36. Chapter 36
36
Ominous As Shit
There’s something in the air today. I can’t pinpoint what, but since I got up, I’ve had this weird feeling sitting in my gut.
Maybe it’s the fact that I haven't talked to my family in a while, or maybe it’s because I have feelings for Leo, but all I feel is unsettled as I pull into the parking garage. I didn't even listen to music on the way here because of how I’m feeling.
I’m bummed my family hasn't reached out to me yet. I know I was the one who walked out, but they were the ones who invited my mother without telling me. I was the one who got ambushed, so as far as I’m concerned, they should reach out to me first.
But I’ve been fixing things my whole life. Not just with my family, but in general. I’m a fixer, and when I can’t do anything about that, I spiral a bit.
It drives me fucking insane that there’s a rift in my family I can’t fix—or don’t want to yet. They hurt me. My mother hurt me, and after all I said to their faces, I know I probably hurt them.
I’ve been holding all of that in for years, and now that it has been said, I can breathe better. I didn't realize how much weight it held over me until I purged it all from my system.
What doesn't help is that I miss them. Before all this shit happened, we had a nice routine going, and we talked every single day. Now, it feels like way too long since I’ve heard their voices.
I wish I could turn the part of me off that’s always looking out for them, but I can’t. It has been ingrained in me since I was a kid, and after so many years of always being the one to take care of others, I’m exhausted.
It’s tiring always being that person. One of these days, maybe I’ll allow myself to need someone like everyone seems to need me.
I sigh heavily as I finally get out of my car, hearing my name called almost immediately. When I turn and see Rae’s beautiful face heading toward me, I already feel like this morning is looking up.
“I brought you a coffee!” she smiles, stretching her hand out to me.
I almost burst into tears. “You’re a lifesaver.”
In my fog this morning, I forgot mine on the counter.
“It's Monday, Ells. I figured coffee can’t hurt. Why not start the week off right?” She smiles at me.
“I wish I had your optimism, Rae.” The two of us step into the elevator and when we get up to our floor, I can already feel this day looking up from whatever spiral I almost entered this morning.
But as Rae and I head to our offices, I can’t help but feel like everyone is staring at me. I feel crazy, but I feel their gazes hit my back as I turn the hallway to go to my office. I shake it off. I think I’m being paranoid. This week needs to be over already and it just started.
“I’ll see you at our meeting later?”
I stop in front of my door, confused because I don’t remember one being scheduled today.
“For our client, the chain restaurant?”
“Right.” It clicks as she mentions that. “Sorry, I forgot. It’s been a hectic few weeks.”
“It’s okay, babe. If you ever need to talk, I can shut my door, and we can pretend we’re on a conference call.”
I smile at her, thankful she’s here. If I didn't have her, I think I’d go crazy. “I might take you up on that,” I say as I swing my door open, only to find Leo already sitting in my office with all the lights off. “What are you doing here?”
“Ella, look, we need to—”
I set my stuff down on my desk. “Leo, you look like a fucking psychopath. Why were you sitting in the dark?”
“Because I have to tell you something, and I wanted to get to you first thing in the morning before anyone else did.”
That sounds ominous as shit. “Okay, I thought we were good? Is this some sort of ruse to get me to a secondary location and kill me, because Paige said—”
He shuts me up with his hand over my mouth, and I feel my back hit the wall. “Ella, just please let me explain.”
I shake my head out of his hold when I hear another voice clear their throat. Leo and I look over at the same time and see Brad leaning against the frame of my door that’s now open. I shove Leo away from me, and when I notice Brad smirking like the son of a bitch he is, I know something’s wrong.
“Brody wants to see you,” he says, looking right at me before his gaze shifts to Leo. “And you too, buddy.”
I almost roll my eyes at the buddy term. Of course, Leo has befriended these assholes.
“I just need to talk to Ella,” Leo says, not having moved from in front of me.
“It can wait,” I say, not wanting to leave Princess Brody waiting. He’s our superior, after all. Though, he couldn't even bother to come get us—he had to send his lackey to do it.
The men in this office wouldn't survive if they didn't have one another. Poor fucking bastards.
“Ella, please ,” Leo grits out. “It’s important.”
“After, okay?” I say, moving out from the wall and following Brad through the hallway. For some reason, he walks us both all the way to Brody’s office, and the rock in my gut gets heavier as I sit down and notice Leo’s leg won’t stop bouncing.
I doubt what he had to tell me was that important, though I’ve never seen him so serious before. Normally, he has the same smirk and asshole expression on his face—one that screams he knows he’s the hottest guy in every room. But this one looked genuinely worried, and I don’t know what to do with that information.
