Chapter 15 Weston
Weston
Returning to campus is like stepping back into cold reality.
I get back into Onyx House and my night with Sev feels like a far-off dream from the moment I’m back.
Roman and Noah are in the front living room by the fireplace, and I can see Roman’s bruised face right away.
“Here he is,” Roman says.
“I heard what happened. Are you okay?” I ask him.
He waves a hand like he’s shooing a fly. “Bruise doesn’t matter. But we need a plan for when the Daggers guys flip their lids about the fight with Kieran.”
It’s almost alarming that Roman’s acting so calm.
I expected retaliation plans, but if Roman is cool as a cucumber right now, that might mean that he knows something else that I don’t.
Niko comes in a bit after me, and I notice that he doesn’t mention anything about the creepy text he got. He doesn’t want to involve Roman, and I know why. Any fuel added to this fire could escalate things to a place they don’t need to go.
“So,” Noah says a while later, leaning back on one of the sofas, “if Onyx got all of the offers at last year’s dinner, this year needs to be different.”
“It does,” Roman says. “If Daggers gets even a whiff of foul play, they’re going to cause problems for us.”
“But all of us keep shit very separate from the Crimson school administration,” I say. “We have mutually assured destruction. If they take us down, they go down, too.”
“Because we know some of their past dirty secrets, too,” Noah adds. “I’m sure the administration would love to hear about how Mike Amsted was growing weed in the Daggers backyard last year.”
Roman shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re willing to get a few of their members expelled just for the express purpose of ratting us out.”
“What shit would they have on us?” I protest.
“Wes,” Noah protests, raising an eyebrow at me. “You’re kidding, right?”
I shrug. “We don’t do bad shit here.”
Roman and Noah exchange a look.
“You know people call you Frat Dad for a reason, bro,” Noah tells me.
Suddenly I feel like I’m being left out of some loop.
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
“It means some of the guys are going to purposely not tell you if they’re doing ‘bad shit.’”
He uses air quotes to say the final two words.
And something about it sends a ripple of anger through me.
“What is going on in Onyx House that I don’t know about?”
“There’s nothing going on,” Roman says. “Noah, don’t stir a pot that doesn’t exist.”
“It’s just little things,” Noah says. “You know Vance Brown, who graduated last year?”
I nod. “Of course I remember Vance. He interned for my father two summers ago.”
“Exactly,” Noah says.
“We don’t need to do this, Noah,” Roman says.
My stomach does a little flip.
They really do have a secret from me.
“Tell me,” I say in a louder tone. “Now.”
“Vance… hinted at the idea that your father may have actually paid off some of the execs for last year’s dinner.”
I feel like I just missed a step on the stairs.
Like the wind is knocked out of me, just for a moment.
No.
It can’t be true.
“Bribery?” I ask, my voice coming out dry.
“Like I said. He only hinted at it,” Noah says. “I think he didn’t want any of us to be implicated, or to fully know what was going on. But you saw what happened last year.”
“Only Onyx guys got offers,” I say.
“Vance is gone now. But if what he said was true, then…”
“Then it means the Daggers guys’ suspicions are fucking right,” I interject.
“So you can see why we need to be delicate,” Roman says. “Delicate about what happens at this year’s dinner.”
For a moment I think I’m going to be sick.
I sit down on one of the armchairs in the room, but it’s too close to the fire and the heat instantly feels cloying. I move to the side sofa where Niko is silently sitting, and I put my head in my hands.
“My father is dead and he still has his claws in our lives,” I say, scrubbing my palms over my face. “Fuck. Fuck this.”
“This is why I didn’t want to tell him,” Roman mutters to Noah.
“He deserves to know,” Noah volleys back.
I stand up again, pacing around the room. “We have to do something about it.”
“We already know what we’re going to do,” Roman explains. “Relax, Weston. Please.”
Part of me wants to snap at Roman for even suggesting I could calm down right now. But I listen to him anyway, because I need to know that someone else is trying to fix this problem with me.
Roman explains some things that he’s apparently been discussing with Noah already. Using his family connections, Roman somehow found a way to do what my father did last year, but in reverse.
Roman wants to make sure that the offers this year only go to Double Daggers and Luros Sorority members.
It’s a dirty fix.
It’s still bad, and I hate everything about it.
But hopefully it can at least help from starting full-on wars between the societies. It can’t help the people that already graduated last year, but there isn’t a better solution.
After Roman is done laying out his plans, he heads off into the kitchen and Noah goes out on a date with some girl he thinks is going to be his soulmate.
