Chapter 11
Levi
“I’m just asking that you call me before you leave him with my dad, Dina,” I said, trying not to lose my patience. The woman in front of me tapped her long red nails on the doorframe. Nails I highly suspected I’d paid for with money that had been intended for Henry.
Dina tossed her long red hair over her shoulder and adjusted her low-cut top. “Look, Levi, if I’ve got plans, I need you to step up. If you’re too busy…”
“I’m busy working,” I said. “If you really need to go out while I’m at work, then please, hire a sitter for Henry. Mrs. Donaldson has offered to babysit for a pretty reasonable fee.”
“I’m not leaving my kid with that hag,” Dina said snidely. “Bitch calls me a whore under her breath every time she sees me.”
Henry began to fuss in the car seat I’d finally had to put down after Dina had neglected to take it from me or invite me into her apartment to help her get Henry settled.
I’d already explained the near miss this morning, but as expected, Dina had barely reacted to the news that she’d almost lost her child.
I’d spent the past eight months hoping even the smallest bit of maternal instinct would kick in, but her disinterest was further proof that she hadn’t been confused any of the times she’d told me she should have just risked a late-term, illegal back-alley abortion.
Even just the thought of never having had Henry in my life was enough to have tears pricking the backs of my eyes.
“You want to pay for a real sitter, fine, but it ain’t coming out of my share,” Dina added.
Frustration welled, but I knew any further conversation was pointless. “Did you schedule his next well-baby visit?” I asked.
“And how am I supposed to get him there?” Dina snapped.
I wanted to remind her that I’d bought her a bus pass, but when she reached down and jerked the car seat up, I kept quiet and reached for it so she wouldn’t wake Henry up.
He was worn out from the afternoon we’d spent at the beach at Phoenix’s house.
I knew that if he woke up now, he’d be cranky and that would just irritate Dina further.
I pushed past her, ignoring her huff of disapproval, and carried the car seat to Henry’s room.
I’d managed to paint his room a pretty green color and decorate it with gently used toys and stuffed animals from thrift stores, but it was far from ideal for the little boy.
The carpet was worn and stained so badly that no amount of cleaning I’d done with the carpet shampooer I’d rented from the grocery store I worked at had gotten it clean, and I cringed every time I thought of Henry crawling on it.
I’d gotten Henry’s crib for a decent price from a woman in the building who’d been cleaning out her storage unit in the basement, but it was old and outdated and I’d spent hours sanding and staining the wood in the hopes of giving it a cleaner look.
“Okay, Henry, I’ll see you tomorrow,” I whispered to the baby as I carefully removed him from the car seat, kissed his forehead and placed him in the crib. I made sure to tuck the caterpillar toy next to him since it was his favorite.
I closed the door partially since Dina tended to run the TV too loud.
One of the few items I’d bought brand new was the baby monitor system.
I’d learned early on that Dina was a heavy sleeper and rarely heard Henry crying without the benefit of the monitor.
As I walked back out into the living room, I looked around for the receiver for the monitor to make sure it was somewhere Dina would hear it.
I found it on the coffee table, but froze when I saw what was next to it.
Powder residue.
White powder residue.
I looked up and searched out Dina in the kitchen and saw her eyeing me as she drank what the normal person would assume was some kind of juice, but what I knew was more vodka than anything else.
The woman arched her eyebrow at me and I knew she was daring me to say something about the evidence that was staring me right in the face.
Drugs.
She was fucking using again.
And there wasn’t a thing I could do about it.
Maybe if she had even the tiniest bit of interest in being an actual parent to Henry, I could have played on that and threatened her with calling Children’s Services, but we both knew I wouldn’t do it.
Because I would be the one losing something, not her.
I was such a selfish son of a bitch. Despite knowing what a shitty mom Dina was, I didn’t want to let go of the only real joy I had in my life.
And Dina knew that and she ruthlessly used it against me.
A few months after Henry’s birth, I’d gotten the idea in my head that maybe I could be Henry’s dad after Dina had once again lamented his existence.
I’d let the idea curl around inside me for so long that it had soon become my only thought, and I’d started having dreams about watching Henry come running out of school at the end of the day and jumping into my arms and calling me Daddy .
I’d known it wouldn’t be easy, but considering all the money I put towards Henry’s care as well as my own portion of the rent for my father’s apartment, I’d been certain I could make it work.
I’d approached Dina with the idea a few days later, even offering to let her still be a regular part of Henry’s life. I’d thought for sure she’d go for it.
She’d crushed my dreams as easily as she crushed cigarettes beneath the heel of her shoe.
She’d asked me why she’d ever get rid of a cash cow as valuable as her son to a chump like me…
at least fo r free, anyway. What had followed had been one of the sickest things I’d ever heard in my life and any pity I’d once felt for the woman who’d been foolish enough to get involved with my brother had evaporated.
She’d offered to sell me Henry like he was nothing more than a used car.
I ignored the queasiness in my belly as I left Dina’s apartment and went upstairs to my own.
Phoenix was waiting for me in the car, but I knew if I lingered too long, he’d come up after me.
It had taken every promise I could think of plus a few passes of my mouth over his to get him to agree to give me ten minutes.
It was only the reassurance that my father was working that had likely been the real reason he’d agreed.
If I hadn’t been so distracted by the turn of events with Dina, I would have used the time to mull over the day Henry and I had spent with Phoenix.
It had started off pretty damn rocky, but boy, had it ended well.
After waking up in Phoenix’s arms, I’d gotten to watch him sleep for a while until Henry had started to stir.
