37. Chapter 37
37
My Fatal Flaw
Hads: Ella, are you okay?
Paige: Are we still on for book club at your place tomorrow?
Hads: If you don’t answer, we’re coming over there.
Paige: It has been a while since we’ve heard from you and we’re worried!
Grant: Ells, we need to know you’re okay.
Grant: Please.
Oliver: If you’re dead, I’m killing you.
Paige: Oliver! Don't say that
It has been two days of letting my anger brew and sit in my body. I’ve barely moved from my desk chair since I got home on Monday. Now, it’s Wednesday, and I’ve gone radio silent on everything.
Not that anybody has really tried calling me anyway. Alissa’s even worried about me. She keeps bringing me meals because I can’t bear to leave my room. I’ve gone through a thousand different emotions in the past two days, and all I want to do is stop feeling all of this. I want to shut my emotions off and just exist, because that seems a whole lot easier than feeling all of this at once.
My family is broken. Leo betrayed my trust. Amelia has been radio silent for months.
Sooner or later, I think the rest of my friends will leave too. They texted me yesterday, and I still haven't answered them. I feel guilty about that, but I can’t get out of the headspace I’m in where I’m a bother.
I feel like a giant placeholder in everyone's lives, and at the same time, I’ve fallen out of the lives of everyone who’s important to me.
I slam my laptop closed since it’s after five, and as I do, I swear I hear my door slam open. Alissa isn't supposed to be home for another few hours since she’s working late. She left me a note on the counter this morning, along with three fully prepared and wrapped meals in the fridge. All I have to do is heat them up.
I cried about that this morning. She hasn't asked about what’s going on with me, and part of me wants to blab and tell her everything.
But the other part of me is too afraid to say it all out loud—to admit I had feelings for her brother and he let me down. Why tell her anyway? It’s not like anything is going to happen between us now. Unlike Leo, I’m capable of keeping a fucking secret.
“Ella?” a familiar voice shouts in my living room.
I grab a cardigan and open my door. When four familiar faces meet mine, I know I can’t hide from them anymore.
A few more tears start to fall as I look at them.
They came for me. They didn't run away, they still aren't running now, and I know it’s not because they need something from me.
“Ells?” Paige whispers as she comes closer, wiping a few of my tears.
“I’m really happy to see you guys,” I tell them all.
Grant crutches over to me, throwing them onto my couch as he reaches me and wraps his arms around me. “We’re so glad you’re okay.”
I feel three more sets of arms wrap around me—a fourth barely touching me, and I know that’s Oliver—and I break. I can’t hold it in any longer. I’m so fucking tired of presenting myself as this impenetrable person when, in reality, I’m barely holding it together.
And in the arms of four people I love, of four people I know love me for who I am, I sob.
When I pull back and look at them through my tears, I center myself. “Grant, get your crutches back. You’re supposed to be healing.”
“Ella, just let us worry about you for once. Fuck my leg. I want to know what’s going on with you.”
“If you want to talk about it, of course.” Paige smiles at me.
“Or we could go for a drive?” Hads suggests, and that actually does sound nice. I definitely need to get out of my apartment for a bit. I’ve been inside the four walls of my room for too long, and I think a change of scenery could do me some good.
“That sounds good,” I say, my voice raw from how much crying I’ve done lately. I hate it. I hate feeling weak and emotional, but I need to feel all of this and cry it out, or it’s going to fester.
I don’t even know what I’m crying over sometimes—the tears just fall as I think about all of it.
“I’ll drive,” Paige says, a smile on her face as she adjusts her tote bag on her arm.
“No offense, P, but I’ll drive,” Oliver says as he takes the keys from her. “You three girls are in the back. Pretty boy can sit in the front with me.”
“Okay,” is all I can say as Hads grabs my water bottle, fills it up for me, and the five of us head out to the parking lot, all filing into Oliver’s car.
