Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight
JAYSON
The Past Is Never Far Behind
Standing at my open childhood bedroom window, my hands shoved deep in my pockets, I gaze across the way to the house next door. I can’t see Liz’s old bedroom through the thick summer foliage of the oak tree, but I know exactly where it is.
Sleeping in this room, being home, brings back too many memories. Memories of things that once were. Memories of him. Memories of her. Memories of that night.
A soft breeze filters in through the mesh screen, and I close my eyes, listening to Liz’s phantom voice drifting over as she sings along to some melody she strums on her guitar. I’ve never been able to escape her, no matter how far or fast I ran.
Most people know that their first love won’t be their only love, but for me, Liz was my first, my only, and my always.
Julien strolls into the bedroom and joins me at the window. “Ready to go?”
“I’m going to tell her.”
My brother’s heavy sigh speaks volumes. “Good, but please, for the love of God, not tonight in front of all our friends.”
I appreciate his use of the “royal we,” but they’re his friends, not mine. I burned a lot of bridges when I left.
I send him a mock glare. “I know that, dipshit. I’m not that tactless.”
“When?” he asks.
“Tomorrow.” I can’t put it off any longer, especially with our Seattle trip to see Elizabeth Ann quickly approaching.
He turns and sits down on the ledge of the windowsill. “You know how she’s going to react when you tell her.”
Pain lances my heart because I’m going to break hers once again. “I know.”
Julien grips my hand in a tight fist. “You’re not alone in this, Jay. I will always have your back.”
After everything I did, my brother is still my rock of unwavering support. “I love you, Jules.”
He takes me in a solid, back-slapping hug. “Love you, too. Now, finish up with whatever deep contemplation you were having and meet us down at the car.”
“Smartass.”
“Five minutes, tops, or we’re leaving you behind, and you’ll have to drive that POS rental.”
“It’s not that bad.” I can’t keep a straight face saying it. The rental car is ugly as sin and drives like an old man’s Cadillac. But the per-day rate was cheap, something my dwindling bank account could afford.
Julien’s grimace is Oscar worthy. “It’s so, so bad. Worse than E’s old Prius.”
I flip him off, and his laughter echoes along with his footfalls as he walks out.
Shutting the window, I secure the top latch and head downstairs—then come up short when I see Mom waiting for me, worry deepening the wrinkles around her eyes. Worry that I put there.
When I reach her, she hands me a bundled bouquet of pink tea roses she must have picked from her garden. “Give these to Lizzie with our love.”
Taking them, I kiss Mom on the cheek. “Are you sure you and Dad don’t want to come?”
She smooths out the imaginary bumps from my polo shirt and fiddles with the collar. “I spoke with Lizzie earlier. She’s going to come by tomorrow with the kids for Sunday supper.”
I perk up at that. Liz didn’t mention it when we talked this morning. I was mowing the grass when she called. We talked for a long time. It felt good, like old times. Just having her back in my life means everything, especially now.
“When I weeded the vegetable garden, I saw that the okra was ready to be picked. I’ll gather some in the morning.” One of Liz’s favorite foods is fried okra. Or it used to be. She could eat her weight in it every time we went to Ruby’s. “I shouldn’t be out too late.”
“No need to rush home on our account. We’re usually fast asleep by nine. Curse of getting old.”
“You, old? Never. You’re still as beautiful as the day I was born.”
Mom playfully rolls her eyes and shoos me out of the house.
Nicholas sticks his head out of the open passenger-side window of the SUV and shouts, “Bye, Grandma!”
From the front porch, she waves and blows him a kiss. “Bye, sweetheart!”
“You’re slower than frozen molasses,” Jules gripes when I clamber into the back seat.
I can’t help but smile because that sounds so much like something Liz would say.
“Hey, Uncle Jayson.”
I’m so thankful that Julien made sure I had a relationship with my nephews. He and Elijah would bring the boys out to visit me in California every summer. I haven’t seen Nicholas or Grant since…
No point in dwelling on things I can’t change. Things I wouldn’t change even if I had a do-over, because I wouldn’t be sitting here now, sober and no longer under alcohol’s control, if I had taken a different path.
“What’s up, big man?” Nicholas and I bump fists.
He’s grown up so much in three years. He’s no longer the gangly kid I remember.
“Girls,” Elijah says from the front seat.
“Not just any girl. The girl,” Nicholas quickly replies with the surety of a teenager in the throes of first love.
Julien backs out of the driveway and onto the road. “There will be many more of those in your lifetime.”
Elijah flicks his shoulder. “Practice what you preach, baby. We met in seventh grade. One look at those beautiful grays, and I was done for.”
Julien snatches his hand and brings it to his lips, pressing a kiss to the back of Elijah’s hand. “Ditto.”
Nicholas turns to me and makes a gagging motion. “They’re always like that,” he leans in and whispers.
Seeing their affection toward one another makes me profoundly happy. My brother and Elijah fought hard for their love. Almost three decades later, after they first started dating, and they still act like newlyweds.
