CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Katarina
Jack woke me up .
Not for sexy time but again with nightmares. I figured he didn’t know he had them but it was the fourth time now I’d witnessed them and they were unbearable to see. I tried to soothe him and some nights it worked, some nights he just had to pull himself out of them. But I saw how torn up inside he was about what happened.
Obviously, I didn’t think he was inhuman and that the accident hadn’t affected him. But now his guilt was right in front of my face all the time, it was clear he hadn’t forgiven himself or moved on. Maybe he couldn’ t, being here at the ranch.
I soothed him until he settled but I was awake by then. Something had been plaguing me, not about saving the ranch, I felt like I’d bought some time now that Martin and his goon were paid off. No one else had come sniffing around yet, but I knew it would only be a matter of time and still, I couldn’t figure out what to do and instead buried my head in the sand.
But nope, I’d been stressing because Tilly’s sixteenth birthday was creeping closer and I still hadn’t found a decent pair of cowgirl boots. I wanted to carry on my father’s tradition with her. It was hard enough that he wasn’t here to get them for her, and she would be the only sister who hadn’t had hers bought by him, so I needed to find a good pair. The best pair, the right pair. But so far, they eluded me.
I scoured the internet until the sun came up and Jack stirred next to me. He wrapped an arm around me, pulling himself closer and placing kisses down my arm.
“Morning, sweetheart,” he said, his voice rough from sleep and my body woke up, ready for round four. I didn’t know when I’d become so desperate for him, only that I could have him all day, every day and it wouldn’t be enough. “What ya looking at? Stuff for the ranch?”
I shook my head. “No. When each of us turned sixteen, Daddy bought us a pair of cowgirl boots. Only he died before he could get any for Tilly. Her birthday is coming up and I want to get her some, but I can’t find the right pair.”
“Want me to look for you?”
I prickled. “No, I can manage on my own.”
“I didn’t say you couldn’t, I just wanted to offer my help in searching.”
I sighed. “Sorry, I just feel like I should be the one to do it. ”
He was silent for a moment but continued stroking my arm. “You put a lot on your shoulders,” he said after a while.
“Do I?”
“Why don’t you let me help? With the ranch? With this? Or let your sisters if you don’t want my help.”
I dropped my phone in my lap. “Why are you pushing this?”
He sat up, rubbing sleep from his eyes which made his pec flex in a mouthwatering way. “I just hate seeing how much falls to you, just because you’re the oldest. The girls are all old enough to share some of the burden. I could talk to them for you and—”
I tore my gaze away from his bare chest. “But I don’t want to burden them. They can go about their lives and not worry. That’s what I would prefer, that’s what Daddy would prefer.”
“I don’t think Charlie would want you so stressed and worried,” he replied, carefully.
I scoffed. “How would you know?”
The silence between us was heavy and I was annoyed. Annoyed that I’d snapped, that he’d pushed it and tried to get involved. That he acted like he knew my father better than I did. Hell, maybe he did.
His expression softened. “I don’t want to fight with you. I just wanted to help.”
“I appreciate that but please don’t. We’re not a couple, you don’t need to help me.”
He opened his mouth to argue but my face must have stopped him. I got out of bed. “I’m just cranky, I didn’t sleep well,” I said.
“I’m sorry. Why don’t you go and get some sleep and then I’ll catch up with you later? There’s something I want to show you,” he said. The excitement in his voice had me nodding. I grabbed my clothes and dressed in silence. An awkwardness hung between us and I didn’t know how to make it go away. I couldn’t look at him, didn’t want to see the hurt in his eyes.
“I’ll see you later,” I said and headed for the door. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him, his navy eyes heavy-lidded. He pressed a kiss to my lips, soft and heartbreakingly gentle. “See you later, sweetheart.”
My heart did the weird pitter-patter it had been doing recently when I was around him. I kissed him back and then left before I took off my clothes and let him worship me again.
The morning sun was low and already scorching. Summer was coming to an end and it had been glorious spending my days in the pasture and my nights in Jack’s arms. Even though I had the problem of the ranch hanging over me, I’d felt better than I had in…forever.
I rounded the house, ready to climb the porch but bumped into someone.
“Where are you sneaking back from?” Daisy accused, looking behind me.
“Nowhere,” I folded my arms over my chest. “Where are you sneaking back from?”
She copied my stance. “Nowhere.”
We stared each other down, no end to our stubbornness. Something about Daisy seemed off, there was a tension to her that she usually didn’t have and a sharp glint in her eye that told me to back off.
