Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
NOAH
I walk away from Audrey who is up off the chair, rounding up her nephew. I pull out my phone and shoot a quick text to my therapist.
Hey, do you have any time for me this week? Not an emergency, just need to talk.
I put my phone back in my pocket and shift back into team player mode. Audrey has the kid out of the pool, plates in hand, ready to fill up on corn, potato salad, and hot dogs. I approach her and put a hand on her shoulder. “Need help?”
She slumps slightly in relief. “Yeah, can you get him a soda? The teeny ones if you can find them.”
“Sure thing.” I turn toward the covered patio where there are coolers iced down.
I’m bent over, digging through a fuck ton of ice when I spot Jaden’s black Nikes coming up behind me.
“What was that about? You looked super serious over there. Especially for two people who aren’t together.
” I keep my head in the cooler because I don’t one hundred percent know how I feel about what just transpired.
I’m not completely put off from her because of what she shared, but it is making me realize that I was so focused on football that I failed to consider what I want my future to look like after.
“Audrey doesn’t want kids.”
“Right now?”
“Ever.”
“Whoa.” He takes it in, eyes wide. “That’s not her kid?”
“No, dumbass. That’s her nephew.” I stare at the sodas in my hand.
Silence falls between us. Neither of us knows what to say. Jaden is the first to speak up. “Is that a deal breaker for you?”
“I don’t think so.” I shrug. “I haven’t given it much thought, to be honest. My whole life has been about football. I never even considered…” I trail off, lost in my own mind.
“It’s not crazy to opt out of kids these days. The world is burning, the oceans are acidic, and the cost of living is sky high. The NFL can be full of uncertainties.”
I come up for air from the cooler, a small root beer in my hand. “All good points.”
“No need to rush anything. The good news is y'all aren’t even together. If this is a deal breaker, nothing is lost. Things between you stay the same, right?”
My stomach drops. “Right.” Even though I know I’m falling in love with her. And just like falling off a cliff, the landing is going to hurt like a bitch.
On my way back to Audrey, I check my texts.
Nina
Of course. Is ten AM on Monday good?
I shoot her a quick text back telling her that it is.
Then I put the swirling thoughts to the side.
I can’t figure out my future at a pool party.
I have to be “right here, right now” as Nina says.
Or the thoughts will overwhelm me, and I’ll be an asshole to my friends and teammates.
As Audrey cracks the soda for Mikey, I add “fatherhood” to my Therapy Topics notes list in my phone.
That one-word bullet point is like a loaded gun.
I feel the beginning tingle of anxiety at the base of my skull and take a couple deep breaths to bring myself back.
Later on, I end up in the kitchen with the other guys. I’m scooping ice cream on top of brownies in little bowls while Jaden does dishes. Others are putting things away, drying dishes, or just standing around drinking beer.
I can’t stop thinking about my conversation with Audrey. There’s going to be, like, fifty years to live after football, assuming I can play as long as some of the greats, but the average length of an NFL career is four years. Statistically, I’m in my twilight year.
I glance around me at the men in the room, all in the best shape of their lives, but brutalized on the daily.
No one knows how long they have on this earth.
No player knows how long they have on the field.
The swirling of these thoughts prompts the words that tumble out of my mouth.
“What are y'all gonna do after football?” Four sets of eyes snap to mine.
I shake the can of whipped cream and squirt some right into my mouth just to have something to do while I wait for someone to say something.
Jaden is the first to speak up. “Like next spring when the season is over?”
I shake my head. “No, like when you retire.”
“Why would I have thought about that already?”
“I don’t know… because guys don’t last in the league. You never know if this season could be your last.”
Colin puts the pan he was drying away. “I’m going to retire, then un-retire like Tom Brady. Go to some really shitty team and win another Super Bowl.”
Wyatt leans over and punches his arm. “You have to win one Super Bowl first, dumbass.” Colin fakes going at him, and Wyatt puffs his chest out in response.
A voice cuts through the noise. “I’m going to do porn.” Wyatt and Colin immediately stop, arms falling at their sides. We all turn to face Mack. He gets a confused look on his face. “What? I’m serious.”
“And what makes you think you’ll be good at it?” asks Colin.
“I’ve got six-pack abs and a ten-inch dick.” There’s a quick beat of silence and then everyone bursts out laughing.
I’m spraying whipped cream on each dessert. “Okay, Mack. I think you’ve forgotten that we’ve all been in the locker room together, but okay. I meant more like family, marriage, where you’ll live. That kind of thing.”
Wyatt whispers, “I can never unhear that.”
Mack asks, “Is this because of Audrey?” I cut a hard glance at Colin. Blabbermouth.
“It might be, but it’s also an important thing to consider either way.”
“I think it’s futile to think about the future. You can make all the plans you want, then get hit by a bus tomorrow.” He makes a little poof gesture with his fingers. “Then nothing matters.”
“So, I should just go by how I feel right now?” Around me all the men nod. I nod back. “Okay. I’ll start with that.”
The rest of the BBQ passes without incident.
I swim with Mikey, throwing weighted rings for the other kids to dive after.
When the sun goes down, Jaden lights the fire pit and we all gather around to make s’mores.
I sit in a lawn chair and take in the scene.
The crickets are singing the final notes of their summer song, and I’m surrounded by teammates whom I consider family.