Grant turns the music on, and it plays quietly as Oliver starts to drive. Paige is in the middle of Hads and me in the back, and the two of them stare at me for a few seconds before I unload all the past few weeks onto them. I spare no details as I recount Leo and I’s agreement, how I might be falling for him, Brody’s ambush at work, and everything that has been going on with my mom. By the time I’m done, they’re all sporting the same expression.
Well, Oliver looks the same as he always does.
“So, that’s it.”
Grant turns around way too fast for someone who’s injured. “That’s it? Ella, what the fuck?”
“What?”
“You just dropped like twenty bombs on us in the span of half an hour, and you're acting like it’s nothing!” Hads tells me.
“And?”
Paige grabs my hand, squeezing it softly. “You might be a superhero, because I don’t know how you’ve been carrying all of this for the past few months on your shoulders.”
“It didn't seem difficult. It’s what I’ve always done, but lately, I’ve been tired. Exhausted. I don’t think I can handle one more bad thing happening.” I might actually hit rock bottom if anything else were to happen. “I’m not good at sharing my feelings, and I’ve always dealt with things myself.”
“You don’t have to anymore, Ells,” Hads says, her hand coming around to my shoulder. “You have us.”
“No, I know—”
Grant cuts me off. “Ells, I know we’ve always joked about you being the mom friend of the group, but that doesn't mean you always have to put everyone before yourself.”
“Guys, I—”
Oliver, of all people, cuts me off. “What you’ve been going through is some serious shit, Ella. Just because you’re always taking care of us doesn't mean when you’re going through some shit, we don't want to hear about it, because we do.”
I know that. Deep down, I do, but it’s still hard for me to rely on people, especially when I’m always afraid that in a few weeks or months, they’ll leave like my mom did. “It’s my fatal flaw. I care way too much about everyone else and not enough about myself.”
“We know, Ella.” Paige smiles at me. “But we love you anyway. We just want you to know if you need a shoulder to lean on, someone to rant with, or advice, we’re here.”
“And we’re not going anywhere,” Hads says, a flicker of disappointment on her face because one of us did leave and not come back.
“Damn right.” Grant reaches back and puts his hand on my knee. “Ella, we want to take care of you as much as you take care of us all the time. You just have to let us in.”
Tears start to fall from my eyes. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to hear, deep down. That I'm not too much. That I’m worth the extra effort of people wanting to do what I do for them. My whole life, I’ve been searching for someone who would do that for me, and now, I’ve found four people who want to.
Not because I asked them to, but because they love me.
“Thank you,” I say as Paige wipes my tears. “Can I start now?”
“Go for it, babe,” Hads says.
“That’s what we’re here for,” Oliver says as he turns his signal on. He’s the last person I thought would want to listen to all my shit, but he’s full of surprises. Paige must really be doing a number on him.
“Okay, one thing at a time,” I say as I take a deep breath. “What the hell do I do about my mom?”
“P,” Grant says, throwing the conversion to her.
“Well, it sounds like you finally got to tell her everything you’ve wanted to for years. How did it feel?”
“Freeing.” That’s the first and only word that came to mind. I know whatever I said isn't going to change her mind and undo all the shit she put us through, but I feel better knowing she understands how her actions hurt me.
“And do you want to have a relationship with her going forward?”
That’s the question I’ve been struggling with the past week, because I have no idea. I can only shrug my shoulders.
“It sounds like she didn't apologize for the past,” Oliver says.
“She didn't, and I hated how my dad and sister ambushed me with her on Thanksgiving, of all days.” It was supposed to be a normal holiday like it has been my whole life, but of course, that day of all days was when they decided to do it. “I don’t think I need her anymore.”
That’s what happens when you grow up: you stop needing or relying on your parents and you become an adult who can stand on your own two feet. I’ve had my dad there for me, but have I? He was working so much, he barely raised me. It’s pretty much been Lizzie and I since I could remember, I basically raised myself.
Did I ever really need them? Yes. It would have been nice to experience my childhood and live without all those responsibilities hanging over my head, but I also don’t need her now. I don’t need my mother, even though I’ve always secretly hoped she’d come back my whole life.
“What do I do about my family? They haven't spoken to me since I stormed out on Thanksgiving.”
