8. Zoey
8
Zoey
T rudging up the stairs to my room, I dump all my crap on my bed, then stare down at the array of books. All this shit here is homework. Already. On day one. How the hell am I supposed to keep up with this? Though something tells me it’s only going to get worse from here.
Moving through my room, I step into my closet, reach up to the top shelf, and feel around for my box of treasures. Pulling it down, I place it on my bed, and with shaky hands, I lift the lid off the box, looking down at the framed photograph of myself from another life.
Gripping the photo of me at six years old, I stare at the scared little girl who was in the middle of a torturous chemotherapy treatment. It was the worst time of my life. I’ve never felt so low, not even after Noah broke my heart, but I survived.
Having childhood cancer was never part of my family’s plan, and it definitely wasn’t a part of mine, but we fought through it, and I came out the other end stronger than ever. It was almost eighteen months of hell fighting the leukemia that riddled my body. I was so young, but I remember it so perfectly. Mom and Dad would cry when they thought I couldn’t hear them. I was so close to losing my battle, but I fought for it because I couldn’t stand the thought of never seeing my family and Noah again.
I think being so young at the time was a blessing because I didn’t fully grasp the magnitude of what I was going through. I understood that I was sick and could potentially die, but while I was terrified of dying, I didn’t understand exactly what that meant or grasp just how much of life I was going to miss out on.
I haven’t looked at this photo in a while. It usually brings back a slew of painful memories, but today I felt weak. I felt like I was losing grip on reality. But the little girl in this photo is a fighter, and if she can make it through eighteen months of battling cancer at only six years old, then I can make it through this.
Little Zoey walked so that I could run. Hell, I’m not just going to run, I’m going to fly, whether it’s with Noah or without.
Knowing I’m going to need the strength this photo brings me, I walk across my room, press a kiss to the survivor in the frame, and place it right on my desk where I’ll see it every morning. Noah Ryan won’t break me down. If I can survive leukemia, I can survive him.
Hearing my sister in her room, a smile pulls at my lips, and I make my way down the hall. Hovering in her door, I watch as she stretches across her bed, furiously scribbling in a notebook. When I knock on Hazel’s door, her head snaps up. “How was your first day of middle school?”
Hazel’s lips press into a heavy pout as she sits up on her bed. “It sucked,” she says, shoving her books away. “Everyone is so grouchy, and the teachers are all snappy and mean. Not to mention all the homework. You didn’t warn me about that.”
I laugh and move into her room, dropping down on the edge of her bed and pulling her into my side. “I didn’t want to freak you out.”
“Consider me thoroughly freaked out,” she huffs. “I mean, have you seen that cafeteria? It’s like a jungle in there.”
“It’s really not that bad,” I laugh. “Day one is supposed to be scary. Just give it a little time and you’ll find your place.”
“Easy for you to say. You had Noah with you all through middle school. No one was going to mess with you. He made sure you were okay, but I’m doing it all on my own. I don’t even have any friends yet,” she says with a heavy pout that breaks my heart. “If Linc were still here, he would have made sure I was alright, like Noah used to do for you.”
Her words are like a knife right through the chest, and I pull her in even tighter, hating how much she’s still hurting. Linc was a friend to us all, but because Noah and I were so close, it forced them together. Though he was a few years older than her, he still treated her like the little sister he never had.
I loved them together. They didn’t quite share the same kind of bond that Noah and I had, but I could have easily seen them fall in love and live so happily together one day. Losing Linc was a tragedy for us all.
“You know Linc is watching over you, right? He’s not going to let anything happen to you. You were his sweet little Hazel Girl.”
“I know,” she says with a heavy sigh, the old nickname bringing a fond smile to her face. “I miss him.”
“I know you do. Me too,” I whisper, my hand moving up and down her back, trying to comfort her. It’s bittersweet. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always adored my little sister. Hazel is one of the few loves of my life, but losing Linc made me realize just how precious life really is, and I vowed that I would be the best big sister that I could possibly be. We used to argue and fight over the smallest things, but not anymore. Linc’s passing brought us together, and I’ll forever be grateful for that. It just kills me that we had to lose him in order to become closer.
Hazel glances up at me with her big green eyes, so similar to mine. “Is it true that Noah is going to your school now?”
I cringe, unable to hide the hesitation in my tone. “Sure is.”
Her eyes sparkle with happiness. “That’s amazing. You get to see him all the time now. I bet he gave you the biggest hug ever,” she says, not understanding the dynamics of our strained relationship.
“Yeah,” I say with a forced smile. “I saw him in the student office this morning and then again at lunch. He found his place with the football team.”
“Oh, can we go to his games like we used to?”
“I’m sure he’d love to see you cheering him on at his games,” I tell her, knowing damn well he wouldn’t feel the same way about me being there. “Listen,” I say, needing to change the topic. “Did you want me to drive you to school tomorrow? I could go in with you and make sure you have someone to hang out with. I don’t want you to be all alone.”
Her eyes widen with horror, and she shoves away from me. “No way. I can’t have my big sister walking me into school. Don’t you know how not cool that is? But I mean, you could definitely drive me. Just drop me off around the corner.”
