Chapter 28 Cal
CAL
Icalled in sick the first three days after Blake left. The first day, I was in complete denial, just wandering aimlessly around the house if I left my bed at all.
The bed he tied me to.
The bed where he made love to me.
The bed that we shared because we didn’t want to be apart.
The second day, I barely ate. Montana had stopped by to ask if I was okay, then informed me I’d fucked up, as if I didn’t already know that. But isn’t Blake better off? He also relayed that Ellison wasn’t talking to me because she’d say something she couldn’t take back.
The third day, I cried and mourned the life I never thought I wanted again, the memories of losing Liam no longer causing me the most pain.
There was nothing I could have done to save him.
The accident hadn’t been my fault, and while I felt his loss acutely as if I’d lost a limb, it paled in comparison to this situation with Blake.
Because I did this to myself.
I did this to us.
That third day also made me face the fact that I’m in love with Blake and the only way to win him back is to do the one thing I promised myself I’d never do.
I have to sacrifice myself.
I have to sacrifice VinCo.
The rest of the week gave me time to come to grips with that particular reality and what it will mean for my future and the future I can still salvage with Blake.
I’m so caught up in my spiraling thoughts that I don’t hear the door open until Hannah comes barging in. It’s early for a Saturday, but I haven’t been sleeping so time is relative right now.
“Take this,” she cries, thrusting a cup of coffee and a pastry bag into my hands before running toward the bathroom. The door doesn’t close before I hear the unmistakable sound of throwing up. Wow, I guess my toilet is getting a lot of action this week.
“Are you okay?” I ask, gently knocking on the door as the toilet flushes. Hannah’s face is pale as she opens the door, a tissue covering her mouth as she stares at me.
“Put the pastries and coffee in the microwave; you can have them when I leave.”
“Are you…”
“Calvin!” she hisses, and with a quick nod, I turn and run back toward the kitchen, grabbing both things off the counter and shoving them into the microwave.
“You can come out now,” I call, already pulling a glass from the cabinet and filling it with water.
“Thanks,” she croaks as I set it down on the island in front of her.
“So…” I start, widening my eyes, “what’s new with you?”
“I’m pregnant but you can’t hug me because my stomach isn’t ready.”
I have to blink back tears, a piece of my heart slipping back into place. “I am so happy for you,” I whisper, not trusting my voice not to crack.
“Yeah, well, I’m mad at you.”
“What? Why? You’re pregnant! That’s amazing and I’ll get to finally be an uncle.” I grin, trying to add some levity, but she just scowls.
“You can still be an uncle from Savannah.”
Like the ground just dropped from beneath my feet, I have to grab the edge of the counter to steady myself. It’s been a week—a whole week—and it still makes me lose my breath.
“Isn’t this even more of a reason to be here?” I ask, not knowing what I want the answer to be but unprepared for the way she rolls her eyes.
“No. It’s not. You can get a job anywhere, Cal. You could teach or you could paint or you could travel the world.”
“I’ve already seen the world.”
“Not with Blake, you haven’t.” The words seem to pierce straight to my heart, the organ already a tattered mess.
“I fucked up.”
“I’m aware of that. Montana called Case”—she glares—“but we won’t go into why we had to find out from someone else that this happened, for now.”
“It’s complicated.”
“Life is complicated, Cal, and it would be so boring if it wasn’t.”
“But what am I supposed to do?” I ask, waving my arm out to the side. “He won’t answer any of my calls or return my texts. I have a plan but…” I swallow hard, unable to force the words out.
“What happened?”
“I freaked out.”
“Yeah, I got that part.”
“It was too much.” The admission hangs between us and I let it, the words needing space to breathe.
“He went and saw you to talk about Liam and it was just so unexpected. Things between us were intense and that just… It was like rolling down a hill with no way of stopping. And then he started talking about after the gala and all these plans…”
My voice trails off as my shoulders slump. “I hate that you’re hurting,” she says as her hand covers mine, “but you need to do the hard thing now because it’ll keep hurting if you don’t.”
“What did he ask when he visited?” When she opens her mouth, I shake my head. “What did he really ask?”
“He wanted to know if you still love Liam. If you love him too much to love someone else.”
“Hannah.” The tears are back, clouding my vision, but this time they’re not tears of joy, they’re sadness.
Guilt.
Remorse.
“I told him you’d always love Liam but that you’re not in love with Liam. Am I wrong?”
“No.”
“You deserve to be loved and so does he. He loves you, Cal.”
“I was so scared.”
“He would have understood.”
“Why are you on his side?”
“Because I was you until I realized I wanted Case Thayer to be my entire personality and you know what that man did for me?”
“He built you a bookstore?”
“He built me a freaking bookstore.”
“It’s not the same.”
“Really? Because I’m confident Blake would build you a bookstore.”
“I moved here to be close to you.”
“And I stayed to be with the man I fell madly and desperately in love with. I stopped running because of him. Don’t stay because of me.
Go after your love.” Gentling her voice, she adds, “You and I will be fine. There’s nothing in this life that will keep you from me, so if Savannah is where you need to go… ”
“I know. I have to finish the painting and then we need to get in touch with Roan in case this all blows up in my face.”
“You’re going to tell him?”
“I’m going to tell him.” Swallowing down the panic, I force myself to say, “It’s his choice what he does with it.”
“Well, hell, we’re gonna need a plan, Calico.”
We’re going to need a hell of a plan.
And fast.