Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
LONDON
P ealing laughter fills the gym as kids of all ages run around. Ty and Sasha, everyone really, volunteers here at Best Buds frequently, not only donating their time but their money. So, when Ty asked if I would be willing to help take pictures of the kids, since their parents hadn’t been able to afford the school picture packages, I’d readily agreed.
School pictures had turned into family portraits for those who were interested, and while the day had been long, seeing all the delighted families and smiling little faces made it all worth it. My gear has long since been packed but I couldn't bring myself to leave.
Xander’s deep laugh carries across the room, and I can’t stop myself from watching him over the rim of my cup of coffee. When he hasn’t acted as my gopher, he’s been surrounded by kids all day and they absolutely love him. Loud and outgoing as always, the kids hang on his every word and from what I can see he reciprocates it. Attentive and engaged as they share stories about school or show him something on their phones or in a book. For once, his presence isn’t annoying but appreciated. It’s a jarring observation.
As if sensing my gaze, just as I’ve felt his all day, he looks up, and our eyes lock. I don’t dare look away—there’s too much something in his gaze to even consider it. But, of course, he ruins the moment. Those dark eyes glimmer with mischief as he licks his lips and blows me a kiss
Rolling my eyes, I turn to grab my bag, not even stopping to think about the smile I’m battling to suppress.
Striding out into the sunshine, I fight the desire to do a little shimmy and whoop it up because I just killed my interview with a premier, boutique, brand management firm. I’d even worn pink, my power color. It always gives me the boost I needed, and my dusty pink pantsuit had been perfect.
While the company looked good as hell on paper and I’d wanted to impress them, they’d also needed to impress me. I’d spoken candidly about what I’m looking for, as well as my deal breakers, and things had gone smoothly. There were a few other companies I was interested in but this one seemed perfect for me.
This firm boasts diversity, inclusion, and equity and the CEO is a woman of color. Superior healthcare, abundant time off, and the flexible work model has it at the top of my list.
My previous position allowed me to work with brands I admired, brands that gave back to their communities, and I was proud to not only work with them, but it was rewarding to help them reach their goals and bring their visions to life. After a few lackluster interviews, I’m still hopeful I’ll find that here in Chicago.
If I get this job, it’ll put me one step closer to the very reason I moved here. One step closer to recognizing the dream I’ve had since I was a little girl playing with my dolls. This isn’t how I pictured my life, but I’m making the most of what I’ve got, and what I’ve got isn’t half bad.
Popping on my oversized sunglasses, I conclude that a sweet treat is required. I deserve it after dazzling my damn self in there. Remembering passing a chain coffee shop on my way here, I pull my trench tighter and move in that direction. I’m already salivating, internally debating between a caramel macchiato or an iced cinnamon dolce latte when my phone rings.
“Hey, Ana,” I say with a smile. “Tell me something good. Like, you found my dream home.”
She laughs. “Well, I hope so. I just sent you a few new listings, they just came on the market today. Take a look at your email and let me know what you think. I want to get you out to see these ASAP.”
“Oh, that’s great. I'm grabbing a coffee now and I'll take a look and let you know. I didn't think this would be so hard.”
Ana laughs again. “You didn't? Because I'm sure I told you repeatedly that the market here is fiercely competitive. If you even remotely like it, you have to put in an offer in like yesterday.”
“I hear you, but that’s the thing. I haven't liked anything, let alone loved it. But I have faith that we will find something.”
“I have faith too. Fortunately for you, you have enough family here and plenty of places to stay until we do. There's no need for you to rush into a decision.”
“Exactly. So don't fret. I'm not. I don't mind looking at each and every listing or touring fifty apartments. Would it be ideal to find a place and be all moved in before I start my new job? Sure. But that's what movers are for, and painters and all the people you can pay to do those things. I’m not stressing about it.”
She sighs. “What a life you live.”
