40. Chapter 40
40
The Monkey Bars
As I sit in the hospital room and watch my dad breathe via a machine, I struggle not to fall apart where I sit.
My sister is next to me, her hand on my shoulder as she listens to the doctor tell us what happened. We landed about an hour ago, the flight ten long hours of all the unknowns shooting through my head. It’s about what I expected, but the gut punch at seeing the man I looked up to all my life lying in a bed, not being able to breathe on his own, is something I’ll never get out of my head.
I can’t unsee it. I can’t undo what happened, and I can’t help.
I can’t do anything but wait and see, and I’m not good at that. I’m good at helping, following orders, making a plan. I’m great at figuring out how to fix things.
I can’t fix this, and it’s driving me fucking crazy.
The doctor leaves, but the tension in the room remains. My mum sits across from me, holding my father’s hand.
God, this sucks.
And sitting in the chair farthest from all of us is the girl who won’t leave my fucking mind.
The girl who held my hand and soothed my worries on the flight.
The girl who dropped everything to be here for my sister and me.
If my mind wasn't such a mess, I’d start to think our relationship—whatever it is—is more than sex.
But I can’t think about that right now, not with my family like this, and I know she understands that. She left me at the restaurant after I saw the look on her face when she asked me what I wanted. The truth remains: I don’t know. I’ve never been sure about anything, and I’ve never been a relationship guy.
With Ella, I could be. With Ella, I would try my hardest.
Someone once told me when Ella is all in with you, you’ll know it.
I think flying across the country at the drop of a hat when we asked her to is all in, but I’d never get my hopes up.
All I need to focus on now is my family. She knows that, and I know that, but it still doesn’t dull the ache in my chest.
“So he had a stroke?” my sister asks my mum.
“Yes. He had gotten out of bed to go to the bathroom and he woke me up,” she sniffles, composing herself. “We were talking about the two of you, and his speech started to slur. I checked on him, and I couldn't understand what he was saying, so I called an ambulance, and they rushed him here.”
I reach over and grab her free hand. I can’t imagine how fucking scared she was. My worst fear came true, and I can’t do anything to fix it.
“I’m sorry you had to go through this alone.”
“My sweet Leo.” She squeezes my hand. “I was prepared for this. Since your father denied the surgery, I knew what could happen. It was scary, that's all.”
“Yes, but—”
“Stop blaming yourself. He knew what could happen, and he declined the surgery anyway. It’s not your fault, Leo. You either, Alissa, so get those thoughts out of your head now.”
I try to, but I can’t. Not when a machine is making his chest rise and fall. Not when he’s in a medically-induced coma after surgery—they thinned out the walls of his heart during it.
Apparently, the stroke was caused by his heart not being able to pump because the walls were so thick. His condition was so bad, his heartbeat was irregular, which formed a clot that traveled to his brain, and if Mum hadn’t acted as fast as she did, my father would be dead.
They performed surgery and fixed it as much as they could, but since the surgery was so long and tough, they put him in a medically-induced coma to rest and heal. So now, we’re playing the waiting game. It’s up to him when he wants to wake up, and that could be days or weeks from now—or never.
Nobody has any answers for us, and it sucks.
“Do you guys need anything? Food? Water? I can run and grab something,” Ella speaks up, her voice higher than normal—sweeter than normal.
“I’m okay for now, Ells,” my sister tells her.
My mum only smiles at her. “Water would be nice.”
This is their first time meeting in person. Alissa introduced her on the phone when the two of them moved in together, but I know this isn't how they wanted to meet, not with my father in a hospital bed after having surgery.
She looks at me, her eyes full of empathy.
I hate that I’ve dragged her into this, but I didn't really drag her, did I? She came willingly; that’s who she is as a person. She’s kind, caring. One of the best people I’ve had the privilege to know, and she dropped everything to help us.
She’s fucking extraordinary.
“Water’s fine,” I say, my voice rough. I’m not a crier per se, but all I’ve done is shed tears since I got the call about my dad. He’s my role model, the person who taught me what it means to be a man.
He’s a stubborn son of a bitch, but he’s still my dad. All the good things about who I am come from him and how he raised me.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” she says, her gaze still on me before she leaves the room.
Alissa squeezes my shoulder as the door shuts. “If you want to talk to her, you can. Dad will be alright with us here.”
“It's okay, sis. I need to be here.”
“Your father won’t be awake for a while, Leo,” my mum tells me. “He’ll be okay for a few minutes if you leave.”
I look at him where he lays before I get up and try to find where Ella went. I notice a sign for vending machines, so I check there first. When I see a familiar, curly-haired girl staring at them, I sigh with relief.
It’s crazy how she does that—calms all my nerves. I never realized it until her hand found mine on the plane. In an instant, all my worries soothed. For the entire flight, I was anxious, but I knew if I let her go, it would have been worse. So, I didn't, and that’s when thoughts of her started clouding my head instead of the worries.