I glance at Audrey to my left. She's making sure the kids don’t burn their hands trying to get their marshmallow off the roaster.
Jaden tells a story about how when he was a kid his family went camping and his brother caught his marshmallow on fire.
He panicked and started shaking the lit marshmallow around.
It flung right off the poker and hit Jaden smack in the middle of his forehead.
The kids around the fire dissolve into giggle fits and I chuckle too.
When I glance back at Audrey and see her smiling at me, I realize that this all feels an awful lot like home.
I walk through the front door of the building.
Nina’s in a tiny old house that was remodeled into a business.
They’re pretty common in the city where a lot of the general infrastructure was built around 1940.
The office is cozy with a small waiting room.
Fitted with a perfectly slouchy couch. I head back to her room since there’s no front desk person.
I knock lightly on the door. “Come in!” Nina replies from her office chair behind a big wooden desk.
She rises as I walk and meets me at the super comfy chairs in front of her desk.
She takes one and I take the other, closer to the door.
Nina has fashionable glasses that make her look younger than she really is.
I’ve been seeing her since I graduated college to help with the whole professional athlete thing.
In the beginning, we talked a lot about how to appreciate the hard work you put in once you finally hit your goal, not just looking forward to the next thing.
Since then, we’ve had various issues to overcome.
It’s like once I get past one thing, something else pops up.
Most recently, it was my injury. I was worried I would never physically be the same, or that I wouldn’t be able to play as hard because mentally I would be afraid of getting injured again.
I had nightmares about getting hurt. Ones where I broke my neck that would have me waking up with cold sweats. Nina’s helped me through a lot.
She picks up her legal pad and pen. “Are you ready to get started?”
“Yeah, I am. Thanks for getting me in on such short notice.”
“It’s no problem, I had a cancellation for this morning anyway. What led you to texting me on Saturday?”
“I found out the woman I’m interested in doesn’t want to have kids.”
“She’s your girlfriend?”
I sigh. “No, but I would like her to be…” I taper off. “It’s complicated.”
“I see.” Nina leans back in her chair. She writes something down on her notepad. I bet her file for me is a foot thick.
“If we aren’t on the same page, I don’t want to waste her time. I know that there’s no meeting in the middle when it comes to kids.”
“And why do you think that is?”
“It’s too much stress to have one just to please or keep another person.”
“And what are your thoughts on children?”
“I’ve never thought about kids. I just assumed that eventually I’d meet a woman, and she’d know what she wanted, and it would all just shake out.”
“That’s a very male outlook on a huge life decision.”
I lean forward and rest my forearms on my knees. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that as a young woman, she was probably told that being a mother was her whole purpose in life. If she’s already made her decision, then she’s likely been thinking about this since she was very young, maybe high school or college. Did you ask her?”
I had no idea what to say to Audrey when we talked poolside.
I didn’t have time to put my thoughts together.
Hence, the extra therapy session. “She said she’s known since she was sixteen, but the whole conversation kind of scrambled my brain, and when I came to, I realized it was something I had never taken seriously. ”
We’re both quiet for a second. My thoughts churn so loudly in my head I swear Nina can hear me thinking. She’s the first to speak. “If you decided you did want kids, would you be willing to move on from her so that you both could have the lifestyle you want?”
“Yes,” I say, unthinking. It’s not even a question. I will do anything to give Audrey the life she wants.
“Do you see having children as core to your life’s purpose?” She looks at me over the thick rim of her statement glasses.
“No. How could I when I’ve barely thought about it?” I can’t believe I’ve been living my life assuming something of that magnitude would just be taken care of for me. What kind of selfish asshole am I? No wonder Audrey didn’t want to say anything.
“I know we’ve spent a lot of time talking about how to deal with the lifestyle and routine of football, but do you ever think about life after?” she asks.
“Not until this last weekend. I just was living in the moment, I guess.”
“That’s great, but sometimes we do have to look ahead to make sure we’re prepared. The longer you’re in the league, the more sure you need to be of what comes next.”
“I understand,” I say and Nina gives me a second to think. “In a way, I can still let a woman influence what we do. Since it’s not that important to me and I was planning on having kids if they wanted. I just happened to meet someone who doesn’t want that.”
“I have a couple other questions, but we’re running out of time for today, so I’ll email them to you and you can do some journal reflection before our next session.
I’ll also include the title of a book I think you should read.
It might be easier to think about what you want when you’re in your own space. ”
“Thanks, Nina. I think you’re right. I just need some time.” We both stand and I hand Nina her check for this session. She doesn’t take insurance, so it’s pricey, but well worth it.
I drive home robotically. What do I want?
Am I good for Audrey? Why haven’t I considered this before now?
Has football been too much of a distraction in my life?
What else have I been letting slide in favor of my career?
If I did want kids, what does that look like when I travel at least nine weeks a year?
I could wait until I’m done with the game to start a family, but what if I’m blessed with a long career?
They won’t see their dad six months of the year.
Is that even fair? What if I get really hurt and I’m physically unable to care for them?
How did I overlook something so important?
So life changing? It’s a relief to walk into my bedroom, put on my workout clothes, and grab my gym bag.
I have too much thinking going on and I need to quiet it with exercise.
After I settle my mind and tire out my body, then I can come home and sit with the questions Nina sent.
I just hope that the answers lead me to a life with Audrey.