Chapter 26
Carter
Willa is lying to me, but she’s not ready to start anything with this guy. And he’s not her type.
I’m not as tall as some other guys I know, but this guy is shorter than me. He also has no sense of humor. His conversations have been centered around school and work, and not in the least bit interesting.
His hair is too light. His eyes are blue.
And he dances like a fuck boy.
Willa turned up the flirting as soon as they came back from dancing. She’s trying to prove a point, and two can play at that game.
It’s easy when Jocelyn hasn’t stopped touching me.
“You don’t like the cherry in your drink?” I pluck the cherry out of Jocelyn’s empty ice filled glass.
“I was never really a cherry girl.” Her fingers play with the ends of my hair as I pop the cherry into my mouth.
“I’ve always liked the bitter cherry taste.” I pull the stem out from between my teeth, catching sight of Willa staring at me from the corner of my eye. “It’s a raw smoky flavor.” My gaze lingers at Jocelyn’s lap and the small gap between her legs in the short tight dress she’s wearing.
Jocelyn clenches her legs together and rubs her heel against my jeans.
“I can’t believe you’re only here one night.” Willa giggles and taps Ken’s forearm. She’s not very good at flirting, but Ken isn’t minding it.
“Do you maybe want to head back? We can get a ride.” He pulls out his phone to open his ride share app.
“Why don’t we all head back?” I cut in. “It’s getting late anyway.”
There’s not a chance I’m letting Willa go home alone with him.
“Good idea,” Jocelyn chirps and rubs my shoulder. “Will you come back to the house with us?”
“Sure thing.” I look from her to Willa with a lift of my eyebrows to see what she thinks of that.
“Great, let’s go.” Willa clears her throat and pushes Ken out of the booth.
Once we’re moving, Jocelyn raises the volume of my radio, and I can’t hear what Willa and Ken are talking about in the back seat. His hand rests on her knee and I stop short at a light to make them jolt forward.
“Whoa, what’s the rush?” Jocelyn plays with my ear as I quickly drive through the campus. Ken’s hand is back on Willa’s leg, and I want him out of my car before I fucking blow.
But then I realize he’s staying in the same house, and I won’t be able to stop anything from happening. Not unless I stay over. Willa won’t go for me staying in her room to keep Ken out of it.
“Do you have any more drinks here?” I ask to prolong our hanging out when we pile into their living room.
Willa sits forward on the stool with her breasts popping out the top of her tight shirt.
“We have some rum, I think.” Jocelyn raids their cabinets for the alcohol and some cups.
“I don’t want to drink any more.” Willa declines the cup offered.
I take the shot. I nursed two beers all night, but if I’m going to do this, I’ll need more in me. I can’t turn Jocelyn down now that I’m here.
Ken smiles at Willa, staring at her chest before taking his shot.
“Where are you sleeping, Kenny?” I sit on the couch to get comfortable.
“Where you’re sitting, I guess.” He sits down on the stool next to Willa, draping his arm behind her.
Willa leans into his gesture. She’s going to do it. She’s going to sleep with him.
Jocelyn kicks my calf and steps over my leg. Sliding down, she straddles herself on my lap.
We’re doing this.
If Willa is going to sleep with Ken, then I’m going to fuck Jocelyn. She’ll never forgive me for this. She won’t be mad and she won’t say anything, but she’ll never forget and I’ll never be forgiven.
Jocelyn cups my cheek and sucks my lips between hers.
Fuck. I can’t do this in front of Willa.
I turn away, and Jocelyn nibbles on my ear.
“Let’s go upstairs.” Jocelyn stands and grabs my hand to pull me up.
Willa won’t look at me. She stares down at the floor as Jocelyn leads the way to her room. Only a few doors down from Willa’s.
“I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.” Jocelyn slams the door behind her.
I stand in the middle of the room, taking in the hockey awards and memorabilia.
“Cool stuff.”
“Uh huh.” She kicks off her heeled boots, decreasing her height by several inches. Almost the same height as Willa.
“You won a lot of trophies.” I note the shelf of different trophies she’s received over the years.
I’ve never received any individual ones, only ones I’ve got playing as a team.
“Yup.” She slinks over in front of me and runs her hands up my abs to my shoulders under my jacket, slipping it down my arms and tossing it onto the desk chair behind me.
Rising up on her toes, she lightly presses her lips onto mine. Kissing me softly as my hands lightly touch her sides.
This is wrong. It’s very wrong, but it’s what Willa wants. I’ll do whatever she wants me to do, but I don’t think I can do this.