My mouth drops open, and I gape at the little brat. “First of all, I’ll have you know that I am the coolest person you’ll ever meet. You’d be lucky to have someone like me walk you into school. And second, if I’m driving you, then I get to go in.”
“Forget it. I’ll take the bus.”
“You know, I could always ask Dad to take you.”
Her eyes bug out of her head. “No. No, please don’t. You know how loud he likes to sing in the car. Everyone will see.”
I laugh and push up off her bed. “Ah, if only you had a cool big sister to drive you instead.”
“Ugh,” she groans. “Fine. You can drive me, but you’re not walking me in.”
“Fine, but I’m not dropping you around the corner. I’m stopping right at the school gates.”
Hazel groans and lays down on her bed again, picking up her pen to get back into her work. “Fine. Only if the music is turned down.”
I grin wide, knowing she couldn’t resist. “You got yourself a deal,” I tell her, and with that, I make my way back to my room and hit play on my playlist before getting to my homework, refusing to get behind on day one.
I try to keep Noah off my mind, but it’s hard. Seeing him today feels as though I’ve been hit by a train. Everything is scrambled. My thoughts, my heart, my emotions. I’m all over the place. But I’m not going to let him break me, no matter how hard he pushes me away.
I’m just about finished when my phone rings, and I scramble through the sheets to find it. Tarni’s name flashes across the screen. “Hey,” I say, quickly answering the call before I miss it.
“Hold up,” she says. “I’m adding Cora and Abby.”
Before I can even respond, Tarni is gone. The call goes quiet for only a moment before she returns, the girls all speaking over each other as though they were already mid-conversation. “Yo, Zo. You there?” Tarni questions.
“I’m here,” I say, pushing the rest of my homework aside and getting comfy on my bed, realizing I’m in for the long haul now.
“Abby is holding out on us,” Tarni says. “I’ve been dying to know all the filthy little details about her sexcapades with Liam.”
“Ughhhh,” Abby groans. “Not gonna happen. It was hot and wild, but now that we’re back at school, it’s nothing but an old wives’ tale. I’m better off pretending it never happened.”
“I’m so angry with him,” Cora says. “He’s such a player. I don’t know what you were thinking getting involved with him in the first place. Surely you knew he was going to break your heart, right? No guy just suddenly changes like that, no matter how tight your vag is.”
Rolling my eyes, I put my phone down on my bed and hit speakerphone before getting up and closing my door, not needing Hazel to overhear this. She’s a feisty kid who’s growing up way too fast, but she doesn’t need to be exposed to this. Most of the time, I can’t stand being exposed to it. But if I weren’t friends with these guys, I’d literally have no one.
Climbing back onto my bed, I drag my homework in front of me again before starting on what’s left of my calculus work.
“Men can change,” Abby continues. “Whether it’s for good or bad, they change.”
“I second that,” I say, adding my two cents to the conversation.
“Well, Liam isn’t changing for the better,” Tarni says. “Don’t get me wrong, he’s hot, but he’s not about to quit screwing around and start dating, and if he did, it wouldn’t be with a junior. He’d date girls like Shannan Holter.”
Abby goes silent, and I feel for her. I hate how oblivious Tarni can be sometimes. She has a habit of not filtering her thoughts before allowing them to tumble out like word vomit. Clearly Abby likes Liam, otherwise, she wouldn’t have wasted her summer with him. She’s hurting over his dismissal, and hearing how carelessly Tarni shrugs it off as though she’d never be good enough to date someone like Liam must have stung.
Cora laughs, clearly oblivious to Abby’s silence as well. “Who knows. From what I heard, Shannan offered to have an orgy with Noah and the whole cheer squad. Seems Liam is old news now.”
“Ugh,” I groan in disgust before immediately zipping my lips and wishing I hadn’t said that out loud. But I couldn’t help myself. The idea of Noah lowering his standards to waste his time with girls like Shannan is nothing but an insult to me. How could he want that over everything we had together?
“You’re such a prude, Zo. Sex is fun,” Tarni laughs, misreading the reasons for my disgust. “When are you going to get over it and just do it? You know, nearly half of the football team have been trying to screw you since the start of the summer. Just pick one and get it over and done with. It doesn’t even hurt that much.”
Cora laughs. “She’s probably holding out for Noah, hoping he’ll see the light and start worshiping at her feet again.”
I clench my jaw, not liking this topic at all. “I’m not holding out for Noah. I just don’t want to screw the first guy who smiles at me.”
“Well, you should,” Tarni says. “Because just like Liam, Noah isn’t going to change, especially not for a good girl like you. He’s down with the easy girls who’ll give him what he wants without making him work for it.”
“You mean girls like you?” I question, my hands shaking.
“Exactly.”
“Speaking of Noah,” Abby chimes in, her tone hitching as though she’s got the gossip of the century. “I heard something about him today.”
“Ooh yeah,” Tarni says, hanging off Abby’s every word. “What is it?”
“So, apparently he used to have a little brother, Landon or Logan . . . something like that, and I don’t know . . . five or so years ago, Noah killed him, and that’s why he’s so fucked up.”
