4. Zoey
4
Zoey
N oah Ryan can kiss my ass.
I knew he was troubled. I knew he was spiraling out of control, but the stranger who stood before me in the student office was nothing but a monster with a fractured soul. Those dark eyes I used to adore were cold and lifeless, not even close to the ones I used to know.
Noah always had a mean streak, but he’d go out of his way to reel it in when he was with me. The other kids on the playground were terrified to even look at me wrong because Noah was my protector, but not anymore. The hateful, cruel words that so easily fell from his lips . . . shit. They chilled me to the bone.
I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
I ran as fast as my feet could take me, thankful it was too early for students to be crowding the halls, and the second I could, I barged through the door of the girls’ bathroom and threw up every single bite of my breakfast. And since then, I’ve been hiding out in here, too scared to take a single step outside that door, fearing what I might find.
I sat up all night, my heart racing as I tried to imagine what I was going to find this morning, but never in my wildest dreams did I picture that. I thought maybe he’d give me a sad smile, maybe he’d subtly push me away, or maybe he might have even wrapped me in his arms and told me how much he missed me.
God, I wanted him to do that so badly. I needed him to welcome me back into his arms, tell me that everything was going to be okay, and take away all the hurt from the past three years. I needed to breathe him in, needed to feel the warmth of his strong arms holding me to his chest, promising me that he would always be right by my side.
But what I got turned my heart to ash.
Don’t even get me started on the stench of cigarettes that wafted off him and made my stomach turn. He always swore to me that he’d never smoke, not after his grandfather died of lung cancer. He hated it and would turn up his nose at people smoking in the street. It made me realize that I can’t even pretend to know him anymore.
And yet, every piece of me was calling out to him, desperately needing him to make this right.
I hate how much I wanted him, and I hate that after three long years, he still owns every part of me, but what I hate most of all? Despite the words I threw back at him, he could see right through me as though not a single day had passed. He knew the effect his cruelty was having on me, and all he could do was slam the knife further into my chest and revel in my pain as he twisted it right to the hilt.
So why the hell do I still miss him so much?
He was beautiful. Breathtaking even. I’ve gone out of my way over the past few years not to look him up, not to delve into his world, but as his popularity grew, it’s almost been impossible not to know him from afar. Aunt Maya had told me how tall he’d gotten, how he’d filled out, those once boyish muscles now prominent and toned, but nothing could prepare me for seeing him in the flesh.
He was everything I always thought he’d become . . . physically at least. His dark hair was messy and too long, falling into his eyes, but it was always that way. Noah hated getting it cut; he always said it was a waste of time, but really he just hated how everyone would fawn over him and tell him how handsome he was.
I could see the defined ridges of his muscled pecs beneath his black shirt, and while I’ve never been that girl to go boy crazy and want what I can’t have, I wanted so desperately to reach out and touch him.
I can only imagine how that would have gone down.
This chisel-jawed version of Noah is a complete stranger to me. I don’t know him, and honestly, I’m too scared to try. All I know is that there’s a little boy buried deep inside of him—a little boy I once loved with all of my heart—screaming to get out.
Noah Ryan is stuck living in a hell he created for himself, pushing away anything that could possibly force him to feel, and for the first time in three years, I find myself questioning if I have it in me to save him.
Letting out a heavy sigh, I hear the rush of students outside the bathroom door and realize it’s probably time to pull myself together and get on with it. Tarni, Abby, and Cora should be here any minute, so if I don’t go and stop by my locker now, there’s a good chance I’ll be late for homeroom, and I’m not starting my junior year with detention.
Wiping my eyes, I check my reflection in the mirror, hating how red and puffy my face looks after spending the last twenty minutes bawling like some kind of pathetic loser. On the plus side, I need to make a shrine for my waterproof mascara. It held up beautifully.
Hoping to the Hemsworth gods that I can somehow get out of here unscathed, I raise my chin and push out into the packed halls. But the moment I settle into the crowd and head toward my locker, I realize just how foolish I was to hope for a miracle like that.
