9. Noah
9
Noah
A nother fucking day at East View High. I wonder what fresh bullshit is in store for me today. I suppose it really wasn’t that bad yesterday, apart from the whole Zoey thing. If she wasn’t here, then I might even try to give this school a chance.
What other choice do I have? It’s this or nothing, and after the hell I’ve already put my mom through over the past few years, I can’t afford to slip any further. I know I’m hurting her, but I can’t seem to stop or pull my shit together and make the hurt go away.
Every fucking day without Linc only kills me more, and I feel myself slowly dying inside. It’s like the walls are caving in, and every breath I take turns me further into stone. It’s going to kill me, and then what? I’ll really be leaving Mom and Zoey. But at least the hurt would stop, and the darkness would fade, but what kind of hell would I be leaving behind?
After locking the doors of my ZL1 Camaro, I stare up at the school, my hand slipping into my pocket and closing around my pack of cigarettes. As I make my way toward the school and go to pull the pack out of my pocket, I see Principal Daniels, his narrowed stare locked on me, waiting to see how this is going to go down. Not prepared to get my ass kicked out of here so soon, I release the cigarettes and stride up the front steps, his stare not wavering from mine for even a second.
He nods as if knowing exactly what I was going to do, and I simply walk past and push through the front door of East View High, ready to face another day.
As usual, eyes fall on me, only today is different. They seem to be whispering among themselves, looking at me as though I have some kind of fucked-up secret that was just exposed. It’s not the first time I’ve walked into a school to find everyone talking about me, and it sure as hell won’t be the last. When you have a reputation like mine, if people aren’t talking about you, then you no longer matter.
Ignoring the stares, I barge through the girls trying to get my attention, but I can’t help scanning the hall, searching for the one person I’m not supposed to want. I hate being at the same school as her, having to see her every day and remember the pain I caused her, but I can’t let her in to see just how far I’ve sunk. I’m not the same guy she once loved. It would be best if she just moved on and forgot about us.
Reaching my locker, I put in the code—0228—and as I open the door, Liam falls into the locker beside me. “Yo, dude. You didn’t tell me about your brother. Tough break, man.”
My head whips toward him, my lethal stare locked on his. “The fuck did you just say?”
Reading the rage in my tone, Liam’s hands fly up in innocence. “Woah, chill out,” he laughs. “I didn’t mean to hit a nerve. But if you’re all fucked up over me just mentioning it, you should know, the whole fucking school is talking about it, and it ain’t pretty.”
Dread fills my veins like poison, pulsing through my body and destroying everything in its path. I grab Liam, pressing into him as I slam him flat against the lockers. “What are they saying?” I growl, my hand gripping a little too tight around his throat.
“You don’t wanna know, man. Just let it go.”
“What. Are. They. Saying?”
Eyes gravitate toward us from every direction while Liam tries to shrug it off, acting as though we’re cool here.
He lets out a sigh and meets my stare. “There’s a million different versions of the story,” he finally tells me. “Some are saying your little bro got hit by a drunk driver, others are suggesting you did it.”
“FUCK!”
“Come on, man. Nobody actually believes that shit,” he says just as my fist flies right by his face and slams into the locker beside mine, leaving a dent in the metal.
Liam shoves a hand into my shoulder, demanding my attention. “Don’t fuck this up, Noah,” he spits through his teeth, not even flinching at my rage. “If anybody wants you out of this damn school, it’s me, but for some fucking reason, I don’t wanna see what happens to you if this shit doesn’t work out. So pull your shit together. They were going to find out sooner or later.”
I clench my jaw, my hands balling in and out of fists, my heart racing as the darkness threatens to consume me. And just this once, I wish it would. I try to shake it off as I step away from Liam when I see that familiar wave of chestnut hair stepping into the girls’ bathroom, and I know without a doubt that she has everything to do with this.
Without a second thought, I throw my hand out, slamming my locker closed before taking off after her. Walking into the girls’ bathroom, I find a bunch of girls fixing their makeup in the mirror and Zoey at the very end, clutching the sink with her head down, tears staining her beautiful, rosy cheeks.
The girls whip around at my entrance, their mouths dropping open, and before they can say a damn word, I point back toward the door. “GET OUT.”
They run, grab their shit, and take off as though someone just announced that Liam was offering his dick up to the most willing participant. Zoey barely glances up, but I watch the way her body tenses, knowing damn well I’m coming for her.
I stride through the bathroom, and her body stiffens as I reach her. It’s clear by the tears on her cheeks that all the talk of Linc has gotten to her, but she has no right to cry for him. She did this.
As I step right into her, Zoey’s head whips up, meeting my stare. “What are you—”
Before she finishes the angry sentence, I grab her arm and shove her back against the wall, pinning her with my body, her hand braced against my chest, trying to force just an inch of distance between us. “I warned you,” I growl, the fury burning through my lethal stare, ignoring the way her familiar scent overwhelms my system. “I told you to keep my name out of your fucking mouth and then you go and throw Linc’s name around like it means nothing.”
Her jaw drops, and she stares up at me in horror. “Do you even hear yourself? What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Me?” I scoff.
“Yes, you, asshole,” she seethes, trying to shove against my chest to give herself space, but I’m not going anywhere. “I said what I had to say to keep people from speaking ill of Lincoln. If you knew what they were saying—”
“I don’t give a shit what they were saying.”
Zoey arches a brow, and I do what I can not to breathe her in. “Sure. You don’t care what they are saying, yet the second you hear one little whisper on their lips, you come in here to abuse me. I set the story straight, Noah. They were saying you killed him, and I know you’re determined to forget he ever existed, but I’m not, and I wasn’t about to let them spread shit like that and leave a stain on Linc’s memory. So, talk it up all you want, Noah, but I see right through you. You don’t fool me.”
