maybe one tinged with relief, before continuing. “Well, Mitch looked him up because he obviously found me again.” He shakes his head. “But we went there to tell him to back off, to not contact me.”
I frown, watching the man I love intently. “What does he want?”
“Money,” Jax answers, before looking over at me again. “I already paid everything I owe. But he wants more. And it’s not like he hands out receipts for this stuff.”
I nod my head, resting it on my hand in thought before saying, “I could pay him for you, get him away from you.”
I knew he would reject the money, but it wasn’t like I didn’t have enough.
“No. He would take it and then come back for more. Money won’t do it,” Jax replies, looking regretful.
“Well, look,” I say, wishing I could reach him physically so I could comfort him. “Everything will be okay. We’ll be on the lookout for him if he comes around. We should inform Ezra and his team too.”
Jax nods his head, agreeing without saying so. “You’re not pissed?”
“Of course I am,” I say, resting back against the bed again and finding the bliss that we had before we started this conversation. “I’m pissed any father would do that to their son, let alone you.”
“You are too fucking good for me, City Girl.” He stands then, leaning over and kissing me. I let him, taking in the moment and letting myself sink into it. “You should rest. You’ve gotta be exhausted from all the visitors.”
I smile, grateful for the amazing friends and family we have. “I am.”
A couple of hours after Lawson had been born, our families had come in to meet him in waves. Starting with our parents, both my mom and Didi happily taking turns doting over me and Lawson, my dad shaking Jax’s hand and patting him on the back.
It was nice to see them all getting along and to be able to bring my son into a family that will all do everything in their power to protect him.
My manager had even come in with Phil and Ezra, congratulating me and then reminding me that there is work to be done once I was up for it. Jax practically growled at her, stating that work would be the last thing on my mind until I said I was ready. Ezra and Phil poorly hid smiles at the comment.
Jax’s brothers and their significant others came in to visit, each holding Lawson for a short minute before the round of congrats went around.
Then Mitch and Juniper. Mitch wouldn’t hold the baby, but he did smile and nod at me before congratulating me.
So I call that a win. Dani and CT sent their best but promised to come see us once everyone was home and feeling up to it.
Erin was the last to visit and had visibly calmed herself down enough to hold the baby. “Hi, I’m your Aunt Erin. I’ll be the one that spoils you rotten when you visit LA.”
Erin was on the next flight out, stating that babies were great in short spurts, and she would be more in the way than helpful. I loved her, but she wasn’t wrong.
Jax seems more than happy to be taking a couple of weeks off of work to help me with Lawson, and I rather it be just us for as much time as possible anyway.
The three of us are all I need.
Lawson is a grumpy baby, and I feel like my eyeballs are going to fall out of my head.
No one prepared me for this. The exhaustion, the heartache, the busy work that comes with being a mother. When I wasn’t holding Law—which was most of the time—I was pumping or washing bottles or doing laundry or doing dishes.
We’ve been home for three weeks, and this is my first week all on my own, with help from my mom after school when she can, and Didi when she isn’t working at the salon. But asking for help? Lord knows I am bad at that.
I should be able to do this on my own. I am a strong, grown woman who is more than capable of taking care of my son.
It’s nearly five when his screams pick up, and nothing I can do seems to be helping him. He won’t nurse, take a bottle or a nap, and rocking him does nothing.
The door to the front of the house opens, my security alarm letting me know that Jax is home from the ranch. “Baby?”
I walk down the hallway, Lawson still crying, and find Jax there, kicking off his boots in the front entry.
He takes one look at me, and sympathy crosses his expression. “Rough day?”
I feel tears well in my eyes, and I can’t even explain why it is happening, but the moment he comes near me, I burst into tears, mine matching my sons.
“Oh boy, we’ve got some big feelings tonight, huh?” He takes Lawson from me without asking and wraps his other arm around my shoulders, pulling me close and kissing my forehead while I try to get my emotions under control.
“I don’t know what’s wrong, Jax. Everything I try, he doesn’t want, and I feel like he could really use a nap.”
He pulls back, rocking Law in his other arm and tilting my chin up with his fingers. “I think Mama could use some rest too, huh?”
I nod my head and place my hands on my hips. My oversized shirt and shorts are stained with God knows what, and my hair is thrown up into a messy bun that is unintentional. A.k.a., not cute.
“But I can’t when I know he’s struggling,” I reply, a bursting feeling of guilt in my chest.
“He needs you to rest, City. I’ve got him.” He pulls me in again, maybe knowing without me having to say it that I need affection and physical contact. Something about it helps me pull myself together. “Why don’t you go take a hot shower and get a nap?”
“Are you saying I stink?” I mumble the question, meaning it as a joke.
“You’re beautiful,” he replies, leaning down to press a kiss to my lips before he turns me around and shoves me in the direction of our bedroom.
I watch him walk Lawson into the kitchen and make myself do as he says, wondering how I got to be so lucky to have a partner who cares about me so much.
Jax moved in with me shortly after finding out about Law, and neither of us has looked back since. It is almost strange how easy it has been to transition to this life together, but I’m not complaining.
I rush through the shower, knowing that I should take my time to shave and do an everything shower and also knowing that I am too damn tired for that.
With my hair clean and my body not smelling like I came from the pits of hell, I slip into a sleep set that Thea so kindly gifted me, one that is soft and stretchy, perfect for a postpartum body, before I sneak into the hallway to see how it is going.
There’s no more screaming, and I can hear Jax talking before I peek into the living room, spotting them on the floor.
Lawson is staring up at Jax, and Jax is rocking our son’s feet back and forth, moving his legs around in circles.
“Grandma Didi says you probably have gas, and according to Dr. Google, this is what helps.”
Our son then lets out a bubble of gas, and Jax smiles. “Hey, there’s my boy. Good job, buddy. You’re a champ.”
I feel myself tear up at the sight of Jax taking care of Lawson—and doing a damn good job of it—before tiptoeing back to the bedroom.
It’s mere seconds after my head hits the pillow that I am out cold.