“You’re different from what I expected.” Jocelyn pulls away.
“How so?” I laugh.
“I expected you to take control.” She shrugs and turns her back to me, pulling her long honey blonde hair over her shoulder to reveal the zipper of her dress. “Unzip me?”
My hand shakes as I touch the zipper.
What the fuck is wrong with me? It’s a fucking zipper. I’ve done this more times than I can count. Detach and just fucking do it.
This is wrong.
“Fuck, I can’t do this.” I back away and run my hand through my hair. “I’m sorry. I can’t”
Jocelyn’s shoulders slump forward and her mouth hangs open as she turns to look at me.
“I, uh–”
“Is there something wrong with me?” She plops on her bed and holds a penguin stuffed animal in her lap.
“No–”
“I don’t get it. You sleep with tons of girls, and I’m throwing myself at you.”
“Jocelyn, it’s not you.” I sit down next to her. “You’re gorgeous, and normally I sleep with anyone, but I haven’t in a while.”
“Why then?” She tucks her legs onto the bed under her. “I’ve been flirting with you, and you never look my way.”
“I knew you liked me.” I groan and run my hand over my face. “I avoided hooking up with you because you would flirt, and I only fucked women I knew wouldn’t be looking for more.”
“So, you purposely avoid sleeping with anyone that likes you?” She looks at me like I’m fucking crazy.
I am or I used to be. Willa’s the only one I want to sleep with, but I want so much more with her. If I could, I’d spend the rest of my life with her.
“I’m not stupid, Carter.” Jocelyn rolls her eyes.
“I’m fucking crazy, but it’s true. My life is complicated, and I can’t date or be with anyone.” I give her the truth, but before Willa, I would’ve eventually fucked her. I would’ve laid it out that it was a one-night stand and she would have agreed to it.
“If all I want is to have sex with you, what’s the difference?” There it is. She”s willing to sleep with me, no strings attached. They always are.
“Something changed.” I rub my face again, trying to decide if I should tell her, but I don’t want to pin Willa against the boards, putting her in a hard spot to get out of. I can’t get between her and her friend. “There’s someone else that I’ve been seeing, but we’re not exclusive.”
“Willa?” she questions with disgust dripping in her voice.
“No.” I lie automatically. “Not Willa.”
“Oh.” Jocelyn’s shoulders drop. “I see.”
“I’m really sorry. I wanted to do this, but I can’t.” I sigh and rise from her bed. “You’re really fucking sexy. I’m really fucking stupid.” I grab my jacket to leave.
“You are,” she agrees with me, and rises from her bed to let me out.
Opening her door, she rises to her toes once more and kisses me softly. “Goodnight, Carter.”
I make my way quietly down the hall to do the man’s walk of shame of not getting laid. It’s odd, but I’m happy I didn’t go through with it. One day, I’ll get over Willa, but it’s not going to be anytime soon.
The lights are all out, and I’m nervous about what I’ll be walking into when I make my way down the stairs. Either Willa will be on the couch with Ken, or no one will be down there and Ken will be up in Willa’s room.
No matter what, it’s going to fucking hurt.
But when I tiptoe behind the couch, I notice Ken laid out and softly snoring. Alone.
He’s alone.
Willa isn’t anywhere downstairs, which means she’s alone in her room.
“Yes,” I hiss, unable to contain my excitement, clutching my fist and bringing my elbow into my side.
She couldn’t do it.
He was ready and willing, but Willa turned him down.
Ken snorts and moves on the couch, making me hide back by the stairs. Looking up the quiet dark steps, I make my decision and quietly run back up.
After a soft knock on Willa’s door, I open it a crack. Peeking my head in as quietly as I can, afraid to wake anyone else up or that Jocelyn will hear me. But when the door opens, soft sobs come from inside the dark room.
“Willa?”
“Carter?” She sits up and wipes the tears from her face.
I rush in, softly closing the door behind me and coming to her side.
“What’s wrong? Did he hurt you?”
“No.” She wipes more tears from her face. “No, nothing happened. I went to bed as soon as you guys went upstairs.”
“Then why are you crying?” I did this. I left her alone.
“I had a rough week. It caught up to me.” She grabs a tissue from her nightstand and blows her nose. “What happened with Jocelyn? Why aren’t you with her? Did you do it already?”
“Nothing happened.” I tuck her short hair behind her ear and let my hand fall down her arm. “I couldn’t do it.”
“Why not?” She blows her nose again.
“I didn’t want to.” I’ll never be able to touch another woman as long as Willa is near me. “Are you ok?” I rub the blanket over her thigh.
