5. Zoey
5
Zoey
I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
Crap, I love him so much.
Today has sucked. Every corner I’ve walked around has been done with shaky hands. The only time I felt safe was during class when I knew I wouldn’t see him, but even then, I sat in fear. What if he walked past my classroom? What if I were sent somewhere and passed him? What if we were to do a fire drill and we were all crammed into the hall together? I can’t handle the unknown. This is not how I pictured my junior year.
It’s just after one in the afternoon, and the school is still buzzing with the news of Noah walking our halls. It’s as though they’re starstruck, unable to wrap their tiny minds around the fact that they’re in the same room as the one and only football legend. I mean, I know he’s good, but is he really that good? I don’t particularly care for football. At least, I used to back when . . . you know. But ever since then, I stopped following it.
I used to go to all of his games and was always the loudest one cheering in the grandstand full of admirers, but I haven’t seen him play in three years. He was always amazing, and I’m sure he’s only gotten better, especially considering the hype around his name.
My heart races as I approach the cafeteria doors for lunch. I don’t want to be here. I should have just grabbed my car keys out of my locker and taken off for lunch. It would have made this so much easier. All morning, my only saving grace has been the knowledge that I could easily avoid him, but here in this cafeteria where the whole football team usually eats, there’s no avoiding him now. Especially considering Tarni’s newfound love for Noah Ryan, there’s no way in hell the girls are going to agree to eat outside. The whole school is going to be crammed into the cafeteria.
Striding through the open double doors, I keep my head down, but as the hairs on the back of my neck stand on edge, I know without a doubt that he’s here.
I hear the rowdiness of the football team almost immediately, and even though he hasn’t even made it to his first practice, I’m sure that Noah has already found his people. They would have sniffed him out the second he walked through the door, acting as though he’s their savior here to give them the best shot for the season.
My gaze remains locked on the scuffed linoleum, and the further I get across the cafeteria, the harder it becomes to resist glancing up.
Don’t do it, Zoey. You’re not going to see his smile. You’re not going to see the old light in his dark eyes. You’re setting yourself up for more heartbreak. Don’t do it.
I’m right. I don’t want to look. I don’t want to see what I’m missing or how he so effortlessly falls in line with the other football pigs of East View. I can’t watch him welcome these strangers into his life when he couldn’t even pretend to do the same for me.
The very thought has a fierce jealousy cutting through my chest, but the second I come to terms with it and refuse to allow it to affect me, a new resolve pounds through my chest. I raise my head, not allowing Noah Ryan to ruin the rest of my day, but the second I do, the second I let my guard down, weakness plagues me, and I snap my stare across the cafeteria.
I look.
My gaze locks on to Noah immediately, almost as though there was a big red arrow in flashing lights pointing him out, or maybe it’s the stupid tether leading me right to him. Either way, what I see has me stumbling over my own feet, my chest aching.
Shannan Holter, the captain of the cheerleading team, sits on his lap with her legs squished between his as his hand rests dangerously high on her thigh. She looks as though she’s on cloud nine, like there was only one dessert put out for lunch and she was the lucky one who snatched it up first. How though? It’s only lunchtime on his first day. How the hell has she snatched him up already? The Noah I know would never have let some skank cheerleader make a claim on him.
God, that hurts. I was prepared to see him with his friends, prepared to see him play again, but I sure as hell wasn’t prepared to see him welcome someone else into his life.
An ugliness pulses through my veins, poisoning me from the inside out, and I quickly realize it’s jealousy. I was thirteen when he walked away, and while we were definitely flirtatious with each other, it was never inherently sexual. We were too young, only just starting to see each other in a new light. He pulled me down onto his lap a million times before, but it never looked like that.
Damn it. Why did I have to look?
“ZO!” I hear my name hollered across the cafeteria.
My head snaps to the left, finding Tarni standing up on a bench, waving her hands to get my attention as Abby and Cora laugh, trying to pull her down. I hastily make my way toward them, unable to keep from glancing back at Noah, only now those piercing eyes are locked on mine.
My heart lurches in my chest, and I pause for just a moment, paralyzed under the weight of his intense stare. But finding myself and remembering that I’ve survived much worse than anyone in this stupid school could ever imagine, I fix a scowl across my face and roll my eyes before looking away.
Noah Ryan will not see me break. I am stronger than that, stronger than what he could ever put me through.
Making my way over to the girls, I drop my lunch on the table as I take my seat beside Tarni and push my food away, suddenly not so hungry. “What’s up with you?” Cora questions. “You look like someone just pissed in your Cheerios.”
“Nothing,” I mutter, refusing to meet her eyes, hating how easily everyone seems to be able to read me. “I’m fine.”
“Oh really?” Tarni grunts, not believing me for even a second. “You’ve been a moody bitch all day, and my spidey senses are telling me it has everything to do with the man meat across the cafeteria. But honestly, Zo, what gives? You guys hung out like three years ago. And don’t get me wrong, I’m only saying this because I love you, but don’t you think you’re being a little . . . much?”
