39. Chapter 39
39
If You Need Me, I'm There
I feel like my heart just got stomped on.
Of course , Leo doesn't want anything serious. I shouldn't have even asked him about the pact and what it meant for us going forward. I knew what the outcome was going to be, but I still asked because a small part of me thought he might have changed his mind.
He didn't, and now, I feel like an idiot.
Leo has always been an answering machine that’s full. He will always be the guy with options upon options because of how he looks, who he is, and what he wants. Casual . I can’t wait to overhear about all his conquests at work since we’re done. I’m sure he’ll have one tonight since I’m not having sex with him anymore.
I’m trying to make myself feel better by thinking about all of this, but it’s not working.
I knew Leo was never a guarantee. I knew this stupid pact wouldn't end how I wanted it to, even though I agreed to do it; falling for him was never an option for me.
But my heart and head got different memos, and I fell for Leo so quickly, I didn't even know it was happening. It feels like overnight, he became someone important to me, and even though that’s scary to think about, it feels right. In my soul, we make sense.
Normally, I don't allow myself to depend on others, but I think with him, I could.
I can’t even remember what my days were like before him. Leo Zimmerman is burned into my life like a goddamn forest fire that no amount of water could put out. I’d willingly walk into his flames, if he would only let me.
The only things I’ve ever wanted in life were comfort and success. I wanted to have the ability to stop worrying about money and my family, and right now, I don’t have those worries. I make enough to support myself, and even the work I do for authors keeps expanding as more of them discover my services.
If I was brave, I would quit my job and do that full-time, but I can’t. I have the financial stability I’ve always craved, and I don’t want to let that go until I’m sure I have enough saved to pull the plug.
My life feels like a bunch of different moving parts, and I know I can’t make any big decisions right now. I’m not heartbroken per se, but I am disappointed I misread Leo and my situation.
I step into my apartment, sliding out of my coat and boots since December just started and it’s fucking cold out. It hasn't snowed yet, and I’m thankful for that. Driving in the snow is the worst, especially heading toward work where all the traffic is.
“Liss? Sorry I’m late. I got stuck doing something for my boss, and I—” I stop when I see Alissa running around the kitchen, clothes in her arms as if she grabbed them out of the dryer and forgot a basket. “Liss?”
She doesn't spin to greet me. I know she’s not ignoring me; I think she’s in hyperfocus mode, and not in a good way. She’s got tunnel vision, and I jump right into action as I follow her into her room.
Her suitcases are spread out on her bed, and she’s haphazardly throwing clothes into them with no rhyme or reason. If we were together, I’d ask if she was leaving me, but I’ve never seen her so out of sorts.
I softly knock on her door so I don’t scare her. “Alissa, what’s going on?”
She turns to face me, tears streaming down her face as her arms brace herself against her dresser. She’s shaking—like full body shaking.
“I-It’s my Dad.”
I rush her, knowing she might need some help staying on her feet. “What happened?” I ask as I throw my arms around her.
“He’s in the hospital. He had a stroke,” she sobs into my shoulder. “He might not make it this time.”
Oh, fuck. I hug her a little tighter before I pull back. “What can I do to help?” I don’t even wait for her to answer before I start packing her suitcases in a neater manner. Her brain is spiraling, and I know with news like this, all she can focus on is getting back to England.
So, I do what I know best—I make it easier for her.
“Do you have a flight yet?”
“N-No, all I did was call Leo. He’s picking me up.”
“Okay, well, get a flight for you guys and I’ll handle this, okay?” I look over at her, and it looks like she’s frozen in time. “One step at a time, Liss. Can you do that for me?”
She nods as she heads to the kitchen, her laptop still on the counter.
I grab some outfits I know she has worn before and throw them in. I find her passport and all the important documents she needs for the airport and place them on her dresser in a neat pile. Then, I pack the essentials and her favorite perfume. She didn't tell me how long she was going to be gone, so I pack enough for at least two weeks.
I throw her important stuff in her carry-on, and when I hear a few knocks on our door, I rush to open it, not wanting Alissa to worry. She told me Leo was coming to get her, but I can’t imagine he got here that fast. I left him at the restaurant with most of his drink left, so I assume he went to his place when she called him.
When I open the door and see him standing in front of me, still in the same clothes he wore to work, hair a mess, eyes red and puffy, all I want to do is make his pain go away.
I can’t, but I try anyway.
I throw my arms around him and try to take some of the weight off his shoulders. This was his biggest fear: his dad dying when he’s not there to help.
If I was him, I’d be going crazy. I bet he is; he’s just really good at hiding it.
But you can’t hide from someone who does the exact same thing, and I know nothing I do or say will help him.
His arms wrap around me, and I feel him cry into my shoulder. Gone is the man from a few hours ago who was so sure of himself, so confident.
In his place is a helpless man who doesn't want to fly back home only for his father to have passed and he wasn't there to say goodbye.
My heart aches for the Zimmerman family. I know I can only help them so much, but I wish I could do more.
Leo and I detach, and I let him fully into our place. “Alissa is in the kitchen.”
He nods before following me in, shutting the door behind him. His sister looks up when we enter; she takes one look at her brother and starts to cry. He passes by me and goes right to Alissa, and I stand here feeling helpless.
Two people I care about are going through something I can’t fix. I can’t make it better, and it’s killing me.
The sounds of their tears are all I can hear, that and sniffling, as I try to busy my hands with something.
“I haven't even booked tickets yet,” Alissa says into her brother's chest. “Leo, I can’t believe this is happening. Do you think he’s—”
“Don't go there,” I tell them. “You’ll drive yourself crazy. Just trust they’re doing everything they can. And when you get there, you’ll know more.”
“She’s right, Liss,” Leo says, his voice tight with emotion. “Let me get the tickets.”
“What else can I do to help?” I ask them. “I can water the plants while you’re gone, and Leo, if you need anything done at your place, I can—”
“Come with us,” Alissa says to me, and I swear I misheard her.
“I can’t, Liss. I—”
“Babe, please. I could use a familiar face who isn't one of my family members. I need you to keep me grounded if something goes wrong.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “What about the apartment?”
“Can one of the girls water my plants?”
“I can ask them, but—”
“You should come, Ella,” Leo says, catching me even more off guard. “We’re both going to need someone like you around.”
“Guys, this is your family. I don't want to intrude.”
Alissa grabs my hands. “You won’t be.” She wraps her arms around me. “I need you, Ells.”
“Okay. If you need me, I’m there.” I have to tell work and my family—both of them. I’m sure the girls are going to have a million questions, but I’ll answer them at some point. “Liss, you’re all packed, but double check and make sure I didn't miss anything. Give me five minutes, and I’ll be ready.”
“I’m buying tickets,” Leo says, his sister's computer in his hands. “There are a few seats left on the flight leaving at ten tonight.”
“Try to grab three in the same row,” Alissa says.
“I am.”
Ten minutes later, the three of us are in an Uber on the way to the airport, the tension in the car thick as they wait for an update. Nothing comes by the time we get through security and are sitting at our gate. By the time we’re on the plane, we still have no idea what we’re walking into when we get off this flight.
Leo sits between his sister and me, his hand shaking so hard, it makes me grab it, trying to ease some of his stress if I can. To my surprise, he doesn't let go.
For the rest of the flight, none of us say a single word, and Leo’s hand stays firmly in mine.