“If you’re coming back from Jack’s, I’m going to have a lot to say about it.”
My throat dried. “Like what?”
“Like, you shouldn’t be fucking our mother’s killer.”
My mouth floundered as I struggled for words. “I thought you were warming to him?”
She shrugged. “I might have been but that doesn’t change what he did. And for you to pursue this and think you’ll have some kind of relationship is crazy. Mom would be ashamed.”
I gasped at her words, unable to believe what she said. She barged past me and up the stairs, stomping with fury. Daisy had always had a sharp tongue but today her words were cruel, which wasn’t like her.
I went inside after her but instead of speaking, I just went straight to my room. It was too late to try and go back to bed, I was all riled up and needed to expend my energy. I headed out to the stables and saddled Chester.
We sailed across the pasture, into the forest and I pushed him hard. I could tell he enjoyed it, he seemed to relish the challenge of leaping over fallen trees and turning around sharp bends. His nostrils flared as he breathed hard and even let out an excited whinny.
I rode away from my problems, away from the ranch that I didn’t know how to help and couldn’t even fathom why I wasn’t thinking about it. I rode away from the question of me and Jack, unsure how to answer it. I didn’t want to end what we were doing but Daisy’s words were bugging me.
I rode until my thoughts were obliterated and all I could see was nature as it passed by me and Chester in a blur. Eventually Chester began to slow, worn out, so I pulled him over near the lake and tethered him by the water. He had a drink and a poke around in the dirt with his hoof while I watched the still water.
I contemplated life and the situation with the ranch and why I had such a damn block against what to do to fix it.
“Daddy wouldn’t have ignored it. He would have fixed it,” I said to Chester who snuffled close to me. He looked at me and I’m sure he raised one eyebrow.
“Okay, okay, maybe you’re right, he did get us into this mess in the first place. And now I’ve got to pick up the pieces, but I don’t have enough cattle left to sell and…I don’t want to.”
Chester flicked his tail and I buried my head in my hands. “Am I really talking to the horse?” I groaned. I heard rustling from behind me.
“Well, sometimes it’s good to talk to someone who won’t talk back.”
I spun around and there was Jack, sauntering towards me, leading Pickles by her reins. My heart did that silly pitter-patter thing and I breathed a sigh of relief at seeing him.
“How did you know I was here?”
He tethered Pickles next to Chester and came and sat behind me. He put his legs on either side of mine and I sank back into the cradle of his body. “Saw you take off,” he murmured, his lips against my temple.
“Shit, you wanted to show me something, didn’t you?”
He chuckled. “I did. But this is good too. I just wanted time with you, away from everyone else.”
We sat in silence. He stroked my arms and continued resting his stubbled jaw against my temple. We watched the water, the still silent lake with birds tweeting all around, and a serenity enveloped me.
“Wanna tell me what you’re riding away from?” he whispered, like he didn’t want to break the peace and quiet, and I appreciated it.
I paused. I didn’t want him to think I couldn’t handle it on my own. I hated admitting I needed help and wasn’t strong enough to look after the ranch despite all the years of practice I had doing it.
He squeezed my arms, kneading my biceps. “Hey, you can trust me. I care about you and want to help, any way I can.”
I turned my face and buried it in his neck. “I hate admitting this, but I don’t have the slightest clue what to do.”
“About?”
“The ranch. There’s so much debt and yeah, I paid off some but I don’t know what to do with the rest. It’s an eye-watering amount of money. My brain won’t give me any ideas and I feel useless because I’ve spent years looking after this place with Daddy, and now I don’t have the slightest idea what the hell to do and there’s no one to guide me and I don’t have the confidence to do it alone and I’m a complete failure.” I sighed deeply once the words were out, like my body purged them.
He placed a soft kiss to my temple that felt too damn good, too damn right. “Thank you for sharing that with me. Firstly, you’re amazing.”
I snorted and tried to push him away but he shackled me to him. “You are,” he reiterated. “You might have experience with the ranch, which I see every day by the way, but that doesn’t mean you should know how to do everything . Doesn’t mean you should know how to run the business side of things.”
“I know but—”
“I wasn’t finished, sweetheart,” he admonished and damn if my lady parts didn’t enjoy the stern tone of his voice.
“Sorry. Please continue,” I said, smirking and squirming back into his neck.
“You’re the best rancher I’ve seen. The way you know what’s happening all the time, you know the schedules and you spot problems and solve them before they become a real issue. You can spot when an asshole bison is causing mischief. You’ve got a great relationship with the animals, the girls, Tate and well, me. I really look up to you when we’re out there in the pastures. You’re amazing, but you can’t do it all.”