“They might just be giving you space, Ells,” Hads says.
“You basically poured your heart out to them on Thanksgiving, and assuming you’ve never said any of that before, they probably didn't know,” Grant reminds me.
“Yeah, there’s no way they would have. I kept all my feelings buried in front of them.” Like I always do.
“So, they’re both probably seeing things from a new perspective, and they might need time like you do.” Hads brings up a good point.
“What about Leo and this situation at work?” Oliver asks me, and my heart bottoms out of my chest.
“I have no clue what to do about him. We had a time limit with the pact, and I doubt he would want to continue it just because I’m having confusing feelings.”
“Are they really that confusing?” Paige asks me, her gaze moving to Grant and back.
“Yeah, I mean, we all saw this coming. I thought he would fall first, not you.” Grant winks at me.
“Don’t listen to those two,” Oliver tells me. “Listen to your feelings, Ella. Only you know what you want.”
“I don’t know what I want, but I know I feel safe with him. I ran to him after the huge Thanksgiving blow up.”
“What?” Paige screams. “You didn't tell us that!”
“I didn't know where else to go, and if I was alone, I might have spiraled so far that I’d never come out. My car basically drove itself to his place.”
“Oh, you’re gone for that man, Ells. Might as well give in now,” Grant says.
Hads smacks his arm. “Take some time to really think about it. It could just be the sex clouding your brain.”
“Yeah, it might. Plus, I don’t know if I can trust him after everything that happened at work. I might have weird feelings for him, but can I trust him? My gut says no.”
“Talk to him about it. Maybe let him explain,” Oliver says as he parks the car in my lot.
I guess I never did give him a chance to tell me what happened, but would that change anything? I don’t know if it could, but it's something I have to figure out. “You guys are right.”
“Of course we are. And as for this work situation, if you think you’re outgrowing it, it might be time to move on, and that’s okay too.” Hads smiles. “Just think about it. We love you, Ells. Don’t ever doubt that again, okay?”
I nod at them. “I won’t.”
“Good, because you can’t get rid of us that easily. You’re stuck with us for life—until we’re all old and sitting on our porches talking about books,” Paige says, her eyes getting glassy at the picture she just painted.
My phone buzzes as she says that, and when I see my dad’s contact pop up, a smile comes to my face.
Dad: I know you’re probably still upset with us, and you have every right to be.
Dad: But Lizzie hasn't come out of her room in two days, and I’m not sure what to do.
“I’ll see you guys soon,” I say as I hug them all the best I can before I hop out of the car. As I watch them drive away, the girls waving at me from the back seat, a few more tears fall from my eyes.
If my memory was to be erased tomorrow, I know for a fact I could never forget them. Those girls and the bond we have is infinite, and we fit together like a key going into a lock.
I take a deep breath as I answer my dad, already getting in my car.
Ella: I’m on my way.
An hour later, I softly open the door to the place I used to call home, and my dad perks up from the couch as I come in. Thank goodness I’m working from home for the rest of the week. It’s late, and by the time I get back, it’s going to be even later.
“Hi,” I say.
“Hey, bug.”
“Is she upstairs?” I ask, unsure of what else to say.
He nods at me, and as I start up the stairs, I hear him say something else.
“I’m sorry.”
I know he’s talking about more than just Thanksgiving, and as I turn around to face him, his face full of regret, I let a few tears fall. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not.” He shakes his head. “But I’m proud of you, Ella.”
“We’ll talk later, okay?”
He nods at me, returning to whatever he was watching as I walk up the stairs, headed straight for my sister's room. I knock on the door and hear her mumble something.
“It’s me, Lizzie.”
I hear a few footsteps before the door swings open, and I barely have time to say anything before she wraps her arms around me.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbles as I squeeze her. I can hear her voice tight with emotions, and my first instinct is to make it better, but maybe all she needs from me right now is a hug.
Trying to rewire my brain to stop having my first thought being to fix something is going to be hard, but I need to let the people I love figure things out for themselves sometimes.
“Do you want to sit?” I ask as she leans back from me.
