38. Chapter 38
38
Just A Distraction
December 2nd
It’s Monday morning, and I’ve barely slept since last week.
Ella’s been working from home since the big blowup with Brody, and my leg shakes underneath my desk as I wait to see if she’s coming in today. I hate that she hasn't answered any of my messages. I hate that I keep looking up from my computer to see if she’s in her office, but I’m worried about her.
I even asked my sister how she was, but Alissa wouldn't give me much of anything because she thought I was joking when I asked her about Ella. Then, she told me to stay away from her because she’s going through something and I would only add fuel to the fire.
So all I’ve been doing the past few days is try to not think about Ella and the situation we’re in, but it hasn't worked. I’ve tried to distract myself by throwing myself into the projects here, by working out until I can’t breathe, but it hasn't helped.
I don’t even know why I’m so up in arms over this, but I need her to know I’m sorry. I didn't want this to happen, and it pisses me off that Brody is holding this over her head. Only hers, because the guy is a fucking arsehole.
When I see movement in my peripheral vision, my head shoots up, and I see a familiar figure walk into her office and settle at her desk.
I should give her some time. Maybe I’ll wait and see if she comes to me first. I don’t want to look too pushy.
I type random shit on my computer before my legs move of their own volition toward her office. I don’t bother knocking, since her door is open, and when she sees me walk in, she doesn't make a face. That’s good, right?
“H-Hi. Hey.” I sound like a blubbering idiot.
“Hi, Leo.”
She didn't say my last name, so that’s good, I think. “How are you?” What a stupid fucking question.
“I’m okay.” She sets her water bottle down on her desk. “Did you need something?”
“Get a drink with me after work.” It was supposed to be a question, but it comes out like a statement. No wonder I piss her off.
She takes a few seconds to ponder my offer. “Okay.”
“Really?”
She and I are both surprised by my answer. “Yeah. Just let me know when you’re leaving, and we can head there together.”
“Okay,” I say as I leave her office. “I’m glad you’re back.”
Her gaze meets mine as her computer turns on. “Thanks.”
I head back to my office and try to get some shit done, but I fail, because I’m way too excited to see Ella after work in an environment we can’t get fired from.
I open the door for Ella as we head into a small restaurant around the corner from the office. I’ve only been here once before—the last time being with Brody and Brad. I’m sticking with one drink this time. I’d hate to see what would slip out of my mouth around Ella, and I’m not sure I want to find out.
I pull her chair out for her, and the two of us sit across from one another as we place our orders. Ella gets a small appetizer, as do I. I’m not too hungry, and all I want to do is talk with her. That’s the whole reason I invited her out. I needed a neutral place to have a chat.
“So, how has work been since I’ve been gone?” she asks, breaking the silence.
“Quiet.”
“Really? I bet with asshole one and asshole two, you’ve been riding high on getting the publishing contract.” She takes a sip of her drink. “I assume you got it?”
“Not exactly. Brody said it was mine if I wanted it.”
She raises her brow at me. “I’d say yes, Leo. There’s no way he’s giving it to me without strings attached.”
I shake my head. “I didn't earn it. We should ask Imogen to decide instead of him.”
“It’s fine. Take it. You did earn it.”
“No, I—”
“Did you ask me out here just to talk about work? We could have done that at the office.” She sips her martini as our appetizers come. “Thank you.”
“No, I didn't.”
“Then stop talking about work. It’s not everything, you know.”
I scoff at that. “You’re the biggest workaholic I know.”
“I’m a perfectionist, but lately, I’ve realized there’s more to life than working your ass off all the time, especially when it’s not worth it.”
“What do you mean?”
She leans forward, her elbows on the table as her arms cross. “There’s more to life than work, and I know me saying that sounds insane, but it’s true. I thought my standings at work dictated my whole life, and ever since we left college, I’ve been struggling to find a balance between it all.”
That sounds eerily familiar. I took a bit of time off in between this job and graduating to help take care of my father, but I still worried every second about not being able to find a job over here. It’s hammered into you your entire four years at university—your first job post-graduation is the most important thing you’ll do. It’s all I obsessed over at our internship and in our classes.
I guess as I look back with all I know now, it really doesn't matter that much.
I miss having a life that didn't revolve around work. I miss being able to leave work at the office, but I find it keeps seeping out while I’m at home. It’s probably part of the reason I’ve been stressed out ever since I got back here—besides all the shit with my dad, of course.
“You have to take time to find out who you are in the world, not just at the office. It’s become abundantly clear to me recently I’ve been putting too much focus on things that drain me.” She takes another sip of her drink. “Brody being an asshole opened my mind more than I care to admit.”
I take a bite of my food. “You’re right. Is that why you want me to say yes to the publishing company as a client? To focus more on your life?”
