Chapter Nine #4
Rosamund could see that. Now it was she who began to feel confused and anxious at the situation, understanding that her daughter was her own person. She had found the life she wanted to live and all of that was now threatened.
“I can see that,” Rosamund said. “It did not occur to me that you would not be happy to return to your family and fulfill your duty as a de Lara daughter.”
Kathalin simply looked at her, pain in her expression.
“I have not been a de Lara daughter for many years,” she said, trying not to be so harsh.
“I have been a ward of St. Milburga’s. I have learned to heal, I have learned to read and write, and I manage the kitchens.
I am not a lady of refinement, one that would be expected in marrying a de Lara ally.
Do you realize that? When you sent me to St. Milburga’s, you sent me to learn the ways of the church, not the ways of a refinement.
I would embarrass myself in a great household, as things would be expected of me that I know nothing about. Did that ever occur to you, either?”
Rosamund shook her head. “It did not,” she said. Her gaze lingered on her daughter a moment. “You are not suited for the life we expect from you.”
Kathalin shook her head slowly. “I am not,” she said. “But that is your fault. Did you truly think that sending me to a convent would produce a fine and skilled lady?”
Rosamund fell silent, looking to her lap again.
She could see, clearly, what her daughter was telling her and it was the truth.
Kathalin would not know how to run a household or how to behave in noble and proper society.
All Kathalin knew was prayer and kitchens.
She truly hadn’t thought of any of that until now and her heart sank; why hadn’t she considered it?
She was a fool.
“I did not think on it,” she said after a moment. “I knew you would receive an education and the truth of the matter is that I did not think I would live long enough to see you as an adult.”
Kathalin regarded the woman a moment. “Yet you sent de Wolfe to bring me home,” she said. “I am coming to see that it was my request to take my vows that prompted it. You do not want me to take them.”
Rosamund shook her head. “Nay,” she said. “No de Lara is meant for the cloister.”
“Yet you still sent me to one.”
Rosamund lifted her head to look at her.
“It never occurred to me that you would want to pursue life as a nun,” she said honestly.
“And, as I said, I did not believe I would live long enough to see you into adulthood. But here you are, and here I am, and we have a problem between us. You wish to take your vows and I do not want you to. I want you to become a wife and mother and give me grandchildren. Is that such a terrible thing, Kathalin?”
Kathalin shook her head. “Nay,” she said honestly.
“But it was never anything I wanted to do. Being raised around women who were kind and generous and pious, they were the only women I knew. I always wanted to emulate them. You made a mistake sending me to St. Milburga’s those years ago; you would have done better had you sent me to a great house somewhere to be raised as a fine lady if that was what you truly wanted me to become. ”
Rosamund nodded. “I see that now,” she said. “I fear my lack of foresight has brought us to this point.”
In spite of everything, Kathalin was starting to feel sorry for the woman. Ill with a disease, she had made the best decision with her children that, at the time, she could. Now, the future had changed and so had her decision about her daughter’s future.
“What will you do?” Kathalin asked quietly.
Rosamund seriously pondered the question a moment before speaking.
“You wish to take your vows because it is the only life you have ever known,” she said.
“I want you to become a wife, something you do not know anything about. Would it be fair, then, to ask you to at least see something of that life and consider it before making your final decision?”
Kathalin cocked her head curiously. “What do you mean?”
Rosamund rose stiffly, painfully, from the chair.
“I will make you a proposal, Kathalin, and you will decide if it is a fair one,” she said.
“For now, allow your father and me to have a celebration in honor of your returning home. Meet people and become exposed to a world that you never knew. At least give it some time. Then, at the end of the celebration, if you still wish to take your vows as a nun, I will consider it. I promise that I will. But I feel that mayhap you must give consideration to a side of life you never knew. It is quite possible that you will like it.”
Kathalin didn’t want to agree to any of it but she thought of her alternative if she did not; they were going to force it on her anyway.
She truly had no choice no matter how her mother made it sound.
But the hope that Rosamund would consider her wishes if, in fact, she saw nothing agreeable with becoming a wife caused Kathalin to consider the proposal.
Not as if she had any real choice, but still, for the fact that it seemed to mean a good deal to her ill mother, she would agree to it.
But in her heart, she knew her decision would never change.
“Very well,” she said. “If you promise to consider allowing me to return to St. Milburga’s, I will attend your celebration and see the world for myself.”
Rosamund sighed heavily with relief. “Excellent,” she said. “If you allow yourself to enjoy it, my dear, I am sure you will not be sorry.”
Kathalin merely shrugged, unwilling to commit one way or the other.
Her mother seemed pleased and at least there was the potential of her returning to St. Milburga’s now, and that was all Kathalin cared about.
As the situation was settled between them, Kathalin’s focus began to lean back towards her mother’s affliction.
As a woman who had been trained in healing, Kathalin was most interested in it.
“May… may I ask you about your affliction, then?” she asked. “May I ask how you manage it? May I ask what you have tried to soothe it?”
A conversation that had started out harsh and tense turned to one of interest as Rosamund graciously agreed to speak on something she never spoke of.
It was embarrassing to her, and tragic, and the only people who knew about it never asked.
Neither Jasper nor her maid ever asked her how she was feeling; they simply reacted to her and her symptoms. Now, Kathalin was asking and it was awkward for Rosamund to speak of it at first, but Kathalin was genuinely interested without being judgmental or put off by it.
Her daughter, a virtual stranger who had existed in a world that Rosamund knew little of, turned out to be a woman of compassion and understanding when it came to Rosamund’s disease.
For the next hour, the two of them spoke of it and Rosamund even showed Kathalin both hands and arms, which the young woman carefully examined.
Kathalin seemed to understand the physical burdens of the disease and she was sympathetic to what Rosamund had suffered through.
When all was said and done, it had been one of the more surprisingly pleasant hours of Rosamund’s life. Kathalin’s, too.
But that trust would eventually be betrayed.