Ana and I have become friendly pretty quickly and I don’t take offense to her words. I have always been an overachiever, but even I recognize the privilege that I have. My maternal great grandmother left me a sizable inheritance when she passed away while I was in my early twenties. I don’t utilize the funds often, besides investing and allowing the rest to accrue interest, and that interest does come in handy for fun things. Another thing Travis hated; I didn’t need him for anything, and he never let me forget it. But this move, and everything that comes with it, is worth throwing my money around.
“I know, isn't it great?” I say with a laugh. “But no, seriously, take your time. You know all the things I'm looking for and when it happens it'll happen.”
“Thanks, you're one of the calmest people I've ever worked with.”
“You’re welcome. Alright, they're calling my name for my coffee. I'll take a look at these and get back to you today. Thanks, Ana. I really appreciate your help.”
Seated with my iced coffee and a few brownies, I pull up my email and browse the listing Ana sent. Two high rise apartments and one single family home. Each is modern, either a new build or recently renovated and well within my price point.
Moving over to my messaging app, I text the girls in our group chat to see if anyone is interested in checking these places out with me. I’m usually decisive, but I like bouncing my ideas off someone else.
Finally able to relax, the smell of coffee and cinnamon are a comfort as I pull my kindle from my bag, flip to the new book I’d just downloaded, and do a little dance as I return to the steamy scene I’d started reading this morning.
The couple’s banter, their back and forth with each other remind me of Xander and this crazy chemistry that has developed between us. His smooth baritone in my ear the other night almost got me. That man could seduce a nun in his sleep, but he’s just not what I need right now.
He’s a total fuckboy and I can’t let myself be swayed by those broad shoulders, washboard abs, or his teasing grin. He really does have perfect teeth. Ugh, pretty teeth are my weakness. Hands too, and he’s got nice ones, big, and those long fingers. His entire package is splendiferous, but I refuse to be swayed by another handsome face and empty words. That’s how I lost so many precious years and how I ended up in this predicament in the first place.
Instead, I’ll allow myself to be swept up in this sugary sweet small-town romance where everything works out because these two are perfect for each other. My vibrating phone drags me from the story I’d been lost in for at least an hour. Glancing at the name illuminated on the screen, my stomach roils, and almost makes me regret the delicious coffee and brownies I’d consumed.
Travis’s name flashes on the screen, and I debate ignoring the call, but figure getting it over with would be best, even as my hands heat and start to sweat.
“Hello?”
“London? It’s Travis.”
His tone is brusque, and I can’t help but roll my eyes. “I know. Hello, Travis.”
“How are you? How’s Chicago?”
I put some fake cheer in my voice before answering. “I’m swell and Chicago is fantastic!”
He ignores my sarcasm or maybe he just doesn’t care enough to worry about it. “I’m glad to hear it.”
Clearing his throat, I wait for him to continue. Travis hates awkward silences, but I’m not going to do him any favors and help him out.
“I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m calling.”
I lose the fight to stop my eye roll, and I almost give myself a headache. “The thought had crossed my mind.”
He mumbles a curse before sighing. “I wanted you to hear this from me. You know, out of respect.”
My stomach tumbles at his words, and I close my eyes, bracing for whatever he’s going to say. “Okay,” I murmur.
“I’ve been seeing someone,” he says softly.
“Okay,” I repeat. It’s almost been a year since our relationship ended. It’s to be expected.
“And…”
I hold my breath as he hesitates.
“We’re engaged.”
Clanging bangs in my ears as I repeat the word to myself. Engaged? After eight months?
“Thanks for letting me know.” I expel a breath. “Oh, erm… congratulations.”
“Thank you. We’re really excited to start our lives together.”
I just nod as he rambles on about how they met and their plans to wed this summer.
“Also, she’s pregnant.”
Record. Fucking. Scratch. My brain goes offline at his words, my stomach drops, and I instinctively try to curl into a ball to protect myself.
“What?” I whisper.
“She’s pregnant. It’s early on, but we’ll be sharing our news soon.”