I let out a breath, wanting nothing more than to take off and pretend today never happened. Tarni just doesn’t get it. She never has. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I couldn’t care less about him.”
Abby rolls her eyes. “I’m sorry girl, but I’m not buying it,” she says. “It’s written all over you. Clearly he means something to you, but I just don’t get it. Are you upset because he hasn’t tried to say hello? Because I’ve got news for you. He’s a dude, a very popular dude. He was declared the king of the school before the semester even started. He’s not about to come find you when he has the whole world at his feet. If you wanna talk to him, then go say hi. Otherwise, maybe it’s time to admit that whatever friendship you had ended years ago and move on.”
My hands ball into fists under the table, and I stare at Abby, biting my tongue harder than I’ve ever bitten it before. I’ve been friends with her since I started at East View as a misguided, broken freshman, barely two months after Noah walked away from me. Not once during that time have I ever spoken to her about my relationship with Noah. I’ve specifically gone out of my way not to talk about it because of how much it hurts, and it’s just a stark reminder of how far away I’ve kept these girls. No one in this school really knows me. Apart from Tarni, they don’t know the struggles I went through at six years old, the wars I’ve already battled. All they know is the broken girl they met at thirteen years old, never really understanding the depth of my despair.
Abby shrinks away from my stare, and it’s clear her opinion is based solely on what Tarni has told her. Neither of them really understands how much their casual dismissal kills me.
“I agree,” Tarni says, her gaze locked on Noah and Shannan. “It’s time to move on because this boring, moody Zoey is killing my vibe. You and Noah were only friends anyway. You were little kids. It’s not like you were madly in love and on the verge of marriage and babies. Sometimes friends come and go, and that’s alright. Doesn’t mean we need to get hung up on it. Besides, you have us now, and having three besties will always be better than one gorgeous piece of man meat.”
I try to see it from her perspective and force a smile, but the piercing stare from across the room makes focusing on anything else almost impossible. I hate that he can still pull the tether between us without even meeting my eyes.
What’s Tarni’s problem, anyway? She’s always hated when I spoke of Noah in the past. She has gone to great lengths to change the topic, and for a while, I thought maybe she was jealous of the overwhelming, once-in-a-lifetime bond I shared with him, but now I’m wondering if I was wrong. Maybe it wasn’t my friendship with him she was threatened by, but more his friendship with me. Was she jealous all these years that he looked at me like an angel descending the heavens while looking at her like the trash I accidentally stepped in? Ever since we became friends at six, he’s hated her.
“You’re right. I’m being silly,” I tell her, but the words feel like venom on my tongue. I don’t want this to force a wedge between us because, despite her delivery, she’s right. It’s time to put it all behind me and try to enjoy junior year. “Noah Ryan is in the past.”
“Oh no, no, no, girl,” Tarni laughs. “He’s far from in the past. I mean, look at him. Someone who looks like that cannot be in the past. I’m sorry to break the news, Zo, but you’re gonna have to get used to seeing him around because I wasn’t kidding this morning. I need to get closer to him. I’ve been obsessing all morning! I have to sink my claws into that.”
Is she kidding me?
I gape at her, a fierce anger trying to break through the surface as I wave toward the embarrassment across the room. “Don’t know if you’ve noticed,” I mutter, trying to keep the bite out of my tone, “but your little boy toy has already been spoken for.”
Tarni scoffs. “Who? Shannan Holter? Once he fucks her—and I’m assuming that’ll be by the end of lunch—he’ll be done with her, leaving all the room for me to swoop in and take what’s mine.”
Cora laughs. “Yeah, right. She’s the captain of the cheer team, and there’s no doubt that he’ll be announced captain and quarterback of the football team. It’s like they’re fated to end up together. She’s not going to let him slip away now. Consider it a done deal. Noah and Shannan are gonna be East View’s newest it couple.”
God, I hate how right she is. I’ve never had anything to do with Shannan, and I don’t really know her on a personal level, but I’ve watched from afar, and when she wants something, she gets it. And it’s clear from the way she’s draping herself all over Noah that she wants him more than anything.
Tarni sighs, realizing Cora is right too, and as she watches them, she narrows her gaze. “What do you think Shannan has that I don’t?” Tarni murmurs, playing with her lunch rather than eating it. “Do you think it’s the whole cheerleader thing? I could cheer too. They’re having tryouts this week.”
“Oh God,” I laugh. “I’d love to see that. A baby deer stuck on ice is more coordinated than you.”
“Shut up,” she mutters, rolling her eyes, her lips pulling into a smirk before turning on Abby. “Whatever happened to that guy you were seeing over the summer?”
Abby drops her gaze immediately, her cheeks flushing bright red. “Nothing,” she says with a scoff, hurt shining in her eyes. “School started, and he decided he needs to keep up appearances and couldn’t possibly be seen with a loser like me.”