Now, I’m a giant mess of emotions. All I want is for my father to wake up and to hold Ella in my arms until he does.
I can’t do that, though. I have to fix my family before everything else, but I’m struggling to find that balance. All I want to do is fall into her arms and let her comfort me. Never have I felt this way about a woman, and all I crave is her. Not just her body, but every single part of her. I want her laughs, her cries, her fears, her dreams. Anything she wants to give me, I want to take, and I want to give the same to her.
I can’t stop the words from flowing out of my mouth. “Did you pick something, or are you going to hope the machine does it for you?”
She turns to greet me, a single tear running down her face that she quickly wipes away. “Sorry if I was gone too long. I—”
I take a step toward her. “It’s okay, Ella. I didn't mean…” I trail off, unsure of what to say. Things between us feel so awkward, and I don’t know if I should bring it up.
“How are you feeling?” she asks me, pressing a few buttons before the machine starts to work.
“Terrible.” Why lie? She knows how shitty I feel. There’s no point in skating around the truth. “I can’t fix it.”
She grabs the waters and snacks before setting them on the floor. “No, you can’t.” She steps into my personal space. “But you’re here for them. That’s all that matters, Leo.”
I look down at her, those brown eyes shining under the fluorescents, making me feel safe and free to admit any worries I have. I know she won’t judge me for it. She would probably just hold me until the pain went away. “I’m scared, Ella. More scared than I’ve ever been in my whole life.”
She reaches for me, her arms wrapping around me like a safety blanket in a storm—like she has the key to all my worries, all my troubles, unlocking them in this small room. “It’s okay to be scared, Leo.”
“What if he never wakes up?” I say as I rest my chin on her head. “What if I never get to speak to him again?”
She only squeezes me tighter. “It’s going to be okay.”
“But what if—”
She untangles from me, her eyes peering into mine once again. “Have you ever used the monkey bars on a playground?”
The sudden change of topic confuses me. “I have…”
“Well, I’ve always thought life was like the monkey bars. In order to get to the other side, you have to grab each bar and swing across them.”
I cock my head at her, still confused.
“You grab the first one, and you feel confident. You think it’s easy at first. But then, your arms start to feel heavy as you hold your body up and try to keep holding on. I think life is a lot like that. It all feels so simple as a child, but as you swing into each new phase of life, it gets harder and harder to get a grasp on the things you love.”
“I’ve never thought of it that way,” I say, her arms still around me. “But what does it have to do with this situation?”
“In order to get to the other side, you have to let go of one bar and grab the next one. Letting go is okay. Letting go is the point of the monkey bars, Leo. All you have to do to get through this is to let go of all the shit keeping you in this guilt and grab the next bar.”
“The next bar could either be my dad waking up, or—”
“He’ll wake up. And when he does, you’ll be by his side. Eventually, you’ll get to the other side of the monkey bars.”
I slide my hand through her hair. “How can you be so sure?”
“I’m not sure of anything, Leo. But I believe it. Sometimes, all you can do is believe. Sometimes, all you have is hope.”
“But what if that isn't enough?” I was never one to believe in hope. I never let myself; it always ends with misery—at least for me.
“Then you let go, grab the next bar, and decide if you have enough strength to get across.”
I let her words sit in my mind for a second. “Thank you for coming, Ella.”
“I would do anything for you and your family, Leo. Whatever you need the next few days, I’m here.” With that, she leaves, heading back to the room as if she didn't say what she did. I’m speechless.
I thought I could fuck Ella out of my system. It turns out, though, she’s the one who created it. Every eye roll, every time she talked back to me, every annoyed glare cemented her into my skin, and she became everything I could want—everything I need . Behind all those glares and comments is someone soft, someone who wants to be seen, loved, and heard.
Never has Ella wavered on who she is, and I respect her so much for that.
Never mind the fact she dropped everything to be here for me and my family; even without doing that, she’s still the best person I know.
And I want her. I want all of her.
Ella Williams is mine, and I’ll stop at nothing to prove I can be hers too—if only she’d let me in enough to allow me to prove that.
The two of us could be something great together, and at some point, I’m going to grab the next bar, and we’ll start a beautiful life together.
I have hope for us. I want it to be us.
When I walk back into the room and don’t see her, I get nervous. “Where did she go?”
My mum and sister look up at me, the snacks and water she grabbed on the tables beside them both.
“I told her to head to the house and take one of the spare rooms. She looked tired; we’ll meet her there later after visiting hours.”
“I’m staying here with your father in case he wakes up tonight,” my mum says to us. “He might not, but I can't leave.”
“We know,” Alissa tells her.
I sit back down beside my father and hope he wakes up so I can tell him all about the girl who stole my heart and how I don’t want it back.