The halls are buzzing with the news of Noah’s transfer, and a heavy sense of dread sinks to the pit of my stomach. My gaze shifts through the corridor, constantly on guard, terrified of seeing him walk around the corner and pretending I don’t exist.
Reaching my locker unscathed, I let out a breath of relief, and my hands shake as I program my code. 0228. My birthday. It’s barely even eight-thirty in the morning, and I feel as though I’ve lived a whole lifetime in the past half hour.
Diving into the empty locker, I toss in my things before finding my class schedule and double-checking where I need to be for homeroom, unable to escape the constant chatter about the amazing Noah Ryan coming from behind me. Getting what I need for my morning classes, I close my locker just in time to hear my best friend’s voice rising over the hum of the crowd. “Well heyyyyy biiiiitch,” she hollers, Abby and Cora at her back, gossiping animatedly and barely sparing a second to glance up.
I plaster a smile across my face when Tarni flies into me, and as her arms wrap around me, her momentum pushes us both against my locker. “Where the hell have you been all morning? I’ve texted you like four hundred times. I was gonna grab you a coffee, but then it was like you fell off the face of the earth, so I didn’t bother.”
“Ah, shit, sorry,” I say with a cringe, slipping my phone out of my pocket to find an array of texts, most of them are from Tarni, but two are from Mom telling me she loves me, and one is from Aunt Maya checking in to make sure I made it through my morning alive. “Thanks anyway. I’ve been a little caught up this morning. I haven’t had a chance to check my phone until now.”
Tarni scoffs and settles against the lockers, her gaze shifting over the crowd as Abby and Cora creep in to say hello, hovering in front of us. “What were you doing anyway?” Tarni questions. “And don’t even think about telling me you were studying because classes haven’t even started yet, and I know that’s not true.”
A small grin pulls at my lips at her mention of our ongoing punchline where I tell her I’m busy with schoolwork just to get out of attending ridiculous parties. “No, I had to drop by the student office,” I tell her, hesitating to tell her about my run-in with Noah. “There umm . . . There was an issue with my class schedule that I needed to get fixed up.”
She narrows her gaze on me, and I shift my stare to the students passing, hoping she doesn’t try to delve deeper into this. Just like Noah, Tarni has always been able to see right through me, knowing exactly when I’m being untruthful. Or perhaps I’m just a really bad liar.
“So,” Abby says, glancing down the hallway. “Have you seen him yet?”
“Seen who?” I ask, my stomach doing flips.
Abby’s eyes widen, and I watch as excitement flashes through them, assuming she gets to be the one to break the news about Noah attending East View. “Holy shit! You haven’t heard yet?” she gasps. “Noah Ryan is transferring here. It’s supposedly his first day, but I don’t think anyone has actually seen him yet. I overheard these girls outside saying they doubt he’s even coming, and I mean . . . if that’s true, my heart is going to break. I’ve been crushing on him so hard ever since I saw him play against East View two years ago. He’s so freaking hot.”
Well, shit. That’s going to be fun to deal with.
“He’s definitely coming. Right, Zo?” Tarni says, stepping in a little closer, and at the confused looks on Abby’s and Cora’s faces, Tarni goes on. “Don’t you remember? Zoey and Noah used to be like . . . bestest friends. Their moms hang out all the time.”
Her use of our old saying bestest friends makes it feel dirty, and I do what I can to hide the disdain creeping through my chest.
“Oh shit,” Cora says. “I completely forgot about that. You guys used to be like really close, huh?”
“Something like that,” I tell them, desperately wishing to change the topic, but something tells me that Noah Ryan is going to be the center of attention until he finally graduates and gets his ass out of here. I’m going to have to get used to it.
“So, then he’s definitely coming to East View?” Abby confirms.
I nod. “Yep. At least, that’s what his mom told me last night.”
“Holy shit,” Cora says with a dreamy expression. “You’re so freaking lucky. You were talking to his mom! You have a direct line to Noah Ryan. Does that mean his family is always at your place and shit like that? You have to introduce us.”