Leo hasn't said anything, and Brody just sits across from us with a smirk, so I break the weird silence. “You wanted to see us?”
“Indeed I did.”
“What does this pertain to? If it's about the project we’re working on, then—”
“No, it’s not that, Ella. In fact, it’s more interesting.” He leans back in his chair and throws his arms behind his head.
All my alarm bells are going off, and as I turn and see Leo with his head down, I get more nervous. What the hell is going on ?
“Well, I heard you two have been involved recently, and we can’t have that, can we?”
Involved? How the fuck did he find out? “I’m sorry, what?”
“I know about your little arrangement, Ella. You can drop the act.”
I have no idea how to react right now, and Leo not saying a fucking word isn't helping. Isn't he going to say something? He’s the one who’s all buddy-buddy with Brody, so he could easily get us out of this.
“And you called us in here to discuss a personal matter that doesn't pertain to you? Wow, that’s a new level of meddling, even for you, Brody.”
“This company has a zero tolerance policy for dating within the company.”
“We’re not dating. We’re not anything, so can we leave?” Leo asks, his leg still bouncing. I bet he’s itching for a cigarette right now .
“Well, Leo, I know you had nothing to do with it. It seems Ella is more conniving and manipulative than we thought, right?” Brody leans forward in his chair and smiles at Leo. What the fuck?
“I’m sorry, what did you say?”
“It’s become clear to me that Leo here had nothing to do with this little deal you two made. Ella, I knew you were desperate, but if you wanted to sleep with someone to get a promotion, your chances would have been better with me.”
I almost throw up in my mouth. “Excuse me?” I can barely form words. Where the fuck does Brody get off accusing me of this?
“Watch it, mate.” Leo leans forward in his chair. “It’s not just her involved in this. It does take two to tango, if you know what I mean.”
Brody only keeps looking at me, ignoring Leo. “What were you wearing to entice him, Ella? Or did you just get under his skin so much that he had to shut you up?”
“I don’t have to listen to this,” I say as I get up, but as I go to grab the door handle, he speaks again.
“It sure would be a shame if Imogen found out about this—or the board members.”
I turn around and march over to his desk. “Are you threatening me?”
He only shrugs his shoulders.
“Then you’d have to tell them about me too. I propositioned Ella, not the other way around.”
At least he’s sticking up for me. I’d have to cut his dick off if he just sat there silently. “What do you want, Brody?”
“I want you to know that I know all about this. Ever since Leo let it slip at the bar the other night, I’ve been thinking about what to do, and this is as sweet as I thought it would be. It’s going to be so much fun, holding this over your head, Ella, especially, since all you talk about all day is how terrible I am at my job and I don’t deserve the promotion I got. So, going forward, I hope I have your complete cooperation.”
I barely heard what he said after Leo’s name came out of his mouth. We both agreed to keep this between us, and he fucking ruined it. Brody only found out because Leo hung out with him outside of work and blabbed his stupid British mouth.
“Get fucked, Brody. I’ll tell Imogen myself if that’s what it comes to. I won’t have you blackmailing me when everyone knows I should be in your seat and not you. The only reason you got promoted is because you’re a man. And you’ve never known what it feels like to work hard and achieve something.” I turn to face Leo, but he can’t even meet my eyes.
I guess there’s my answer about what he wanted to talk about this morning.
I leave the office, slamming the door behind me as I head back to mine, anger and annoyance swimming through my veins. I swear, if someone even looks at me the wrong way today, I might kill them.
I go to close my office door, but Leo’s foot stops it.
“Get the fuck out,” I say, not wanting to listen to anything he has to say to me.
I trusted him to keep this a secret, and now this stupid pact we made is coming back to bite us in the ass. Well, not us. Me. It’s always the woman that gets blamed for shit like this, and I’m so fucking exhausted. Of course Brody is taking Leo’s side. Of course I’m getting blamed.
The thing that hurts the most is I thought I could trust Leo, and look where that got me. I feel like I’m the girl back in college struggling through her internship where nobody even spared a glance in her direction. I feel like that same small girl who wanted to have the same chances Leo had.
“Ella, let me explain.”
“No,” I say as I slam my laptop closed. “Get the fuck out, Zimmerman.”
“Ella—”
I shut my door and punch his chest. “You said nobody would find out! You came to me and asked to hook up because you needed a distraction, and I was fine with it! We had rules, Leo, and you were the one who broke them! I could lose my job if Brody blabs his fucking mouth!”
He runs a hand through his hair, his arms straining against his shirt. “I didn't mean for it to slip out, but I was drunk, and—”
I start to laugh. “That’s no excuse.” I jam my finger into his chest. “I thought I could trust you. I thought we were—” My voice breaks on the last word before I cut myself off, and I have to will myself not to cry because of how mad I am.
