56. CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
Ifeel like absolute shit. Jillian uttered her safe word.
We’re done with this game, and I’m glad.
But the emptiness of what I just did whacks me with every step I take, and the distance I create between Jillian and me feels like walking barefoot on hot coals.
In her stairwell, I remove the mask, certain she won’t ask the building to see their security cameras. I can’t wear this mask in her lobby without gaining attention.
I keyed into the apartment next door again to get on her balcony. Odd that she doesn’t ask how I got there.
Shoving the mask into my jeans’ back pocket, my knuckles hit the Durex wrapper I grabbed instead of Trojan. I used different brands with Jillian, knowing she’s smart and would start to figure me out. How she hasn’t even suspected anything speaks to how well I’ve pulled this off.
Preparing for this scene she wanted, I was so frenzied back at the villa that I grabbed a Durex instead of a crap Trojan. In a moment of complete insanity, I begged her to go bare, cringing for her answer. It relieved me to no end when she said no.
And it gave me an off-ramp out of Johnny-land.
In my car, driving back to the villa, my phone buzzes and I grab it.
Jillian: Hi.
Looking closer, I see it’s a text and not a chat through the City Sinners app. No, my Jillian doesn’t grovel. That’s my job.
I pull over and text back.
Me: Hi, you okay?
Was it that easy for Johnny to dump her and tell her to go back to the man who really wants her? Sure, this was fun, but exhausting and dangerous.
Jillian: Yeah, I was just wondering….
Me: Wondering what, sparkles?
I hope she’ll ask me to finish what Johnny started. Only, I’m wearing the same damn clothes.
Three dots appear then disappear. This goes on for a few minutes.
Jillian: Never mind. TTYS.
I toss the phone on the passenger seat and swing back into traffic.
Since trying to scare her with rough sex failed, I used indifference and brutal honesty that Johnny or anyone on an app will never care for her the way I do.
I want her to want me, the real me. I hoped by acting cold as Johnny, she’d back off. I can’t even bear to see if she’s messaging him on the app.
Back at the villa, I grab a fifth of whiskey. I’m tempted to drink right from the bottle, until I catch my reflection in the wall of windows.
It’s the second night I’ve wanted to drink to push away emotions I can’t handle.
This has to end. I have to come clean about what I’ve done.