I bristled at his words and as if he knew I would, he stroked my arms again and softened his voice. “Why don’t you tell your sisters, let them in and let them help you? Let me help you?”
I shook my head. “They’ve been through so much recently and I don’t want to worry them with this. I didn’t get a choice about coming back here and looking after them and the ranch and Daddy, but they have choices. They have lives to live and I won’t tether them here out of obligation or guilt.”
He was quiet for a moment. “What would you do if you weren’t here?”
I shrugged, I hated talking about what could have been. “I don’t know, business or something. But I wasn’t even doing that well at that. Which is why I feel ridiculous and embarrassed that I can’t fix the ranch. It’s like I’ve got a block.”
“A block?”
“Yes, a damn stupid block and I need to unblock it before we lose the whole damn place!”
I felt his muscles tighten like he was tense. He took a breath, started speaking then paused. “Do you think you have a block because you weren’t planning on doing this without Charlie?”
It was like he flicked a switch.
Everything fell into place: why I couldn’t focus on the ranch and think about what to do. Because I didn’t want to. I hadn’t planned on doing this on my own. Me and Daddy had always talked about me taking over while he was still around to coach me through it. We’ d had it all figured out. I would spend years learning from him until he was too tired to teach me. I’d looked forward to the day he could be proud of me but that day would never come.
Tears sprang to my eyes and I buried my face in my hands as I sobbed. “He left me. He left me to do it all on my own and I’m not ready,” I cried. Jack put his arms around me and rocked us back and forth, shushing me gently and apologizing.
“I’m sorry sweetheart, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“But you’re right. I didn’t even realize that was why, but it is! He died and abandoned me, and I didn’t have a chance to do this with him.”
I cried a little longer, like the floodgates had opened and nothing was shutting them, and when I finally quieted something else occurred to me. “How did you know that’s what it was?” I asked softly.
I felt Jack shrug behind me. “Because that’s how I feel too.”
I pulled away and looked at him, his blue eyes swimming with unshed tears, sorrow emanating from him. “What do you mean?”
Jack brushed my hair behind my ears, smiling sadly. “He always talked about what we were going to do when I was free. How we were going to do this and do that. He’s the one who got me focusing on my future. Who nurtured the idea of exploring carpentry and promised me a future here at the ranch together. He got me dreaming again.” He looked away at the river, pausing and trying to harness his emotions. “But I just didn’t envision having to do this without him and I felt so damn lost.”
“You did?” I breathed.
“I did,” he replied, brushing a leaf off my shoulder. “Until you. You put me to work, didn’t take shit, gave me a routine, and a reason to keep going. Made me start thinking about what to do with my time, made me want other things and brought me back to life…” he trailed off and heat entered his eyes that my body immediately reciprocated. “But I understand that initial panic of being left alone to figure it all out for yourself when you were relying on the one person in this whole world who could have helped you.”
“Damn,” I said.
“Yep,” he chuckled. “We’re two of a kind.”
I looked deep into his eyes. “Thank you. Really. I wouldn’t have figured that out for myself.”
His thumb stroked over my jaw. “Yes you would, it just might have taken a bit longer but you would have. I told you, you’re amazing.”
I ducked my head as heat flushed my cheeks. “You know…” I cleared my throat, the words getting stuck. “You…you are too.”
“Yeah?” he said, sitting up straighter.
“Yeah. You’re a hard worker, you have an instinct about the animals that not many people do. We work well together and you’re a man of many talents…” I trailed off, my meaning clear.
“Would any of those talents be bedroom-related?” He quirked a brow at me.
I tried not to smile. “Maybe.”
“I think we should practice those talents right now,” The low rumble of his words had me shivering. But my stomach chose that moment to growl, loudly.
“You’re hungry?”
I nodded.
“Good thing I packed a picnic,” he said, nodding his head towards the basket strapped to the back of Pickles.
My eyes widened. “ You did?”
His cheeks flushed and he rubbed at the back of his neck, resting his elbow on one propped knee. “I wanted to have a date, my first date actually.”
“Your first?”
“Yes, you’ve taken a few of my firsts now.”
“Yes, I have,” I replied smugly. “But now so have you. This would be my first official date too.”
“Well, what do you know. Anyway let’s get to it, I wanna eat,” he said and pulled me closer.
“Then get the basket of food?” I frowned at him, confused.
He pressed a kiss to the corner of my mouth, his voice deep when he spoke. “That wasn’t what I meant…”
“Ohhh…” Understanding dawned. “Yay for me.”