Ugh. I couldn’t think of anything worse.
I’m just about to tell them where they can shove their introduction when the hallway erupts with excited gasps and shrieks. A path forms right down the center like the Red Sea parting for East View’s newest celebrity.
My stomach twists into knots, and as the girls shuffle forward, trying to get just a glance at the famous Noah Ryan, I find myself shrinking back against my locker, trying to hide behind the crowd. But I sense him there, and I hold my breath, preparing for another blow.
This is too much. I can’t live my life terrified of seeing his face.
It hurts too much.
My breath comes in hard pants, anxiety gripping my throat and squeezing as my gaze follows the movement of the crowd. Eager bystanders try to peer around one another, but I remain braced against my locker. The bell for homeroom sounds through the halls, yet no one seems to make a move.
My hands start to shake and then finally, there’s a break in the crowd and I see him.
Noah Ryan. My Noah Ryan.
It’s still so surreal seeing him after all this time, and even after seeing him in the student office this morning, my world is rocked again. I catch my breath, my whole body burning from the inside out as I feel him, that invisible string between us pulsing with the fiercest electricity. We’ve always been tethered together, and no amount of distance is ever going to change that.
He doesn’t look at me, but I know he feels me here. How could he not? How could he possibly deny something so raw and pure? I know he might hate me right now. He might be desperate to push me away and watch his world burn to ashes around him, but there’s no doubt in my mind that he still loves me. He will always love me, and no matter how hard he tries, he will never be able to escape it.
Our souls formed an impenetrable bond the day we first met, and since then, it’s only gotten stronger. The more he tries to deny it, the more he hurts us both. But something tells me it’s that pain he craves. Right now, feeling the pain is the only thing keeping him breathing.
Come on, Noah. Look at me, just once. Let your eyes light up like they used to. Show me you still care.
He goes to stride past us when Tarni does the unthinkable and pushes herself right out in front of him, stepping directly in his path and trying to stop him with a hand against his chest.
I suck in a breath, my heart thundering with a weird sense of betrayal and hurt, not understanding how she could possibly think this is a good idea. Hasn’t she been listening to me over the past three years? She knows how much this distance has killed me. I thought she cared.
“Hey, Noah,” she purrs, batting her lashes at him as he steps around her, not missing a single stride. Hell, not even bothering to spare her a glance. She’s forced to quickly back up, trying not to fall over her feet. “I don’t know if you remember me. I’m Tarni. You, me, and Zoey used to be like bestest friends—”
His ferocious gaze snaps to mine, the intensity pinning me to my locker as though an invisible hand had physically shoved me back. My breath catches in my throat, my eyes locked on his, held captive as he unknowingly pulls on that tether between us, daring me to make a move.
The moment lasts barely a second, yet it feels like it could have been a lifetime before he finally releases my stare and shrugs off Tarni’s touch, not allowing her the chance to finish her sentence. Noah keeps walking, his herd of loyal fans following his every step as Tarni is left behind gaping at him with hearts in her eyes.
Once the crowd starts fanning out, and students scurry to get to homeroom, I stare at Tarni in the middle of the corridor, watching as her gaze slowly shifts back to mine. “Holy shit,” she beams as Abby and Cora take off. “Did you see that? Noah Ryan touched my hand.”
“He didn’t touch your hand,” I mutter, that thick betrayal slicing through my chest. “Your hand touched him.”
“Same thing,” she says before letting out a heavy breath and falling back into me. “Oh my god, is it going to be weird if I fall madly in love with him? You’re over that, right? Because dammmmmn. Noah Ryan just became my latest project.”
Just great. That’s exactly what I need—my best friend crushing on the other half of my soul.
What could possibly go wrong?
I guess I was wrong about Tarni understanding how much I yearn for things between me and Noah to be good again, to go back to how they used to be. She’s too busy crushing on him to notice anything else. If she’s looking for my permission to pursue him, she won’t find it here.