She shrugs her shoulders. “Maybe. Or maybe I’ve outgrown the job I do now. I haven't really decided yet.”
I never thought I’d see the day Ella Williams would be saying all this. The girl was a fucking force to be reckoned with at our internship. Before her, I’d never seen anyone so passionate about anything, let alone what we were doing.
Now that I know her a little better, I know that’s who she is as a person. In everything she does, Ella gives her all. I don’t think she knows a setting below one hundred and ten percent.
I want to ask her about us, about the pact we made, but I have no idea where to start or what to say, so the two of us eat and drink in silence.
If I ask her, she might get up and leave. We were only supposed to have sex one more time before she called it off. Maybe she thinks that twice with me—technically four, if you count the other two—is enough. Nobody else has ever lasted this long, and it still shocks me she agreed to fuck me more than once on purpose.
I feel like a broken record, but maybe it’s because I am—broken, that is. Maybe I’m not wired for the love my parents share. It’s not lost on me that I’ve never even attempted it, but if I tried, I doubt it would work.
I’m a one and done kind of guy. One and done is all people will ever want from me, which is probably why I throw myself into my work—I’ve never had a relationship to distract me from it.
But do you want that?
I’m unsure of what I really want out of life. I think Ella’s right. I need to figure out who I am outside the office. I need to figure out who I want to be in the world, not the persona I’ve been showing everyone since I was in college.
One night stands were fine back then because I didn't need any distractions from my studies, but I don’t think I ever really focused on what would happen after I left.
It didn't seem important, but now that I’m adrift out in the world all on my own, I have to decide who I want to be. I don’t want to be the guy who overworks himself and never has any friends because he’s too busy at the office. I want to be there for my family, for my friends, for the person I fall in love with when the time comes.
If I close my eyes, I imagine it could be Ella.
But with our history and how complicated things are between us, I shake that out of my head. I’m a distraction to her, and after tonight, we’ll go back to normal.
Just like it was meant to be.
“So…” She trails off, twisting the stem of her glass between her fingers.
“Do you want to ask me something, Williams?” I can tell she does. She has this look on her face, like she’s trying to look straight into my brain, like she’s trying to see what I’m thinking.
“About our pact,” she says.
Part of me is nervous. I don’t know what she’s going to say. “What about it?”
“Do you think we should continue it? I know I ended it at the office, but that was a spur of the moment thing.”
It feels like that question has a double meaning, but I’m unsure of what else she’s trying to say. “Well, neither of us wants to lose our jobs if Brody decides to blab, right?
She nods, her face tight, as if she wasn't expecting me to say that.
“And it was just a casual thing between us,” I confirm with her.
Another nod. “Exactly, so we’ll have no problem going back to how it was before. That’s what we both want, right?”
Her face studies mine as she waits for my answer. I don’t know what to say. I feel like I’m on the spot, and part of me wants to sprint out of this conversation as fast as I can.
Because the truth is, I don't have a clue what I want, especially where it concerns her. The past few weeks have fucked my mind up, and I’m afraid to say something that will make her run.
Plus, I doubt Ella has even considered being in my life after this. All we’ve talked about is going back to being coworkers; that is, if she’s not thinking about leaving Loft Media. I wouldn't blame her if she did, especially since Brody would keep lording this over her head.
“Yes, that is what we agreed upon when we started,” I tell her, swirling my drink around in my glass, unwilling to look at her face.
She’s silent for a few moments, so I look up, and her mask slips back into place. She looks composed, like she always does in most of our conversations. “Good.”
“Yes, great.”
The bill slides onto our table and neither of us moves to grab it, the two of us suspended in time, as if the words from our conversation wrapped around one another and won’t let us go.
I grab it before she can. “It’s on me.”
“Are you sure?”
“I asked you to come out, Ella.”
“I know, but this isn't a date, so—”
I reach over and grab her hand. “Just accept the free dinner. It’s my fault you're in the mess with Brody. If I had kept my mouth shut—”
She cuts me off this time. “Leo, it’s okay. Actually, it’s helped me realize a lot of things, so I guess I have you to thank.”
“My pleasure,” I say as I raise my glass.
She grabs her coat, throwing it on as she rises from her chair. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
I only nod as I sip my drink.
“Have a good night, Leo.”
She walks away, and I’m stuck watching her leave, wishing I had an idea of how I really feel about her.
It shouldn't be this hard, watching her leave. We weren't exclusive. We were fuck buddies—distractions from the shit we didn't want to think about, and that was all.
But each step she takes feels like a stab in my chest, and as she swings the door open and doesn't spare a single glance back, I realize I made a mistake.
And as I go to run after her, throwing some bills down on the table, my phone rings.
I pick it up, not knowing who’s on the other end of the line.
“Hello?”
“Leo, something’s happened.”