I push into her, and her hand shifts from my chest to my arm, her fingers digging into my skin as her nails leave little half-moon indents. “I don’t give a shit who you think you’re trying to protect. I told you to stay out of my fucking way.”
Someone walks into the bathroom, and I tear my gaze away from Zoey’s, ready to tell them to fuck off, when I find Shannan standing by the door, staring at Zoey with an arched brow, her lips pulling into a wicked smirk. She takes in the scene, and I see the very moment she thinks she knows what the fuck is going down.
“Interesting,” she muses, her gaze shifting back to mine. “When you’re done playing with the trash, come find me. I have just the thing to get your mind off the bullshit.”
Shannan turns her gaze back to Zoey, and I realize that without even trying, I’ve just painted a target on Zoey’s back. I inch away from her, putting space between us, but not enough for her to slip away. Shannan laughs, her filthy stare lingering on Zoey. “Good luck, Zoey. You’re gonna need it.”
And with that, Shannan turns her back and strides out of the bathroom, leaving us alone.
“Great,” Zoey mutters, shoving hard against my chest and forcing me back a step. “Do you have any idea what you’ve just done? Shannan is going to eat me alive.”
“Not my problem.”
Zoey scoffs and steps around me before looking me up and down, her judgmental gaze sending me spiraling out of control. “Look at yourself, Noah. Your act is getting old. You look pathetic,” she tells me, stepping right back into me and lowering her voice. “You’re broken, and I know you’re hurting, but pushing me away isn’t going to help you. You’re a mess, and you’re only making things worse for yourself.”
My hands ball into tight fists at my sides, my jaw clenching with rage. “Don’t act like you have any fucking idea who I am. You don’t know me, not anymore.”
Zoey scoffs. “Maybe you’re right, but I know that Linc would despise this asshole you’re pretending to be. He’d be so ashamed of you. I mean, sure. The whole bad boy, I don’t give a shit vibe really suits you. It’s hot, and I’m sure every girl across the state wants to be the one you take to bed, but it’s a lie. You look like a joke, Noah.”
Disgust filters through her stare, and I fucking hate it. It’s one thing to push her away, but seeing how I disgust her? That fucking hurts, but it’s the hurt that keeps me breathing. I need it more than she’ll ever know.
Zoey turns her back and stalks toward the exit, and just when I think she’s twisted the knife enough, she turns back. “For the record, I know pushing me away makes you feel like you hold some kind of power over me. Or maybe it’s some messed-up way to punish yourself, but it’s not just me you’re hurting. Hazel misses you too.” A tear rolls down her cheek, and she refuses to wipe it away. “I don’t know. Maybe you’re trying to punish me because it makes you feel something, reminds you that you’re still alive and he’s not, but stop punishing her. She was too young. She lost her only friend in the world. I can handle it. You can push me away as much as you want, but please, Noah, stop hurting her.”
Undeniable guilt soars through my chest, and I watch as Zoey turns and storms out of the bathroom. The morning bell sounds through the school, calling everyone to homeroom, but I can’t fucking move. I can barely fucking breathe.
The overwhelming mix of rage, guilt, and pain pound through my body, and I turn toward the sink, gripping it the same way Zoey had been doing when I first walked in, gasping for air. And when I glance up at myself in the mirror, I don’t even recognize the asshole staring back at me.
Zoey was right, I’m a fraud—a fraud who Linc would despise. He would be ashamed of me, but I’m so fucking lost in the dark. There’s no way back for me now, no way to save myself. All I can do is try to get through the rest of high school without fucking things up more. After that, I can disappear. I can start fresh and try to forget about the pain that plagues me.
Walking out of the bathroom, I make my way to homeroom, unable to keep myself from glancing back down the hall at Zoey as she rifles through her locker, hating this hold she has over me.
The second I turn back, the whispers hit, and I hear Linc’s name on the tongue of those who never knew him, those who only care for a fucking story. They call me a killer. Some say I pushed him in front of that car, others claim I was the one behind the wheel, and as I reach homeroom and go to push through the door, it becomes too much, and I find myself turning back.
I barge through the crowded bodies, my mind spinning, and I feel myself slipping even further into the darkness. Before I know it, I push through the door of an unfamiliar room and stare wide-eyed at the woman across from me. “Are you the school counselor?” I ask, my chest heaving with heavy breaths, and my skin burning from Zoey’s touch.
“You must be Noah Ryan,” the woman says. “I was wondering if I might meet you today.”
My brows furrow and she goes on. “Close the door and take a seat,” she says in an overly nice tone. “I think we may have a lot to talk about.”
And with that, I kick the door shut behind me and drop into the chair opposite her desk, ready to fucking break.
“Alright, Noah. I’m not here to tiptoe around the issues. I’ve heard the rumors on my way in, and I can only assume you’re here to talk about your brother,” she tells me. “Now let’s get one thing straight. I’ve been doing this a long time, and if you walk through my door to talk, then that’s exactly what we’re going to do. This is not an hour where you get to waste time and skip classwork. If you’re meeting with me, then we’re going to get to the root of your issues. I want to help you, Noah. But I can only do that if you’re ready to be helped.”
I swallow hard and nod as she goes on. “Alright, let’s talk. What’s going on?”
Clenching my jaw, I prepare to say the one thing that’s haunted me for the past three years, the one thing that plunged me into this world of darkness and has trapped me there. The one thing bad enough to force me to push Zoey away and keep her at arm’s length. “Those rumors,” I tell her, my voice wavering as the guilt and agony become too much to bear. “They’re right. I killed my little brother.”