“I don’t know. He was asking about my injury and if I was going to play hockey again in the car, and I shut down.” She lies back down with her hand on her head.
I toss my jacket off to the side and kick my shoes off.
“Is it ok if I stay for a bit?” I wouldn’t leave her like this even if she said no.
“Please.” She makes room for me on the bed. “I don’t want to be alone.”
I lie down next to her, and roll her into my side for her to put her head on my chest.
“You’re not alone.” I kiss the top of her head, and she moans, already falling asleep.
A few hours later, I sneak out before anyone wakes up.
I’m not a good guy like Ken is. Dry sense of humor aside, he is nice, smart, and doesn”t seem to have any anger issues or demons that he keeps hidden.
I’m not good for Willa, but I can try to be. She makes me want to be good for her.
We’ve won three games in a row. If we keep winning, we’ll have a shot of qualifying for the Frozen Four.
Willa has been settling nicely into her coaching role, and is more confident in stepping in to train us.
After our game, I told her to wait for me. She has so much going on with classes, coaching, physical therapy, and now the therapy sessions with Dr. Birch that we haven’t had much time to hang out. I don’t want to overwhelm her. The most I can do is to be here for her.
I come out of the locker room, but don’t see her anywhere. Looking down the hall, I notice her large gym bag on the floor next to the doors leading to the rink.
She’s sitting in the empty stands, staring longingly at the ice.
“Have you tried to put on skates again?” I come up, trying not to scare her.
“I’m taking it slow,” she answers without looking at me. “I put on the skates at home in my room, and I sit here or on the bench with them next to me. I haven’t tried to skate again yet.”
I climb up the stands and sit next to her.
“Dr. Birch says I should try again with you.”
“Do you want to try again?” I ask carefully.
“Yes. I think so.” She looks down and I notice her skates on her feet.
“Whenever you’re ready, you let me know.” I grab her hand that’s resting on the chair armrest between us.
“I don’t want to think about it anymore.” She bends down and undoes the laces to take her skates off. “Can we do something fun?”
“Something fun that doesn’t include hockey or ice? In this town?” I rub my chin as if I’m thinking it over. “Car sex was fun. We can do that in a different—”
She slaps my leg before I can finish.
“I’m serious.” She picks her leg up to push her foot into her winter fur-lined boots. “I’d even settle for a game of laser tag that Luca would always insist on doing.”
“Nope, I know something better than that.” I stand and hold my hand out to help her up.
She takes my hand, filling it with a warmth that soars straight to the block of ice inside my chest.
“It can’t involve getting naked,” she warns me as I lead her out.
“Damn, way to destroy the night before it gets started.”
She gives me that look as we walk out the door, telling me she’s not going to take my shit tonight.
Driving into town, she knows exactly where I’m headed.
“Tacos again? You spoil me.” She gets out of the car before I have a chance to run around to open the door for her. “I’m not sure how many tacos I can eat after the pizza I had for dinner,” she adds with a rub of her flat stomach.
“They have an event tonight.” I hold the door open for her and lead her in with a hand on her lower back. “I didn’t bring you here for a second dinner.”
“That’s disappointing.” She frowns while reading the sign by the door for the event. “Paint night?”
“What? It’ll be fun.” I take her hand and lead her to the area they have sectioned off for the event.
“I don’t know about this. I don’t have a creative bone in my body.” She drags her feet as she follows me.
“If it’s a bone you want, I have a big one I can give you.” I wink over my shoulder.
“Oh god.” Willa laughs with a shake of her head. “That was bad, even for you.”
That’s because it’s been a while since I got laid, and I have sex on the brain. Specifically, sex with Willa, but I’m taking it slow.
We’re a few minutes late, but they happily let us join and give us aprons and two blank canvases to start.
“I’ve never been a cat person,” I say, looking at the picture we’re supposed to be painting. The silhouette of a cat perched on a cliff in front of a heart-shaped moon.
“I love cats.” Willa grabs a brush and dives in. “I used to have one. She was old when I found her, but she needed a home.”
“Cats scratch, and hiss.” I look at the disgusting figure on the sample canvas. “I don’t see what’s so great about them. I’m going to change mine into a husky. Huskies are loyal. They’re fun, and energetic.” Willa eyes me over her canvas. “Very lovable and cuddly.”
“How poetic.” She rolls her eyes.
“Some Huskies will let you ride them all night long.” I wink at her over my canvas. “After taking you out for tacos, of course.”
“Oh yeah,” she squints over at me while dipping her paint in another color, “what kind of huskies are those?”
