34. Chapter 34
34
Two Moods: Horny And Depressing
Ella: Guys, I need a night out desperately.
Hads: I’m down!
Paige: Oliver is with Nick tonight, so I’m free!
Grant: Guys, are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Ella: Bookstore trip?
Hads: Yes!
Paige: Oh my, yes! I got paid yesterday! This is perfect!
Grant: Thank God. I need a new book. I’ve run out of things to read while I’m sitting at home.
Ella: I can pick you guys up?
Three people liked a message.
Coasting.
That’s how I would describe my mental, physical, and emotional state lately. I’ve been coasting through work, taking care of myself and everything else. I hate it. I hate that I’m frozen where I am because of Thanksgiving.
On one hand, I feel like it’s all my fault. But on the other, I said what I had to say to someone who’s trying to rip my family apart.
My mother was the one who left all those years ago, and I had to step up and take care of my sister, yet she’s the one able to waltz back in here like everything is fine, like she never ripped our hearts in the first place.
I know my sister and dad didn't just forget about that, so how were they able to forgive her so easily? How did I somehow end up the bad guy when I stayed and kept us afloat?
I have no clue, but I’m desperate to forget about the confusing state of my life tonight, because I cannot wait to see my friends. I swipe on some concealer to make it look like I’m not as exhausted as I feel and set that with my favorite powder. I know we’re just going to the bookstore, but I have to look presentable in case there are any cute people browsing the shelves. Plus, I don’t want my friends to worry about me if they saw the dark circles and general exhaustion written all over my face.
Honestly, getting ready, throwing makeup and a cute outfit on always helps me feel better. I think it’s the routine of it. I know every single step of what to do. It’s all muscle memory at this point, and all I’ve been doing lately is clinging to what I know.
Makeup and clothes is what I do well.
As I finish and put on a pair of platform boots I had to dig out of my closet, I text the group chat that I’m on my way. Paige is first, then Hads and Grant. Grant is on crutches, so he’ll have to lay those down on the floor in the back so he can get comfortable. Plus, Paige always moves my passenger seat up when she’s in my car, so it’s perfect.
Thank fuck Alissa is out with her brother tonight, because I’ve also been avoiding her as best as I can since I started fucking him.
Though I’m not even sure if you could call what we’re doing just fucking anymore.
I swear, she could take one look at me and know I’m hiding something from her. Thankfully, she has been working overtime lately, but we still hang out every Tuesday like normal. But work talk is banned, and so is talk of her brother while we watch reality television and eat ice cream.
Those moments are nice, but I hate lying to her. I don’t think she would mind that I’m hooking up with her brother, but I don’t even know how to explain it.
For one, after Thanksgiving, I somehow ended up at his apartment building. I don’t even know how it really happened. I swear, I blinked, and there he was, opening up his door.
I don’t know how I ended up there, but I don’t regret it. Leo made me feel…wanted. He made me feel like I wasn't a psychopath for showing up and demanding him to fuck me, even though I felt like an idiot.
He made me feel like I could let my guard down and just exist, and he’ll never know how much that night meant to me. I’d never tell him about my feelings—whatever they even are. I haven't had time to dissect them with everything going on, and to be fair, I’m not sure I want to.
Because I’m afraid that, deep down, after all these years, I was wrong about him from the beginning.
He’s not the man I thought he was, and I made a mistake by judging him too quickly when I didn't even know him. But that doesn't erase everything that has transpired between us.
I’ve been looking at all our past quips from college to now with a different lens, and Leo Zimmerman may not be the asshole I thought he was.
He might’ve been like me—trying to keep his family together when something unthinkable happens. For me, it was my mom leaving, but for him, it was his dad’s health issues.
He stayed over there while Alissa was here with me, until eventually, he got the job he has now. But he told me before that he’s always worrying about his parents across the ocean.
For the first time ever, I had something in common with him. All I do all day is worry about my sister. The ache of missing her and my dad comes back when I think about her for too long lately, and I wish I could fix this fucked up situation.
But I don’t know how, and I shouldn't have to be the one constantly trying to make everything better. For once, someone else should empathize with me about how I was treated as a kid and apologize for ambushing me. I was right to be angry on Thanksgiving, and I will always stand by my actions.
My heart is slowly opening to the possibility that I might have feelings for Leo—feelings other than absolute annoyance and hatred.
I’m fucking terrified.
I don’t know how to navigate this. We technically still have one more time in our pact, and I don't know if I can do that without these feelings overloading all my senses. I think if he fucked me one more time, it would seal his name across my heart. I swear, his dick is holding me captive.
No matter what my feelings are, they’re terrifying in whatever way they manifest. I can’t have my heart falling in love with him when I know, to Leo, all of this is a means to an end.
It is, right? A means to an end?
That’s what I’ve been struggling with. He drew me a bath. He was nice to me when I was having a life crisis I didn't want to be having in front of him. He didn't make fun of me or call me names; he was actually a decent guy. Anyone else might have taken advantage of the state I was in, but not Leo. He took care of me.
The part that scares me the most was that I let him.