Returning my attention to Nicholas, I ask, “What’s her name?”
“Savannah,” he sighs, rather than says.
The tires hum against the asphalt as the sun melts into the distance in front of us as we drive. Ry’s house comes into view, and that all too familiar pang of regret makes itself known.
“She’s new at school…”
I recline against the leather seat, my arm resting along the sill of the door as I listen to Nicholas’s animated chatter about the girl who stole his heart with just one smile.
I could relate to every word. I fell head over heels for Liz the first time she smiled at me.
She was wearing that blue princess dress, a crooked tiara perched on her braided-pigtailed hair.
I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
Even at six years old, I was starstruck.
“And then,” Nick says, his voice rising with excitement, “she laughed at my joke. Like really laughed, not the fake kind that sounds like a barking chihuahua.”
His analogy has me chuckling. “A girl who laughs at your jokes is a keeper.”
“And it wasn’t even my best joke,” he replies before continuing, undeterred. “She’s got this cool vibe about her. Laid-back and chill. And she’s really pretty.”
Julien’s eyes grin at me through the rearview mirror. “Grant and Charlotte are dating. We now have two lovestruck kids in our house. It’s torture.”
“It’s gross,” Nicholas informs me. “All they do is suck face— all the time .”
“Just wait,” I tell him. “You’re not going to find it gross with Savannah.”
He folds his lips as he thinks about it, a smirk forming.
“When do we get to meet the one ?” Elijah teases.
Nicholas doesn’t take the bait. Smart kid. “She gave me her number and told me to call her.”
“Have you?” I ask.
He takes out his phone, giving it a serious stare. “Not yet.”
“If you wait too long, she’s going to think you’re not interested.”
Nicholas flops back into his seat. “If I call or text her right away, that screams desperation.”
“Says who?” Julien queries.
“Grant.”
“And how many girls has Grant dated?”
“Charlotte… ah , I see your point.” And apparently his excuse to text Savannah. His fingers immediately start flying over the screen of his phone.
With Nicholas distracted, I glance out my window and watch how the burnt umber of the setting sun stretches across the low rolling hills, turning the dry grass into a sea of flickering amber.
The land in this part of the county has remained surprisingly untouched by the encroachment of suburbia.
No master-planned housing developments or strip malls.
I wonder how many acres Liz and Ry’s house sits on because, from what I could see, there was nothing within eyesight of their property other than forests and fields.
“We’re here,” Jules says, snapping me out of my reverie.
He parks the SUV behind a Land Rover and shuts off the engine.
Without a word, Nicholas bounds out of the back seat and is off in a flash.
Elijah turns in his seat and looks back at me. “If you get too overwhelmed and want to leave, just say the word.”
Elijah and I got close during the year and a half Liz disappeared.
He gave up his dream of Stanford for CU, so he could be there for Julien when I couldn’t.
He became my voice of reason and my life preserver when I was drowning.
He stood by me when it felt like the entire world was against me.
I never deserved that type of loyalty, but he gifted it freely.
“Thanks, E, but I’m good.”
Julien’s concerned face pivots around. “There’s going to be a lot of people. Loud music. The usual. If you start to feel?—”
“I promise, I’m good,” I assure him.
Getting out of the car before he starts nagging, I slowly make my way up the porch steps to the house but hesitate as soon as I get to the front door. I must be out of my mind coming, but Liz wanted me here, so here I am.
Julien opens the front door and waits for me to enter first, as if he senses that I want to turn tail and run. The scent of baked chocolate, like cookies or brownies, is the first thing to hit me, followed by the noise of music and overlapping conversation.
My nerves suddenly take over, and I try to ease the tightness of my skin by rubbing the back of my neck. “Go on. I’ll be there in a sec.”
“You sure?” Julien asks.
“Yes, Mom. Stop hovering.”
He huffs in exasperation but doesn’t push. Elijah gives me an encouraging squeeze to the shoulder, then pulls Julien inside and shuts the door.
Spotting the bench swing, I sit down and try to will away the headache I feel coming on by massaging my temples with my fingers. Deep breath in, slow breath out.
“Mind if I join you?”
Cracking an eye open, a guy I don’t know is standing in front of me. He looks vaguely familiar. Brown hair and eyes. Tall. Clean-cut. Looks more business boardroom than blue collar.
“Sure.” I scoot over to make room, but he doesn’t take a seat.
He checks over his shoulder, looking for I don’t know what because there’s nothing there, then glances back at me, his demeanor screaming uncertainty. “Elizabeth gave me and Trev a heads-up that you’d be here tonight, so when I saw Julien…” He trails off.
The way he phrases it is weird. Why would Liz give him, or whoever Trev is, a “heads-up” that I was coming?
“I’m sorry. I’m not good at remembering faces from school. Did I know you?”
He offers his hand in greeting. “I was a freshman at Highland when you were a senior at Fallen Brook. I’m Austin. Austin Matfield.”
I take his hand and shake it, some niggling recollection poking at me. Where do I know that name from?
“Marshall’s younger brother,” he says, and I go rigid.