“The hockey playing kind.”
“Ha.” Willa throws her head back in a loud laugh, making the others who are quietly painting their picture look over at us.
Clearing her throat, she settles down with her lips rolling tightly together. “I’ll have to keep an eye out for one of those.”
“You won’t have to look far.”
Her eyes snap up from the canvas to lock with mine.
The instructor comes between us, interrupting our moment to give us tips on the next part.
I’m making unspoken promises. Willing her to feel my intentions, but I want so much more than what I’m saying. I need to take it slow with Willa.
She’s been through too much in the past few months.
“What the hell? Yours actually looks good.” Willa peeks around the round table to see my painting. “You’ve done this before, haven’t you?”
“Never.” I shrug. Who knew I could be actually good at something? My painting didn’t come out that bad. The tricky part was the distant craters in the moon and the shape of the husky I attempted that looks like a cross between a dog and cat. To make it more my own, I changed the pinks and oranges in the background around the moon to different shades of blue.
Willa did the same, but with purple.
“Let me see yours.” I lean over to take a peek.
“No.” She turns it away. “It’s so bad.”
“It can’t be that bad. Let me see.” I try to turn it toward me, but she pulls it away.
“Nope. It’s going straight into the trash.” She puts it to the side facing the wall to let it dry.
She gets up to take off her apron and I move around the table, grabbing her painting to see it.
“No,” she squeals and jumps on my back. “You can’t see it!”
“It’s just a painting. Nobody”s perfect.” I fight my arms free from her hold of wrapping her legs around them. They slide down around my waist and her arms hug my shoulders.
“Don’t look,” she screeches and frantically covers my face with her hands. Ignoring her, I turn it around, peering at it through the small slits of her fingers.
“Wow,” I breathe out, taking in the picture she painted.
“It’s so bad.” Her hands slowly move from my face as she slides off my back.
“I was expecting bad.” I tilt my head to make it out better. “But I wasn’t expecting this bad.”
She gasps and hits my arm while I laugh at the painting.
The cliff ledge looks more like a brown ball or turd. The cat is plump and round in the middle, but it’s hunched over and small like a rat. That’s the worst of it, but the heart-shaped moon isn’t a heart at all. The bottom is pointed, but the top looks like a circle over a pair of tits.
I laugh as I set it down. “Is that a pair of tits?” I point to the two mounds that appear to be coming from behind the moon.
“I messed up.” She shoves me away from it, covering it back up before anyone else sees it while it dries.
“Come, I’ll buy you a taco for your effort.”
She claps and bounces happily to the bar to indulge in a beef filled dessert. One taco turns into a full meal and shared dessert.
“As bad of a painter as I am, that was kind of fun,” she admits when I pull up in front of her house. “Thank you.” She leans in and kisses my cheek.
“Are you going to take your painting?” I stop her from leaving.
“No,” she laughs. “You can have it.”
“How about you take mine, and I’ll take yours? We can hang it in our rooms.” I hold out my painting for her to take.
“Wait, sign it first.” She rummages in her bag for a pen for me to sign. “Aw, you put a heart.” She coos after I hand it over with my signature. “Ok, goodnight.”
“Willa, wait.” I stop her from leaving again. Fuck taking things slow. I was trying not to overwhelm her, but I need to tell her how I feel, because that heart means a lot more than what she thinks.
I run my hand through my hair, hesitating to say it.
I just have to spit it out.
“I–”
“Oh my god,” Willa squeals and jumps out of the car, running across her lawn to the Delta Nu house and right into the arms of her best friend, Luca.
Fuck.
Taking a second, I follow her out with the painting I made for her that she left behind.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” She punches Luca’s shoulder.
“I wanted to surprise you.” Luca rubs his arm before sticking his hand out to give me a fist bump. “What’s up, man?” He grunts, straightening back his shoulders to intimidate me.
Luca is nothing compared to the shit I deal with.
“Are you here for the alumni dinner?” I ask about the dinner we have tomorrow night. It’s for alumni hockey players, board members, coaches, and seniors.
“Yeah, Coach invited me as an alumnus, and I had a few days off.” He grins back over his shoulder as Kandi comes off the front porch to greet us.
“I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” I hand off the painting to Willa.
“Thanks, I’ll talk to you later,” she calls out, and I wave back at her.
Whatever I was going to say will have to wait. Luca and I never got along, and he’s the last person I want to hang around with.
He’s Willa’s best friend, and I’ll have to get over it. But I need to think of what I’m going to say to her and I want time just for the two of us.