As I pull into Paige’s complex, I banish all thoughts of Leo, her smiling face greeting me as she opens the car door.
“Hi! I am so excited. I feel like book shopping and reading are two different hobbies, and I’ve been needing some new books to sit on my shelves!”
I smile at her. “You could not be more right, P.”
Four songs later, Hads and Grant are in my car. The three of us girls have to help Grant into my car since he can’t bend his leg with the full cast, but the entire time, he has a smile on his face.
“You guys have no idea how good it feels to get out of the apartment. I feel like a free bird.”
And that makes us all laugh.
Five minutes later, and we’re on the way to the bookstore closest to Hads’ place.
“So, how is physical therapy going?” I ask him.
“Well, learning how to use the fucking things has been a pain.” He kicks his crutches with his good leg. “But overall, it’s okay. When I get the cast off, that’s when the real work begins.”
“He’s basically going to have to learn how to use his leg again,” Hads tells us, grabbing Grant’s hand in the process. I’ve been checking in on her periodically because I know the crash really shook her.
My heart aches for both the Baker siblings. They're both a bit too familiar with how terrifying car crashes can be, and I know when Hads got that phone call, her heart stopped beating properly for a few minutes. I saw her face. She was as pale as a fucking ghost.
All of us were terrified as we rushed to the hospital, but I know Hads was worried that when we got there, Grant was going to be gone.
Thankfully, he wasn't. I don’t know how much more loss the group can take.
“So, Ella, how is life with Leo?” Paige asks, a huge smile on her face. “Did our list help?”
My cheeks heat, because I’ve put this conversation off long enough, and I’m shocked this hasn't come up before now.
“Yeah, you’ve barely talked about it,” Hads says, knowing why I haven't. “So, I’m assuming you’re too shy to tell us you accepted his offer?”
“I did,” I sigh heavily.
Grant screeches before Hads can put her hand over his mouth. “Tell us everything. What is sex with him like, because I figure it’s like fucking some sort of Greek God?”
Hads pulls out her ruler and smacks him.
“Ow! It’s just a question!”
“Why did you phrase it like that?” Paige asks, a laugh bubbling up. “But feel free to answer, Ells.”
I tell them the long-winded version of what happened and how Leo and I had to work late and accidentally ended up fucking on the conference room table. For some reason, whenever Leo and his stupid mouth are around me, I can’t control myself. It’s how all our slip-ups have happened—my pussy thinks instead of my brain.
“He said it didn't count?” Hads asks me.
“No, I did. Because in the haze of my orgasm, I said a bunch of stupid shit. I even forgot about the security cameras, and Leo had to erase the one of us fucking in the conference room.”
“Damn,” Paige says as she reaches over to high-five me.
“I’m not celebrating a terrible decision. No matter how good the sex is,” I admit, wanting to bash my head into the steering wheel. “I haven't told Alissa either.”
“I bet she wouldn't want to know that you’re fucking her brother, so that’s probably for the best,” Hads tells me. “I know you feel like you’re lying to her, but sometimes, you have to have some things for yourself before everyone else knows about it.”
Ugh, she’s probably right, but all the shit that has been happening lately is fucking with my head. First, the situation with my mom, and now all these weird emotions I’m feeling about Leo. It was supposed to be sex, but somehow, it morphed into so much more for me, and I hate it.
I hate it, because I don’t know how he feels, and I don’t dare ask him, because I already know his answer. He’s not a relationship guy, and normally, I can have casual sex.
But this time, I can’t. Sex with Leo feels different—explosive and otherworldly, though I’d never say that out loud. Something about us is different, and I can’t figure out if it’s because we’re a bit older or if the two of us have changed so much since we first met.
Or maybe it’s all the feelings attached to us having sex. Yeah, that’s probably it. Feelings tend to muddle shit up, and this is no different.
Now, I’m stuck fucking him one more time before this pact of ours is over. I don’t know if my heart can survive, but it will have to when he calls it off after next time. I turn the music up to distract my thoughts.
I park in the lot of the store, and the three of us help Grant out, Hads walking next to him the entire way in. As soon as we walk into the bookstore, I feel like I can breathe a little better.
I swear, there’s something so healing about being surrounded by this many books. It’s a reader's dream, and it’s so different from the library that surrounds me at home.
“Does anyone have any good recommendations for our next book club read? Maybe some sort of holiday book since it’s almost that time of year…” I trail off as I browse the shelves.
“We can check out everything, but Grant has been going on and on about some book he saw online, but it’s an indie book, so I don't know if they’ll have it here,” Hads tells us, and Grant’s face lights up.
“Oh, we have to hear about this one, G,” Paige says.
“I’ve been watching way too much YouTube lately since I can’t go to work, and I found this girl who recommends books and does vlogs. Her sister wrote a book, and it sounds super heartbreaking. Olivia Hart is her name.”
“The author or the Youtuber?” I ask him.
“The author. Her sister’s name is Bree.”
Paige spins around. “Wait, I know that name… Bree Hart. Why does it sound so familiar?”