I’m left with Niko in the living room.
“I know you’re going to tell Sev,” I say softly.
Niko looks up at me and shakes his head. “I won’t, if you don’t want me to.”
“Thought you’d be loyal to him.”
“I am loyal to my cousin. But if Roman’s goal is to help the other societies this year, then we should let that happen.”
“I agree. I’m so fucking mad at my father it hurts.”
“He’s my father, too,” Niko says. “I know he wasn’t a part of my life, but he’s still my blood. And this feels unfair to me, too.”
“It’s worse than unfair.”
Niko pauses for a moment, watching me. “And I know you don’t hate Sev like you used to,” he says.
I can feel a heat creeping up to my neck.
I look over at the embers in the fireplace, smoldering at the bottom.
“Well, I know him better than I used to. Makes it hard to hate someone.”
It feels like there’s a heavy weight pressing against my chest.
I don’t like the idea of having a secret from Sevan. If this were last year, I would have no problem with that, and I might even relish the idea of keeping something from him.
But it feels so wrong now.
Almost like I have my own loyalty to Sev.
For… what?
Because I like the way his cock feels, and because he kissed me in the middle of the night after too much red wine?
“I need to go find Ollie,” Niko tells me, standing up.
“I’m sure he missed you last night.”
“He did. I sent him a pic when I showered last night, though, so I’m sure he enjoyed that.”
“Too much information, Niko, for fuck’s sake.”
He puffs out a laugh and gives me a fist-bump before leaving. “Everything’s going to work out fine, Wes. See you later.”
As he leaves and I’m left alone in the front room, I don’t know if I can believe that.
With every passing day that week, it feels more and more like the night when Sev kissed me was a surreal dream.
A fluke.
The last burst of a physical fling that must have died out.
Sev doesn’t interact with me much for the rest of the week.
He sent me and Niko a quick text early on to say he was “handling shit with Kieran,” but that’s all we get.
I see him in Sellwood’s class, but he stays serious at the front of the classroom, always focused on grading exams or doing work on his laptop.
When class breaks up at the end for discussion, he goes to other groups, and not mine.
And I look down at my wrist, toying with the watch he gave me, and halfway through the week I take it off and stop wearing it.
Something about it feels wrong, now.
He doesn’t text me for many days in a row, and I’m too chickenshit to text him, either.
As I should expect, I remind myself.
Sev hates attachments of any kind.
And after that kiss he probably wants to get as far away from you as possible.
But my mind plays that kiss on repeat, over and over again.
The stolen moment in the dark kitchen. How they still tasted slightly minty fresh from mouthwash, and how his hands felt around my bare waist. I even think of him pulling over and kissing me outside that stupid empty gas station, and how raw it felt in the moment.
But mostly I think of how his eyes looked when he thanked me for coming to his mom’s house that day.
It was more genuine than anything I could have expected.
He was so real with me, in that moment.
And it was nice to have that brief glimpse into Sevan’s world.
I’m out jogging when Sev finally shows up.
I’d almost convinced myself that he wasn’t ever going to talk to me again by the end of the week, right before he showed up next to me here on campus, his shoes crunching on the path right behind mine.
At first I’m oblivious.
It’s clear there’s another runner somewhere close behind me, but I’m running through campus, so it’s not too uncommon.
But he keeps pace with me, and when I turn to see Sev, I know I’m fucked.
Every cell in my body comes alive when I see him.
When I realize he’s here for me.
He knows I run after Sellwood’s class most days, and his presence instantly changes the air around me.
I hate it.
He has far too much power over me.
I want to tackle him to the goddamn ground and kiss him until I can’t breathe. I want the world to freeze for a minute, or an hour, or a whole week so that we can stay somewhere together and be unbothered, back in our fantasy world.
And I fucking hate that I want his body this much.
I’m here drooling for him like a dog, when he probably hasn’t even thought about me once this week.
Hasn’t acknowledged my existence at all.
I play it cool and try to ignore him, looking at him once and then looking forward again, continuing on my run. I’m not forcing anything out of Sevan Berlant.
But as he catches up to me and then jogs a little bit in front of me, looking at me with those grey eyes that penetrate to my goddamn soul, I know I’m lying to myself.
Yep.
I still fucking want you, asshole.
No one could ignore you.
How the fuck could I even try?
“Hi,” he says softly, and I realize I even missed his voice.
I don’t respond.
I keep the intolerable, all-consuming fireworks show inside my body a secret, because he can’t know the effect he has on me.
I just keep running.
And he stays in pace, right at my side.