I suck in a horrified gasp. “Who the hell told you that?” I demand, anger rolling off me, not only for the disrespect of talking about Linc like that but for spreading such a horrendous rumor. When Noah hears what they’re saying, it will tear him to pieces. “That’s not even a little close to what happened.”
“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger,” Abby says as hot, rage-filled tears spring to my eyes. “That’s just the rumor that’s going around. Heard it from some guy in the school parking lot.”
Throwing myself off my bed, I pace the length of my room, unable to find control. “His name wasn’t Landon or Logan. It was Lincoln, Lincoln Ryan, and he was the sweetest boy I ever met. He was hit by a drunk driver three years ago, and it destroyed his family and mine. Noah adored his little brother and still hasn’t come to terms with his death. So do yourselves a favor and don’t even mention his name. Shit,” I huff, needing to take a breath. “How could you be so cold as to say such a thing?”
“Jesus Christ, Zoey,” Tarni says. “Lay off. It’s not like she was suggesting Noah did it, just telling us the rumor she heard today.”
I shake my head, unable to believe that Tarni is defending Abby right now, especially considering she was there to see the way Linc’s death crushed me. She saw the devastation tear through me and experienced it secondhand. She’d even met Linc a handful of times, and now she’s just going to pretend like she doesn’t even remember his name?
Fuck. I’ve never been so upset and angry.
Without another word, I end the call, throw my phone on my bed, and get back to pacing. When a knock sounds at my door, I glance up just in time to see Mom poke her head through the opening door. “Everything alright in here?”
“Yes. No,” I spit. “I don’t know.”
Mom walks right in and takes my shoulders, forcing me to stop and meet her eyes. “What’s going on my sweet girl?”
“It’s only been one day, and the rumor mill is already starting to spin.”
“About you and Noah?” Mom questions, sadness in her eyes.
“Well, yes,” I say with a heavy sigh. “But that’s not what this is all about.”
“What’s going on?”
Letting out a breath, I collapse onto the edge of my bed and lower my gaze to my hands, Abby’s words leaving a sharp sting deep in my chest. “Apparently people are starting to put their own theories together about Linc, and the things they’re saying . . . it’s horrible, Mom.”
“Oh, honey,” she says with a sigh, dropping down beside me and pulling me into her arms, the same way I’d done with Hazel. “Usually, I’d tell you to keep your head down and ignore nasty rumors, but you can’t ignore this, especially now that Linc isn’t here to defend himself. Speak up where you can. Don’t let people say nasty things about him. He was such a sweet boy. I couldn’t stand the thought of people talking ill about him.”
“It’s not Linc they’re saying bad things about. They’re suggesting Noah was the one who did it.”
“What?” she gasps.
“Yeah.”
She holds me even tighter. “I suppose Noah didn’t take that very well.”
“I wouldn’t know. He took one look at me this morning and acted as though I was dirt under his foot. He said he didn’t want anything to do with me, and if I see him in the hall, to walk the other way.”
Mom lets out a heavy sigh and rubs my back. “Oh, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. That must have been hard.”
“It wasn’t my finest moment.”
“I bet.”
“He’s not the boy I used to know,” I murmur, my heart falling to pieces. “He’s different.”
Mom shakes her head. “You see, that’s where I think you’re wrong. The old Noah, the one we all know and love, is still in there screaming for someone to help him. He’s just lost his way, and I have to have faith that he will come back to us. Don’t give up on him, Zoey. I know it hurts, but he needs you now more than ever.”
“Why does it have to be me?” I say, tears brimming in my eyes. “He doesn’t want me around him. He pushed me away three years ago and left me. I had to heal all on my own, and now, seeing him at school, acting as though I never meant anything . . . It sucks. I can’t do it.”
Mom nods and peers over my head, and I see the moment she finds the photo of me in that hospital bed. She lets out a heavy sigh, no doubt remembering the pain of that time. “That little girl in that photo,” she says, adjusting my chin until I see the photo. “She beat all odds, which is how I know you can do this now. Noah might be keeping you at arm’s length, but he’s hurting, Zoey. He’s drowning in grief, and having him here at East View with you is the best thing that could have happened to him. He might not be able to see it, but I do. He needs you, and despite how much you deny it, I think you need him too.”
With that, Mom stands and squeezes my shoulder before walking to my door. She pauses and glances back at my photo, a sadness in her eyes. “You were such a fighter, Zoey. I know it can sometimes make you uncomfortable keeping this photo out on display like this, but I love it. Yes, it’s a reminder of the hell you suffered through, but it’s also a reminder of how hard you fought. You’re a survivor, Zoey, and that should always be celebrated.”
I give Mom a tight smile, unable to help glancing back at the photo, looking at the heavy, tired bags under my eyes and my sunken cheeks. I was as sick as anybody could ever be, but there was also such a bright light in my eyes, a fire that burned within me, and that fire pushed me to fight . . . that, and Noah.
He may not know it, but he saved me all those years ago and I’ll never forget it.
But Mom is right, he’s drowning in grief, and if he was able to give me the strength I needed to survive without even realizing it, then it’s only fair I do the same for him now.