“I sent you that podcast about her, Paigey. She had a stalker a few years ago, and a bunch of podcasts have talked about it, even though nobody knows what happened.”
Paige’s eyes sadden. “Oh, yeah. Strong fucking girl.”
“Agreed,” Hads says as I lock eyes with her. “Grant made me listen to it.”
“Well, if we find her book, should we read it in January?” I ask, excited for another book to hopefully wreck my emotional state in the best way possible. I have two kinds of cravings when it comes to books: horny and depressing. Bonus points if a book can do both.
“I’m down,” Hads says.
“Me too! I love a good sad book,” Paige says.
“I’m so excited. Let’s head to the fiction section and look for it,” Grant says, and we all follow him. For a guy on crutches, he’s still pretty fucking fast. It must be the hockey player in him. “I see it! It’s the white cover.”
“Thankfully, there’s like ten copies here,” Hads tells us.
“Take the ones from the back!” Paige says as Hads hands her one.
Hads only laughs. “I’m not an amateur, babe.”
“Okay, so now that we have that out of the way, each of us should pick a book for one another that we think we would like. How does that sound?” I ask them.
“That sounds wonderful. Is this some sort of game, Ella? If so, is there a time limit?” Grant asks me, and I know he knows what I’m doing, because I sent him a video about it the other day. This guy gave his girlfriend two minutes to pick one book that he would buy for her. I’m putting a twist on this trend, though. I want us all to pick books tailored to each of us.
“Yes, but you get a few extra minutes because of the crutches,” I tell him.
“Thank you.”
“So, we each pick one book for each person?” Paige confirms, and I nod at her.
“Yes, but you only have three minutes. Grant gets six because it takes him twice as long.”
“Oh, this is so much fun,” Hads says, already looking around at where she’s going to go when I start the timer.
“Ready?” I ask as I pull up the timer. The three of them nod at me. “Go!”
And the four of us are off. I head right for the dark romance table. I wanted to get Paige this book I read a few weeks ago. It was about this sex club, and I think the first book is something she would love. The third book of the series makes me absolutely feral, and I need her to start this series so we can talk about it.
For Hads, I’m heading right to the front table. There’s this memoir I think she would love that one of the authors I work with told me about. It seems right up her alley, and I know she hasn't read it yet because I stalked her Goodreads account earlier.
I grab my second book and Paige flies by me toward the romance section.
“One minute, guys!”
“Shit!” I hear Hads say from behind a shelf. I’m glad there’s not many people here tonight. I know a Saturday night at the bookstore isn't really a rager for most people, but the four of us aren't most people. This is an ideal Saturday night for us.
For Grant, I head to grab this new hockey romance book I read on my Kindle the other day. I think he would appreciate the amount of hockey gameplay, and the relationship aspect was just as good. It’s Grant in a nutshell.
“Times up!” I say as I stop my alarm from going off. “Grant, you have three more minutes!”
“Can someone hold my books for me?” he asks, and Hads grabs the two he has in his hands before he drops them on the floor. “I only need one minute. Paige, follow me.”
“Ooh! Okay!” Paige smiles and follows Grant to the book he’s going to pick out for her.
Hads and I keep browsing around while they do that. “How have things been?”
Her gaze turns to me, and I notice relief in her features. “It’s been okay. I’m just glad he’s still in good spirits. It’s tough with him not working as many hours, but the school’s still paying him since he helps at practices, even if only from the bench.”
“And how are you?” I ask, because this is as tough on her as it is on him.
“I’m alright. I’ve been talking to my brother about my feelings about it. He knows how it feels, and he’s been surprisingly helpful when I worry about getting back into a car. I know I wasn't physically in the accident, but—”
“Hads, your fears are valid. It’s fucking scary being in the situation you were in. Whatever you’re feeling is valid. Just don’t be like Peyton in season one of One Tree Hill .” That girl was running red lights on purpose just to feel something.
She smiles at the reference. “I won’t. I promise.”
“Good,” I say as Paige and Grant come around the corner. “All done?”
“All done.” He smiles at us. “Are you guys ready to check out?”
“Yup!” Paige says as she locks arms with me. “This was fun, Ells. Thanks for the invite.”
“Thanks for coming out with me. It was a much needed distraction,” I tell them.
“Is everything okay?” Grant asks me, his hand somehow finding my shoulder as we stand in line.
“It is now,” I say to them, not wanting to dive into the shitstorm that is my life in the middle of a bookstore. One day, I’ll need them to help me decipher all my feelings about my mother, but for now, all I need is their company.
The only person who knows about what happened on Thanksgiving is Leo, and he doesn't even know the details, only that something fucked me up.
But I know no matter what, these three—and Oliver and Alissa—will be there for me when I’m ready to talk about it. Until then, their presence is all I need.
My battery feels recharged already, and it has only been a few hours.
“Do you guys want to get boba?” I ask as I grab my books from the cashier.
Three smiling faces meet my gaze.
“I take that as a yes,” I laugh as Paige links her arm with mine. As the sun sets, the four of us drive with the windows down and the music way too loud.