I’m glad I’m a yeller when I cry. I’m glad I still have a voice through my tears because I’ve always cried alone in my room where nobody could see it, but right now, all I want to do is yell and scream.
Knowing I’m in my office, I can’t. But I sure can do it with Leo since we’re in the corner of the floor.
“You can trust me! I can convince Brody to keep his mouth shut and—”
I put my hand over his mouth. “I’m sure he’ll fail to mention your involvement, but my name will be the first thing that falls from his fucking lips.”
“I can fix it, Ella.” Leo says when I pace around my office.
“No, you can’t. You’re the one who ruined it in the first place!”
I thought I could trust him. I thought he had changed, and for a split second, I thought we could turn this pact into something long-lasting and serious. All of that went out the window as soon as Brody said Leo’s name in the office minutes ago.
I thought I was falling into him more and more every time I saw the man underneath who I thought he was. I thought all those late night talks, all the times he comforted me meant he changed—that he wasn't who I thought he was.
I could have loved Leo.
It turns out, I was wrong, and that guy was still underneath all the walls I built around him. Leo Zimmerman is still the same annoying, untrustworthy, pain in my ass he always has been. I should have known a few rounds of sex and some vulnerable chats wouldn't change who he really is.
“Ella,” my name rolls off his lips like some sort of prayer. “Please let me fix this. Don’t shut me out.”
“I should have seen this coming. God, I’m such a fucking idiot.” I slump down in my chair and start packing up my things.
“Where are you going?” he asks, suddenly appearing in front of my chair. He’s kneeling on my fucking floor, and I want to kick him in the shins.
“Home. I can’t bear to look at your fucking face through my window all day. I can work from there.”
“Ella—”
“Stop, Leo! Stop pretending like you give a fuck about me! The game is over. Our pact is done, so you can go back to being the normal asshole I know you are.”
His face is stone cold. “Ella, I wasn't pretending.”
“Stop lying to me and get out.”
His hand grabs my chin and forces me to look at him. “You have every right to be pissed at me, but don’t shut me out when I come to talk to you about this in a few days. Because we will talk, Ella, and we’re going to lay all of this shit out on the table.”
“Great, I’ll see you around. I have some free time in about fifty years, is that okay?”
He releases my face and drops his head into my lap. “Promise me you’ll answer when I call.”
I can feel the small piece of my heart remaining start to break. I can’t trust him. I can’t fall for him, even though I already have. I have to let him go, but part of me doesn't want to. Part of me actually wants to hear him out, but I also want to kick him so hard in the balls that he doubles over.
“Whatever we had between us is over.” He lifts his head to look in my eyes. “As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing else to talk about.”
And then, I get up and walk out of my office. By the time I get to my car, I’ve sent Imogen a message about working at home for the rest of the week since it isn't too busy, and she said that was fine. She’s out of the office this morning, and I’m glad she didn't witness any of the shit that happened first-hand.
I’m sure half of the office heard me yell at Leo, and I don’t even care. Leo Zimmerman and I are no longer on speaking terms, and even though it’s what I had to do, the ache in my heart still sits on my chest.
When I get into my car, the tears start to fall.
In the past few weeks, I’ve lost my family, whatever Leo was to me, and if I’m not careful, my friends might finally catch up and see I’m not worth it.
Even I don’t feel like I’m worth it lately, and as I drive home, it feels hard to keep trying to stay afloat like I always am. All I’ve wanted from the people around me is what I give them, but I’m so tired of waiting for the right people to treat me how I deserve.
I’m fucking exhausted, and I’ve finally hit my breaking point after all these years.
I’m the dumbest motherfucker on the planet.
I should have told her sooner. I had all day yesterday to go over to her place and prepare us for what just happened.
God, the look on her fucking face. Everything she said was like a stab to a different part of my heart.
“I thought I could trust you.”
Those words are what killed me. She can trust me, but my slip-up to Brody was completely my fault. I was too fucking drunk, and I can’t even blame her for acting how she did.
I’m surprised she didn't slap me or something, but Ella had some sort of tunnel vision going on—I could see it in her eyes.
I have to fix this. I have to, because hearing her say all that shit and seeing the tears fall from her face? Yeah, I never want to be the one to cause that ever again.
Once upon a time, I was becoming the guy she ran toward when things in her life were getting tough, and I thought we were turning the corner and opening a locked door we’ve never gone through.
I’m the only one to blame for keeping the lock on that door.
Never again will I cause Ella pain.
Never fucking again.