“But you don’t want kids,” I say, like an idiot.
“Things change, Lo. I’m a different person now.”
I scoff. “You’re a completely different person after eight months? Seriously?”
“I guess. Or maybe she makes everything better. She makes me a better man and I couldn’t wait to start a life with her. She’s not out here trying to fight me for head of household. She knows her place and she’s happy to have dinner waiting for me when I get home. I don’t have to compete with everything else in her life.”
That blow bashes me in the chest and I suppress a whimper, the rest of the room fading as his words sink in. I’ve heard shit like that for years, but it still manages to wound me every time
“Wow. I guess I never knew you for those seven years. ” I seethe.
I can picture him shrugging as he says, “I don’t know what to tell you. Besides, maybe you’ll understand if you ever find a person who wants to be with you forever.”
Heat rushes over my body and my scalp prickles with sweat at the cruelty he so easily heaps on me. How did I not see the snake in my own yard?
“Relax. There’s no reason to get nasty.”
“I’m not. You did this. You’re always questioning me. I’m finally happy and of course you have to shit all over it. She listens and doesn’t give me this fucking attitude all the time. No wonder I didn’t want to have kids with you,” he hisses.
My face whips to the side as if he’s slapped me, and I keep my face turned so the other patrons can’t see the tears forming in my eyes.
Saying the words aloud that I’ve feared the answer to for far too long, I steel myself for his response. “You told me you didn’t want kids, ever . But what you really meant was you didn’t want kids with me .”
He sighs. “Yeah.”
Another fucking gut punch, but you couldn’t pay me to stop now. Masochist party of one.
“Why didn’t you tell me that years ago? Why’d you waste my time, Travis?”
“I thought maybe you’d change my mind.”
My voice drips with disdain when I say, “It wasn’t my job to change your mind or convince you. You either wanted a life with me, to start a family, or you didn’t.”
“Well, obviously I didn’t.” He sighs as if I called him and fucked up his day. “Listen, this will be the last you’ll hear from me, and I hope that you can appreciate that I called you to share this news instead of allowing you to be blindsided.”
“How magnanimous of you.” My voice sounds flat to my own ears, but I try my damnedest to hold it together. I can’t let him know he still has the power to completely wreck me.
“Well, there’s nothing left to say. Our story has been written and the book is closed. Goodbye, London.”
“You can fuck all the way off, Travis,” I spit.
I hear his protests as I end the call. That’s not what I meant to say but fuck him. Fuck him. I could have lived the rest of my life without that phone call. But as I replay the conversation over in my head, his little digs tear into me. That little book comment… fuck, I wish I said it wasn’t even good enough to earn a one-star review. Or, zero out of ten, I wouldn’t recommend. No matter what comeback I wish I could have thrown out, he’s still having a baby. With someone else. Because he didn’t want to have one with me.
I’d started to stitch myself back together, but my confidence is in tatters once again. We were together for years. Could he have seen something in me that I don’t recognize as a shortcoming? Fuck, am I kidding myself? Has it always been me? Am I the problem?
Here I am thinking I have it all, that I have the world at my fingertips. Moving to a new city, I just interviewed for the closest thing to a dream job, I’m in the market for my very own home, and this one phone call wipes it all away.
Oh god, did I make a mistake moving here to start over? My family is here so I'll have their support, but that also means they'll have a front row seat for my failures. They'll see the cracks in my armor, the faux confidence I’ve cultivated over the years. I could hide that from across the country. Now that I’m here, they’ll figure out that I’m a fraud.
Obviously, I can't be trusted to make my own decisions. I chose Travis, and I chose him every day for seven years. And who knows, I'd probably still be with him if I didn't want this more than I wanted him. Closing my eyes, I silently thank God for waking me up and putting me on a new path. But this still hurts all the same.
Tears spill over as I fumble for a napkin, when the second-to-last voice I want to hear cuts through the quiet.
“Babycakes, are you stalking me?”
Fuck my life.