“What?” I breathe. “No, you’re lying. Tell me he didn’t really say that?”
“I wish I could,” she says, her heart on her sleeve as Cora grips her hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. “He was more than happy to sneak through my bedroom window in the middle of the night and tell me how much he liked me, but the thought of being seen in public with me—no chance in hell.”
“I swear,” Tarni mutters, her gaze shifting around the cafeteria, trying to figure out the culprit. “Just give me a name, and I’ll bust his ass open right now.”
Abby shakes her head. “You know I can’t,” she breathes. “If he knew I was telling people, he’d make my life a living hell. Despite how I feel about him, he’s an ass, and he really doesn’t care about me enough not to make me the laughingstock of the whole school.”
“So you’re just gonna go ahead and let him use you for sex instead?” Cora grunts. “Like some kind of cheap ho. Good enough to blow his load all over, but not good enough to see the woman inside? Come on, Abby. You’re better than that, and you can’t let him get away with it. Name and shame, girl. Name and shame.”
Abby cringes and shakes her head, but Tarni knows how to get exactly what she wants, always has. “Okay, don’t tell us his name. Just . . . point.”
Abby rolls her eyes, and a stupid smirk pulls across her lips as she tilts her head in the direction of the rowdy football players across the room. “He’s over there,” she says, making a point not to look that way.
We all look up, and I do what I can not to glance directly at Noah, but I simply don’t have the self-control. He’s preoccupied talking shit with the people around him and thankfully doesn’t look up. Though I know he senses my stare just as I sense his.
My gaze shifts over the other players, trying to figure out which one of these assholes could be cruel enough to have pushed Abby aside like that, but the truth is, they all could. Not a single guy on the football team is a decent person. They’re all cold and cruel, the perfect fit for Noah.
“Umm . . . is it Lucas Maxwell?” Tarni questions.
Abby shakes her head, her eyes hardening, realizing Tarni is more than prepared to make her way through the whole list until she figures it out. “Uh, gross,” she says. “I have better taste than that.”
“No, you don’t,” Cora says, slinging her arm over the back of her seat, her gaze narrowed as she studies her best friend. “It’s Liam Xander, isn’t it? You’ve always had a thing for him.”
Abby’s eyes widen, and realizing how obvious she is, she scrunches her face in regret, not yet ready to face the music as every single eye at the table flicks toward the asshole in question. Liam was supposed to be the star of the school, supposed to be the captain and the quarterback for this season, and Abby is right—he is an ass. But now with Noah here, it’ll be interesting to see how that plays out. They’re either going to despise each other and cause havoc around the school, or they’ll be tight, which could only mean even more bad news for Noah.
Liam Xander isn’t just an ass. He’s trouble—and not the good kind. If Noah gets involved with him, I hope God has mercy on every single one of our souls.
“Are you shitting me?” Tarni says, wide-eyed, her gaze flicking between Abby and Liam and taking in the way he stands behind one of the cheerleaders, his hands braced on her shoulders as he whispers something in her ear—something filthy enough to make her face flush brighter than the sun. “That’s huge! You slept with Liam? Holy shit. You have to tell me all about it.”
Abby’s cheeks flush, and when a wide grin stretches across her face, I realize the rest of my lunch break is going to be all about Liam Xander’s dick. The girls start talking animatedly between themselves, and when Abby recaps their third night together, I zone out.
My gaze lifts back to Noah’s table to find him carelessly shoving Shannan off his lap before getting to his feet, and I watch with dread as the one and only Liam Xander gets up with him. They say something I can’t even try to hear over the noise of the cafeteria, and with that, the two of them cut through the many tables toward the back exit that leads behind the school, a pack of cigarettes in Noah’s hand.
I watch his every step, and just as Liam pushes out the back door and holds it open for Noah, he glances back, that sharp stare locking on mine and knocking the breath right out of my lungs.
The door slams shut behind him, and I find myself heaving to catch my breath. Needing to distract myself, I grab my phone and swipe away my notifications when I remember Aunt Maya’s text from this morning.
Opening the text, my gaze shifts over her words, and despite them holding no weight or being particularly meaningful, they still hurt all the same.
Aunt Maya: Hey my little warrior, wishing you all the best for your first day back at school. I know today is going to be hard for you, but stick it out. He’ll come around eventually. Hopefully he’s not too hard on you. If anyone can help shine a little bit of light on his hurting soul, it’s you, Zozo.
Seeing that old nickname of Noah’s has tears welling in my eyes, and I fight them back, refusing to let a single tear fall for Noah Ryan, though something tells me this is only the beginning. Not wanting to leave her hanging, I hash out a response and stare at it all too long before finally hitting send.
Zoey: I’m sorry. I really tried, but you were right. Noah isn’t the same boy I once knew.
Aunt Maya: That’s what I was afraid of.
And with that, I pick up my apple and force myself to take a bite, realizing if I’m about to suffer through an emotional war with Noah Ryan, then I’m going to need all the strength I can get.