“Yes.” She grabs my hand and leads me to her small twin bed, the two of us sitting cross legged across from one another like we used to when we were kids.
I don't say a word as I wait for her to start the conversation. She might need me to listen to her, and I don't know what happened in the past week with our mom to make her upset. Or maybe it was because of what I said? I don’t know, but my stomach is flipping as I wait.
“I’m sorry about Thanksgiving. It was all my fault, and I guess I didn't think it would go the way it did. Looking back, I realize I was a little naive.”
“It’s okay, Liz. I’m sorry for my outburst.”
“Don’t apologize, Ells.” A few tears fall from her eyes. “I never realized how hard it was for you. I only really focused on my own pain, but hearing you say all that to Mom opened my eyes to what you went through too. You had more pressure on you, but you always made sure I was okay as a kid. So, thank you. Thank you for all you did and all you continue to do for me and Dad.”
“You don’t need to thank me, Lizzie. You’re my sister.” I grab her hand. “I would do anything for you.”
It’s quiet for a few moments before I hear her sniffle and speak softly. “Mom has been flaking on our last few get-togethers.”
My heart breaks as I hear her say that. “I’m sorry, Liz.” I know my sister wanted to have more of a relationship with her than I did, but I guess I wished our mother changed enough to give it a shot with her. It kind of feels like my fault. My outburst was warranted, but it might’ve made her second guess even trying to have a relationship with Lizzie.
Tears fall onto my sister's shirt, and I grab the tissue box from her side table, handing her a few. “I thought she changed.”
“Look at me, sis,” I say, and she does. “She might’ve changed, but sometimes, people do things that don’t make sense. It’s not on you, Lizzie. Her leaving and flaking isn't on you; it’s on her.”
“I wish I was as protective of my heart as you are. Maybe then, I would realize some people don’t deserve the chances I give them.”
“I love how open you are to seeing the good in people, Liz. You shouldn't change that about yourself just because of her.” I squeeze her hands. “You just need to be a little more protective of who you give your heart to. Don’t let what she did break your faith in people.”
“I would love to have her in my life, but I don’t know if I can handle being hurt over and over again.”
My heart breaks when she says that. I’m not sure there’s a normal piece of it left with how many blows it has taken over the past few weeks, but whatever was left just shattered. “It’s hard, Lizzie. It’s difficult putting your all into someone like her. Maybe you need to start slower with her and let her prove she’s going to stick around. Baby steps, you know?”
She nods at me. “Yeah, I think you’re right. Maybe I tried to jump into the deep end without having any floaties on.”
I laugh at her metaphor. “That’s a good way to describe it.”
She sighs heavily, and I can still see the weight of all this on her shoulders.
“Just don’t let this break you, Liz. It took me a really long time to learn that the decisions she made don’t have to define who I am and how I love going forward. It’s hard to come to terms with that, and it’s a fight every single day to remind myself what she did won’t define who I am.”
“How do you do it? How do you make it seem so easy?”
I shake my head. “It’s not. I’ve been faking it until I make it, which isn't the best, so don’t do that. But we have to wake up every day and fight to not let her actions determine who we are. I’m not her, Lizzie, and neither are you. We’re only parts of our parents, and our experiences in life make us who we are. We’re a culmination of so many different things. We’re not only who we’re born from.”
She nods at me, her face twisted as the words sink in.
“It’s not because of you, Lizzie. I need you to remember that.”
“I will, Ella. Thank you.” She leans forward, and I wrap her in my arms, tears falling from my eyes as we hug. It feels good to be home.
“Now, let’s say we go downstairs and watch a movie with Dad?”
Her smile brightens her face. “Don’t you have to work tomorrow?”
“I’m working from home, but for tonight, I want to hang with you guys. I’ve missed you.”
“We’ve missed you too,” Lizzie says as she grabs my hand and drags me down the stairs.
As I surround myself with my family, all is well again. Even if I’m still unsure about everything with Leo, I’m glad my family is still intact for nights like this.
Home has always been the most important thing to me, and that will never change.