I’d tried to get out of bed without waking Phoenix up, but I’d barely managed to shift my weight off his chest before his eyes had opened.
Then he’d smiled at me.
A sweet, soft smile that had left me feeling warm and gooey inside.
I’d ended up kissing him again, though I’d promised myself I wouldn’t since the man was just too damn intoxicating.
Things had gotten hot and heavy very quickly, but true to his word, Phoenix had backed off as soon as I’d become overwhelmed.
While I’d gotten Henry changed and fed, Phoenix had disappeared, only to reappear with a few beach toys including a small shovel, bucket and plastic molds.
They’d been geared towards a child’s use, but I hadn’t commented on that fact.
I hoped Phoenix might tell me about the mysterious child in his life at some point, but I wasn’t about to pressure him to do so.
A few kisses didn’t give me that right.
Nothing I ever did would give me that right, actually. Friends told each other things like that. Lovers too. Guys whose lives were based on lies didn’t get to expect something like that .
Phoenix and I had talked about unimportant things as we’d played with Henry.
And we’d both played with the baby. Phoenix had hunkered down in the sand right next to me and we’d spent nearly two hours building up shapes in the sand for Henry to knock down.
Afterwards, Phoenix had taken his shoes off and braved the cold waters of Puget Sound so he could carry Henry out into the gentle surf so he could see the small fish that were swimming around in the shallows.
It had been a perfect day.
One where I’d let myself forget who I was.
If my interaction with Dina hadn’t soured it, walking into my apartment surely would have.
My father wasn’t home, but it didn’t matter because I was instantly transported back to this morning when I’d nearly died at the sight of Henry sitting out on that fire escape.
I’d never run so hard or so fast in my life.
Finding the little boy safe in Phoenix’s strong arms had been my undoing.
And then things had gone from bad to worse with my father and his racist taunts.
After closing the window to the fire escape that my father hadn’t bothered to shut even after all the morning’s drama, I quickly went to my room to grab a change of clothes.
My mind drifted back to Dina and pain filtered through my chest as I realized I was running out of options.
I’d always told myself that Henry would be better off with Dina than in foster care, but I wasn’t so sure that was true anymore.
The drugs were a game changer. As was Dina’s dismissal about what had happened this morning.
Henry really was just a paycheck to her.
I briefly wondered if I’d have any legal claim to Henry, but I dismissed the thought.
Whoever made those kinds of decisions would take one look at my stint in prison and then ask me what the hell I’d been thinking to even ask the question.
And what kind of home could I give Henry?
I’d never amount to much. Yeah, I could give him as much love as he’d ever need, but even I knew that wasn’t enough.
No, Henry deserved that perfect nuclear family with the white picket fence and the dog in the backyard .
By the time I reached the SUV, I barely acknowledged Phoenix as he opened the door for me.
“What’s wrong, Levi?”
I forced myself to focus on Phoenix and shook my head as I gave him a weak smile. “Just tired,” I said. I could tell he wasn’t sure I was telling the truth, so I changed the subject and said, “Thank you for today.”
He smiled his beautiful smile and then reached out and clasped my fingers with his. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles. My belly flip-flopped wildly when he held my hand in his as he pulled the car out into traffic.
I needed to stop pretending that this thing with Phoenix was more than it was, but I was so raw from the prospect of losing Henry that I didn’t care.
Maybe I’d pretend for as long as Phoenix would let me.
And then when he was gone and Henry was gone, I’d do what I should have done seven years earlier.
Embrace judgment day.
“Stop!” I admonished when Phoenix whipped the end of the twisted hand towel at my ass for the third time in less than five minutes.
I was elbow deep in soapy dishwasher and Phoenix was taking full advantage every time he passed behind me to get something from the dishrack or one of the cabinets next to me.
Phoenix chuckled and put his hands up in mock surrender. I smiled and returned to my work. The man had been trying to draw me out of my funk from the moment we’d arrived at the soup kitchen.
And I had to admit, it was working pretty damn well.
I saw Phoenix approaching in my periphery, but this time when he snapped the towel at me, I was ready and grabbed the sprayer and aimed at him. I hit him square in the chest with a spray of water. The look of shock on his face was priceless.
“Oh, it’s on!” he said in a menacing voice.
I nailed him again with another spray before he reached me and wrestled for control of the nozzle.
Chaos ensued as water sprayed over me, him, the floor and everything else in our immediate vicinity.
We were both laughing and breathing hard by the time he called for a truce.
But like the many times I’d found myself in close proximity to the man, things changed quickly and soon his mouth was on mine.
I forgot all about the sprayer and dropped it so I could reach my wet, soapy arms around Phoenix’s back.
It wasn’t until he turned me so my side was against the countertop that things changed again because my hip hit the lever of the sprayer and water shot up between our bodies like a geyser, soaking us both.
Laughing, we jumped apart. Phoenix’s eyes were warm as he snagged the discarded hand towel off the counter and used it to wipe at my face. “Thanks,” I said with a smile.
He held my gaze for a moment and then began wiping off the rest of me. I didn’t even notice what he was doing until he said, “Oh, hey, looks like this is coming off. I’ll go find you another one.”
I looked down to see Phoenix carefully peeling the soaking wet large Band-Aid from the inside of my wrist.
“No, it’s fine!” I yelled as I tried to stop him, but I wasn’t fast enough.
The silence between us was thick as we both stared at what I’d been using the large bandage to hide.
And then Phoenix lifted his icy eyes to meet mine and I knew my days of pretending had come to an end.